


Crashing

by RedQ



Series: Crashing [2]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Barry Whump, Cancer, Gen, Hallucinations, Hurt Barry, Hurt/Comfort, Major Illness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-25
Updated: 2016-06-27
Packaged: 2018-06-10 13:57:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 99,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6959656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedQ/pseuds/RedQ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Please stop saying 'illness!" Barry shouted, "Just call it what it is! It's cancer! I'm not going to break if you say the word. I'm so tired of everybody tiptoeing around me like I'm made of glass. You think I don't hear you and Iris whispering about me when I'm not in the room? I can still hear! I'm not deaf, Joe! I just have cancer!" </p><p>(Original version of "Vitality")</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Overwhelmed

 

**Important: This story has been rewritten. You can find the much better version, _Vitality_ , through my profile. This was my first fanfiction, so the writing style is mediocre at best. Per readers’ requests, I decided to leave the original version up for those who wish to peruse it.**

**…..**

** Overwhelmed **

As Barry worked tirelessly to finish his case reports, he tried to remember the last time he slept. Somehow, time seemed to be playing tricks on him lately, the days of the week melding into each other until it felt to him like one long day. One _very_ long day. Even with his speed, he found he simply didn't have enough time in a day to do all that he needed to.

Ever since his first fight against Zoom, Barry had been working day and night as the Flash to be the city's hero again, making sure that his presence was known and his life-status no longer questioned by the citizens of Central City. Caitlin had advised him to exercise caution, seeing as his speed had only just returned and his back was still adjusting to it, but Barry was more driven now than he had ever been before to prove himself and be the city’s hero again.

Now, here he sat during the early hours of the morning at the CCPD, trying to get his case reports completed before Captain Singh came in. He downed his fifteenth cup of coffee, frustrated that no matter how much of it he drank, his body would metabolize all the caffeine in it before he felt its effects. Still, after years of coffee addiction, just the taste of coffee seemed to have a sort of placebo effect on him and helped him stay focused all the same. He had finally signed off on his last document for Singh when Joe entered his lab.

"Wow, Barry,” Joe said, looking around the room, “What happened in here? Your lab's a mess."

"Good morning to you too," Barry said before flashing around the room, leaving it spotless and organized within a matter of seconds, "Sorry, I've been working on these files all morning."

Joe frowned at him.

"Bar, it's six AM,” he said, “Have you been here all night?"

"Just since three," Barry answered, organizing his case reports into a neat stack for the captain, "I was already up on Flash duty, so I decided to just come here right away. I didn't see any reason in going home at that point. Besides," he added when Joe opened his mouth to argue, "Singh wanted these reports from me first thing today, and I didn't have time to do them yesterday thanks to that incident with Snart."

"Alright, I understand," Joe agreed, "But Barry, you can't keep doing this to yourself. You're not eating, you're not sleeping, and you're hardly ever home anymore. You're always either here or running around the city as the Flash. This is the third all-nighter you've pulled this week. Don't start making a habit out of it. It's not healthy."

"I know. It's just been so crazy since everything that happened with Zoom," Barry said, pouring another cup of coffee, "I think after all that they were saying on the news…about the Flash being dead…it seems that criminals are trying to take advantage of my alleged absence."

"Yeah, I've noticed," Joe nodded, taking the coffee that Barry offered him, wondering absently when Barry had brought his own coffee maker to work, "We've been getting flooded with calls. The crime rates have spiked significantly over the last few weeks."

"It's making for a lot of work as the Flash out on the streets and a heavy case load for me here. I'm just trying to keep up, but I'm sure it will all settle down once the city is assured that I am alive and that I'm still able to protect them…apart from Zoom," he added bitterly.

"Bar, you can't keep blaming yourself for that,” Joe said seriously, “We all weren't prepared for Zoom. It's not all on you."

"I've come to terms with it now," Barry assured him, "and next time I _will_ be prepared. I've been working hard doing extra training in my free time, trying to get faster."

"Barry, you need to slow down. You're not doing yourself any favors by overtraining and pushing yourself so hard. You still need to _rest_."

"I'm just doing my part, Joe," Barry said defensively, "and so is everyone else at Star Labs. We're all trying to keep things under control in the city, Cisco and Wells are working on closing the breaches, and Caitlin is working on a serum to increase my speed."

"Wait, what? What was that last part?" Joe asked, giving Barry a concerned look, "Caitlin is creating a serum to make you go faster?"

Barry nodded.

"Bar, you shouldn't be messing with this," Joe said worriedly, "You just recovered from a life-threatening trauma. You shouldn't be experimenting on yourself with some unknown speed drug. You don't know what it's going to do to you. What is Caitlin thinking?"

"She's thinking what we're all thinking of. Stopping Zoom. I trust Caitlin and her judgement, and once she and Wells finish perfecting the serum—"

"Wells?!" Joe exclaimed, "You didn't say Wells was helping her with it."

"Well, what does that matter?" Barry asked impatiently.

"It matters," Joe said, his hands balling into fists, "because hasn't Wells already proven himself to be untrustworthy? He threw you into Zoom's line of fire without a second thought, even though he knew what he was facing you up against. Hasn't he already shown that he doesn't care who gets hurt, as long as Zoom is defeated? He'll sacrifice you in a second, Barry, if it means saving his daughter, believe me."

"None of that matters now, Joe,” Barry insisted stubbornly, “Zoom will be coming for me now anyways, with or without Wells' influence. All we care about now is that we're all ready when that happens. Dr. Wells aside, I trust Caitlin completely, and I'm willing to risk taking the serum if there's even a slight chance it can help me defeat Zoom."

"You're being reckless, Barry," Joe said quietly, "You need to think about your family too. Iris and me. We don't want to lose you, Bar."

Joe stared sadly at him for moment before turning and heading for the door.

"Joe," Barry called out when he reached for the handle, "I _am_ thinking of you and Iris. I'm thinking of your safety and the city's safety and what I'm willing to do to protect that."

Joe turned around and looked back at Barry, his eyes filled with sadness.

"The city's safety doesn't fall on just you, Barry," he said softly before turning and disappearing through the door.

Barry sank back down into his desk chair and tried to rub the exhaustion from his eyes with the palms of his hands. When he lowered his hands he noticed they were shaking slightly, and he was starting to feel lightheaded. With Joe's words still echoing in the back of his mind, Barry resigned to himself that during his lunchbreak he wouldn't be doing his normal surveillance loop through the city as the Flash but would instead be running home for a quick nap to refresh himself for the evening. Cisco supposedly had an intense drone exercise planned for Barry this afternoon, and knowing Cisco, Barry thought it would probably be best if he had all the energy he could get.

…..

Barry was winded. He was _actually_ getting winded. It was a strange feeling for him. Normally he barely broke a sweat when he ran these drone drills with Cisco, but today was different. Today, he couldn't get air in his lungs fast enough, and his legs were started to feel fatigued. His joints ached with each stride, and his mouth was dry. Even so he pushed himself to go faster.

He outran the first drone and dodged the second, looping back around it, causing it to swerve sharply to collide with the other one. Cisco's face froze in horror as he watched his precious drones crumble and fall towards the unforgiving ground. Barry ran and came to a stop in front of Cisco and Caitlin, grinning but bracing his hands on his knees and gasping for air.

Caitlin, who had been monitoring his vitals on her laptop, rose quickly to approach Barry, placing a hand on his back.

"Hey, are you okay?” she asked concernedly, “Your vitals are a little out of whack today, and you look exhausted."

"I'm. Fine." Barry breathed, his words strained as he caught his breath, "I just wasn't expecting it to be that much harder to outrun two drones instead of one."

"Well," Cisco said, "You may have beaten the first two, but I still have three more. Wanna give it a go?"

"No!" Caitlin said forcefully, "We should probably be done now for the day. He needs to take it easy."

"Easy isn't going to defeat Zoom, Caitlin," Barry said, standing up straight and getting his breathing back under control, "Let's do it again."

"Fine," Caitlin said after a moment, "but only with one drone. No arguing," she added when she saw that Barry was about to protest.

After a few minutes when Cisco set up and programmed one of his drones and Barry recuperated, they started up again. Barry had whispered to Cisco to hit him with his best shot, and Cisco had definitely risen to the challenge. This drone was not only fast, but also made sharper turns and fired faster missiles than the others. Barry tried his best to outrun the drone and confuse it, but it managed to stay with him. Running harder than he ever had before, Barry pushed to go even faster, but the missile was gaining on him.

When he reached over seven hundred mph, Barry felt like his lungs were tearing apart from the massive amounts of air that he was forcing through them. The muscles in his legs were on fire, and he could feel himself getting dizzier with each passing second. A moment of disorientation was all it took for one of the drone's missiles to find its target. Barry's shoulders and neck exploded with pain as he felt the missile hit him square in the back, knocking the wind out of him.

The pain soon spread to his entire body as he fell forward and was unable to stop himself from being sent flipping and tumbling across the hard ground at seven hundred mph, his momentum causing him to go quite a distance before stopping. When his limp body finally came to a stop, it was a few moments before Barry could process what had happened. He lay in a crumpled heap in the dirt still unable to move as his brain tried to process all of the pain that seemed to be radiating from every inch of his body. He could hear Caitlin shouting as she reached him, her and Cisco having ran from their place of observation to attend to him.

"Barry! Barry! Can you hear me?" Caitlin asked him loudly, trying to assess his injuries.

He was laying on his side, and his eyes were open, but Barry felt like he was looking through a tunnel, and Caitlin's voice sounded like it was coming from far, far away.

"What happened?" he gasped.

"You got hit by one of Cisco's missiles," she answered, shooting Cisco a glare, "And you wiped out over the distance of about a hundred yards."

"Yeah, but what hit me?" Barry slurred.

Cisco and Caitlin exchanged worried looks.

"I think he might have a concussion," Caitlin whispered to Cisco.

"Let's get him inside," he said quickly.

"His leg looks broken. I don't think he can walk."

"I'll get a gurney," Cisco replied, "You see what you can do for him here."

With that Cisco ran off for help, leaving Caitlin to tend to an injured and very confused Barry Allen.


	2. Confused

Barry could hear sounds as if they were coming from far away. He didn't remember falling asleep, but he figured it was about time he got up. He was surely late for work or for STAR labs or wherever it was that he had to be right now. Late as always, he thought to himself as he willed his eyes to open. He was taken off guard by the sudden light that flooded his irises and immediately reclosed them.

"Barry?" he could hear Caitlin's voice, but still didn't reopen his eyes, "Can you hear me?"

"Mmmm," was all he could say at first. After a few moments he was able to get a few more words out, "Sorry I'm late."

He heard someone laugh, Cisco maybe.

"Looks like he's still out of it," he heard Cisco say. Barry finally opened his eyes, blinking them repeatedly as he tried to adjust to the light.

"Barry?" Caitlin's face swam into view as his eyes adjusted, "Do you know where you are?"

"Caitlin," he murmured, "Is my back better yet?"

Caitlin sighed and readjusted the monitors connected to Barry's chest as she said, "Yes, Barry. Your back has been healed for weeks now. You were just in a training accident, and you hit your head. You're not thinking very clearly just yet."

"Oh, that's good," Barry said furrowing his eyebrows in thought, "I mean the back thing, not the head thing."

Caitlin couldn't help but be amused.

"How are you feeling? What hurts?"

Barry seemed to consider her question for a few moments before answering.

"Everything. My legs. Ow. And my head," he said, feeling the bump on his forehead. Caitlin found his surprised expression almost comical.

"Well, one of your legs is broken," she told him, "It isn't completely healed yet, but I've set and splinted it for you. Just try not to move it too much."

"But I have to go," Barry said, trying to sit up in the medical bed, "I have to meet Patty at six."

"Barry, Patty is still out of town visiting her aunt. She won't be back until next week," Caitlin assured him.

"Besides," Cisco added, "It's already nine o' clock."

"Barry," Caitlin said, gently pushing him back down so that his back was against the bed again, "You need to heal. You're not going anywhere just yet. I think I'm going to have you spend the night here."

"Caitlin," he slurred, "I can't sleep here tonight. How 'bout I stay with you till you fall asleep like last time, and then I can go home to my own bed. I like that idea."

Caitlin blushed as Cisco choked, having nearly swallowed his lollypop in shock.

"What? What did he just say?"

Caitlin was spared the prospect of answering when they were all startled by the sound of Joe's booming voice as he entered the Cortex.

"What happened? Where's Barry?" he said upon entering.

"He's right in here, Joe," Caitlin said quickly, meeting him at the doorway between the Cortex and the medical bay.

Wells stepped back to lean against the wall. He wasn't the type to be easily intimidated by anyone, but he hadn't seen Joe since his terrifying confrontation after Barry's fight with Zoom. Wells wasn't exactly avoiding him, but he had given Joe a wide berth since that night.

"It was just a training accident. Barry should be fine," Caitlin assured him.

"How bad is he?" Joe asked anyways, surveying Barry from the doorway. Barry didn't look at him. He simply stared at the ceiling, his eyelids starting to droop.

"He's got some broken bones," Caitlin informed him in a whisper so Barry couldn't hear, "primarily his leg, but also his collar bone, left arm, three ribs, and a few fingers. He also had some bruising and some pretty bad road rash that has almost completely healed up. What I'm most worried about is his head injury. He seems to have a grade three concussion, so he's pretty confused. He's been in and out of consciousness for the last four hours. He keeps repeating himself and asking the same questions, so don't be alarmed if he doesn't seem like himself when you talk to him. He seems to keep flashing back to his fight with Zoom. He keeps asking me if his back is better yet and if he'll ever be able to walk again. Hopefully he'll be back to normal by tomorrow though."

"A training accident, huh?" Joe asked, looking seriously between Caitlin and Cisco. Cisco shifted guiltily and looked at the floor.

"It was one of my drones," he said quietly, "Normally Barry has no problem outrunning them, but he seemed to struggle with it today, like he wasn't a hundred percent. It looked like he just ran out of juice or something."

"I warned him," Joe said, looking over at Barry, who had now closed his eyes completely, "Just this morning, I warned him. He's got way too much on his plate right now, and he's not eating and sleeping enough."

"Well, that explains it," Caitlin said, more to herself than to anyone else, "He seems to fatigue quicker, and he tries to hide it, but his leg muscles get sore now from running. I did some tests. It's called lactic acidosis. His body can't keep up with the oxygen demands that he creates when he's running, so lactic acid starts to build up in his muscles, making them sore. It's never been a problem before, but now his body doesn't seem as efficient in terms of oxygen exchange, blood circulation and his metabolism. If he's not eating and sleeping enough, that could be the cause."

"We need to fix this, Caitlin," Joe pleaded, "He's going to kill himself in his pursuit against Zoom. It's becoming an obsession. I've tried talking to him, but he just gets defensive and tries to justify it. Maybe _you_ can talk some sense into him."

"Cisco and I will try to get through to him, but not tonight. He's just not with it enough to have a real conversation right now. I'm keeping him here overnight for observation. It's starting to worry me that he's still so confused and that he's not healing as fast. Normally he would have been completely healed by now. It's as if he still has his speed, but the rest of his body isn't keeping up. His heart isn't pumping blood as efficiently, his lungs can't take in enough air, his healing and metabolism are slowed, and his muscles and joints aren't holding up to the strain it takes to run at the speeds he does."

"He thinks he's making himself faster, but really he's destroying his body," Joe concluded, worried. He watched the now sleeping Barry from where he stood in the doorway. After a few moments he said, "Is it alright if I sit with him a while?"

"Yes, of course," Caitlin gave Joe a small smile, "I'm trying to encourage him to rest right now though, since that seems to be what he needs most at the moment, but I'll be waking him up in about an hour or so to do another cognitive check. In the meantime, we should try to let him sleep."

"Okay," Joe said, striding over to Barry's bedside and taking a seat next to him, "I'll just sit by him for a while."

"Where's Iris?" Cisco whispered to Joe, as Caitlin dimmed the lights in the medical bay so Barry could sleep easier, "Does she know what happened?"

"No," Joe whispered in response, "She still hasn't quite gotten over what happened to Barry after his fight with Zoom. None of us really have. I didn't want to worry her and put her through this again unnecessarily."

"You know this is not anywhere near as bad as last time though, right? Barry will be just fine."

"Yeah," Joe smiled sadly, "but it still brings back those terrible memories. He was just so… _hurt._ I don't ever want to see him like that again." Tears threatened to engulf the corners of Joe's eyes, "I'm so terrified that if he keeps this up, he's going to end up either killing himself or Zoom is going defeat him again. I just don't want to see him killed or even to have to go through a recovery like that again. I don't think he could survive that a second time and still be the same person after. Just look at how much his first defeat has changed him."

Joe took Barry's hand and surveyed his face with somber eyes.

"You know there's a third option though," Cisco told him, "Barry could win. It's not just a choice between him dying or being severely injured. He could defeat Zoom. We're working on a plan. We're not going to underestimate him this time. We'll beat Zoom, as a team."

"Yes, but at what cost to Barry?" Joe asked seriously, "Sure, he might defeat Zoom, and he might save the day like always, but that doesn't mean he'll be the same after. He's still a person. He's still the man that I love like a son, and I don't want this to change him beyond recognition. It seems like lately he's more of the Flash than he is Barry Allen, and I don't want him to lose sight of himself. I don't want him to forget who he is."

"We're not going to let that happen, Joe. He's not just the Flash to us. He's our friend, and we care about him too. We'll look after him."

"Thank you, Cisco," Joe said, finally tearing his eyes from Barry's face to look at him, "It means a lot."

"No problem."

Cisco gave Joe a small smile of reassurance before leaving the medical bay to give Joe some time alone with Barry. As Joe looked back to Barry's bruised yet peaceful face, he couldn't help but wish that Barry had never become the Flash. Although Barry loved being the Flash and he was doing so much good for Central City, Joe sometimes wished that things were back to the way they were before. Back when Barry was simply Barry, and he was free to just be himself, without carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. Now, Joe shuddered when he thought of the dreadful things that the future may have in store for the caring and selfless person that lay before him.


	3. Confronted

Joe's head slowly started to droop forward, his chin resting on his chest. He quickly jerked it back up and rubbed his eyes. Cisco had long since given up the fight and was now sound asleep at his desk with his head resting on his folded arms.

"Joe," Caitlin said, walking up to stand on the other side of Barry's bed across from Joe, who had been sitting at Barry's bedside for hours. "Why don't you go home? Barry will be just fine. I'll take good care of him. You don't have to be here. You should go get some sleep."

"I know. I'll just stay a little longer. I'm sure Iris will be wondering where I am," he said checking his watch, which read 11:46.

"I'm going to wake him up again now. I need to do another cognitive assessment," Caitlin informed him. After a nod from Joe, Caitlin gently shook Barry's shoulder to wake him for the third time that night. Barry groaned.

"I'm so sorry," he mumbled in his sleep, "I failed."

"Barry, wake up," Joe said, patting Barry on the arm. Barry's eyes fluttered open, squinting to look back and forth between Caitlin and Joe. He gave them a small smile of recognition, which they took as a good sign.

"Do you know where you are, Barry?" Caitlin asked him peering into his face.

Barry tried to take everything in and strained to remember what had happened. After a moment he asked, "Am I home?"

Caitlin and Joe sighed.

"No, you're at STAR labs, Bar," Joe told him. Caitlin tried to shine a light in Barry's eyes but he shut them tightly and batted her hand away, trying to escape the intrusion.

"What are you doing?" he asked her irritably.

"I have to check your pupil reaction. Please try to keep your eyes open," Caitlin told him patiently.

"Where is Zoom?" Barry asked. Joe sighed again.

"We don't know Barry. It's been about a month since your fight with him."

Barry didn't appear to have heard him. He was starting to hyperventilate.

"He's still out there. I couldn't stop him."

"Bar, calm down. We're all working to find and stop Zoom," Joe said, grabbing Barry's shoulder trying to calm him, "You're okay. You just hit your head."

Barry's breathing started to even out, and his panicked expression became one of confusion, only to swiftly become panicked again as he ran his hands up and down his thighs.

"I can't feel my legs!" he said hysterically, his breathing becoming shallow again, "I can't feel my legs!"

"Yes, you can, Barry," Caitlin told him exasperatedly, "Your legs work just fine now."

As Barry started to calm back down, she shined the light in each of his eyes again, checking his pupil reaction.

"Can you follow my finger with your eyes please, Barry?" she said, holding up one finger and moving it towards and away from Barry's face, making sure his pupils constricted and dilated appropriately with the movement. Barry quickly grew tired of the exercise.

"That's enough of that," he said impatiently, batting away Caitlin's hand again, "I'm going to be late again. The captain's going to have my badge if I'm not there in the next few minutes."

"It's almost midnight," Joe said, amused, "I don't think Captain Singh is expecting you, Bar."

"Oh," Barry seemed to think for a moment, "I think I was supposed to be spending the night at Patty's tonight. She's going to be wondering where I am."

"No, she's out of town right now, remember?" Joe said patiently.

"Oh, okay. If you say so. But why am I here?" Barry asked.

"You hit your head, Barry," Caitlin told him again, "I'm keeping you here for observation,"

"What hit me?" Barry asked. Joe rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands as he answered him.

"Bar, we've answered that question several times already tonight. You're just going to ask us again in a few minutes. You were hit by a drone while you were training."

"Oh," Barry said, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion, "But I can walk now, right? I can still feel my legs?"

Joe smacked his own forehead. "Oh man, this is one long night," he sighed. Caitlin quickly finished her assessment and finally allowed Barry to go back to sleep.

Joe left to go home a little after midnight, saying that he would be back in the morning. Caitlin started checking Barry's neurological functions less frequently, allowing him to get more sleep in between checks. She felt better as his injuries slowly healed, but she felt herself getting increasingly worried when his cognitive status failed to improve and remained unchanged until the later hours of the morning.

…..

Hours later, Caitlin yawned as she rechecked Barry's vitals. The monitors could measure them for her, but she always felt better when she double checked them manually. Just as she was finishing taking his blood pressure, Barry's eyes fluttered open.

"Hey, Barry. Sorry to wake you again," she apologized, removing the blood pressure cuff from his arm.

"That's alright," he said hoarsely, "Can I get some water?"

Caitlin promptly handed him the water she had sitting at his bedside table. She surveyed him as his sipped from the straw. After a moment, he handed the water back to her and asked, "What time is it?"

"It's a little after six AM," Cisco informed him approaching the foot of the bed. Barry strained to look at him but stopped when the effort only made the pounding in his head worse. Caitlin was still scrutinizing his face.

"How are you feeling?" she asked him, careful not to speak too loud. She could tell his head was still hurting him and didn't want to make it worse.

"Much better I think. Just a little sore yet, but I feel alright."

"Do you remember everything?" Cisco asked him with both concern and amusement.

"I'm starting to. It's all a little fuzzy, but I feel much more clearheaded now."

"You had a pretty bad concussion," Caitlin told him, gently feeling the lump that was on his temple. The swelling had gone down immensely, but it was still palpable. Barry winced slightly despite her gentle touch. "You were pretty out of it for a while, longer than I thought you would be."

"You're lucky you didn't break your neck," Cisco joked, "You thought being paralyzed from the waist down was bad. Try not being able to move your entire body." Barry didn't laugh.

"I'm sorry," Barry said sincerely.

"What for?" Cisco asked.

"I'm sorry you guys had to Barry-sit all night long."

Cisco and Caitlin laughed. "Barry," Caitlin said, "It's not your fault. And besides, we're your friends and _I'm_ your doctor. It's what we're here for."

"Thank you, guys," Barry gave them a small smile. Cisco and Caitlin smiled back. Barry's smile suddenly fell and his eyes grew wide.

"What day is it?" he asked, suddenly intense, sitting up in bed. He felt a wave of nausea and lightheadedness with the sudden movement but ignored it.

"It's Friday," Cisco informed him, frowning.

"I have to get to work!" Barry exclaimed, swinging his legs over the side of the bed.

"Hang on, Barry," Caitlin said, placing her hands on his shoulders. She gently but firmly forced him to lie back down. Barry reluctantly slumped back against the pillows. "It's only six. You normally don't have to go into work until eight, right? You have plenty of time for me to check you over first."

Barry sighed, "Alright, I guess. But I'm going to have to go home to change and grab a few things too."

"Are you sure you don't want to take the day off, man?" Cisco asked him, "You were pretty hurt yesterday."

"Yeah, _yesterday_ , Cisco," Barry said exasperatedly, "I have superhealing, remember? I think I've had plenty of time to recover."

"Actually, Barry, I have to agree with Cisco," Caitlin said gently, "You're mostly healed now, but not as much as you should be. Your healing doesn't seem to be working as efficiently as usual."

"Really? Why is that?"

"We think it's a combination of stress, fatigue, and malnutrition. Your glucose levels were scary low, Barry. You can't be running like that when you're hypoglycemic. I had to administer multiple dextrose solutions to you intravenously just to get your glucose levels back to normal."

Barry looked at the IV in his arm and sighed.

"Yeah, I skipped my lunch break yesterday so I could get some sleep. I didn't really have time to eat anything before coming to STAR labs."

"You need to tell us that, Barry," Caitlin didn't sound angry, just concerned, "We would have understood. We didn't have to do that training exercise yesterday if you weren't feeling well."

"Alright, I'm sorry. I won't let it happen again, okay?" Barry apologized with a hint of exasperation in his voice.

"Okay," Caitlin said, not completely satisfied with his response, "I'm going to have our pantry stocked here at STAR labs so that you'll have food on hand while you're here though."

"Really, we should have done that a long time ago," Cisco added, "I wouldn't mind having some more snacks around here. I'm running out of places to hide my candy stash because you guys keep finding them."

"If it would make you feel better, fine," Barry laughed.

Caitlin resumed her examination by looking over Barry's previously broken arm, flexing it at the elbow. As she moved on to check how his fingers had healed she cautiously asked him, "So, how have you been feeling lately, Barry?"

"What do you mean? I said I feel fine."

"I mean before yesterday's accident. Have you been having any dizzy spells or anything? Have you felt sick at all?"

"No, not really," Barry lied, "Not before yesterday. I just didn't eat enough yesterday, that's all. Otherwise I've been fine."

He didn't want to give Caitlin any more reason to fret than she already did. The truth was that he _had_ been feeling lightheaded for a few days, and he didn't have enough appetite lately to keep up with his caloric requirements. Caitlin looked at him skeptically for a moment before resuming her assessment.

"Joe seems pretty worried about you," she said quietly, exchanging a tentative glance with Cisco, "He thinks you've been straining yourself too much."

Barry tried to laugh with little effect.

"Yeah, well, Joe tends to worry a lot, doesn't he? He worries a bit _too_ much sometimes."

"You know what, man," Cisco said, "I didn't really see it before because we've all been so preoccupied with Zoom, but now that I think of it, you _have_ been putting in a lot of time as the Flash lately. You don't really give yourself a lot of free time to rest and relax."

"I relax plenty," Barry said with an edge of impatience in his voice, "And besides, superheroes don't take sick days."

"Barry," Caitlin pleaded, "All of this stress isn't good for you. You've just had a traumatic brain injury. You need to recuperate, and going to work today in a post-concussive state is not going to help you. It can sometimes take weeks for a concussion to go away for a normal person, so you should at least give yourself a couple days."

"Caitlin, if I don't go to work today, I'm going to fall behind, and I'm going to have to face the wrath of my boss on Monday."

At that moment Joe walked into the medical bay, and overheard their slightly heated conversation.

"Oh no, Bar," he said as he entered the room, "You're not working today. I'll let the captain know you're not feeling well. I'll cover for you."

"Joe, please," Barry begged, "Singh is not going to continue to accept my excuses, even if they're coming from you. Besides, he needed a DNA analysis from the Ortiz case by the end of today, not to mention all of my other cases. If I don't go into work today, I'll be scrambling to catch up all of next week. I'm the only one in the CSI department now since Southworth was transferred, so I'm struggling to keep up right now until they hire someone to take his place, not that he ever really did that much to begin with."

"Alright," Joe said begrudgingly. Caitlin began to protest, but Joe held up his hand to her, "but you're leaving work early today. I'm not letting you work late again tonight."

"Fair enough," Barry agreed, "Thank you, Joe. If you're done with your checkup Caitlin, then I'm going to get going now."

Barry sat up again, swinging his stiff legs back over the side of the bed.

"Take it slowly, Barry. You're healed, but you still need rest," Caitlin warned.

"Slow isn't something that I'm very familiar with," he joked. He experimentally tugged at the IV in his arm.

"Here," Caitlin said quickly, grabbing his arm, "Don't just yank on it. Let me take it out the right way." She removed the tape that was holding the IV in place. "Really I'd feel better if we left it in for a while, but I guess there's no chance of that happening now, is there?"

"I just want to run home to shower and get a change of clothes. I'm sure you guys want the same thing. You were stuck here all night too."

"Alright, I understand," she agreed, as she removed the IV, "but I'm not letting you run anywhere. Have Joe give you a ride home."

"Caitlin, I hate riding in cars. It's unbearable."

"No, Barry, I'm not budging on this one. You're not allowed to run for at least the rest of today, if not for the rest of this weekend."

"What if something happens? An emergency?"

"We have law enforcement for a reason. You can't always do all of their work for them. Besides, you deserve a weekend off every once in a while."

"Okay, I won't run then," he said reluctantly to Caitlin's relief, "but I should really get going. I'm going to be late."

Cisco laughed, and they all looked at him questioningly. He shook his head, still smirking.

"Sorry, it's just, I've heard you say you're going to be late at least a dozen times. You kept saying it last night. You were late for a lot of different things. Late for work, late for meeting Patty, late for STAR labs. You were pretty distraught about it at some points."

They all laughed. Barry laughed with them.

"Yeah, that sounds like me. Always late."

Barry stood up, bracing himself against the railing alongside the bed. He tried not to look too disoriented, but the room was spinning. Caitlin grabbed his arm to provide more support.

"Easy, Barry. Take it slowly."

"I'm good," Barry said, stubbornly taking his arm back from her grasp. He walked out of the medical bay into the cortex, determined to show them that he was alright.

"I'd feel better if you ate something before you left. Cisco got us all donuts. You should have one now," she said, handing Barry a donut. Barry looked at the donut in his hand for a moment and found his stomach churning at the sight of it.

"You know what," he said, "I'm really not very hungry right now."

"Barry, I was just telling you that you need to eat more," Caitlin pressed.

"I know, but I feel a little nauseated actually," he said honestly, setting the donut down, "I just woke up. Just give me a little while to work up an appetite."

"Oh sure," Joe said exasperatedly, "Now he wants to take it slow."

"I'm just not hungry yet," Barry argued, "It's probably from all of the sugar you've been pumping into my veins."

"Here, let me check your glucose levels," Caitlin said, grabbing his hand and wiping his finger with an alcohol swab. She pricked his finger and allowed the glucose meter to analyze the drop of blood that emerged. "Barry, your blood sugar is _low_. You need to eat something."

"I'll eat when I'm home, okay?" Barry said defensively, wishing they would back off, "Come on, guys, let it go."

"No, Bar," Joe said determinedly, "You need to eat. You're going to end up killing yourself if you don't start making your own health a priority."

Barry laughed, "Come on, don't you think that's being a bit melodramatic? I'm fine!" He looked at each of them in turn, but they all shared the same worried expression, "Yesterday, Cisco, you wanted to see if I could take on three drones at once. Now you guys are acting like I'm on my deathbed or something."

"Barry," Caitlin said, "That was all before we saw how much damage you've been doing to your body. You need to take better care of yourself."

"Okay, okay," Barry said, holding his hands up, "You guys don't have to gang up on me. I'll try to eat and sleep more, alright? Can I just go home now? I just don't feel like eating or anything until I get home. I'll have a calorie bar then before I go to work. See, that's even better than a donut."

"Okay, fair enough," Caitlin agreed reluctantly.

To Barry's relief, they finally allowed him to leave. After grabbing his things, Barry walked out of STAR labs as fast as he could without using his superspeed.

Joe said, "I'll keep an eye on him," to Caitlin before following behind him.


	4. Scrutinized

Joe and Barry rode to work in silence. Joe decided not to further push Barry by continuing their earlier conversation about his health. They had said to Barry all that they had wanted to, and nagging him any further would only cause him to pull away even more. All Joe could do at this point was keep an eye on Barry, and make sure he was taking it easy. Joe was taking the task very seriously. He made sure Barry had eaten a calorie bar before going to work, and he intended to take him out for his lunch break to make sure he had a proper meal.

Once they got to the precinct, Barry wasted no time getting up the stairs to the solitude of his lab. He loved Joe and appreciated his concern, but he found it exhausting and extremely irritating the way Joe kept giving him sidelong glances while they were driving, thinking that Barry didn't notice.

Once he was at his desk, Barry was finally able to sink down into his chair and enjoy a moment to himself. He was exhausted. It had been a long night with Caitlin waking him up every hour to check on him, not to mention the fact that he had been exhausted before any of that had even happened. More of his memories from the previous day were coming back to him, and even though he had no reason to, he felt strangely ashamed about the entire ordeal.

He never liked to show weakness, and now after the training accident his friends and family were all concerned for him. He hated the way that their concern made him feel weak. It reminded him of how he felt after the singularity or after his fight with Zoom. It made him feel like a failure, and that was one of the worst feelings Barry had ever had to face.

Barry turned on his computer to see if his fingerprint analysis was complete, trying to ignore the pounding in his head. He still felt a little sick. The calorie bar that he had choked down at home with Joe watching had only made his nausea worse. He didn't understand why his appetite had been so poor lately. Perhaps it was simply stress, but Barry found that hard to believe. Something else had to be wrong with him. He knew he had been pushing himself more than usual, but not _that_ much more.

Whatever it was, Barry made a mental note to himself to pay closer attention to his caloric intake. He hadn't realized until now just how little he had been eating. He was barely eating enough to sustain a normal person, let alone someone like him who burns five times the amount of calories in a single day. It was no wonder why he was so fatigued lately. It wasn't just from working too hard or sleeping too little. He was slowly starving.

Barry gave himself a mental shake. He tried to return to his work, not wanting to think about his health or Zoom or any of that. Although stressful, he found his CSI work to be a welcome escape. It made him feel like his normal self again, like how he used to be before the lightning and before everything that had happened following it. Sure, he was swamped with his work, but forensic science had always been a passion of his. It wasn't just work to him; Barry found it interesting and sometimes exciting and enjoyed the challenge of an "unexplainable" case.

He had gotten plenty of those lately with all of the metahuman activity in Central City. Barry finished analyzing the fingerprints that he had collected earlier that week. As expected, the fingerprint matched their suspect, Dexter Redlinn, solidifying the rest of their evidence. Normally Barry would have been a little let down, thinking that the case was a little _too_ easy, but today he found it relieving. Now he was free to move on to his many other unsolved cases.

After completing his report and authenticating his analysis, Barry decided to bring the completed case file down to the captain immediately. He could feel Joe's eyes on him as he walked down the stairs but decided not to return his gaze. He had never before gone out of his way like this to ignore Joe at work, but today he just wanted to focus on his cases and not worry about Joe's concerns or anything else.

"Morning, Allen," Captain Singh greeted emotionlessly when he looked up as Barry walked into his office. He looked twice at Barry before saying, "You don't look so good. Late night?"

"No, sir," Barry said quickly, "I mean, yes, but I was working on something. I'm not bottlesick or anything, Captain. I—"

"What can I do for you, Allen?" Singh asked impatiently.

"I have the finished fingerprint analysis from the Ortiz case, sir," Barry said, handing him the file.

"Excellent," the captain said taking the file from his forensic scientist, "Where are you at with the Henderson case?"

Barry couldn't help be feel a little exasperated. It was just like the Captain; slight praise and then demanding to know the status of the next case. "I've just started the lab workup on the DNA I collected at the scene, and I found a way to prove that the shoe imprints match the suspects. He walks with a slight lean towards the outer soles of his feet, which cause the shoe prints to—"

"I don't need to know all the details, Allen," Singh barked, cutting off Barry's rant, "Just evaluate the evidence, and get me the report."

"Sure thing, Captain," Barry said. He started heading towards the door, but he stopped when the captain spoke again.

"Hey, Allen," Captain Singh paused when Barry turned to look at him, "Keep up the good work."

Barry smiled at him before leaving, making Singh glad that he had said something. It had been a while since he had seen the kid smile. He knew he was sometimes a little too harsh on the forensic scientist, but the truth was, he really did respect the man. Barry was the best in his department, and Singh was reminded of that when Barry had been in a coma and he was left with only Southworth to do all of the forensic work in his absence.

Southworth had been the head of the CSI department. He was ancient, and by the time Barry had come to work at the precinct he had lost his flair and his passion for his work. Barry had been signed on as his forensic assistant, but he had quickly outshined Southworth being the scientific genius that he was. Southworth had become rather bitter towards his assistant.

When he was training Barry for the job, he had quickly realized that Barry's knowledge and expertise in the field readily outweighed his own years of experience. Barry had a passion for his work that Southworth had never had, even in his younger years on the job. Within a year, Southworth had become content to retreat to his office on the ground level of the precinct and allow his overly enthused assistant to have full reign of the lab upstairs where he could do most of the forensic work himself. In no time at all, everyone in the precinct began to refer to it as Barry's lab, and they all knew that if they wanted forensic work done (and done well and in a decent period of time) they should bring it directly to Barry and _not_ to the head of CSI.

Singh had recently realized that Southworth's work was less than satisfactory and that he had completely fallen into the habit of passing on all of his real work to Barry. Upon this realization, Singh had Southworth transferred to the Central County department, hoping that working in a county office would be a better environment for him versus the city precinct.

Captain Singh had been considering multiple forensic scientists to take Southworth's place at the precinct, but he was now starting to fully recognize and appreciate Barry's expertise in the field and was considering giving him the position as the head of the CSI department, despite his young age and chronic lateness. The kid had a lot of heart. He cared about his work, and it hadn't escaped Singh's notice that Barry had been pulling extra hours at the precinct to accommodate to the rising crime rates within the last month. Barry had long deserved the salary and authority of Southworth's position for years. In all actuality, Barry had already unofficially been acting as the head of forensics for a long time now. He deserved to have the position officially.

…..

Barry returned to his lab to work on the Henderson case, but when he opened the file to revisit the evidence, he found himself unable to concentrate. His head injury still had him feeling a little foggy, and he found himself rereading the same lines over again, having forgotten what he had already read. Normally he was able to speed read through his reports within a few seconds, but today he found himself unable. At this rate, it would take him hours to finish. Caitlin had told him that the effects of his concussion might still affect him for a couple days, but he hadn't thought it would affect him this much.

"Mr. Allen?"

Barry looked up at the man's voice to see the coroner, Dan Griffin, standing in his doorway. He was a younger man, only slightly older than Barry. He wore large round glasses, and his dark hair was always sleeked back with excessive amounts of hair gel. He had a slightly awkward way about him. His soft, airy voice was sometimes unsettling, and many simply referred to him as creepy. Barry had always been on good terms with him, however, seeing as they often had to work closely together when working on homicide cases.

Griffin was new to the department, having replaced the former coroner after he had been murdered by Clyde Martin in the morgue. Griffin often sought advice from Barry when he needed it. He found Barry very friendly and helpful, and Barry was also very knowledgeable in the field of post-mortem investigation even though it wasn't his particular specialty. Griffin had come to ask for Barry's input in a particular case, handing him a file. After reviewing the case Barry agreed to accompany Griffin to the morgue to give him a consultation in person. Just as Barry and the coroner were leaving Barry's lab, they ran into Joe in the doorway. Joe jumped when he was unexpectedly face to face with the eerie coroner. He muttered an apology before turning to Barry.

Still clutching his heart, Joe asked Barry, "Where are _you_ headed?"

"Mr. Griffin wanted my opinion on a particular homicide case," Barry answered, "I was just headed to the morgue with him to take a look at it."

"Oh, well I was just coming to see if you wanted to go grab some lunch. On me?" Joe asked hopefully.

"I would, Joe," Barry said awkwardly, looking at Griffin, "but this might take a while. It looks like a pretty interesting case."

"They always do, Bar," Joe said impatiently.

"Next week, alright? I promise," Barry said hurriedly before he and the coroner disappeared through the door, leaving Joe standing in the empty lab.

…..

Cisco was working on repairing his drone. He felt guilty every time he saw the huge dent in the front of the missile where it had hit Barry square in the back. The damage to the drone was surprisingly minor, and it would only require some minor repairs. Cisco decided to take a break from his tinkering to see what Caitlin was up to. Walking into the main Cortex he found her hunched over her microscope.

"Hey, working on your speed serum?" Cisco asked her, taking a seat at the desk next to her. She jumped at his voice, having been completely absorbed in the work.

"No," she answered, "Actually I don't think that serum is a good idea now. Jay adamantly warned us against it, and I've had my reservations about it from the start. Barry seems all on board of course, but now I'm really worried about what it might do to him. I'm putting the project on hold, maybe even indefinitely, but don't tell Barry. I don't think he'd be very happy about it."

"My lips are sealed," Cisco said, "So what are you working on then?"

"I'm just analyzing the blood sample I took from Barry last night and comparing it with his past samples. There's something not right here, and I'm trying to figure out what that is."

"Yeah, I'm kind of worried about him. I feel guilty about the whole drone thing."

"That wasn't your fault, Cisco. Barry knew how he was feeling before the drill. He should have said something. He's just so stubborn," Caitlin said bitterly.

"Well, to be fair, it's not like he did it on purpose," Cisco countered.

"I know that. It's just, I feel like he tells us less and less. There's something physically wrong with him, but more than that, something has changed in him mentally. He's…harder. He's taking everything so seriously now."

"Yeah, Caitlin, we _all_ are. Before Zoom, this all just felt like a game, but it's not really like that anymore. Almost losing Barry, it's made us realize that this is life and death here. It's not fun and games."

"And _I_ know that more than any of us," Caitlin said, "I've been trying to keep Barry alive since day one. I had to keep him alive after his fight with Zoom, and I helped him with his physical therapy so that he could walk again. You don't need to tell me how serious this is."

"But imagine how Barry feels," Cisco urged, "Yeah, you took care of him, but he's the one who actually had to live through all of that. He's the one who almost died. That changes a person."

"Yeah, he's definitely changed," Caitlin agreed, "He says he's moved on since he recovered, but I think if we've learned anything from last night, it's that he's clearly not over it. I mean, how many times did he mention Zoom or his legs? I think he's struggling with some post-traumatic stress, but he's denying it and trying to hide it."

Cisco nodded as he thought out loud, "But what can _we_ do about it? It's not like he'd let us help him with something like that."

"Knowing Barry, if we try to push him, he'll just pull away even more. I think all we can do is be there for him. For now, let's just make sure he takes care of himself."

Cisco voiced his agreement before returning to his drone work, still worrying about his friend.

…..

Joe was sitting at his desk, organizing his files when he looked up to see Barry walking into the precinct returning from his visit to the morgue. Joe was instantly alarmed when he saw Barry's expression. His face was ashen and had a slight green tint to it, and he looked like he was going to be sick.

Like he had earlier, Barry determinedly didn't look at Joe as he made his way for the stairs. Joe stood up from his desk when he saw Barry stumble slightly before beginning his ascent up the staircase. Joe quickly made his way to stairs, determined to catch up with Barry, who was now half way up to his lab. His alarm grew when he saw that Barry was leaning heavily on the railing as walked. Joe quickly caught up to him.

"Barry?" Joe said, grabbing Barry's arm to help him, "What's wrong? You don't look too good."

"I'm fine," Barry said weakly yet firmly, trying to take his arm back from Joe. Joe continued to hold his grasp though, despite Barry's protests. Barry was breathing heavily and had a sheer shine of cold sweat on his forehead. They managed to reach Barry's lab, where Joe helped Barry to sit in the chair by his desk.

"What happened, Bar?" he asked, scrutinizing Barry's appearance. His face had a grayish tint to it now, and he appeared to be out of breath. Joe stepped back to lean against Barry's desk as he waited for him to respond.

"Nothing, it's stupid," Barry said flatly.

"Out with it, Barry," Joe growled.

"It was just the morgue. It's been a while since I've been there," Barry answered dismissively, "Normally bodies don't bother me, but today it was just a bit much."

"Is that all?"

"Yeah," Barry said defensively, "Why?"

"Are you sure you didn't _run_?" Joe said with his interrogation face. Barry hesitated. His pause was brief, but he knew it would give him away, so he confessed.

"It was only a couple of blocks, Joe. The morgue is just down the street."

"Barry, what did Caitlin tell you? You're not supposed to run today. Period," Joe hassled. He was past frustration. He was angry.

"I've learned my lesson, okay? You can spare me the lecture. I won't be doing it again any time soon."

Joe's anger quickly dissipated into concern as he saw that Barry was still breathing heavily and not from the heat of the conversation.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Barry assured him shortly, "I'm just a little winded. I'll be fine. I just wanted to test myself. I wanted to see if I could run, but Caitlin was right. I should take it easy today."

"Technically she said for the whole weekend," Joe countered, but went silent at the look on Barry's face.

"I'm good now, Joe," Barry said after a moment, "I'm going to get back to work."

Barry stood and turned on his centrifuge to continue his lab work. Joe watched him for a moment, making sure he was really alright before leaving the lab. He knew Barry would only get angry if he hovered, so he decided to give him some space. It wasn't until Joe got back to his desk downstairs that he realized that Barry normally just shook the vials with his superspeed and that he hadn't seen him use that centrifuge in over a year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I kind of went off on a tangent at the beginning of this chapter with all of the CSI stuff. It just drives me crazy how unclear it is in the show what Barry's position at the precinct is exactly, so I decided to fill in the blanks. Patty might be making an appearance soon in this story, as well as Iris. To be clear, this story is set around episode 209 (between Barry's fight with Zoom and the Christmas episode) so Barry is currently with Patty. I might do a minor Spallen scene, but this is not a romance fic, and it's not a question of Spallen, WestAllen, or Snowbarry.


	5. Busted

It was Sunday night and Barry had spent his entire weekend recovering. His speed had mostly returned and he was feeling much better, but the STAR labs team had decided not to alert him to any crimes that were in progress, figuring that since the police had gotten by just fine before the Flash came along, they would be able to survive the weekend without him. What they hadn't accounted for, however, was the fact that Barry, who _worked_ for the police department, was more than capable of staying up to date with what was going on in the city. He had taken his police radio home with him and was listening to every alert that dispatch gave.

They could try to keep him in the dark. They could force him to rest at home. They could have Joe watching him like a hawk. They could even hide his own suit from him (Although, Cisco had insisted that it was his, and not Barry's). But none of that could stop him from doing what he felt he needed to do. All weekend, Barry had been racing out of the house whenever Joe wasn't looking.

He was selective about which emergencies he responded to, knowing that he still needed to conserve his energy and that every time he ran out to a call, he risked exposing his identity, seeing as he was now going suitless. He figured if he moved fast enough and never paused long enough for anyone to make out his face, he would be safe. He had ruined three of his shirts over the course of the weekend from them catching fire, but he figured a few shirts were a small price to pay considering the good he was doing.

Barry hadn't been surprised when Joe decided not to tell Iris about the drone incident. It wouldn't have done any good to upset her unnecessarily. He was grateful that she didn't know about it. All of the attention and concern that he was getting from everyone else was starting to get on his nerves. Caitlin had been extremely angry with him because of his refusal to go into STAR labs for a more complete and extensive physical exam.

Iris had moved back home a few months earlier. Living in Eddie's old apartment had been too difficult for her, and she had finally started to move on from his death once she was back at home with her family. With Barry and her both living at home, she thought it would feel like old times again. She thought it would be like the good old days back in high school when she and Barry saw each other every day and spent late nights talking and watching movies.

She was disappointed, however, by the lack of Barry's presence in the West house. Although he still technically lived there, he was hardly ever home. He had even stopped coming home most nights. Knowing that Patty was currently out of town until next week, she assumed correctly that the reasons behind his absence were Flash-related.

Considering the fact that she hadn't seen him all week, Iris found it strange that suddenly Barry was home the entire weekend. She thought maybe he slipped out of the house a couple times, but for the most part, he stayed home. Although she wanted to finally spend some quality time with her best friend, Iris had the feeling that Barry wanted to be left alone, so she gave him space. She could tell something was wrong, but she could also tell from years of experience of being his best friend that Barry didn't want to talk about it.

Shortly after he had recovered from everything Zoom did to him, Barry had changed. He had always been so fun and happy, despite all of the hardships he had gone through in his life, but he was serious now. More reserved. Secretive even. Iris wanted to be there for him but knew it was best to just follow Barry's lead and not talk about it. He would open up when he was ready.

Barry felt another twinge of annoyance when out of the corner of his eye he saw Joe quickly peak his head into the living room _again_. Barry was sitting on the couch, looking over some of the files he had brought home from work, while secretly listening to his police radio using a discreet earpiece. He was just analyzing some blood splatter patterns when Iris suddenly plopped down on the couch next to him, sitting crosslegged to face him.

"Why is my dad spying on you?" she asked him bluntly.

"What?" he said, feigning ignorance.

"Don't give me that," she said exasperatedly, "You think I don't know something's up with you two? You guys have been acting weird all weekend."

Barry shrugged. He knew that Iris was bound to get suspicious eventually. The tension between him and Joe at the moment was almost palpable. At that moment he heard another report from the dispatcher in his earpiece about a high speed car chase on Algoma Boulevard involving shots fired. He knew Iris was still waiting for a more adequate answer, but he had to go before someone got hurt. He was saved the prospect of answering by Joe calling out to them from the kitchen, announcing dinner.

Iris gave him a look that plainly said _this conversation isn't over_ before heading into the kitchen. When her back was turned, Barry was out the door in less than a second. Algoma Boulevard was all the way across town, and he wasn't up to his full speed quite yet, so it took him at least a good thirty seconds to get there while before he could have done it in five.

Barry was able to quickly disarm the dangerous driver before pulling him out of his car to place him, handcuffed and confused, in the back of one of the squad cars. He then took over the driver's seat of the criminal's car in order to make sure it was safely pulled over, taking note of how weird it felt for him to be driving a car for the first time in over a year. He wasted no time getting back home before his absence was discovered. Altogether, he was gone for about two full minutes, his longest sneakout yet. He hoped he wasn't pushing it too much.

Thankfully though, he managed to get home and walk nonchalantly into the kitchen before they noticed he was gone. He felt strangely smug that he had pulled it off, but his victory was short lived.

"What's that smell?" Joe said suddenly after Barry had come into the kitchen for a few seconds. Barry looked down at his shoes. They were smoldering, and the smell of burning rubber was quickly enveloping the kitchen.

"Dammit, Barry!" Joe shouted when his eyes rested on the source of the smell. Iris jumped, startled and confused by the outburst.

"Joe, I—"

"I don't want to hear it! I'm sure you had a good reason, but I don't want to hear it!"

"It was an emergency," Barry explained anyways, "An armed car chase downtown!"

"Dad," Iris said, her eyes wide with confusion, "What's your problem?"

Joe ignored her.

"How did you…?" he started to ask, staring at Barry. Joe's face rapidly warped into an expression of realization, and he quickly closed the distance between him and Barry, storming up to him to rip the ear piece out of his ear. Joe held it up, dangling in front of Barry's face. Barry simply looked at it, his jaw set with defiance.

Joe's mouth was a thin line, and he was angry beyond words. He opened and closed his mouth a few times but didn't say anything. After a moment he simply turned and stormed out of the room, leaving behind an awkward silence in his wake.

…..

**That same night at STAR labs:**

"Hey, Caitlin?" Cisco called across the room from his desk.

"Hmm?" Caitlin responded. She was working on mapping out Barry's genetic sequences, something she had been working on for months now. DNA was complicated enough, but Barry's was practically its own other language.

"I just got a report of a Flash sighting from about ten minutes ago."

Caitlin paused from her work, and looked over at Cisco. She let out an angry sigh.

"Call Joe," was all she said.

Cisco hated feeling like a tattle tale, but he knew it was necessary, so he pulled out his phone. He was on the phone with Joe for only a few minutes. Judging from what she heard on Cisco's side of the conversation, Caitlin could tell that Joe was _not_ happy. After hanging up Cisco said, "He knew already. He's pretty upset."

"He's not the only one," Caitlin said dangerously.

"I'm sure Joe has already confronted Barry tonight," Cisco said calmly, "It doesn't pay for all of us to jump down his throat at once. We can scold him tomorrow, alright?"

"Oh, he's in for a world of trouble tomorrow," Caitlin said spitefully, "because I'm going to put him through every medical test I've got, and I'm _not_ going to let him refuse this time."

…..

After Joe had stormed out of the kitchen and disappeared to his room, not to be seen again that night, Barry had no choice but to explain to Iris everything that was going on. He was irritated yet not surprised when she took Joe's side.

"He's just worried about you, Barry!" she said loudly, "And so am I!"

"Iris, please don't blow this out of proportion like everyone else."

"Well, it sounds pretty bad. If Caitlin and everyone else says you're not eating and resting enough, then they must be right."

"You know Caitlin. She gets easily worked up if there's even the slightest of changes in my vital signs. She's overreacting," Barry assured her.

"Bar, if they've gone to the extreme of hiding your suit from you and putting you on house arrest so that you can heal, then you should probably listen to them. Obviously there's something wrong. We don't want to lose you, Barry, and if you won't do it for them or even for your own self, then please, at least do it for me," Iris pleaded with nothing but concern in her voice.

Barry wished she had just gotten angry. It would have been easier to argue with her if she had just gotten mad at him, but he found it so much harder to dispute what she was saying when she was saying it with so much love and concern.

"Okay, Iris. I'll try harder to take better care of myself. I _will_ ," Barry said sincerely, showing an emotion other than the frustration and anger he had been projecting for the last few days. He was lucky to have so many friends that cared so much about him, and he was grateful towards Iris for showing him only concern and support when everyone else seemed to just get angry with him. It was hard not to get defensive with the rest of them when they were constantly berating him about his health.

He could tell that Iris, like everyone else, was now already starting to visually analyze him for signs of illness. Barry wished she wouldn't. It made him feel like he was this fragile thing that might break at any moment. As if to prove that he meant what he told her, Barry sat down at the kitchen table to eat the dinner that Joe had made, feeling a twinge of guilt that he had driven Joe out of the room with his actions.

Iris was relieved when Barry succumbed to her pleading with so little resistance. He seemed to soften for a moment. His eyes didn't look so hard. He still wasn't the same happy Barry he had been before, but at least he had finally shown more emotion than he did when he was just a hard shell of anger like he had been lately.

She sat down and joined him for dinner. After a few moments of silence, she changed the subject, knowing that the best thing for Barry would be for them to talk about something else to get his mind off of such heavy things. His mood seemed so erratic lately, and she wanted to do anything she could to lift it. Even as they laughed and joked as they talked she thought his laugh sounded hollow and his smile didn't quite reach his eyes. There was something really off about him.

Iris could see it now. She could see the fatigue in the dark shadows under his eyes and in the paleness of his skin. She noticed a slight tremor in his hands as he brought his fork up to his pale lips. Barry was definitely sick. Iris felt both alarm and guilt for not seeing it before, but she tried to keep a smile fixed on her face more for Barry's benefit than her own. What was happening to her best friend?


	6. Determined

Barry's superhealing seemed to be increasingly helping him to recover. By the next day, his speed was nearly back up to where it had been before, and a full meal and a good night's sleep left him feeling energized and appearing much more vibrant to those who saw him.

He got to work at his usual time rather than going in early like he had been lately. The extra sleep actually made him _more_ productive, and he more than made up for the lost time with his increased speed and efficiency. It also helped that he had taken several of his cases home with him over the weekend. He was now starting his Monday off with a head start and a fresh mind and body.

His mood was lifted, and he felt that the worst of it was over. He knew he would have to keep it up. He would have to continue to get full nights' sleep and to eat enough. Speaking of which, he still had yet to have breakfast. He had made the mistake of wearing his good work shoes the night before when he was running, and he had used his extra time in the morning to go to the store to buy a new pair.

He knew he should eat something now. He had a few calorie bars in his bag, but just the thought of them made him feel sick. He would have to talk to Cisco about coming up with a new form of nutrition. Perhaps a powder or a drink, or even a different flavor granola bar would be nice. He was so sick of choking those bland things down, especially when he didn't even _feel_ hungry. Before, he had been eating about six of them a day. Now he struggled just to eat _one_.

Barry decided he would get some work done before he would eat something. Maybe it would help him to work up an appetite. He was just pipetting a blood sample into several test tubes to determine the blood type when Joe walked into his lab. Barry looked up at him and, not knowing how Joe was going to act towards him today, he decided not to say anything. Barry looked back down at his work, determinedly focusing on what he was doing with the test tubes even though he could do this procedure in his sleep. He waited stubbornly for Joe to be the first one to speak.

"Barry," Joe said after a moment. Barry was surprised to hear that there was no residual anger in his voice. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have blown up at you like that."

Barry stole a glance at Joe, but didn't say anything, his eyes quickly returning back to his blood typing work, his face revealing no emotion.

"I was just talking to Officer Liddell downstairs," Joe continued, "and he reckons that if the Flash hadn't been there last night there was a good chance some innocent people might have been killed by that driver."

"That's why I can't stop, Joe," Barry said finally, looking Joe in the eye, "Because if I do, people die."

"I understand, Bar," Joe said sadly.

"Do you?" Barry asked, "I know we're all a part of Team Flash, but do you really understand what it feels like? I'm the one who's actually out there, while everyone else is sitting behind the desk at STAR labs. I feel the weight of most of it because if I'm not fast enough people die. Everyone at STAR does their part. I'm just trying to get faster so that I can do mine."

"You're not just a set of legs, Bar," Joe countered, "You're a genius. You contribute your brain to the cause just as much as your body. Don't forget that."

Barry didn't say anything. He looked back to his test tubes, hardly seeing them.

"How are you feeling today?" Joe asked after a moment, trying not to sound too prying.

"Just about back to normal actually," Barry answered, not dishonestly. He really _was_ feeling better. It was just his appetite that was still off. That, and a slight headache throbbing behind his eyes. Other than that, he felt fine.

"Good," Joe said, "I'm relieved to hear it. You're going to have to prove that to Caitlin the hard way though I'm afraid."

"What?" Barry asked, confused.

"I talked to Cisco on the phone last night. They know you were out on Flash duty. I'm sure Caitlin is probably on the warpath as we speak."

"You didn't have to tell them, Joe," Barry said, feeling anger rise in his chest.

"I didn't," Joe answered calmly, "They already knew. Ever since the Flash's life status became questionable after what happened with Zoom, people have been calling in to report any and every Flash sighting they see to spread the word that you're alive."

"Oh," Barry said, simmering down, "I didn't realize that it was still in question."

"People will always have their doubts, Bar," Joe said. Then, seeing the look on Barry's face, he added, "but that doesn't mean you should doubt yourself. The people of Central City will only believe in you once _you_ believe in you."

Joe knew it sounded cheesy, but he meant it. Barry's drive to prove himself again in the eyes of Central City was the root of his stress and overtraining. He knew that getting the old Barry back would require re-instilling confidence in the defeated speedster, and Joe was determined to do whatever he could to make that happen.

It wasn't until noon that Barry got a call from Caitlin. She said only a few words, "You. STAR labs. After work. No excuses," before hanging up. Barry sighed. He knew he would have to face Caitlin eventually, so, resigning to just get it over with, he texted her "Ok" before resuming his work.

…..

Caitlin had never given him such an extensive range of medical tests before. Barry felt slightly violated by the end of it. He had been there for hours as she ran MRIs, blood tests, brain scans, and physiological response tests.

Even Cisco thought they were being a bit excessive, and he tried to keep Caitlin at bay, insisting that they didn't need to take a thyroid biopsy or that Barry had been in the MRI machine long enough. He knew Barry hated being in that small space. Barry would never admit to it, but his pulse gave him away when it raced every time they lowered the immobilizer over his head.

At least Barry didn't have a phobia of needles, Cisco thought, as Caitlin took yet another blood sample. Barry looked simply bored and impatient to be done with the exam. A hard-faced Caitlin worked through test after test, collecting her results while saying very little.

"Well, Barry," she finally said, looking over his medical chart, "Overall, I guess it's not as bad as I thought. Your joints and tendons are a bit worn from all the running though. If you did some more stretching before you ran, it might help. Your cells, although still moving at an impossible metabolic rate, look a little sluggish compared to your norm. You should be safe to run now though, but try to keep it to a minimum."

"Great," Barry said, hopping off of the medical examination bed and pulling on his shirt, "I should get going. Patty's back from her trip, and I'm taking her out for dinner tonight."

"Not so fast," Caitlin said sternly, stopping him from walking out by gently placing a hand on his chest, "I said you can run now, but that doesn't mean you're back to full health, Barry. You've lost some weight. You were 185 just a few weeks ago, and now you're down to 175."

"That's only ten pounds. That's not _that_ drastic, Caitlin," Barry argued.

"In that little amount of time, yes it is, Barry, especially for you. Your cells are supposed to be regenerative, but instead of gaining mass, you're losing it. You haven't really lost any muscle mass, but your percent body fat is extremely low."

"It's not like I'm underweight now, Caitlin. I'm 6'2'' so my BMI must be around 22 or 23. That's perfectly healthy."

"That's not the point," Caitlin argued, "I don't care if it's normal. That's still a dramatic loss of weight in that amount of time. I just want to make sure that we keep an eye on it. Your glucose levels were low again, Barry, which tells me you're still not eating enough."

"I'm trying. Really," Barry said honestly, looking between Caitlin and Cisco, who had remained silent throughout the entire conversation thus far, "But you guys don't realize just how much food that is until you're the one who has to eat it all. My body might need more calories because of my metabolism, but my stomach can still only handle so much. I'd like to see either of you try to eat half as much as you guys say I should be eating in a day. It's impossible!"

"You never had trouble with it before," Cisco said, "You always ate everything no problem."

"Yeah, but it gets exhausting after a while," Barry tried to explain to them, "It's kind of ruining food for me now actually. I used to actually _enjoy_ food. Now it's like it's a huge chore to eat it. Not to mention the money I have to spend. I spend like half my paycheck on groceries!"

"Well, that's what the calorie bars are for, man! So you don't have to eat so much."

"Ugh, if I have to eat another one of those things I think I'll self-destruct. They make me sick just thinking about them."

"Well, jeez," Cisco said jokingly, feigning offense, "Tell me how you really feel, Barry. Since when are you Mr. Picky? I worked pretty hard on that calorie bar recipe, thank you very much."

"They were alright at first, Cisco," Barry assured him, "but you eat six of those a day for a year and tell me that you wouldn't be sick to death of them too."

"Okay, I guess I get it. I could try to make you something different. Another high-calorie source?"

"Yeah," Barry agreed, "I was thinking maybe you could make it in a powder form, and then I can just do what I want with that."

"Like put it in shakes and stuff?" Cisco asked.

"Exactly."

"That _does_ sound like a good idea," Caitlin agreed, "but Barry, I want to figure out what might also be causing your lack of appetite. I can't possibly believe that it stems only from disliking the calorie bars."

"What else would it be?" Barry asked. He could tell Caitlin had something in mind and was wondering where she was going with this.

"Stress," Caitlin answered.

"Oh not this again," Barry groaned immediately, throwing his hands in the air.

"Yes, Barry. I think it's all of your stress and anxiety that's causing your lack of appetite."

"Anxiety? Anxiety about what?" Barry demanded.

"Zoom of course. You're clearly still affected by him, Barry," she accused.

"I'm healed now," Barry countered, "I'm over it."

"But you're not, man," Cisco refuted, "It's still affecting you."

"Guys, I'm not any more affected by Zoom than you two are. We _all_ want to defeat him, not just me."

"Barry, you know there's more to it than that," Caitlin said quietly, "You've been different ever since your fight with him. There's something wrong with you. I just don't know what that is exactly. I thought you were fully healed from your fight with Zoom, but maybe I missed something."

Barry sighed.

"If you're done with all of your overly-invasive diagnostic tests, I'm going to leave. I'm going to be late meeting Patty."

With that, he grabbed his jacket and left before Caitlin or Cisco could protest.

…..

By Thursday, Barry decided that, now that he was feeling better and Caitlin had given him the okay to run, he would resume his training on the treadmill. He was finally back up to his average velocity, but he was determined to top his all-time maximum speed.

Cisco jumped and covered his ears when he heard the loud explosion-like bang come from the other room. He knew only one thing could have made a sound like that, and that was a sonic boom. Sure enough, when he entered the room that looked upon the treadmill, he found Barry in there. As Cisco surveyed him through the glass he thought Barry looked like he was pushing himself harder than ever. Barry was so focused on going faster, Cisco doubted he even knew he was there.

Still covering his ears, Cisco looked at the velocity reading on the screen. Barry had already broken past mach 1, which Cisco already knew from the ringing in his ears. He was steadily approaching mach 2, and Cisco, although he knew Barry shouldn't be pushing himself like this, couldn't help but eagerly anticipate the moment when Barry would top his best speed. He was glad Caitlin had left for a coffee run because she definitely would not have been cool with this.

Cisco quickly put on the advanced seal ear wear that they had on hand for moments like these. The room was supposed to be sound proof, but once the boom started, it could be heard throughout the entire building, and it never subsided until Barry slowed to below mach 1 again. Cisco watched nervously as the glass on the window between them started to vibrate angrily as it was bombarded by the cone of compacted sound waves coming from where Barry ran.

As Barry finally surpassed mach 2, menacing cracks started to form in the triple reinforced glass window, and Cisco took a careful step back, just in case it shattered. He knew he should stop Barry. That this wasn't a good idea. But he couldn't make himself do it, not when Barry was this close.

Barry wished he had thought to put his protective ear plugs in. He thought his eardrums were going to explode from the vibrating boom that was echoing around the room. He knew that Cisco or Caitlin were bound to hear it from wherever they were in the building, but he didn't care. He didn't want to break his focus now as he pushed himself to go even faster. Barry heard the tingling of broken glass as the window between the two rooms shattered.

Cisco hadn't been prepared for it. He had stepped back from the window, knowing inevitably that it was bound to shatter, but he hadn't been prepared for the deafening roar of sound that doubled once there was no barrier between him and the source. Even with his ear wear on, Cisco was in agony with the pain in his ears. In a panic, he did the only thing he could think to do. He lunged forward and hit the emergency stop button for the treadmill.

Barry was determined. His leg muscles felt like they were on fire, and his lungs felt like they were being shredded apart, but he dug deep. He pushed to go faster, ignoring the blood running down the sides of his neck from his ears. Just when he was about to break through to mach 3, he felt a slight lurch beneath his feet as the treadmill started to slow against his will. With intense horror and frustration beyond belief, Barry was forced to slow to an eventual agonizing stop.

For a moment he thought he had broken it, but then he looked over and saw Cisco standing in the next room. Barry couldn't have shouted at Cisco even if he wanted to. He was breathing so hard, he thought one of his lungs might pop. He felt dizzy from not being able to get air in fast enough. He bent over and braced his hands on his knees as he tried to catch his breath.

When he looked up again a moment later, he saw Caitlin rush in through the doorway, but he couldn't quite make out what she was saying. He didn't need to hear her, however, to know that she was angry. She rushed over to him and forced him to sit in a chair off to the side. The treadmill wouldn't have made very good seating, seeing as it was smoldering from the friction of Barry's speed. Barry's ears were extremely painful and throbbing, but over the loud ringing sound, he was able to make out some of her words.

"What the hell did you think you were doing?" she yelled, wiping away the blood surrounding his ears. Barry was covered in sweat, and he couldn't stop his hands from shaking. Caitlin took out her otoscope and Barry winced when she inserted it inside each of his ears to assess the damage he had done to his tympanic membranes.

After looking at his ears and taking his vitals and scolding him some more, Caitlin moved on to Cisco whom, Barry was sorry to see, had some minor damage to his ears as well. By the time she was done looking over Cisco, Barry's hearing had already started to return, but the annoying ringing hadn't quite subsided yet. He wanted to get up and leave the room before the real yelling started, but he didn't trust himself to stand just yet. Even just sitting there, he was taking deep breathings willing himself not to throw up or pass out in his chair. Having come down from the high of moving at such great speeds, Barry could feel his body crashing now, and Caitlin knew it too.

She disappeared into the other room, and returned a short while later holding a pillow and a glass of what looked like orange juice. She didn't even need to take his blood sugar to know that he was hypoglycemic. She could tell just by looking at him that he had just burned through all of the glycogen stores in his body, and he would soon lose consciousness if they weren't replenished.

She silently handed him the glass of juice and laid the pillow on the floor. After he drained the glass, she took it from him and set it aside and proceeded to help him lie down on the floor, his head resting on the pillow. Barry would have protested, but he didn't have the energy to, and he had to admit; he _did_ feel much better once he was in a horizontal position. Caitlin had him elevate his legs by propping them on the seat of the chair in order to increase the blood flow to his head.

Barry laid in this recovery position for some time while Caitlin monitored his blood sugar and rechecked his vitals. His eyes slid shut as he tried to block out the sound of Caitlin and Cisco arguing. He felt a sharp prick of pain in his arm, and he knew Caitlin was inserting an IV. He must have eventually fallen asleep because when he reopened his eyes, all of the glass that had been scattered about the floor had been cleaned up and Iris and Joe were there. They were all standing a few feet away, and Caitlin was explaining to them that he was having a hypoglycemic crisis but would recover within a few hours once they got his blood sugar back up.

Barry sat up, propping himself up with one hand against the cool floor. Caitlin noticed the movement and was briskly kneeling down by him within seconds. He could feel the cold sweat that drenched his entire body, and he still felt a little weak and shaky, but he felt much better after laying down for a while. Caitlin quickly checked his oxygen saturation, pulse, and blood pressure.

"When I said you could run again, Barry, I think you know I didn't mean this kind of running," she started in on him as she switched his IV for a fresh bag.

"I know, I'm sorry. I got so caught up in topping my best speed, I didn't think," Barry said, hoping it would be enough to make her back off.

"Dude," Cisco said to Barry loudly (his ears were still ringing), "You were _so_ close. I'm sorry I stopped you. I guess I just kind of freaked when the window blew out."

Caitlin scowled at Cisco's nonchalant manner. She hadn't exactly been happy to discover that he had simply stood there and allowed Barry to push himself to these limits without intervening. Of course she wanted Barry to reach a new highest speed. They all did. But she knew where the line was and how much she was prepared to risk to achieve that goal, and Barry's life was definitely not something she was willing to risk.

"Don't worry about it, Cisco," Barry told him, ignoring the disapproving glares Caitlin was shooting both of them, "How are your ears?" he asked him apologetically.

"They're fine," Cisco answered, still speaking loudly, "I'll have some bad tinnitus for a little while, but Caitlin said there was no serious damage."

"And the glass," Barry continued guiltily, "I'm sorry I made such a mess in here. I'll pay to have it replaced."

"Hey, man, you own the entire building now. You can break whatever you want."

"Barry, what did you eat today?" Iris asked suddenly, interrupting their conversation, "Did you eat that lunch I packed for you?"

"Yes," Barry said, "I ate it during my lunch break."

Iris could tell there was more to it than that. Barry was avoiding her gaze, starring at the IV in his arm instead of looking at anyone else in the room.

"What aren't you telling us, Barry?" Iris asked quietly. Barry looked up at Iris with shock, amazed at how well she knew him. He avoided looking at Caitlin and looked directly at Iris when he answered.

"I couldn't keep it down," he said quietly, his eyes returning back down to his arm. They all exchanged concerned looks and Caitlin stood up from where she had been crouched next to him on the floor.

"You've been throwing up, Barry?" she asked him seriously.

Barry nodded reluctantly. He wished he wasn't sitting on the floor while they all stood there looking down at him. At that thought, he tried to get up, and Caitlin and Iris quickly rushed forward to help ease him into the chair.

"I've been trying to eat all that I can," he told them once he was sitting, "but it's been making me sick. Drinking the calorie shakes is alright, but I'm having trouble with solid food now."

"You have to tell us that, Barry!" Caitlin nearly shouted, "I've had it with all of this! You need to be honest with us! Why wouldn't you tell me that?"

"Because I knew it would only make you worry more," Barry answered quietly, "and I was afraid of what you would do. I wanted to see if it got better before I told you."

"That's just foolish, Bar," Joe said, "What is Caitlin going to do that would make you afraid to tell her?"

"I don't know," Barry said to the floor, "Hide my suit again? Make me go through another set of invasive diagnostic tests? I don't need all of that."

"I'll be the judge of that, Barry," Caitlin said, "Have you been feeling dizzy or anything else lately?"

"No," Barry lied. The truth was that his dizzy spells had returned yesterday, but he had been keeping them at bay by drinking Cisco's calorie shakes whenever possible.

"Well, that's something," Caitlin said, relieved.

Barry was amazed that she had finally believed him. Although, she had been a bit distracted as she was scribbling down notes in his medical chart. Barry craned his head to see what she was writing, but he couldn't make it out. He didn't understand why, but it suddenly really bothered him that she had such a large medical file on him and he had never even seen what was in it. He resigned that the next chance he got, he would try to take a look at what exactly Caitlin had about him in his chart.


	7. Nauseated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have quite a bit of medical jargon in this chapter, so I put a few translations/definitions in parenthesis throughout the text in case anyone doesn't know what something is. 
> 
> Also, I have a moment with Patty in this chapter just because this fic is set somewhere between the Enter Zoom episode and the Christmas episode, I have Barry and Patty dating at this point, but this isn't really a romance fic, and Patty will probably not be sticking around in this story after this chapter.

"Well, at a first glance it looks as if the victim died from a puncture wound to the abdomen," Barry told Joe, as he looked over the woman's body, "but this wound is at least a couple days old. It shows signs of healing that wouldn't be evident if the victim had died immediately."

"So what killed her then?" Joe asked. Here he had thought that this was finally a case where the cause of death would be obvious to identify, but Barry, who had been here all of five minutes, had determined it to be something else.

"I won't know that until I run a few tests and we get an autopsy. I can't tell for sure now, but this wound doesn't look deep enough to be the primary cause. The victim shows signs of systemic hypoxia. You can see it from the discoloration of her fingertips. It looks like there was some kind of toxin used to kill her."

"Can you identify it, Allen?" the captain's voice came from the doorway of the victim's kitchen.

"Sure," Barry answered, turning to face Singh, "but it could take a few days. I've eliminated a dozen or so possible toxins based on the appearance of the body, but there are still plenty of others to test for to figure out the exact agent that was used."

"Well, don't just stand there. Get to it then," Singh barked before leaving.

Joe laughed once he was gone. Even when Barry did everything right, the captain always found a way to reproach him. Joe turned to look at Barry to see his reaction, but the smile left his face when his eyes fell on Barry.

Barry had been fine a second ago, but now he looked green again, similar to the way he had looked when he had returned from the coroner's office.

"Bar, are you alright?" Joe asked alarmingly. Barry was taking deep slow breaths, and he looked like he was going to be sick.

"Yeah," Barry breathed, "Just a bit woozy all of a sudden. I think I should get out of here, Joe. The smell."

Barry promptly exited the victim's house, followed by a concerned Joe. He had just made it outside when he felt the bile rise in his throat, and he expelled the contents of his stomach into the bushes. Joe stood next to him sympathetically.

"You alright there, Allen?" The captain, who had paused outside the house to talk to Officer Couture, turned to Barry with concern.

"Yeah," Barry choked, "Just a stomach bug, sir."

"Well go home then! I don't need you getting all my officers sick!"

Barry nodded weakly and took his bag from Joe who had grabbed it for him. Joe placed a hand on his shoulder to stop him from leaving though.

"What's going on, Bar?" he asked quietly.

"Nothing," Barry told him shortly, "It was just the smell in there. That body is a few days old. I feel fine now."

"Caitlin told me you were still having trouble keeping your glucose levels balanced. Is that what this is about?"

"When did Caitlin tell you _that_?" Barry asked, knowing that Joe hadn't been at STAR labs since his treadmill incident a few days ago.

"She gave me a call, let me know what was going on with you."

"So you two are talking about me now?" Barry asked accusingly, feeling anger rise in his chest.

"Of course, Bar. We _care_ about you. She's just keeping me up to date with everything that's happening."

"She has no right to do that," Barry insisted, "It's a violation of privacy."

"Barry, she's just looking out for you. I think you'd do better to trust her more. Caitlin has always had your best interest at heart, and she's always taken good care of you. In fact, I think you should go pay a visit right now. Have her check you over."

"Oh, I'll pay her a visit alright," Barry muttered.

"Barry," Joe growled warningly, "Don't you go starting trouble. You go to STAR labs right now and have Caitlin take a look at you. If you're feeling sick, maybe she can help you."

Barry thought for a moment.

"Fine," he said begrudgingly, "but I'm stopping by my lab to finish up some work first."

Joe was somewhat satisfied. He would have liked Barry to go straight there, but at least Barry was going. Joe felt an unexplainable sense of apprehension about the tone in Barry's voice though.

…..

 _I'm fine,_ Barry thought to himself as he entered his lab and was hit by another dizzy spell.

_If I can just eat something and get my blood sugar back up, I'll be fine._

He leaned heavily on the edge of his desk. He had some of Cisco's calorie bars in his locker, but it was across the room, and Barry wasn't confident that his shaky legs would get him there without falling. His vision was starting to go blurry, and he had broken out in a cold sweat. His hands felt clammy, and he felt like he was going to throw up again.

Barry took a tentative step forward, testing his unstable gait. The blurring of his vision worsened, and he felt like he was being pulled backwards through a tunnel. He stumbled forward, his hands clumsily knocking several test tubes off of his desk as he tried to cling to it to stop his decent. It was to no avail, however, and he soon felt the side of his head impact with a hard surface that could only have been the floor.

…..

At first Patty thought that Barry must've stepped out of his lab for a while when she saw that he wasn't sitting at his desk or bustling around the room running his routine tests. When she looked down and saw his outstretched hand glancing out from behind his desk, Patty felt her insides go cold with dread. She swiftly shook off her moment of shock and frantically rushed over to her unconscious boyfriend.

"Barry!" she cried, shaking him to try to rouse him. He made a small noise but didn't open his eyes. She saw that one of his hands and forearms were bleeding from landing in the glass of his fallen test tubes.

"Barry, wake up!" She pulled his arm away from the hazardous glass and shook him again, wondering if she should call for help or get Joe. With relief, Patty saw Barry finally open his eyes. His expression showed only confusion at first, but then his eyes grew wide.

"Patty," he said, shocked to find himself on the floor. "I'm okay," he quickly assured her as he sat up on the floor to lean his back against his desk, "I must've tripped or something."

"You tripped?" Patty asked skeptically, "I heard you were sick at a crime scene earlier today. Are you sure you're feeling okay?"

"Oh, yeah," Barry said hurriedly, "I think I just came down with a bad bug. Feels like a 24 hour thing. I should be fine."

"You're bleeding," Patty told him, gesturing towards his arm. Small bits of glass could be seen glinting inside of the cuts, which were still steadily bleeding.

"Oh," Barry simply said, looking down at his wrist.

"Here," Patty said, grabbing a clean towel off of a nearby table and pressing it on the wound. After a moment she was able to help Barry onto his feet and into the chair behind his desk. There, she had him hold his arm under the large magnifying glass that he kept there so she could see it better as she picked the small shards of glass out with a tweezers.

"I don't know, Barry. This looks like it might need stitches," she said as she pulled the last sliver of glass from his arm. The wound was still bleeding, but not as profusely.

"I'm sure it's fine," Barry said, covering it with the towel again, "I'll probably just have Caitlin take a look at it later," he lied.

He would never go to Caitlin with this when he knew it would only land him in trouble. It would heal on its own anyways. He just had to be sure that he wore a bandage around his wrist so that Patty wouldn't notice.

"Hey, Patty?" Barry said as she stooped to clean up the glass.

"Yeah?"

"Can you please…not tell Joe about this?" Barry asked tentatively, "I just don't want him to make a bigger deal out of it than it is."

"Oh, umm, sure I guess," Patty agreed, confused. She gave him a small, worried smile. "Are you sure you're alright? You look a bit pale. Is there anything I can get you?"

"Actually, I could use something to eat," Barry said sheepishly, "Could you just grab my bag from my locker for me?"

He would have done it himself, but he was still feeling shaky and he didn't trust himself to stand just yet. The last thing he needed was to pass out again, right in front of her this time. She quickly approached his locker and pulled out his duffel bag and brought it to him. Patty watched him as he rummaged inside the bag and after a moment, he pulled out what looked like a granola bar.

"Are you sure you tripped, Barry?" she asked him disbelievingly after he had taken a couple bites.

"Yeah," Barry lied, "why?"

"It's just, you don't look very well, and you haven't really seemed like yourself lately. And now that you said you were sick…I'm just worried about you."

Barry rubbed his eyes with his hands. He was getting very tired of hearing those words from everyone in his life right now.

"It's just a mild case of the flu, Patty," Barry placated, "It's hardly something to be concerned about."

He knew she could see right through him, but he hoped she would let it go regardless. No such luck.

"Barry, I know you passed out," Patty said, tired of the charade. He looked at the floor, not sure what to say.

Patty continued, "What I _want_ to know is _why_. Is it serious?"

"No," Barry said immediately, looking up at her, and then, seeing the skeptical look on Patty's face, he added, "I just get low blood sugar sometimes. It's a side effect from the lightning strike. I pass out if I don't eat enough. It's kind of embarrassing, so I don't like to tell people about it if I can help it."

"That's not something to be embarrassed about, Barry," Patty said sincerely, "I wish you would've just told me."

"I'm sorry," Barry said, "I don't want to lie to you, Patty."

And he meant it. He was tired of lying to everyone in his life, everyone that mattered. He wanted to tell her the truth, tell her everything, tell her that he was the Flash, but he was afraid. What if she hated him for it? She _had_ been pretty quick to join Joe's anti-metahuman task force, and although she said she supported the Flash, Barry couldn't help but wonder if she would look at him differently if she knew who he really was.

"Then don't, Barry. From now on, no more secrets?"

He smiled sadly at her, "No more secrets."

His guilt felt like a brick in the pit of his stomach.

…..

After leaving work Barry rushed to STAR labs with one goal in mind. He whooshed into the cortex and continued to zip around between different parts of the lab as he searched different shelves and drawers. Cisco and Caitlin were startled by his entry and confused as they tried to follow his blur of movement as he moved about the lab. Both were curious to know what he was looking so intently for.

"Umm, Barry?" Caitlin asked. Barry didn't respond. He simply continued to search the lab, pausing every now and then to read certain files and paperwork.

"Dude, _what_ are you looking for?" Cisco asked impatiently.

"This," Barry answered once he found his objective. Caitlin felt the blood drain from her face when she saw what he was holding.

"Barry, wait," she pleaded, but he ignored her as he looked down to read his medical file. It was more of a book than a file, and he was flipping through it rapidly, speedreading each page as he went. Most of it involved genetic sequencing and analysis of cellular processes, but Barry slowed to read more intently when he came across the "Medical Diagnoses" section of the chart:

_Impaired Cognitive Function related to Chronic Sleep Deprivation secondary to Overtraining Syndrome and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as evidenced by forgetfulness, anxiety, delusional statements, secretiveness, and confusion._

_ Anemia _ _related to Hyperthyroidism secondary to Hypermetabolism as evidenced by_ _ syncope _ _, fatigue, irritability, and mood disturbances_ **_(Anemia: Decreased Red Blood Cells, Syncope: Fainting)_ **

_Anemia related to Iron Deficiency secondary to impaired appetite as evidenced by significant rapid weight loss, decreased calorie intake, nausea, and recurring acute hypoglycemic episodes_

_Unspecified Acute Early Stage Psychosis suspected related to possible post-concussive syndrome and post-traumatic stress disorder as evidenced by difficulty concentrating, depressed mood, sleep changes, anxiety, suspiciousness/paranoia, and social withdrawal_

Barry could feel his blood boiling with anger and it intensified with every word he read. His eyes paused on the word "psychosis" for a moment before he shouted, "You think I'm psychotic?!"

"Barry, no," Caitlin pleaded.

"Caitlin, it says right here ' _early stage psychosis suspected_.' You think I'm crazy?!"

"Barry, it's just a word. Of course I don't think you're crazy," she cried desperately.

"But you think I'm _acting_ crazy."

"I think you've been dealing with a lot of unaddressed anger and regret, Barry," Caitlin said honestly, "You're behavior has been…well, erratic lately. And it all goes back to Zoom, Barry. I think you've been keeping a lot of pent up feelings to yourself and that they're presenting themselves as physical symptoms."

"Last I checked, you're a bio geneticist, not a psychologist, Caitlin!"

"That may be true, but I don't have to be a psychologist to see that you haven't been yourself lately, Barry."

"This is ridiculous!" Barry exclaimed, continuing to flip through his medical chart. He paused again and read aloud, " _MD Note: Isolated abnormality in red blood cells, not related to anemia. Possibly contributing to decrease in oxygen saturation and distribution and aggravating factor for anemia-induced syncope. Have not yet identified potential causative toxin."_

He finished reading, giving her a questioning look, "What do you mean by 'causative toxin'? You think I'm being poisoned?"

"I don't know what it is, Barry," Caitlin answered earnestly, "There's something in your system that seems to be latching onto your red blood cells. It's not like anything I've ever seen before. It could be a poison, or it could be something your own body is producing. I'm still trying to figure it out."

"And after all of the grief you've given me for not being honest with you, you didn't think that this was something you should tell me about?" Barry asked her angrily, raising his voice.

"This is different," Caitlin tried to explain, "I didn't know for sure what it was. I was going to tell you about it once I had some more definitive answers."

"It's _my_ body!" Barry spat, "I had every right to know about it as soon as _you_ did!"

"Hey man, let's calm down a bit here," Cisco said holding his hands up, but Barry ignored him. He continued to seethingly pace back and forth in the cortex, shooting both of them dirty looks.

"Okay, Barry, I understand why you're angry," Caitlin tried to disarm him, but Barry continued his pacing, and his voice grew darker.

"No, you really don't, Caitlin," he said dangerously, "You are withholding my own medical information from me, yet you tell Joe whatever he wants to know!"

"What are you talking about?" Caitlin asked, shocked.

"You've been keeping Joe updated on my medical status this entire time," he fumed.

"And what's wrong with that, Barry?" Cisco asked, "He's your family. He _should_ be kept in the loop."

"The problem," Barry answered angrily, "is that I'm a legal adult, and Joe isn't my guardian anymore. Ever heard of HIPAA regulations, _Doctor_ Snow?" he asked, glaring at Caitlin, "You can't disclose my personal medical information to another party without my verbal or written consent."

Caitlin looked as though she had been smacked in the face. She looked to Cisco for help, but he seemed just as dumbstruck as she was. She stood there in stunned silence, at a complete loss for words. Of course she had heard of the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act, but she had never thought twice before about discussing Barry's medical information with everyone else at STAR labs. It didn't seem to apply to their unique situation, but now that she thought about it, Barry _did_ have the legal and personal right to limit the disclosure of his own medical information.

"Barry, I…," she started but stopped at the look he was giving her.

He was looking at her with an expression of loathing that she had never thought his face was even capable of. This wasn't him. This wasn't the Barry she knew. Before she could articulate the words to finish her sentence Barry was gone, and the medical file he had been holding fell to the floor with a thud. Caitlin stared at it with a sickening sensation of guilt. She had never intended for Barry to read the file, and now that he had, she had an overwhelming feeling of remorse and unease.

 


	8. Diagnosed

Caitlin continued to work tirelessly to figure out what was wrong with Barry. She had managed to isolate the toxin that was wreaking havoc on his system, but she still had yet to identify it. Whatever it was, it was changing and mutating faster than she could analyze it. What worried her more was the fact that the toxin seemed to increase in concentration in each blood sample she took.

Barry's immune system was trying to attack it, but it was losing the fight, and the toxin was starting to damage his blood cells more and more. Barry's white blood cell count was off the charts now as his body futilely tried to rid itself of the intruder. It was strange though. Whatever it was, it wasn't chemical. It was almost biological. Caitlin couldn't figure out what it was exactly, and it was starting to drive her crazy as she grew more and more concerned.

Barry hadn't been in STAR labs for more than ten minutes at a time for over a week. He only ever went in when Caitlin called him saying she needed another blood sample. He would come, give her whatever samples she needed, and leave before she could protest or insist on giving him a physical. He told her that he was fine, and if anything changed he would let her know.

Joe and Iris hadn't been having much luck with Barry either. They were lucky to maybe get a glimpse of him on his way out the door or the occasional flash of light when he zipped into the house to get something he needed. Joe often heard him come home in the early hours of the morning, but he would always be gone the next morning by the time Joe woke up. He knew Barry couldn't possibly be getting enough sleep, but he didn't say anything. He didn't want to risk pushing Barry even further away than he already was.

They all knew he was hurting after his breakup with Patty. Now that Patty had left Central City for good, Joe couldn't help but wonder where Barry was spending all of his time. It made Joe question just how much of his time Barry really spent with Patty before she left and how much of it was really spent overtraining and pulling extra time as the Flash. It only made sense that now with Patty gone Barry would be even more focused on doubling his efforts against Zoom, who surprisingly had yet to make a reappearance.

Zoom had to know by now that Barry had survived after the fight that had left him temporarily paralyzed. They all thought it was strange that he hadn't returned to their Earth again for a second round. He had completely disappeared, and his silence was starting to make them all nervous, especially Barry.

The only time Joe really ever saw Barry was at work, and even then, Barry never seemed to leave his lab. He used to come downstairs and talk with Joe, whether it was about a certain case or just to chat. Now, if Joe wanted to see him, he had to go up to the lab, and when he did, Barry hardly looked at him and gave him only short, stiff responses as he continued to work on his forensic tests. Eventually, Joe stopped going to the lab entirely, deciding to give Barry the space that he seemed to want.

Barry had an edge to him now that Joe had never seen in him before. Joe had walked onto a scene a few days ago to find Barry practically shouting at one of the officers.

"I mean really! Is it that damn hard to just wear a pair of gloves?! Better yet, can you just not touch anything at my crime scenes?! I swear, every crime scene you go to is disturbed by the time I get there! Last time, eight of the ten fingerprints I took were yours!"

The officer, who was usually snide and condescending and who normally talked down to Barry, was dumbstruck and stuttering his apology to the young CSI. After Officer Dillashaw had scurried away, as fast as his legs would carry him from the angry scientist, Joe had tried to approach Barry, but Barry turned away from him, kneeling down to analyze the blood splatter patterns on the ground, still muttering something about "incompetent cops" and "no respect". Barry's hostility on that day had scared and worried Joe, to say the least. Not to mention the newfound fearful respect that several officers who had witnessed the exchange now had for Barry. Everyone was much more careful not to disturb crime scenes after that.

Joe voiced his concerns about Barry's behavior to Cisco and Caitlin, but they were just as floored as he was.

"I'd suggest a therapist," Caitlin had mentioned one day, "but I don't know if there's anyone we can trust or how that would work, with him being the Flash and all."

"Barry wouldn't go anyways," Joe said surely, "He hates therapists. Always has, since he was a kid. He had some pretty bad experiences with them. The court mandated that he see several therapists after his father got put away and I was given sole custody. All of them analyzed him thinking he was crazy because of the things he saw. I don't think Barry would willingly see a shrink again if his life depended on it."

…..

Barry stood over his printer, waiting impatiently for his many reports to finish printing. His printer had jammed twice now, and his patience was waning. He was tired of this. Tired of being so angry all the time. He knew it wasn't the printer that was the real source of his anger, nor were his friends and family. The person he was truly angry at was himself. He was frustrated with his failures and his weakness.

With Patty gone and him keeping his friends and family pushed away at a safe distance, Barry felt lonely and empty. He felt bad for pushing them away, but he felt that it was for the best. This was the way he was now. Angry. He figured it would be easier for them not to have to deal with that. He couldn't be their hero and their friend at the same time. He couldn't be Barry Allen for them, but he _could_ be the Flash. And it was this revelation that had him intensifying his efforts against Zoom. Because if he couldn't take down Zoom, if he couldn't at least protect the city, then what _could_ he do? What was he good for?

He had reverted back into his bad habit of pulling all-nighters as the Flash, and on this day he hadn't slept at all before going to work. He knew he was pushing himself too hard again and that he was being unreasonable, but he didn't care. He didn't care about himself anymore, only Zoom. Zoom consumed his every waking thought during the day, but nothing was worse than the nightmares Barry had about him at night.

At least they no longer involved him killing Patty. She was safely far away in Midway City. With Patty gone, Barry thought back to what Thawne had said in his video, that he would never be happy. Barry started to question again what it would take to finally make him happy. The only thing he could think of was stopping Zoom. It was as if, if he could just stop Zoom, then everything would magically be better. Everything would be put right and it all would be back to normal again. Between the malnutrition and the sleep deprivation, Barry felt like his mind was starting to unravel, and Zoom was always at the center of that insanity.

 _Not again_ , Barry thought as the room started tilting and he broke out in a cold sweat. His stomach churned, and he willed himself not to throw up or pass out. He took a few deep breaths and braced himself against his desk as he waited for it to pass. When it did, he looked up to see that his papers had finished printing. He tucked them neatly into a manila folder and left his lab, file in hand, as if nothing had happened.

He walked down the stairs slowly, file open as he skimmed through the case reports that Detective Holloway had asked him for. As he was looking over one of the reports, a single spot of red suddenly appeared on the page, the bright crimson looking violent against the white background. He reached up to his face and found his nose to be bleeding. See, this was why carrying a handkerchief was a good idea. He quickly wiped his face and looked back to his reports, crumpling up the soiled page and putting it into his pocket. He would just have to reprint that one later.

He was about halfway down the stairs when the dizziness returned full force. He paused briefly as he tried to regain his sense of equilibrium but then continued down the staircase, deciding to ignore it. The dizzy spells were starting to become the usual for him. They happened so often now that he hardly gave them a second thought. He was only about four steps from the bottom when the black spots appeared in front of his vision. He felt his a hand slide from the railing he hadn't even realized he had grabbed, and he suddenly felt himself falling as he knew no more.

…..

Iris hadn't been to the precinct in a while because she had been so busy with work. During her lunchbreak she decided to pay her dad a visit. He would never admit it, but Iris knew he was lonely at work now, what with his partner gone and Barry acting the way he was. When she walked into the CCPD, Joe's previously serious expression transformed into a grin.

"Hey, baby girl," he greeted, "What brings you here?"

"Thought I'd surprise you guys with some lunch," Iris said, holding up the takeout bags she had brought, "Where's Bar? I have some for him too. His favorite."

Joe's face took on its serious expression again at the mention of his foster-son.

"He's upstairs. Like always," he said bitterly.

"Oh, wait, there he is," Iris said, smiling as she pointed him out on the staircase.

She waved at him, but Barry clearly didn't see her. He was intently reading through the file he had in his hands. Iris's smile slid from her face when she saw him falter about halfway down the staircase. She saw him grip the railing as he continued his decent, unaware of her eyes following him. Barry was almost near the bottom when Iris saw him topple. To Iris, his limp form seemed to fall in slow motion the rest of the way down the stairs towards the unforgiving ground. He hit the floor with a sickening thud.

Joe and Iris were the first ones to reach Barry. They both knelt down next to his unconscious figure as a group of officers started to flock around them, curious to see what was going on.

"Barry," Joe said softly, gently tapping the sides of Barry's face to rouse him. Barry didn't stir or open his eyes. Joe was alarmed to see that his nose was bleeding. He felt cold and clammy, and his pulse was racing when Joe felt for it at his wrist.

"He's out cold," Joe informed Iris with alarm. Then in a whisper, he added, "Call STAR Labs. Tell them we're bringing him in."

Iris stood and pulled out her cellphone as Joe continued to try to wake Barry with their coworkers watching in concern. He rubbed Barry's sternum harshly with his knuckles, knowing it was a painful, yet effective, way to rouse an unconscious person. Barry finally stirred slightly but didn't open his eyes.

"What's going on here?" the captain's booming voice could be heard as he pushed his way through the crowd of officers and detectives that had congregated around them. When he had pushed his way through, his eyes rested on the unconscious CSI at the foot of the stairs with his nose bleeding and papers scattered all around him.

"Allen. What's wrong with him?" he asked Joe with concern.

"He passed out on the stairs, Captain," Joe informed him, "He should be fine though. He's just not feeling too well."

"Do you want me to call an ambulance for him?" Singh asked, looking at Barry worriedly. The kid did not look good at all.

"No," Joe said quickly, "No, that's okay. I think we'll just take him home if that's alright."

"Yeah sure," Captain Singh said absently, his eyes still on the young scientist, "Take whatever time you need."

"Thanks, Captain," Joe said before returning his attention back to Barry.

Barry's eyes had fluttered open, but they looked like they were having trouble focusing. Joe could vaguely hear the captain's voice behind him telling everyone that the show was over and they should get back to work and give them some space. Barry's expression revealed only fear and confusion as he tried to understand where he was and what had happened.

"Shh, Bar, it's alright," Joe said in a hushed voice, "You passed out on the stairs here at work. Iris and I are going to bring you in to STAR Labs to get you some help."

Barry simply stared at him as he processed his words.

"I told them we were coming," Iris said, tucking her phone away, "They said they'd be ready for us."

"Barry," Joe said lightly, "Are you ready to stand up? Iris and I are going to help you walk to the car."

When Barry didn't protest, Joe slowly helped him to his feet. Barry was still very out of it, and his gait was unsteady as they walked towards the parking lot, Joe and Iris on either side of him. When they got Barry into the back seat of Joe's squad car, Iris climbed in next to him, resting her hand on the back of his as he leaned his head back on the head rest of his seat, closing his eyes.

Barry was still very disoriented when they got to STAR Labs, and he leaned heavily on Joe while they took the elevator up to the cortex. Caitlin and Cisco were ready for him, and they quickly led him to the medical bay where they had him lay on one of the beds. Caitlin had already primed an IV line while they were waiting for them to arrive, and she wasted no time inserting the IV into a vein in his hand once he was laying down. She set the IV pump to a fast but steady drip rate, anxious to get fluids into him as fast as possible.

She began hooking him up to the machines and winced when she saw his vitals displayed on the screen. His blood pressure was extremely low and his pulse was racing. She quickly injected a cholinergic medication into his IV but knew it would have little effect on him because of his metabolism. He was conscious but mostly out of it, and he kept his eyes closed for most of the time.

He looked terrible. He didn't speak or look at her as she checked him over, and he didn't react or protest when she shined her penlight into his eyes to check for a concussion from his fall. His pupils reacted equally but sluggishly, which worried her. His eyes looked glazy, and the whites of his eyes had a yellowish tint to them. Joe, Iris, and Cisco stood back out of her way as she did her assessment, watching as her expression became more and more concerned.

Once Caitlin was sure that Barry was stable, not quite to Caitlin's liking, but enough, Caitlin took a blood sample from him. She asked the others to stay with him and let her know if anything changed while she left to analyze the sample, fearing the worst.

….

An hour later Iris was sitting next to Barry's bedside, holding his hand again. He had fallen asleep, but his face looked far from peaceful. His brow was furrowed, and his mouth was set into a frown. He looked better now that they had wiped the blood from his face, but Iris could still see dark circles under his eyes, and his lips were pale. She thought he looked older. Barry's usually youthful looking face now looked worn. He looked like he could pass for his actual age now.

Barry suddenly stirred and reopened his eyes. He took in his surroundings for a few moments before speaking.

"What happened?" he asked, his voice rough.

"You collapsed at work, Bar," Joe told him, placing a hand on his shoulder. Barry looked at Joe, his expression unreadable. He looked at the IV in his arm.

"What are you giving me?" he asked, gesturing towards the IV bag.

"It's just saline fluids, Barry," Caitlin said, entering the room holding a clipboard, "How are you feeling?"

"Okay, just a bit tired," Barry answered, his exhaustion audible in his voice.

"What did you find out, Caitlin?" Iris asked nervously, looking at the clipboard in Caitlin's hands. Caitlin's expression darkened at the question.

"Well I did some liver function labs on the sample, and his ALT and AST levels are elevated."

"What does that mean?" Joe asked immediately, his eyes wide.

"It means he has some liver damage. Judging by his symptoms and the jaundice in the whites of his eyes, I'd say it's pretty extensive," she said softly. She looked at Barry when she said the next part, "Barry, your organs are failing."

Barry's unreadable expression didn't change. His face remained blank when he asked, "How are my BUN and creatinine levels?"

Caitlin, not wanting to look Barry in the eye, looked down at her clipboard. She waited a moment before answering, "Not good."

"And what does that mean?" Iris asked now, tears in her eyes.

"It means his kidneys are failing too," Caitlin answered seriously. There was a moment of silence in which no one in the room said a word. They all looked away from Barry, not knowing what to say. Barry was the first to break the silence.

"Okay, so how do we treat it?" he asked emotionlessly, "Do we start with dialysis right away or…"

"First I'll do some more tests to see how bad it really is. I'd like to take some scans to get a good look at how much damage has been done."

"Shouldn't we identify the cause?" Joe asked, looking at Caitlin, "This can't just be from stress or working too hard. Something more has got to be causing it."

Joe and Iris saw Caitlin, Cisco and Barry exchange a dark look.

"What?" Iris demanded, "What are we missing?"

"It's the toxin," Barry said quietly, "The abnormality."

"What toxin?" Joe asked, "What abnormality?"

Caitlin gave Barry a questioning look, and after a terse nod from him she explained.

"A few weeks ago, I discovered an abnormality in one of Barry's blood samples. It just appeared out of nowhere. Whatever it is, it's acting as some sort of toxin in his system. It's attacking his red blood cells and now, I suspect, his organs. It keeps mutating, becoming more dangerous. I haven't figured out a way to treat it yet."

"And why weren't we told about this?" Iris asked accusingly, glaring back and forth between Caitlin and Barry.

"I suppose that's because of me," Barry said to Iris, "I told her not to say anything, more or less."

He looked at Caitlin, knowing they were both thinking of the medical chart incident during which he told he had a right to withhold his medical information from anyone he wanted. He felt guilty about the entire thing now and embarrassed about the scene he had made.

"That's all not important now," Cisco said standing next to Caitlin at the foot of the bed, "Right now, we just need to figure out how we're going to treat it."

"Well, I had a thought," Caitlin said timidly. They all waited anxiously for her to go on. She cleared her throat before saying, "The way this thing is acting…the way it mutates and spreads…and the way your body is responding to it…your symptoms, it's almost like…"

"Like what?" Iris demanded. They were all staring holes through Caitlin, waiting for an answer.

Caitlin's voice was hardly more than a whisper when she said, "Like cancer."

Everyone's heads turned from Caitlin to look at Barry.


	9. Analyzed

"You think he has cancer?" Joe asked incredulously.

"I said I think that it's _like_ cancer," Caitlin clarified. Everyone kept looking back and forth between her and Barry, who was staring blankly as he considered her words.

"So what's _that_ supposed to mean?" Iris questioned. She was squeezing Barry's hand and had tears in her eyes.

"I mean," Caitlin tried to explain, "If you think about what cancer is, this is very similar. Cancer occurs when healthy, normal cells mutate and become unhealthy and then multiply uncontrollably, spreading throughout the body. Whatever this toxin is, it's not chemical; it's…cellular. It's organic. I don't know yet if it originated from a mutation of Barry's own healthy cells or from an exterior source. All I know now is that it's there, and it's mutating and spreading fast."

"But how does that make it cancer?" Cisco asked. Oncology wasn't exactly his area of expertise, "How does that make it different from any other disease?"

"Cancer is just a term, a very broad term, to describe a wide range of diseases that share similar qualities. Whatever is happening with Barry, it definitely shares those qualities. Really, to call it cancer is simply a way to understand—"

Caitlin cut off midsentence when she saw that Barry was still staring at nothing, deep in thought and not quite listening to the conversation.

"Barry?" she asked gently, "Are you okay?"

"What?" Barry jerked out of his stupor to look at her, "Oh, um, yeah, I'm…fine."

"We're going to figure out how to treat this, Barry," Caitlin assured him, "I promise."

"I know," Barry said, giving her a small smile, "I trust you."

Caitlin's heart swelled as he said those words. As his doctor, nothing was better for her to hear than for him to say that he trusted her completely, especially when lately there had been a distinct lack of trust between them that had been growing for weeks. Barry hadn't trusted her since reading the medical file she had on him, and she hadn't trusted him since she discovered he wasn't being entirely honest about his symptoms and wasn't following her medical advice. She knew now going into this that trust between them would be fundamental to his treatment and recovery. It was a moment before she realized that Joe was talking to her again.

"What?" she asked.

"I asked you what the next step is. How do we start to treat it?" Joe asked, placing a comforting hand on Barry's shoulder while looking anxiously to Caitlin.

"I won't know that for sure until I do some more testing. Before it was just in his bloodstream, but now that it's affecting his organs, I'm afraid it might have spread to other areas."

"So it's like leukemia?" Iris asked, "It started in the blood?"

"Not exactly," Caitlin said slowly, "Leukemia actually starts in the bone marrow, not really the blood. This isn't going to be at all comparable to any specific type of cancer we know of. It's an entire thing in itself, specific to Barry. With Barry's cells the way they are, this is a type of cancer only a speedster could have."

"So I have what? Meta-cancer?" Barry asked, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. Only Barry would make an attempt at humor in a situation such as this, even if it was only for their benefit.

"In a matter of speaking," Caitlin said somewhat seriously, "But we don't have to call it cancer if that makes you uncomfortable, Barry," she added quickly, "It's just a new way of looking at your illness. Thinking of it like it's a type of cancer might help me figure out how to treat it."

"What about Jay?" Iris asked suddenly, "If this is speedster related, maybe he'll know something about it."

"Jay and Wells are both still visiting Earth 2 trying to get more intel on Zoom," Cisco answered.

"Zoom," Barry said, his eyes going wide. They all stared at him. "What if Zoom did this?" he asked quietly, looking to Caitlin.

"You think Zoom made you sick?" she asked skeptically.

"Is it that far-fetched?" he said, sitting up a bit more in bed, "He made Jay sick after stealing his speed. What if he did the same to me?"

"Yes, but what Jay has is completely different. I would have noticed if you both had the same thing," she said confidently.

"You said what I have is something only a speedster can have. Jay doesn't have his speed anymore, so maybe it affects him differently."

"But Zoom didn't succeed at stealing your speed, Barry," Cisco pointed out, "So how could he have made you sick?"

"He did to me the same thing that he did to Jay. He stabbed me with his…his…claw or finger or whatever. That has to be it. It has to be," Barry insisted.

The more they all thought about it, the more possible it seemed. They had all assumed that Barry's health problems and strange behavior were coming from his unhealthy ways of dealing with the aftermath of his fight with Zoom, but what if it really was something that Zoom did to him during the fight?

Caitlin's face quickly changed from an expression of skepticism to one of shocked revelation.

"Oh my god," she whispered, "I have to start running some tests. Compare your samples against Jay's. It would be better if I had some fresh samples from him, but I'll have to work with what I've got."

She bustled off to test this newly formed theory.

…..

Barry didn't expect this to be how his day would end. It was nine o'clock at night, and Caitlin was still running her tests. If someone would have told him this morning that he would be sitting here now, willingly letting Caitlin give him a full body scan, he wouldn't have believed it. Apart from a few blood samples here and there, he hadn't been allowing her to do any kind of assessments on him lately, and now here he was, lying in an MRI machine while she took picture after picture of his internal organs.

"Okay, Barry," she said through the intercom, "You're doing great. We're just going to get a few brain scans next."

By the time they were done, Barry was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to just go home and rest. Caitlin didn't like the idea of it. She would have felt better if he had stayed overnight.

"Have you forgotten that up to this point I've been living out my life completely fine? I don't think I'm going to drop dead just yet," he said stubbornly.

"Not funny, Barry," Iris said seriously, placing a hand on his arm. He pulled back slightly, but she left it there.

"Hey, I've cooperated with you guys so far today while you ran all your tests, but on this I'm not budging. I'm not staying here. I'm going home tonight," he stated firmly.

"What do think Caitlin?" Joe asked, looking to the doctor, "Is he okay to go home for now?"

"I suppose I don't see any harm in it," Caitlin said hesitantly, "I don't love the idea, but I can't think of a good enough reason to keep him here if he's so decided against it."

"Great," Barry said tersely before pulling his shirt back on and grabbing his things. When he started for the door Joe stopped him.

"Hang on there, son," he said, grabbing Barry by the arm, "I hope you're not planning on running home because that is _not_ happening if I have anything to say about it. I'm giving you a ride."

"Joe," Barry started to protest.

"No, Barry," Caitlin said firmly, "Joe's right. Absolutely _no_ running until we know more about this. I'm going to go over the results from the data I collected today, and I'll tell you what I find and what our plan is when you come in after work tomorrow."

"I have to come back tomorrow?" Barry asked incredulously.

"Of course, Bar," Joe said, "This is serious! Of course you're coming back here tomorrow. When did you think you were?"

"I don't know," Barry said sulkily, "I just didn't want to have to come back so soon already."

"Barry," Caitlin said, "This illness is _aggressive_. I haven't analyzed your test results fully yet, but from what I can see so far, your scans look drastically different from how they looked weeks ago when I last took them. Your symptoms seem to have gotten worse. If your liver and kidneys are failing already, it tells me your illness has progressed significantly. It's imperative that we start treating this as soon as possible."

"Okay, okay," Barry said impatiently, "I'll come in tomorrow. Can I go now?"

Caitlin surveyed his face for a moment, seeing only frustration with a hint of exhaustion in his features. She nodded, and Barry spun around and walked out the door. Joe exchanged a serious look with Caitlin before quickly following after him.

"He's going to be difficult," Iris said to her, lingering as she slipped on her coat, "He's not going to be easy to treat."

"At least he's cooperating more now," Caitlin observed, "He's trying. That barrier is still there though. This illness, Iris," Caitlin said with a shaky breath, "It's affecting his thinking as well as his body. Please, try to keep an eye on him, and try not to push him too much. We need to be careful with how we go about this."

Iris nodded and patted Caitlin's arm, giving her a small, watery smile before leaving.

…..

The car ride home was silent. Iris still had a lump in her throat that had formed there when they had first heard Barry's diagnosis. She looked over at Barry who was sitting in the back seat next to her, but he was staring straight ahead, the same blank expression as before displayed on his face.

When they got home Barry still didn't say anything. Joe asked him if he wanted anything to eat, but he shook his head no. Joe wanted to insist, but he decided to give Barry a break on this one. He had been through a lot today, and he had just had a lot of heavy information dropped on him.

Without saying a word, Barry immediately climbed the stairs and went to bed. Normally Joe would have been glad to see Barry going to bed at a reasonable time, but right now he just found it alarming. Iris wanted so badly to knock on Barry's closed door and go in to talk to him, but she remembered what Caitlin had said about not pushing him too much and decided against it. Needless to say, no one in the West house slept very much that night.

…..

The next day after finishing the ballistics report he had been working on all morning, Barry turned to the gun residue test he had started earlier. His work was interrupted, however, when Iris walked tentatively into his lab.

"Hey, Iris," he greeted her with a smile. He cringed internally at how forced the cheerfulness in his voice sounded.

"Hi, Barry," Iris said heavily. Barry tried to ignore the sympathy that saturated her voice as he continued his work.

"Whatcha got there?" he asked after a moment, glancing up at the bag in her hand. He pretended not to notice the way she had been staring at him. Her eyes clearly showed how sorry for him she felt, and although Barry appreciated it, he really didn't want her pity. It only made him feel worse about everything.

"What?" Iris said, snapping out of her reverie, "Oh." She set the bag down on one of his lab benches, "I brought you lunch."

"You didn't have to do that," Barry said gratefully, "but thank you. It's a nice surprise."

She continued to stare at him, her expression still sympathetic. Barry knew she was analyzing his face, looking for signs of distress, so he tried not to let it show how much it irked him.

"Is something wrong?" he finally asked her when she continued to stare. Iris jumped slightly as if she had just realized what she was doing.

"Oh, um, no, sorry," she muttered, "Yeah, I was going to bring you lunch yesterday, but then…you know."

Barry didn't look her in the eye at the mention of the incident that had occurred on the stairs the day before.

"Anyways," Iris continued, "How is your day going?"

"Good," Barry said as he pipetted a couple of drops of sodium rhodizonate into one of his test tubes. Iris wasn't satisfied with his brief response.

"What I _mean_ ," she pressed, "is how are you fee—?"

"Iris," Barry said shortly, looking up at her to meet her gaze, "I appreciate what you're trying to do here. I really do. But I'm fine. You don't have to worry."

He really didn't want to talk about this right now. This was his place to escape from all of that, to just work and not think about it.

"Of course I'm going to worry, Barry. You just found out you have _cancer._ I just want to make sure you're okay. _Really_ okay."

"Iris, I feel fine," he persisted, giving her a smile, "Really, I am. Actually, I have quite a few cases to get through today, so if that's the only reason you stopped by…"

"Okay," Iris said frowning, "I'll just…leave you to your work then."

She made to leave.

"Hey, Iris." She turned back to face him, still frowning. "Thank you for the lunch."

"You're welcome," she replied sadly before turning and exiting through the doorway.

…..

Caitlin had never really been one to curse. She had always found it distasteful and unnecessary. But when she looked at Barry's MRI scans a small "fuck" may have slipped through her lips. She sighed as she picked up Barry's brain scans.

"Oh, Barry," she whispered, looking over the images. She found herself dreading the conversation she would have to have with Barry and the Wests later. This afternoon was going to be difficult.

…..

"He's acting as if nothing's wrong, dad!" Iris vented, leaning against her father's desk.

"Well, would you really expect anything less from Barry?" Joe countered, "He's in shock, Iris. He's not ready to accept that this is happening to him."

"But he _has_ to. He can't just ignore it! He has to face reality."

"Iris," Joe turned in his desk chair to face his distraught daughter, "He literally just found out about all of this _yesterday_. Give him some time to process. Why are you pushing this so much?"

"Because he _didn't_ just find out about this, not entirely. He knew. He knew for weeks now that he was not okay, and he didn't say anything. He didn't let us help him. He waited until he was passing out, hardly able to walk before he would let us help him, when he no longer had a choice."

"Are you angry with him?" Joe asked calmly.

"I—no—no, of course not," Iris sputtered.

"It's okay if you are, Iris. I get it. I'm a little upset with him myself."

"I suppose I might be a little bit, but more than that, I'm angry at myself," Iris explained, "for not being able to get through to him sooner. I'm supposed to be his best friend, the one he can talk to. I might be a bit angry with him for not communicating, but mostly I'm just worried about him."

"I know," Joe nodded, "We all are. But Iris," he said seriously, "You need to try not to press him so much. Now," he said, holding up his hand to stop her when she opened her mouth to argue, "I know you, Iris. I know you like to use tough love with Barry when he shuts everyone out like this, but I don't think that's going to work here. I think the best thing you can do for him is let him work it out on his own as much as he can and just be there for him without judgement when he's ready to open up."

"Yeah, I'm not so good at the whole 'stand by without judgement while my friend refuses to get help' thing," she told him. She sighed, "I'm just not convinced that more space is really what Barry needs right now."

"I know how you feel, baby girl, but as much as we may want to help, we need to be careful. Barry is different now. You can't reason with him. One minute he's Barry and the next…it's like he's a whole other person. It scares me too, but getting on Barry's case isn't going to fix it. It'll only make it worse."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," Iris agreed reluctantly.

It hurt her to admit it, to admit the fact that there was nothing more she could do for her friend. He was hurting, and he was sick, and all she could do was stand by and watch and just be there for him. It didn't feel like enough.

…..

As Joe walked silently into STAR Labs with Barry and Iris that afternoon, he couldn't help but get an overwhelming feeling of apprehension as they approached the med bay. His nervousness wasn't improved when he saw the look on the young doctor's face when they entered. Whatever she was about to tell them, whatever she had found, it wasn't good.

Upon entering the med bay, they all took a seat. Barry reluctantly sat on the edge of the medical bed, making a point not to sit too far back on it. He felt enough like a patient as it was, and he didn't like the idea of everyone sitting around his bedside while they discussed his treatment plan.

"What is it, Caitlin?" Joe finally asked once they were all seated, "What did you find?"

Caitlin shifted nervously where she stood, shuffling through the papers on her clipboard.

"Well, I was looking over all of the MRI scans I took yesterday," she began, glancing nervously at Barry before continuing. Like yesterday, his face portrayed no emotion.

"It doesn't look good," she told them, turning to hang the images up against the backlight on the wall for them all to see.

"See all of these white blotches here?" she said, pointing at one of the scans, "These are all tumors."

Iris gasped and held her hand up to her mouth. The image was littered with white spots, with tumors that were scattered throughout Barry's internal organs.

"Oh my God," Joe breathed, the color draining from his face as he looked at each of the scans.

"The cancer has spread to most of his vital organs, including…" Caitlin paused before putting the last image on the wall. When she did, they all stared at it for a moment before anyone spoke.

"My brain," Barry finished for her, staring at the little white spot that stood out on the brain scan she had just displayed. "I have a brain tumor?"

"Yes," she answered quietly, "It explains why you've been acting differently lately. The tumor is in your frontal lobe, an area of the brain that controls personality, mood, and reasoning, all things that seem to have been affected in your case."

Barry swallowed and let out a heavy sigh.

"Maybe you were right then. Maybe I _am_ going crazy."

"You're not crazy, Barry," Iris said immediately, "You're just not yourself."

"She's right," Caitlin said, "Psychosis was a misdiagnosis on my part, Barry. I thought maybe your cognitive changes were caused by stress or a post-side-effect from your concussion a few weeks ago, but now we know that isn't the case. I never meant to make you doubt your sanity. I'm so sorry, Barry," she choked.

And she was. She was sorry about a lot of things. Sorry that this was happening to him. Sorry that she hadn't caught it sooner. Sorry that she had allowed him to distance himself so much from her care. Maybe if their doctor-patient relationship had been better, they would have caught it sooner.

"This isn't your fault, Caitlin," Barry said as if he had read her mind, "I'm the one who's been so stubborn. I didn't even realize I was that bad. I refused to listen to you guys when you warned me not to push myself or train too hard. I thought you were all overreacting. I thought I knew better and that I could take care of myself," he swallowed hard, working up the courage to admit to them what he now knew he had to say.

"But I know now that I can't do this alone anymore. I need you, all of you," he said past the lump in his throat, looking at each of them in turn. Iris gave him a watery smile and took his hand, rubbing little circles into it with her thumb.

"You're not alone, Barry," Cisco said, giving him a pat on the shoulder, "We're all here for you and we're going to help you through this."

Barry gave him a small smile. He let out a heavy sigh and rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands.

"So," he finally said, looking at Caitlin, "How are we going to do this?"

"Well," Caitlin started, straightening up, resuming her business-like doctor demeanor, "The fact that the tumors weren't there just a few weeks ago tells me that this illness is much more aggressive than I thought. It's spreading _very_ rapidly, and it seems to have metastasized to your brain, liver, lungs, and kidneys mostly."

"Oh that's all?" Barry said, giving a small forced laugh. Iris nudged him, urging him to take the situation seriously, but a small smile passed briefly on her lips nonetheless.

"Normally I would consider doing surgery to remove the malignant tissue," Caitlin continued, "But that's not really an option in your case. Your metabolism may be slightly slower than before, but it's still an issue as far as anesthetics go. It's also why you're still losing weight so rapidly."

"How much has he lost exactly?" Joe asked, afraid to know the answer.

"Almost twenty pounds," Caitlin answered quietly.

"Twenty?!" Barry said incredulously.

"Eighteen point four to be exact," Caitlin responded, "Which is why I really need you to _try_ , Barry. I need you to try to eat more, and please, _please_ no running," she begged.

Barry let out a long sigh, and put his head in his hands.

"I didn't know," he said quietly, "I knew I had lost a bit of weight, but I didn't know it was that bad, that I had lost that much."

"Your appetite problems are only going to get worse once we begin treatment," Caitlin told him, "Which is why I need you try to gain as much weight as you can, starting immediately."

"So what _is_ the treatment?" Iris asked, "If we can't do surgery, then what are we going to do?"

"I was thinking we should begin with a medicinal treatment to start," Caitlin informed her, "It will be a drug administered intravenously, and it should hopefully attack the damaged cells to inhibit their growth and hopefully eradicate them completely before they do any more damage."

"Chemotherapy," Barry said.

"In a manner of speaking," Caitlin nodded.

"What drug will you be using?" he asked her quietly.

"It's not going to be a normal chemotherapeutic agent," Caitlin answered, "but something I synthesized myself. I call it CP22. It's an alkylating agent that is similar to chemo drugs, but I had to make it much more potent so that it would be able to withstand your hypermetabolism. I'm going to be honest with you though, Barry. It's going to be harsh. The side effects might be unpleasant. Chemo meds affect the entire body, not just the cancer, and this will be no different. It's designed to hopefully harm the damaged cells more than the healthy ones, but it _will_ affect you holistically."

"What about his organ failure?" Cisco asked her, "Isn't a drug like that just going to cause _more_ damage?"

"That's where this treatment might get a bit tricky," Caitlin admitted, "Normally I would do dialysis for his kidney failure, but I can't do that if he's receiving chemotherapy. It would just filter the CP22 right out of his system. I might end up having to stop the treatment though if his kidneys get too bad. It's going to be a bit of a balancing act with a lot of trial and error. I won't know yet until we start."

"Okay," Barry said, his voice and face portraying determination, "When do we start?"

"As soon as possible," Caitlin said immediately, "I'm going to do a few more tweaks to the serum tonight to perfect it, but I should hopefully have it ready to go by tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" Barry said, surprised by how quickly this all was happening. The effect was dizzying.

"Yes," Caitlin said. "I know it's not a lot of notice for your work, but I'm sure your boss will be able to work something out if you just explain the situation to him."

"I'll talk to him," Joe said immediately, "Singh will understand."

"Whoa, whoa, hang on!" Barry said loudly, looking between the two of them, "What are you two talking about? I'm still going to work."

"Bar," Joe said.

"No, Joe," Barry said, standing up, "I'm going to keep working. As long as I'm still able, I'm going to keep going to work."

"Barry, I can't let you—" Caitlin started to say.

"No," Barry said firmly, "It's not even open for discussion. I'm going to work. You're _not_ taking this from me too. You've taken everything else from me, but you're not taking this."

"Nobody wants to _take_ anything from you, Barry," Iris said, standing up and stepping closer to him, "We just want what's best for you. We're not trying—"

"No!" Barry shouted, taking a step back from her and everyone else. They all exchanged a look, thinking the same thing. Barry had an uneasy look in his eye, and he was growing dangerously close to becoming unreasonable.

"Okay, Barry," Caitlin said gently, trying to calm him down before his unease escalated into hysteria, "You can keep going to work. We can try to make it work."

Barry looked at her for a moment, measuring her up, trying to detect deceit in her words, but found none. He did notice, however, that they were all looking at him like he was crazy. He tried to calm himself down, and he let out a sigh before saying, "Thank you, Caitlin. You don't know how much it means to me."

"I said we can _try_ , Barry," she said pointedly, "But if your symptoms are too bad, if the treatment is too harsh, we'll have no choice but to pull you out of work until you're better."

"Okay," he agreed, "That's fair enough."

Iris led him back to sit on the bed again, sitting next to him and taking his hand.

"Okay," Caitlin said, glad that things had calmed back down again, "We'll start treatment tomorrow then."


	10. Treated

The chemotherapy treatment wasn't as bad as Barry thought it would be. He knew that the actual administration of the CP22 was the easy part and that the hard part came later, but for some reason he had pictured it being much worse. The entire day at work leading up to it and anticipating it was worse than the actual thing. Once he was there, all he really had to do was sit there and try to ignore the toxic chemicals that were being pumped into his veins via the IV in his arm. No big, right?

Cisco had gotten a plethora of science magazines for him to read through, but Barry was too jittery to focus on the articles he perused, and he instead found himself staring at the pages, trying to let his mind go blank. He made a mental note to bring his laptop with him next time. Maybe doing some CSI work would help occupy his mind better.

Caitlin had insisted strongly that he spend the night at STAR labs where she could monitor him after the treatment, but Barry wouldn't hear of it. Every time someone brought it up, his eyes would grow dark and his nostrils flared. For someone who was usually very amiable and friendly, Barry could be scary when he wanted to be, and this was one of those few occasions. It was one of those rare moments when Barry seemed to be another person entirely and no one could get through to him.

The only course of action they could have taken would have been to restrain him, and since none of them thought that holding him there against his will would make the situation any better, they reluctantly agreed that it would be better to just let him go home for the night. Caitlin agreed only on the condition that he would return to STAR labs first thing in the morning for a checkup.

Although they would have felt better if he had stayed under Caitlin's care for the night, Iris and Joe were somewhat relieved to take Barry home after he had completed his IV treatment. He had taken it like a champ, and they were all glad to see that he didn't seem very affected by the drug so far. When they finally got home, Barry was pleased to find that besides feeling a little tired, he didn't feel all that different. That was when the vomiting started.

They were all relaxing on the couch, Joe and Iris casting sidelong glances at Barry every now and then, looking for signs of illness, but he was sitting contently on the couch next to them catching up on some work on his laptop. He seemed completely fine, as if the chemo was having no effect on him. For a little while, they thought that maybe everything would be okay.

And then Barry suddenly gagged slightly. It was quiet and subtle, but they both noticed it right away. At the sound, Joe and Iris both snapped their heads up to look at him in immediate concern.

"Barry?" Iris asked, "Are you okay?"

Barry had his hand clasped over his mouth and his eyes squeezed shut tightly. He nodded slowly without looking at her.

"I'm fine," he breathed through his fingers, taking a deep breath. He opened his eyes again and went back to looking at his computer, acting as if nothing had happened. Joe and Iris both exchanged worried looks. They both watched him nervously. Barry was sweating now, and his skin was extremely pale. It was obvious that Barry wasn't feeling well, but he was ignoring it.

After a moment or two, Barry gagged again, louder this time. Joe and Iris both stood up in concern, both taking a tentative step towards Barry, who had his eyes shut and his hand clasped over his mouth again. His skin had taken on a grayish tint now.

"Barry…"

"I'm fine," he muttered through his fingers again. But this time he didn't go back to working on his computer.

Barry set his laptop off to the side and leaned forward, bracing his elbows on his knees and keeping his eyes shut as he took deep, calming breaths. It didn't help. A moment later his stomach lurched again, and his whole body seemed to convulse along with his stomach as he gagged a couple more times. Barry suddenly had a bowl pressed into his hands for him to throw up in and a soothing hand gently rubbing small circles into his back. He hadn't even noticed Joe or Iris move.

"Bar, you should lie down," Joe said in a worried voice, seeing how shaky and sweaty Barry had suddenly become, "The chemo is starting to set in now."

"I'm fine, Joe," Barry muttered, covering his eyes and wiping the sweat from his face. He gagged again, and this time he felt the bile finally rise in his throat and the contents of his stomach emptied into the large bowl that Joe had given him. Iris's gentle hand continued to rub soothing circles on his back as Barry caught his breath.

"Come on, Bar," Joe said sadly, gently taking his arm to help him stand up. Barry didn't pull away. He just allowed Joe to hold onto his arm, using his other hand to hold the bowl in front of him. He hunched over as he walked with Joe leading him and pulling him along.

"I'm fine," Barry whispered to himself as they walked toward the stairs, "I'm fine. I'm fine."

Joe propped a few pillows behind Barry's head once he had gotten into bed. It killed him to see him this way. He seemed so sick already, and it had only been a couple hours since he had gotten the first chemo treatment. This was only the beginning, and Joe felt a shudder run through him as he thought about the many days ahead of them. He just hoped this treatment worked quickly and that Barry wouldn't have to endure this misery for too long before he got better.

It was a lucky thing that they had decided to do Barry's treatment on a Friday because there was no possible way he would have been able to go to work the next day. He spent the better part of the night throwing up and the rest of it in an uneasy sleep, constantly tossing and turning and waking up in a cold sweat.

Iris and Joe took turns sitting up with him throughout the night, and several times they were tempted to call Caitlin. Barry had begged them not to. Nausea and night sweats were normal reactions to chemo treatment, and it wasn't worth bothering Caitlin in the middle of the night about it. Against their better judgement, they had reluctantly agreed to hold off until the morning.

Iris sat next to Barry's bed, running her fingers through his hair. She had finally managed to ease him back to sleep when she heard her father's voice in the hallway outside Barry's bedroom.

"Yeah, we just got him back to sleep," she heard him say into the phone, "He was up most of the night. He was feeling pretty sick."

Iris looked at the alarm clock next to Barry's bed. Almost six. It had been a long, long night.

"I don't think we should try to bring him into the lab," Joe said, "I don't know if he'd even be able to get out of bed right now."

After a brief pause, Iris heard her father say, "Okay, I'll see you soon then. Thank you, Caitlin," before hanging up the phone.

Joe quietly entered the silent bedroom and, seeing that Barry was asleep, whispered to Iris, "Caitlin's on her way here to look at him."

"Good," Iris said, still running her fingers through Barry's hair. It broke her heart to see him like this.

When Caitlin arrived, Barry was still asleep. She went through her entire examination without waking him up. Barry appeared dead to the world. Joe and Iris were alarmed at first, both of their minds instantly reverting back to Barry's time in a coma, but Caitlin reassured them that it was only from the exhaustion and not anything more serious.

Barry didn't wake up until the early afternoon, and when he did, he didn't have the energy to get out of bed right away, but instead laid there staring at the ceiling. Iris asked him if he wanted to watch TV or read a book, but he said no. He wouldn't admit it to her, but his headache was too bad to do anything besides lay there. He was so tired, and he wanted to sleep, but at the same time he was already sick of sleeping.

The first couple days after his initial treatment were the worst for Barry. He spent most of his weekend in bed sleeping through it, alternating between his bedroom and the bathroom when he got sick. Even though Caitlin had ordered him to try to eat more, Barry was hardly able to keep anything down, and Caitlin, who made frequent home visits to the West house over the course of the weekend, set up an IV at home for him so she could give him fluids and additional nutrients.

By Sunday night, Barry was starting to feel a little bit better, although he still felt very weak and nauseated. Joe really didn't want him to go to work the following day, but every time he brought it up, Barry would work himself up to the point where he felt sick again. Not wanting Barry to make himself any sicker when he was just finally starting to feel better, Joe let it drop. Hopefully Barry would change his mind in the morning when the time came.

On Monday morning, however, Joe was disappointed when he walked into the kitchen to see Barry fully dressed and ready for work.

"Barry," he said sadly, "This isn't a good idea. Just take one more day for yourself. You're still adjusting to the chemo. You shouldn't be going in today."

"Enough," Barry said forcefully, "I'm done discussing it. We've already had this conversation. I'm doing this, Joe."

"Bar," Joe said, but Barry looked away from him and went back to mixing his calorie shake, putting an end to the conversation.

Joe couldn't believe the absurdity of it all when he thought about the situation. Barry had _cancer_. He had just gotten his first chemotherapy treatment only two days ago. And here Barry was, getting ready to go to work, acting like it was any other normal Monday morning, like there was nothing wrong with him. But it wasn't true. Barry was sick, _very_ sick. He just didn't want to accept that reality and the limitations that came with it.

When they got to work, Joe was at least pleased to see that Barry had finished his calorie shake and kept it down. Barry immediately went up the stairs to escape to the solitude of his lab, and Joe decided he would give him his space and check on him later. He prayed silently that they wouldn't get called out to a crime scene today.

Around lunch time Joe decided to pay a quick visit to the captain. He tapped briefly on the open door as he entered his office.

"Hey, Cap. Got a minute?" he asked.

"Sure, Joe," Singh responded, looking at Joe curiously when he closed the door tightly behind him, "What do you need?"

"It's about Barry."

…..

Although Barry had been determined to keep his normal work schedule, he found it difficult to get through an entire day of work. Throughout the whole week, he hadn't managed to get through a single full day without getting sick or simply being too tired to do his job. He was surprised he hadn't heard an earful about it from Singh yet.

Joe often walked into the lab to find Barry asleep at his desk. When this happened Joe would gently wake him and guide him out to his car so he could drive Barry home. Barry wouldn't even argue. He would just stand up from his desk and tiredly allow Joe to walk him to his car. The fact that Barry never protested when this happened showed just how tired the man really was.

Barry's nights weren't much better than his days. His nausea seemed to be worse at night, and Iris, whose bedroom was closest to the bathroom, often woke during the night when Barry was ill. Her heart sank every time she heard the choking noises coming from the bathroom. When she went in the bathroom, she would find a red-eyed and exhausted Barry sitting on the bathroom floor. At first when she tried to go in the bathroom to comfort him, Barry protested, saying that he didn't want her to see any of this. By the end of the first week, however, it became the routine.

Iris would wake up, go down to the kitchen, fill a glass of water for him, and gently knock on the bathroom door before entering. Some nights he would simply throw up, sip gratefully on the glass of water she gave him, and return to bed. Other nights he would lay on the bathroom floor for hours, periodically emptying the contents of his already empty stomach. She would sit with him as long as he needed, rubbing his back and dabbing at his face with a cool washcloth. He didn't want to admit it, but having her there, offering him words of comfort, helped him to get through those bad nights.

On Thursday night, Iris woke immediately as soon as she heard the bathroom door close. She looked at the clock. Three forty AM. Without pause, she climbed out of bed and pulled on her robe before making her way down to the kitchen to fill a glass of water for Barry. When she raised her hand to knock on the bathroom door, however, she paused, listening to the sounds coming from the other side of it.

It wasn't the normal sounds of illness that she had heard the nights before. In between the choking and gagging, Iris could make out the sounds of quiet sobs. She tentatively opened the door to peek inside.

Like always, Barry was kneeling on the floor, hunched over the bowl, but now he had his hand on his forehead, covering his eyes, and his entire body was shaking with sobs.

"Barry?" Iris asked.

"Ir-Iris?" he said, looking up at her and quickly wiping his eyes. "I'm… I'm sorry to wake you again."

"That's okay, Bar," she said, kneeling down to sit next to him. His eyes were red and bloodshot like they usually were from vomiting, but this time they were also wet, and tear stains were etched in long lines across his cheeks. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Barry shook his head, a sob threatening to escape him. He took in a shaky breath.

"It's nothing. It's stupid."

"No, Barry, it's not. You can talk to me about anything," she said, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"It's just," he started, his breath hitching in his throat as he tried to get the words out, "Tomorrow…tomorrow's Friday."

"Oh," Iris said, understanding. He would be going in for his second treatment the next day. They had decided to do it once a week at first, to see how well he tolerated it and the effect it had on him.

"I know it's silly for me to be so worked up over it," Barry choked, tears now running freeing down his face, "but I only just started feeling like myself again, and now I have to go back and repeat the whole process all over again, and it's only the first week and I'm already exhausted." Barry's voice was rising with each word and he was taking shallow breaths between sobs, "I can't do this, Iris. I can't."

"Breathe, Barry," Iris said sympathetically, tears now filling her eyes, "It's okay, just breathe."

She had wanted nothing more than for Barry to open up to her about how he was really feeling, and now that he was, Iris was terrified to see it. His composed façade had cracked, and now all of his fears and his pain were pouring out of him for her to witness.

"I'm scared, Iris," he said, looking at her with watery eyes, "I'm so fucking scared."

Iris pulled him closer to her and wrapped her arms around him, a sob escaping her own throat as she felt the tears in her eyes brim over and run freely down her cheeks. Barry returned the gesture, wrapping his arms around her like a vice. He couldn't remember the last time he ever needed a hug this badly.

…..

The next morning Iris was busy cooking in the kitchen when Barry walked in. After seeing him the way he was last night, she had half-expected him to look disheveled or unkempt, but he was dressed neatly with his hair combed and work case in hand, ready for the day. He averted his eyes when he entered the kitchen and made for the refrigerator, ducking his head inside.

"I'm making omelets, Barry," she said, "You should have some before you leave."

"Thanks for the offer, but actually I'm just going to stick with this," Barry said, pulling a yogurt out of the fridge. He still didn't look at her as he began mixing the calorie powder into it.

"Are you sure?" she asked, "Because Caitlin said you should try to eat things with a little more bulk, and I thought a decent breakfast would help you get through—"

"Listen, Iris, about last night," Barry said turning to finally look at her.

"It's okay, Barry," she said quickly, "You don't have to be ashamed of anything. It's okay to be scared."

Barry grimaced. He couldn't stand the look she was giving him. She was looking at him like he was some sort of lost puppy, like he might fall apart again at any moment.

"I'm fine, okay?" he said flatly, "Last night I wasn't thinking straight. I was exhausted and sick. I was upset, and you caught me at a bad moment. That was…I don't even know what that was, but it doesn't matter. I'm fine."

"Barry, please don't do this," Iris pleaded, "Please don't shut me out again. You need to learn how to start relying on people."

"I _do_ rely on you, Iris," he said quietly, "More than you know."

Barry shifted uncomfortably and looked at his watch.

"I'm going to be late," he said, "I'll see you later at STAR Labs."

And with that, he exited the kitchen, leaving behind a very confused and worried Iris.

…..

If Barry thought the anticipation on last Friday was bad, it was nothing compared to this Friday. Not knowing what to expect had actually been somewhat better than knowing ahead of time how miserable he would be feeling later that evening. He was a tightly woven bundle of nerves the entire day at work. He spilled several chemical bottles and even dropped a few beakers because of his shaky hands.

Barry felt bad about pushing Iris away again, but it was easier than letting her in and talking about his feelings. The episode he had had in the middle of the night nagged at the back of his mind all day. He was embarrassed and regretful about letting Iris see that side of him, the side that was afraid. Now she would be watching him like a hawk, searching for cracks in the brave front he had put up for everyone to see.

 _She must think I'm such a baby_ , he thought every time his mind reverted back to the incident. He felt so stupid about the entire thing. Why had he done that? Why? Why couldn't he control his emotions better? It was like a switch had been flipped, and he didn't know how to turn it off.

 _Stupid brain tumor_ , he thought. That must have been it. There was no way he otherwise would have done that. No matter how miserable and frustrated he was feeling, he never would have cried like that in front of Iris before. He was supposed to be brave. He was a superhero for crying out loud!

Although, now he didn't feel much like a hero. That part of him had been stripped away from him by his illness. Now all he felt was weakness and fragility, and that was the part he struggled with the most. He had gone from being so strong and so alive, to this. To this weak thing that had to rely on everyone for everything.

Even with these feelings of helplessness looming over him, Barry still felt a strong desire to maintain some shred of his dignity, which is why when he walked into STAR Labs that afternoon he didn't let them see his fear. He held his head high and put on his brave face. He would let them be there for him and take care of him, but he would never let any of them see him like that again. Never.

…..

"How do his scans look?" Iris asked the moment Caitlin walked back into the med bay. Iris was sitting next to Barry on the edge of the medical bed again, picking absently at her fingernails as she tried to control her nerves.

"They look a bit better from last week but not as much as I would have hoped," Caitlin said, placing the images up against the light backboard again to observe them, "The tumors have shrunk very slightly, which may not seem like much, but it's a good sign. It means we're on the right track."

Iris and Joe exchanged a small smile, but Barry remained impassive as he stared at the images.

"How was my CBC?" he asked emotionlessly.

"It looks much better," Caitlin said with a small smile that faltered quickly, "but your BUN and creatinine levels have gotten worse. If they elevate even more, I may have to stop the treatment to do dialysis for your kidneys. I'd arrange for you to be put on a kidney and liver transplant list if I thought there would be a match for you, but that would be impossible. We ran into the same problem with Jay. Your cells are too mutated for you to receive any blood or organs from anyone else."

Barry continued to stare blankly at her, but the rest of them all exchanged worried looks.

"Not that that's something we need to worry about now," she said hurriedly to all of them, "For the time being you should be fine without a transplant."

Joe let out a heavy breath he hadn't realized he had been holding.

"So are we going to keep doing what we've been doing?" he asked her, "Are we going ahead with another round of chemo today?"

"Yes," Caitlin said, "I think he's stable enough to handle another round today. Is that okay with you, Barry?" she asked him uncertainly.

 _No! No, it's not!_ Barry thought, but a different strain of words escaped his lips.

"Whatever we need to do," he said, swallowing back his fear.

Barry tried not to let Caitlin see the shaking in his hands as she inserted the IV. Like he had planned, he had brought his laptop and some work files with him, and while he sat there with the dreaded CP22 being administered into his bloodstream, he worked on some of the cases that he had been falling behind in. It was a welcome distraction. Although he had always been passionate about his job, he had never before been so grateful for having cases to work on. He had never relied so heavily on the distraction that his job provided.

Like last week, Barry managed to remain calm throughout the entire procedure. It wasn't until after it that he began to lose his cool demeanor at the mention of his spending the night there again.

"But last time it worked just fine," he argued, "I don't see why I can't just go home."

"It would just be easier to keep you at STAR labs after your treatments, Barry," Caitlin told him, "It's just that there's more equipment here, and I can give you better care. I'd feel better to have you here in case something happens."

"Like what?"

"Like spontaneous cardiac arrest," she replied, "or cerebral hemorrhaging, or any other number of things that could go wrong."

Barry let out a heavy sigh and put his head in his hands.

"I'm not trying to scare you, Barry," she said sadly, "But I'm not going to sugar coat the situation. I just want to make sure that you have the best care available to you. And that level of care is here, at STAR labs. I can only do so much for you at your house."

"You don't have to come to my house," he argued, "I know how to insert an IV. I can do it myself if I need to."

"Barry, the problem isn't that it's an inconvenience for _me_. I don't mind making house calls in the slightest. It's just like I said; I can give you better care here. I'm not asking you to stay here indefinitely. I just want you to stay for the night. It's only been an hour, and you're already looking pale from the CP22. You're going to start vomiting soon, and I'd really rather monitor you through the night to make sure you're okay. I shouldn't have even let you go home last week. It was stupid of me. It's an unnecessary risk to take."

In the end, they managed to persuade Barry to spend the night at STAR labs. Iris and Joe stayed with him, despite his protests that they should go home and get some sleep.

It was yet another long night. Although he was exhausted, both from the treatment and from the arguing, Barry didn't sleep much. The anti-emetics that Caitlin prescribed him did little to inhibit his nausea, and he spent most of his night throwing up. Joe and Iris felt helpless, as there was nothing they could really do to comfort him.

He ended up spending nearly the entire following day at STAR Labs, during which Iris and Joe stayed with him by his bedside. They felt that he was too weak to move him and thought it would be better if he spent the day there to rest. A gloomy air of illness was almost palpable as it wafted throughout STAR labs as they all watched over their sick hero. Even Cisco, who was normally joking and lighthearted was quiet and sullen as they waited for Barry to recover from his round of treatment.

On Saturday evening, Joe and Cisco helped Barry get to the car, and the Wests took him home for the night. Barry said very little over the course of the weekend, and although they all knew how miserable he was feeling, Barry still tried his hardest not to let it show.

…..

Captain Singh rarely made his way up to the forensics lab. Usually he simply called the young CSI to his office if he needed to speak with him, which was why Barry was surprised to see him as he walked into the lab on Wednesday afternoon. Barry tensed, expecting the captain to criticize the messy state of his lab, or maybe he was here to ask Barry why he hadn't finished the ballistics report for the Silva case yet (he had fallen asleep at his desk again the day before and hadn't been able to finish it).

He was surprised, however, when the captain kindly greeted him.

"How are you doing, Allen?"

There was something in the way he said it and the expression on the captain's face as he looked at him. It was pity.

"Joe told you, didn't he?" Barry said immediately.

The captain nodded.

"Is there anything I can do for you?"

"No," Barry said immediately, a little too quickly.

"Thank you, sir," he added, "but I'm perfectly fine."

"If there's anything you need, time off, anything I can do, just let me know," Singh said seriously.

"Thank you, sir," Barry said again, "I appreciate it."

"Alright then," the captain said, shifting uncomfortably. "You feel better, Barry," he said before leaving the lab.

Barry watched him leave in shock. The captain had never, _never_ called him by his first name before, at least not when addressing him directly. Before he would have been warmed by the idea, but now, now it just felt like…well, he didn't know how it felt. It was almost as if the captain was being kinder to him, not out of respect, but out of pity. Like he saw Barry as being soft and fragile now. Barry found that he didn't like the feeling. He didn't like it at all.

…..

"Why did you tell him?!" Barry asked loudly, his hands clenching into fists at his sides. Joe stood up from his desk.

"Bar."

"You had no right to go ahead and do that!"

"As your employer, he had to know, Bar," Joe said calmly, "I did it to help you, not to upset you."

"You can't be making those kinds of decisions for me," Barry said, trying to keep the volume and the anger in his voice under control but failing.

"I was just doing what's best for you, Barry," Joe countered, "I knew you would never do it on your own, but it had to be done."

"I feel like I've lost all sense of freedom," Barry said brokenly, "You and everyone else are constantly making decisions for me, as if I'm not capable of deciding things for myself."

Joe could see that Barry was getting himself too worked up. He was right on the edge, and the tint of insanity growing in his eyes was frightening.

"It's like nobody sees me for me anymore," Barry continued, "All they see is cancer. It's like I'm not even a person anymore! I'm a walking disease, this broken thing for you all to take care of."

"We're just looking out for you, Bar," Joe said, trying to calm Barry down, "We're trying to help you cope with your illness."

"Please stop saying 'illness'!" Barry shouted, "Just call it what it is! It's cancer! I'm not going to break if you say the word. I'm so tired of everybody tiptoeing around me like I'm made of glass. You think I don't hear you and Iris whispering about me when I'm not in the room? I can still hear! I'm not deaf, Joe! I just have cancer!"

Barry breathed heavily, shaking from having just unleashed everything he had been bottling up inside since this whole thing had started. After a moment, his fists unclenched, and he looked around him in horror. Half of the police department had stopped what they were doing to witness the very loud argument that had been transpiring between the detective and his CSI foster son, and they had heard every word.


	11. Possessed

"Barry, when are you going to stop taking the stairs?" Joe asked, easily catching up to his foster son who was only a few steps up the staircase to his lab.

"What do you mean?" he asked, "I _always_ take the stairs."

"Yes, I know, but you really should start taking the elevator," Joe urged, "I watch you struggle to get up these stairs every day, and really it's just unnecessary."

And sure enough, Barry was struggling to catch his breath as he neared the top.

"I've got this, Joe. It's not that many steps," Barry breathed irritably, but he stopped just shy of the top nonetheless, holding tightly onto the railing as he took deep breaths.

"There's no shame in taking the elevator if it's too much for you, Bar."

But Barry started walking again, defiantly taking the last few steps to the top.

"Barry. You're sick," Joe continued, "and you need to start acting like it. You have to accept that there are some things that you just can't do now. "

"I don't want anyone to see me taking the elevator."

"Why?! You'd rather them see you pass out again? I'm really sorry, Barry, but the secret is out now. There's no point in trying to hide it and making things harder for yourself. Why would you struggle up those stairs every day when the elevator would be so much easier for you?"

"I'm not going to give everyone the satisfaction," Barry said as they entered his lab.

"What do you mean _that_?" Joe asked confusedly.

"I mean that now that everyone here knows that I'm sick, they've been treating me differently," Barry elaborated, "They already think I'm weak. I'm not going to contribute to that by doing things like taking the elevator."

"That's just stupid, Bar. No one's going to think any less of you if you do. You don't have to prove anything to anyone," Joe said as Barry sat down at his desk, "I know it's hard for you having everybody know now that you're sick, but it doesn't have to define you. It doesn't have to change the way you live your life."

"You don't understand, Joe," Barry nearly whispered, "This was the one place where I still felt normal, the one thing in my life that had gone unchanged, and now that's gone too."

"I'm sorry, Barry," Joe said with a pained expression.

"It's not your fault," Barry assured him, "It's my own. If I hadn't gone yelling about it in the middle of the precinct…"

Barry sighed.

"I don't know what happens when I get like that. It's like something inside of me just snaps, and I can't control it. I can't control any of those emotions. They all just come pouring out of me. It doesn't even feel like me saying those things. It's like my body has been taken over by somebody else, and all I can do is watch helplessly as it happens. I don't know. It's hard to explain."

Barry ran his fingers through his hair, something he always did when he was tense or nervous, and something Joe noticed he had been doing a lot lately.

"Caitlin warned us that the brain tumor would affect your personality," Joe observed, "She said it affected your thinking and emotions."

"I can't blame the tumor for all of my actions," Barry told him, "Some if it is just me, being difficult. But a lot of the time, it's as if everything I'm feeling is, I don't know, amplified. Sometimes I know I'm being stupid and unreasonable, but I do it anyways. Other times it's like a voice in my ear, nagging at the back of mind. It's all very confusing."

"And I thought it was scary to _witness_ ," Joe said, "I didn't consider what it must be like to be on the other side of it. How scary that must be for you."

"I'm sorry that you guys have to deal with it," Barry said sincerely, "I'm so sorry."

"You don't have to apologize, Bar. We know you can't help it and that you're doing the best you can. It's a lot to handle and a lot to adjust to."

"This _all_ has been a lot to adjust to," Barry said warily, "I used to be able to outrun bullets and unwind tornadoes. Now I can't even make it up the stairs without getting winded," he said bitterly.

"Don't worry, Barry," Joe comforted, "You'll be running again soon enough. I know this has been hard for you, not being able to run, but this won't last forever. You're going to get better, and you're going to go right back to where you were before this whole mess started."

"I don't know, Joe," said Barry uncertainly, "I still have _some_ of my speed, but it's mostly gone. I can only run in small spurts now, and not nearly as fast as before."

"You shouldn't be running _at all_ right now, Bar," Joe said sternly.

"I know," said Barry quickly, "and I haven't, really. I just wanted to see…"

"Does Caitlin know about this?" Joe asked.

"No, but Joe," Barry said desperately, "I swear I haven't been doing it much. It's not like I'm out there running around as the Flash anymore. Anyone who reads a newspaper can tell you that."

Barry looked bitterly towards the newspaper that was lying on his desk. The headline read: "Flash Still Missing, City Crime Reaches All-Time High in Scarlet Speedster's Absence"

This had been one of many newspaper issues commenting on the Flash's sudden lack of activity. Iris had done her best to keep the CCPN from printing them, but her new editor seemed to be on a mission to tarnish the Flash's pristine reputation.

Joe looked sullenly at the newspaper too.

"You can't blame yourself for everything that's been happening, Barry. You're not responsible for every crime that happens in this city."

"But I am, Joe," Barry said, "It's my job to stop people like that and to save people. That woman that died last week…" He sighed heavily, "If I had been out there as the Flash, I could have saved her."

"You can't save everyone, Barry, especially not now. Now is the time to think about yourself for once. Right now you need to focus on getting better."

"I don't feel better, Joe. I feel worse," Barry said irritably, "I'm tired of feeling sick all the time. I'm tired of throwing up. I'm just tired."

"I know, Bar," Joe said sadly, "I know. Caitlin said it would get worse before it got better. It might not seem like it, but all of these treatments are supposed to help you, Barry."

"It's been almost a month," Barry said, "I don't know how long I can keep doing this, Joe."

Joe tried to swallow back the lump in his throat. He didn't know what to say. Any words of comfort he could think of didn't seem like they would be enough. So he hugged Barry instead. Barry didn't quite return the hug, but rather stood there limply as his foster father held him and said, "We'll make it through this. Just keep holding on, Bar. We'll make it through this."

…..

Barry stood in the doorway, staring at the treadmill. He missed it. He missed the rush of wind on his face, the feeling like nothing could touch him when he was running.

He had taken it for granted, grown so accustomed to it that it had seemed like such a normal part of his life. Before his diagnosis, Barry had been running every day, throwing everything he had into being the Flash and stopping Zoom. He had been working so hard. He had sacrificed so much, his relationship, his personal life, and even his own health, to get faster.

He had been running and training every day, and now he suddenly wasn't supposed to run at all? He didn't know who he was without being the Flash.

The worst part about it was that every time he thought about it, he wanted to clear his head by going for a run, which he couldn't do. It was a vicious cycle that left his brain feeling scrambled and made him want to tear his hair out. Although, the chemotherapy seemed to be doing that part for him.

It had started midway through the second week of his treatment. He first noticed it in the shower when he pulled his hands from his scalp to reveal small clumps of hair between his fingers. He knew his hair was such a petty thing to care about when considering the grand scheme of things, but he was upset by the idea. Truly he hadn't lost that much hair, not enough for anyone else to notice just yet, but _he_ noticed, and it bothered him.

Now, however, nothing bothered him more than the fact that he wasn't allowed to run. His hand rested lightly on the control of the treadmill. He hadn't even realized he had crossed the room until he was already face to face with the screen, which flickered to life at his touch. Barry was tempted, extremely so, to turn the machine on.

He had only been using his speed every now and then to quickly cross a room or do a small movement. He did it when he was home alone, when Joe or Iris couldn't see him. The small spurts of speed that he still had were as small comfort to him. To know that the speed force was still in his system helped him retain the hope that everything would somehow go back to normal again.

But today, it wasn't enough. He had to know. He had to know just how fast he could still go. He had to _run_. Barry's finger hovered inches from the control screen. Just a quick run couldn't hurt. Just to see how fast he could still go and for how long. Zoom was still out there after all, not to mention an unknown number of metahumans that could act out at any moment. Really, it would be foolish not to be prepared, right? At the very least, he should know his limits, what he can and can't do.

"What are you doing in here, Barry?" he heard Cisco's voice ask from behind him. Barry turned to face him. Cisco was holding his hands at his sides, palms up, waiting for a reply. Barry knew lying wouldn't get him anywhere, so he pleaded instead.

"Just one run, Cisco," he begged, "I'll take it slow. I just want to run. Just this once. Please?"

Cisco didn't understand it. The guy looked dead on his feet, exhaustion evident by the bags under his eyes, and here he wanted to go for a run?!

"You know I can't let you do that, man," he said painfully, "I'm sorry, but you know it's not good for you."

"I need it, Cisco," Barry urged, "I need to run. I don't know who I am without it."

"I know it's hard, man, but if you do this, you're just going to make yourself sicker and undo all of the progress you've made."

At these words, Barry felt something deep inside him flip. His eyes went from pleading to dangerous, as he clamped his teeth down to hold back the shout that was threatening to escape him.

"Progress?" he growled, his hands balling into fists. "What progress? It's been over a month, and there's been hardly any change."

"That's not true, Barry," Cisco said surreally, "Your CBCs look much better, and the tumors have continued to shrink."

"Not enough," Barry muttered darkly.

"Your white blood cell count was a lot lower yesterday. That's a good sign."

"Oh, is it?" Barry said mockingly, "We all know that my white blood cells are low only because the CP22 is destroying my immune system. It's not progress, Cisco. It's the opposite."

"I know it's hard for you to see it, Barry, because you're feeling so miserable, but you _are_ making progress."

"And what about the progress I was making before? With my speed? I'm going to lose that all now because you guys won't let me train!" Barry nearly shouted.

"Is that _really_ what you care about right now, man?" Cisco asked incredulously, "I find that hard to believe. You know what I think?" he asked, stepping closer to Barry so that they were mere inches from each other, "I think your preoccupation with training and with Zoom is just a distraction. It's an unhealthy obsession that you're using to escape from the things that are really bothering you, Barry."

For a wild moment Cisco really thought Barry might hit him. There was a dark hatred in his eyes that Cisco had only seen once before, and that was with the Reverse Flash. Barry's mouth was a thin line, and he took large, deep breaths through his nose, as if willing himself not to do something he would regret. The effect was terrifying. There was no trace of the friendly, happy-go-lucky person Cisco had always known Barry to be.

"Is that your professional analysis, Ramon?" he asked coldly. Cisco took a step back, stunned by the look on Barry's face and the use of his surname. Barry had never spoken to him with such iciness before. He took a moment to recover before answering.

"Barry," he said, putting a hand on Barry's shoulder, "You're not yourself right now. Why don't we go sit down in the other room and try to calm down a bit, okay?"

"Take. Your hand. Off me." Barry growled warningly. Cisco removed his hand from Barry's shoulder and stepped back again.

"Barry…" he said, but Barry walked around him and left the room without another word.

…..

It hadn't taken Barry long to apologize to Cisco shortly after their tense exchange. After he had come to his senses, Barry felt ashamed and embarrassed about the whole thing. Whatever this was that kept coming over him, it seemed to be happening more often, and that terrified him. He didn't seem to know anymore when he was himself or when he was being taken over by whatever this demon was that kept possessing his thoughts and emotions.

It wasn't just his emotions that seemed to be affected now. He started having moments of confusion at random times throughout the day. He had recurrent lapses in memory that seemed to be increasing both in frequency and severity. Joe and Iris were the first to notice that Barry's memory seemed to be failing him.

It had started out with little things, like forgetting where he had left his work notepad or forgetting to close the front door behind him. It soon escalated into him forgetting where he was and what he had been doing a moment ago.

Iris had been very alarmed one night when Barry had turned to her and asked her when their chem assignment was due. It was as if he had thought they were back in high school or something. A moment later, Barry had gone back to normal and didn't seemed to remember what had happened or what he had said.

More than once Barry had walked out the front door, fully dressed and ready to go to work, only to have Joe or Iris stop him to tell him that it was nine o'clock at night, and he most definitely didn't have to go into work right now. Barry felt very stupid and embarrassed when things like this happened. He was otherwise very sharp and alert, but he kept having these moments, usually when he was overtired or he had just had a chemo treatment, when he got confused. It frustrated and upset him, and Iris's and Joe's attempts to tell him that it wasn't his fault and to make him feel better usually only made him feel more embarrassed.

They all avoided talking about Barry's condition at home. Iris and Joe both knew he was struggling with the fact that everyone at his work knew about his cancer now. Iris had discovered several "Get Well Soon" cards on Barry's dresser in his bedroom. She knew the sight of them probably drove him crazy, which is why, she assumed, he had flipped them over so as not to look at them.

Iris and Joe did everything they could to make everything feel comfortable and normal at home for Barry. They made sure the temperature on the thermostat was plenty high, knowing that Barry was easily chilled. He had never complained of being cold, but when his teeth started chattering and he shivered uncontrollably it was a bit of a giveaway. He tried to keep things like this hidden from them, but they were watching him so closely that they rarely went unnoticed. They noticed every time he braced himself against something for the balance or support because he was dizzy, every time he started to turn green from nausea, every time he rushed off to the bathroom with a tissue pressed to his bleeding nose.

They supported him through it any way that they could, dimming the lights in the room when they saw his forehead wrinkle in pain from his headaches, getting him water when he was sitting on the bathroom floor vomiting repeatedly into the toilet, urging him to eat when they knew he had forgotten to because of his lack of appetite.

Iris made sure the house was always clean and free of dust after Barry started having respiratory problems and episodes of difficulty breathing. His lungs were starting to deteriorate from his illness, and he often found himself short of breath, something he had a hard time keeping hidden from them.

Caitlin had provided him with a portable oxygen tank to have on hand when he needed it, but Barry usually refused to use it and denied that he was short of breath when they asked him. The only times he ever put the nasal cannula on for oxygen therapy were the nights after his treatments so that he could sleep.

Although it was better than spending the night at STAR Labs, Barry always hated going home after his chemotherapy sessions. He wished he could just go away somewhere else to a remote place after his treatments. Somewhere where he could be sick alone, and no one would have sit up with him all night. He hated that his friends and family had to sacrifice their weekends to watch over him, and if he had thought they would go along with it, he would have considered getting his own apartment just so that they wouldn't have to deal with any more of the ugliness of his illness.

Even on a daily basis, Barry wished that Joe and Iris wouldn't fret over him so much. Although they had stopped talking about his cancer in front of him, all of the little things they did for him drove him crazy. Things like making sure he ate a decent breakfast before going to work and covering him with an extra blanket when he hadn't even asked for one. He knew they were just trying to take care of him and they wanted to feel useful, but it only made him feel more helpless.

To make things seem more like normal, Iris often tried to have movie nights with Barry, the way they used to when they were both in high school and living at home. He often had to decline because of his workload though. He was gradually falling behind on cases at work, and the only way he was managing to keep up was by taking his work home with him. When he _did_ watch movies with her, Barry often fell asleep before they were even half way into the movie.

They were only ten minutes into their movie one night when Iris heard Barry's soft, steady breathing next to her. She looked over at him, and sure enough, he had his head tipped back against the back of the sofa and he was sound asleep. Perhaps sound wasn't the best word to describe it. He was asleep, but his expression still looked stressed and troubled. He had a slight crease between his eyes, and his mouth was set into a subtle frown.

Iris's eyes slid to the picture on the end table next to him. It was a picture of her and Barry, taken shortly after Barry's college graduation ceremony. It was her favorite picture of the two of them. They each had an arm around the other's back, and Barry's hair was messy and askew from his graduation cap. He had his head thrown back, laughing in the carefree way that only Barry could.

It had been a while since she had heard him laugh now. As Iris looked between the picture of Barry, so happy and full of light and energy, and the Barry she had before her now, she felt a heaviness fill her heart. Whatever light Barry had before had now flickered out. He had been so happy, so carefree, so alive. Now he was just sick. His illness left room for little else. She could see how pale his skin was, how hollow and gaunt his cheeks looked. The weight he had lost was starting to show more and more with each passing week. He looked nothing like the Barry in the pictures, the one she had always known.

Even his hair was starting to look thinner, not terribly so, but she could see it now. It saddened her. Barry had always had such a nice head of hair. She noticed a shudder run through him, and she quickly covered him with another blanket before sliding underneath it next to him to keep him warm. Curled up next to a sick and sleeping Barry, Iris looked back to the TV screen with a sigh, the screen appearing blurry from the tears that had welled up in her eyes.

…..

"Dude, your Facebook profile is seriously lacking. You, like, never post anything."

"Cisco, when I said I would come here to work on this case with you, I meant actually working on the case," Barry said, not looking up from his forensics report, "Not sit here while you stalk and critique my Facebook page."

They were sitting behind the desk in the cortex, Barry working intently on writing up his report while Cisco played on his tablet.

"Please. You don't even want my help," Cisco laughed, "Every time I try to help you with your work, you end up redoing everything anyways."

Barry couldn't help but smile at his observation. It was true. When Barry brought cases to STAR Labs to utilize their advanced equipment and software, he usually worked best alone. As brilliant as Cisco was, he often proved to be more of a distraction than a help.

"I swear, man, you have like, not aged at all since high school," Cisco said, still looking through Barry's Facebook photos, "Woah, hang on. Who is _this_ hottie?"

"Oh, that's Becky," Barry said, glancing briefly at the screen, "She was my girlfriend my sophomore year in high school."

"Damn," Cisco said, laughing, "And here I thought you were a total nerd."

Barry chuckled slightly, "Not a _total_ nerd," he said, "Just a nerd."

"So what happened?" Cisco asked. Barry looked at him confusedly. Cisco gestured at the picture on the screen.

"With Becky?" Barry asked, shaking his head, "I'd rather not discuss it. Things didn't end the greatest between us."

Cisco stared at him curiously when Barry returned back to working on his forensics report.

"Let me guess," Cisco said, "Iris."

"No, actually. Becky was just a bit…intense. It got pretty complicated," Barry said thoughtfully before smiling to himself, "Although I have to say, Iris did _not_ like her. Granted, Iris didn't like most of the girls I dated. Vanessa, especially."

"Oh, this I gotta hear," Cisco said, interested, "Who's Vanessa?"

"Another past girlfriend I'd rather not discuss," Barry said as he continued to work. " _She_ was even more of a nightmare than Becky. A socially manipulative psychopath actually."

"Jeez, Barry, did you ever date any girls that _weren't_ crazy?"

"Oh, my college girlfriends were a lot better," Barry assured him, "but hey, I didn't come here to discuss my past relationships with you."

"Sorry, I was just curious," Cisco chuckled, "You've never told me about your crazy exes before."

Barry continued to work intently on his report, but still, he couldn't help but smile. It felt strange on his face. He couldn't remember the last time he had smiled, _really_ smiled. Only Cisco, being the fun and lighthearted friend that his was, could have driven it out of him so effortlessly. This was how things should be, hanging out in STAR Labs, Cisco teasing Barry and cracking jokes about his love life. For a moment, everything felt like it had been before. For a fleeting moment, Barry felt like things were almost normal.

The smile quickly slid from Barry's face, however, once his nose started to bleed. He quickly grabbed a tissue and excused himself, swiftly making his way to the restroom. It had been happening a lot lately, being simply another side effect of his condition. Nosebleeds and easy bruising were common amongst cancer patients with low platelet counts like him, and although harmless, Barry was frustrated by their timing.

As he stood in the bathroom pressing the tissue to his face and looking in the mirror at his pale reflection, Barry was cruelly reminded that things _weren't_ normal. He was reminded of what, for a moment, he had forgotten. That he was still sick, and everything was still falling apart.


	12. Replaced

Captain Singh yawned as he walked into the forensics lab. The spike in crime rates was starting to take its toll on everyone in the precinct, especially its captain. The only person who seemed to be more exhausted than him, thought Singh, was his CSI. As if to illustrate his point, when Singh walked into the lab, he found the young scientist hunched over at his desk, rubbing his eyes as he perused one of his newer cases.

"Morning, Allen," he greeted, walking over to the desk.

"Good morning, sir," Barry replied, stifling a yawn.

 _Jeez,_ the captain thought to himself, _the kid looks like shit._

Singh had observed that Barry usually looked worse on the earlier days of the week. He figured it must have been because he got his treatments over the weekends. Even now, however, on a Thursday, Singh could see his hands shaking slightly, and he couldn't help but notice that Barry didn't jump out of his chair the way he usually did when the captain entered the room but instead stayed sitting.

Barry, who was normally dressed smartly and tidily, now looked somewhat disheveled. His clothes, which no longer seemed to fit him quite right, now hung loosely on him, and his hair was tousled. Not to mention the fact that his lab seemed to always be a mess now. It was no wonder why Barry had been constantly losing things. Just last week, Barry had lost two reports, which he then had to do over again.

Singh wasn't sure if the errors Barry had been making lately were just from his disorganization or from Barry's new found lapses in memory that Joe had informed him about. He was still a brilliant forensic scientist, but now it was getting to the point where his illness was getting in the way of his job. It was too much for him to handle alone, and Singh knew that it was now time to do something about it.

"I just came here to let you know something, Barry," Singh said, choosing his words carefully. Barry stared at him curiously, his expression somewhat nervous, "I've just hired on another forensic assistant for the department."

"W-what?" Barry asked, his eyes going wide, "Sir, if this is about the case files I mixed up yesterday, you should know that I already got them sorted out. And all of the broken beakers…I've already paid to have them replaced. I've got the Tate case finished now. I was just going to come give it—"

"Barry," Singh interrupted him, "Don't worry. You're not being replaced."

Barry let out a sigh of relief.

"I'm not?"

"Of course not," the captain said disbelievingly, "I'd have to be crazy to let you go."

When Barry still didn't look quite convinced, Singh continued, "Allen, you are probably the best CSI I've seen in my years on the job. You don't have to worry. Your job is safe. I just thought that maybe you could use an extra hand. You know…until you're feeling better."

"Oh, I feel fine, sir," Barry assured him, "I appreciate it, but I think I can get by without the extra help. I know I was falling a little behind last week and I made a few mistakes, but I'm much better this week. I'm all caught up with my cases now."

"That's not the point, Allen," Singh said, "With the Flash MIA, the city has been in a chaotic panic. I can't expect you to handle all of these cases coming in on your own, especially in your condition."

Singh thought that Barry had a peculiar expression on his face that he didn't quite understand. It almost looked like…guilt.

"I'm sorry," he said, looking at the floor.

"Don't be!" the captain said quickly, "You have no reason to be. I'm the one who should be apologizing, Barry. I shouldn't have expected so much from you. It's way too much for one person to handle on their own."

"Captain Singh, I really don't think I need—"

"Barry," Singh said seriously, "Having another person here to help you would really make me feel a lot better about allowing you to still be working right now. We both know you really shouldn't be."

The captain regretted this the moment he said it. Barry hung his head in shame. The kid looked so defeated.

"I can handle it," he said quietly.

"But I'm saying you don't have to," Singh said with finality, "Now, this new CSI is going to be coming in bright and early Monday morning, and I can think of no better person to train him for the job than you."

Singh hesitantly gave Barry a pat on the shoulder before exiting the lab. He thought he would feel better after hiring some help for Barry, so why did he now feel worse?

…..

"Dammit! Sorry, Barry," Caitlin muttered, focusing on the needle she was sticking into his arm.

"It's okay," he replied. He had gotten use to her inserting IVs, and lately that had been a bit of a challenge for her. It now usually took her a few pokes and some digging around to find a viable blood vessel to use.

"The veins are just so weak now," she mumbled as she finally got the IV into place. Barry looked at his arms. He could have passed for a junkie with the amount of marks and bruises he had from all the IVs he had been given over the past few weeks.

Barry laid back on the bed while she started the chemo drip. He didn't even get nervous about it anymore. He just wanted to get it over with. After a short time had passed Barry looked down at his hand.

"Uh, Caitlin?"

She looked over at him in answer. He held up his arm. Caitlin gasped at the sight of it. The entire wrist was bruised and discolored, swollen to almost twice its size. Caitlin rushed over and in an instant had the IV taken out.

"It must have infiltrated," she said, assessing his hand thoroughly, "I'm so, so sorry Barry! The vein must have collapsed after I started the drip."

" _What_ happened now?"

They looked over to see Joe and Iris entering the med bay. Caitlin didn't look at Joe or answer his question right away, but rather continued to frantically assess Barry's swollen hand before answering.

"Barry's IV infiltrated. The fluids were going into the tissues in his wrist instead of in his blood stream like they're supposed to. I'm so sorry, Barry," she said to him again, "I should have noticed it."

"It's okay," Barry said immediately.

"No," Joe said. They all looked at him, shocked. "No, it most certainly is _not_ okay."

"Joe," Barry said, "Don't."

"We are trusting you, Caitlin," Joe said anyways, "We're all trusting you with Barry's wellbeing, with his _life_. Stuff like this should not be happening. He suffers enough. We don't need to make this all worse for him by making dumb mistakes."

"Joe!" Barry yelled. Everyone looked stunned by Joe's outburst. Caitlin was crushed. She didn't know what to say as Joe stormed over to the bed and angrily took Barry's wrist from Caitlin's grasp to look at it himself.

"Joe, I…" Caitlin stuttered, "I'm so sorry. I should have been more careful. I…I care about Barry too. I don't want him to suffer any more than you do…"

"Guys," Barry said loudly, "I'm not _suffering_. Really, it's not a big deal. I'm fine."

He pulled his sore arm from Joe's grasp.

"Joe, I know you're just being protective over me, but there's no reason why you should _ever_ take it out on Caitlin. She's an excellent doctor, and she has always taken good care of me."

Joe took a second to take a few deep breaths, exhaling heavily.

"I know," he breathed. He looked over to Caitlin, who still wore a guilty and slightly hurt expression, "I'm sorry, Caitlin. I know you're doing your best. I guess this is all just taking a toll on me like the rest of us. It's difficult when you have a sick kid, and there's nothing you can do to help him. I didn't mean to snap at you."

"It's okay," she said immediately, "We all love Barry and want what's best for him. I completely understand."

Barry blushed.

"Okay," he said, "Let's just insert a new IV so we can get this over with."

"Actually, Barry," Caitlin said, recovering from Joe's outburst, "I think it would be best if we insert a PICC line. Your veins are too damaged to keep inserting new IVs every time."

"What's a PICC line?" Iris asked.

"It's a longer IV catheter that I would thread into a vein in his arm all the way up into his shoulder. I would be able to leave it in permanently so that I won't have to insert a new IV every time he comes in for a treatment or for glucose supplements."

"I don't know," Barry said, "That sounds a little…invasive. I'd really rather just keep doing what we're doing. I don't see how a PICC line would be better."

"It would make it a lot easier, Barry," Caitlin told him patiently, "If your IVs keep infiltrating like this, you're going to be putting yourself at risk for tissue necrosis, especially with harsh medications like CP22. Thankfully, that shouldn't be a problem this time. Your hand should heal just fine. It might just be a little sore for a few days. If it had been any worse though, it may have required surgery, which would have been a disaster."

Barry sighed.

"I would have to keep it in all the time?"

"It doesn't hurt," Caitlin assured him, "It might feel a little strange at first, and it will take some getting used to, but after a while you won't even know it's there."

"Okay," Barry said.

"Okay?" Caitlin asked, surprised by his lack of resistance. She had expected him to argue more.

"Yeah," Barry said flatly, "Let's just do it. You're going to do it anyways, so why argue?"

"That's not true, Bar," Iris said, "You _do_ still have a choice. We're not going to make you do anything you don't want to do."

"Caitlin, just go ahead and do it," he said to the doctor, his voice hard, "Just get it done."

They all looked around at each other, alarmed by Barry's sudden indifference and detached demeanor. Caitlin looked questioningly at the others before tentatively stepping forward to insert the PICC line. Barry's face remained hard, his expression unreadable.

…..

Carl walked nervously into the Central City precinct, taking it all in. He looked frantically for any sign that might direct him to the forensics lab. His first day on the job, and he didn't even know where to go. He looked down at the paperwork the captain had given him, hoping it would contain some sort of directions. It didn't.

He circled the entire first floor, looking for his destination. He thought about asking someone for directions, but the detectives all looked so busy. He didn't want to bother them, and he didn't want to look like he was incompetent when it was only his first day.

He had just resigned that maybe he should go into the captain's office for instructions when he ran headlong into one of the detectives, both of their papers scattering everywhere.

"Oh my goodness," Carl said, "I'm so sorry!"

The detective laughed it off, "It's fine, don't worry about it."

They both stooped to pick up their papers, which had all mixed together. As they sorted them out, the detective spoke again, "I'm Detective West. Are you new here? I don't think I've ever seen you before."

"Yeah, I'm Carl Belfort," the young man said, "I'm the new forensics assistant."

The detective's smile faltered.

"Forensic assistant?" he asked in a somewhat worried voice, "I didn't realize we were hiring."

"Yes, well, I was told the forensic assistant who works here now was sick or something," Carl explained, "The captain hired me on as an extra hand until he got back on his feet."

Detective West seemed to relax slightly at that, but he still looked apprehensive for some reason.

"Yeah, he hasn't been feeling too well. I suppose the extra help will do him good. Things have been pretty crazy around here lately."

"Well, I'll do whatever I can to help," Carl said brightly, "To be honest this is my first CSI job since getting out of school. Hopefully this other forensic scientist can teach me a thing or two."

The detective laughed at that.

"Oh, I'm sure Barry will teach you plenty. He knows quite a bit, and I'm sure he would love to have someone there to talk to about all this science stuff. Most of us don't understand what he's talking about half the time."

"Barry?" Carl asked, his eyes going wide, "Barry Allen?!"

"Yeah," the detective answered, confused by Carl's change in demeanor.

"As in _the_ Barry Allen?" he asked excitedly, "The forensic scientist?"

"Umm, yes?"

"Oh my goodness!" Carl exclaimed, forgetting about his papers on the ground, "This is incredible! I can't believe I'm going to be working with _Barry Allen!_ I'm going to learn so much from him. My professors used to talk about him at school. He's a genius! Did you know he graduated with a double major in physics and chemistry with a minor in forensics when he was only twenty?"

The detective laughed.

"Yeah, I would know. I'm his foster father."

"His foster father? Oh, right," Carl said suddenly, "I forgot. He has a pretty tragic backstory, doesn't he? The Nora Allen murder."

Carl cringed internally at his outburst. He often said things without thinking, the words just slipping out of his mouth before he could reign them in.

"Sorry," he said quickly, "I didn't mean to…"

"No, it's fine. Most people around here know all about Barry's family tragedy. I'm not surprised you do too. I just wouldn't go bringing it up around Barry when you meet him. It's always been a bit of a painful subject for him."

"Oh yes," Carl said hurriedly, "I mean no, of course not. I won't bring it up," he rambled.

"Good," Detective West said, giving him a small smile, "Well, I should get back to work. There's a lot to catch up on. Good luck with your first day, Carl."

"Wait!" Carl said, "Could you, um…could you maybe tell me how to get to the forensics department? I've circled the floor twice already. I can't find it."

The detective chuckled.

"That's because you're on the wrong floor. It's upstairs," he said, gesturing up at the balcony that looked down over the precinct.

"Oh," Carl said, feeling dumb, "Thanks. I'm already so late, for meeting Barry Allen of all people. I'm going to make him hate me on the first day."

Detective West laughed again.

"I don't think Barry's capable of hating anybody. Don't worry, he's friendly to everyone, unless they disturb a crime scene maybe. Then he's somewhat of a force to be reckoned with."

Carl managed a small laugh as the detective walked away, but inside he was a bundle of nerves. As he made his way up the stairs to Barry Allen's lab, he couldn't help but think about how much worse it was for the nerves when you were not only meeting your new boss, but also your hero at the same time.

…..

Today was one of those few days when Barry had actually considered taking a sick day. He usually was too stubborn to admit it to himself that he wasn't feeling well, but today he knew he was pushing it. He had gotten his chemo treatment on the Friday before like always, but its effects seemed to be seeping into his work week now more than usual. He had spent all weekend recuperating, but he still felt sick. He was grateful that he had so far managed to avoid passing out or anything else at work since his diagnosis. The last thing he wanted was to make a big scene like that in front of everyone again.

The key to avoiding it was knowing his limits. He knew when not to stand up, when he felt weak or dizzy. He could feel when his blood pressure was too low or his glucose levels too diminished. He ate whenever he could. He took the anti-emetics Caitlin had prescribed him constantly throughout the day, wondering if they were really even doing anything for his nausea. He supposed they must be, considering he had at least managed not to throw up at work too often. Granted, his nausea was usually worse at night though. Throwing up at work was the worst. He was just thankful that he had a restroom right next to his lab and not many people used it. So far, no one had walked in on him when he was ill yet, and he wanted to keep it that way.

At least he always had his private lab to himself, which served as a security to him so that if something _did_ happen, like him passing out or not making it to the bathroom in time to throw up, at least no one else would be there to witness it. Now, with a new forensic scientist coming to work with him, he wouldn't have that anymore.

It was also for this reason that Barry did not take a sick day today. He knew the new CSI would be coming in for training this morning, and so he therefore had to be there. Why did it have to be on a Monday when he was still recovering from his last round of chemo?

"Dammit," Barry said, as he stooped to pick up the shattered test tube that had slipped through his shaky hands. When he stood back up, the whole room seemed to spin. Knowing better, he sat down in his desk chair immediately, waiting for the dizzy spell to pass.

After a moment, he stood slowly and walked across the lab to grab a new test tube. He was just starting to remix the solution that he had dropped when someone walked into his lab.

"Mr. Allen?" the young man asked, standing awkwardly in the door, unsure of what to do with his hands.

"Hi," Barry said brightly, walking over to shake his hand, "You must be the new trainee."

"Yes," the nervous scientist breathed, timidly taking Barry's hand to shake it, "I'm Carl Belfort."

"Barry Allen," Barry said, smiling at the slightly younger man. He ignored the pounding in his head and tried not to look like he was struggling just to stay standing for this long.

"Yes, I know," Carl said, blushing slightly. "I mean," he stuttered, "I've heard a lot about you."

Barry's face fell. What did that mean exactly? What had he heard? That he was ill? That he was now incapable of doing his job on his own? That he was off his rocker, and he was slowly losing his mind and making dumb mistakes all the time?

"You're one of the best CSI's in the state," Carl continued, "I've seen your work. It's genius!"

Barry breathed easier, his smile returning as he leaned against the desk for support, not wanting to be too obvious about it.

"Thank you, Carl."

"I suppose Central City is the perfect place for someone of your expertise to be working, huh?" Carl laughed.

"How do you mean?" Barry asked, raising his eyebrows.

"I mean all of the metahumans," Carl elaborated, "It must keep things pretty interesting."

"Oh right," Barry said, "Yeah, I never get bored. That's for sure."

"So what are you working on right now?" Carl asked excitedly, "What can I do?"

"Don't get too excited," Barry laughed, "I'm just working on a normal case right now. I don't suspect any metahuman involvement."

"What kind of case is it then?"

"We suspect it's a suicide actually," Barry told him, "It should have been a very simple case, but thanks to the EMTs who arrived on the scene first, it's become a lot more complicated."

"How so?" Carl asked, feeling privileged to be hearing about any case that Barry was working on.

"They were just doing their job really, trying to save the guy," Barry reasoned, "but by the time they found him, the man had already been dead for two days. Rigor mortis had long since set it, which is why I found it a little ridiculous when I arrived on scene to find them trying to revive a corpse."

"So how does that mess up the case?" Carl asked.

"They moved the body on me," Barry said irritably, "But when asked, they denied doing so. Now, legally we have to assume someone else did it, which could technically make it a potential homicide case."

"How do you know the body was moved?" Carl asked him, still in disbelief that he was standing here casually discussing a case with Barry Allen of all people.

"Here, I'll show you," Barry said, pulling out the case file and showing him a photo, "See these imprints here on the victim's back?"

"Yeah."

"They perfectly match the buttons on a pillow that was on the floor five feet away from him," Barry explained, "Because rigor mortis had set in, the imprint of the button was left on his skin, and so it stayed on him when he was moved off the pillow."

Carl studied the images closely.

"Wow, I never would have even thought about that," he said, amazed. He had spent only five minutes with Barry and he was already learning from him.

Barry continued to discuss his many cases with Carl throughout the day, patiently answering all of Carl's questions. Carl was excited and eager to learn, which Barry had a strong appreciation for. He almost reminded Barry of himself when he first started on the job.

Around noon Barry realized that he had gone the entire rest of the morning without noticing how sick he was feeling. Having Carl there served as a welcome distraction. It was a pleasure to have another person there who was as passionate about forensic science as he was, and Barry found that he was thoroughly enjoying discussing his work with Carl.

"What's that?" Carl asked suddenly. Barry looked up from the blood test he was doing to see Carl gesturing toward Barry's arm. Barry quickly pulled down his sleeve to hide the PICC line that had been visible on his arm. His sleeve must have ridden up.

"It's nothing," Barry said hurriedly. Then, changing the subject he asked, "Are you hungry? We can take a lunch break soon if you want."

Carl looked curiously at Barry for another moment before shrugging.

"I'm good for now," Carl said, casting a sidelong glance at him before going back to the task Barry had assigned to him, a simple fingerprint scan. He had heard that Barry was sick, but after seeing whatever that tube-like thing was on Barry's arm, Carl started to wonder just how sick Barry really was.

Barry went back to his own test, a churning feeling in his stomach. He knew Carl would find out about his situation eventually. He was bound to hear about it from someone else at the precinct. But at the same time, Barry really liked Carl, and he didn't want him to turn into another one of the many coworkers who pitied him and talked to him in hushed voices all the time, as if he was on his deathbed or something.

This was his main reason for disliking the PICC line in his arm. He had to constantly keep it hidden from everyone. Caitlin had been right; it wasn't painful for the most part. It was just annoying. It was bulkier than he thought it would be, and he had to wear shirts with long, loose sleeves just to keep it somewhat hidden. Even then, you could still see the outline of it beneath the material. It _did_ make the treatments go smoother though, so Barry didn't complain.

Barry was beginning to lose track of how long he had been going through treatment. It felt like ages, and it also still felt like they weren't accomplishing anything. Some of the tumors were shrinking, but at the same time others were growing, including the tumor in his brain. In the meantime he was beginning to feel worse. He didn't know how long he could continue with this busy routine of his. He guessed maybe Singh had the right idea after all, bringing in another CSI.

…..

Midway through the next week, Iris walked through the front door silently, careful to close it as quietly as possible in case Barry was sleeping. Her father had called her, asking her to check in on him during her lunch break. Barry had finally decided to take a sick day, and although Joe was relieved that he was taking the day off to rest, he was very apprehensive about leaving Barry home alone.

Iris told him she would check on Barry around one to make sure he was alright. He still got confused sometimes, and both of them knew that it was not a good idea to leave him alone for extended periods of time.

Iris climbed the stairs to go to Barry's bedroom. When she found the room empty, she was immediately alarmed.

"Barry?" she called throughout the house, quickly making her way back down the stairs, "Barry, are you here?"

As she reached the kitchen, Iris met a sight that made her blood run cold. Barry was lying on the floor next to the open refrigerator, his eyes closed.

"Barry!" she yelled, reaching him in an instant. She tried to shake him awake. His eyes cracked open slightly.

"Barry? Can you hear me?" she asked him, "What happened, Bar?"

"Iris," he muttered, closing his eyes again, "I couldn't…I couldn't get up. I tried. I c-couldn't get..."

"It's okay, Barry," Iris said shakily, "I've got you. I'm here now."

She pulled out her phone, speed dialing Caitlin as she felt Barry go limp in her arms.

"Caitlin, it's Iris," she said tensely into the phone, "It's Barry. I went to check on him, and I just found him on the floor. He's pretty weak. He was speaking to me a second ago, but I think he just passed out again," she told her, seeing that Barry had become unresponsive.

"Okay, Iris, I'm leaving now," Caitlin told her through the phone, "In this traffic I should be there in about fifteen minutes. In the meantime I need you to listen carefully to my instructions."

Iris took a deep breath to try to clear her head of the panic that was threatening to consume her.

"Okay," she said, "What do I need to do?"

"I had Joe hide a couple of emergency kits under the sinks in both bathrooms. Grab one of them," Caitlin instructed.

Iris ran as fast as she could to the bathroom, grabbing the small, black bag she found under the sink. She wasted no time getting back to Barry, who was still unconscious where she had left him.

"Okay, I got it," she said, opening the bag. It was full of medical supplies.

"Okay," Caitlin said, "I need you to pull out the syringe labeled 'Glucagon'."

Iris looked frantically through the bag until she found the object she was searching for.

"Got it," she said.

"Alright, the medication is predrawn for you and ready to inject. Listen carefully," Caitlin said clearly, "First make sure Barry's head is turned to the side to prevent choking in case he vomits."

Iris quickly tilted Barry's head sideways. He didn't respond in the slightest to her touch.

"It has to be given subcutaneously," Caitlin said, "which means you have to find an area of skin on Barry that you can pinch. I know that's a little difficult right now, but do your best."

Iris tried to pinch the skin on Barry's arms, but he had lost so much weight, there wasn't any fat there _to_ pinch.

"Caitlin, I can't find a good spot," she cried.

"Try his stomach," Caitlin said calmly, "That's the best place on most people."

Iris lifted Barry's shirt to expose his torso, feeling sick to her stomach when she noticed that she could see every one of his ribs protruding from under the skin. She hadn't realized he had gotten that bad. She tried not to look at his ribs and to focus on the task at hand.

"I'll be there soon. Just hang on, Iris. You're doing great," Caitlin praised, "Once you've found a good site to inject, you need to clean the area of skin with an alcohol swab and then uncap the needle on your syringe."

Iris did as she was told, but upon looking at the needle, she felt herself growing dizzy.

"I don't think I can do this, Caitlin," she admitted, looking away from Barry and the needle in her hand. She felt like she was going to be sick.

"Yes, you can, Iris. I know you can," Caitlin urged.

"Caitlin, please," Iris said, panicking.

"Iris," Caitlin said calmly, "Take a deep breath. Barry needs you right now. You need to try to stay calm."

"No, Caitlin, what if I mess it up? We should wait until you get here, so you can do it the right way," Iris reasoned, feeling tears slide down her face.

"Iris, Barry needs this _now_. If his glucose levels drop any lower, he could fall into a coma or start seizing at any moment."

Iris let out a sob, but then took a few deep breaths.

"Okay," she said shakily, "How do I inject it?"

"It's pretty simple," Caitlin said, relieved that Iris had calmed down, "Just pinch the area of skin and dart the needle in at 45 degrees. It's short enough that it shouldn't go in too deep. Then just slowly inject the medication and pull the needle out while still holding down the plunger."

Iris did as she was told, flinching when she stuck in the needle.

"That's it?" she asked when she was done.

"That's all for now," Caitlin said, "Good job, Iris. Just keep a close eye on him now until I get there. Cover him up with a blanket if you can. He needs to preserve body heat."

Iris followed the last of Caitlin's instructions and waited anxiously for the few more painful minutes it took for Caitlin to get there.

After giving Barry a complete assessment, Caitlin gave Barry more emergency glucose and connected a saline drip to his PICC line. Once his vitals improved, together they both moved him to the couch where they waited for him to wake up.

Barry stayed unconscious for another few hours, during which time Caitlin gave him several different medications and took his vitals countless times and Joe came home in a rage that he wasn't called sooner.

When Barry woke up, his head was throbbing and he felt extremely nauseated. He glanced around the room, trying to figure out where he was and what had happened.

"Barry," he heard Iris say as her face swam into view, "Hey, Barry, how are you feeling?"

"Buck—" he choked, "Bucket. Grab a bucket."

Caitlin managed to bring a small trash can up next to Barry just in time to catch the vomit that had risen in his throat. She gave him a sip of water before he laid back down, taking deep breaths and looking even paler than usual, if that was even possible.

"What happened, Barry?" Caitlin asked.

"You tell me," he said, looking confused.

"Your blood sugar was 38, Barry," she told him, "And that was _after_ Iris gave you emergency glucose. I don't even want to know what it was when she found you."

"I'm sorry," he muttered, "I waited too long."

"Too long?" Joe asked.

"To eat," Barry answered, "I was too tired to get out of bed. When I finally did, I couldn't get to the fridge in time. Next thing I knew I was on the floor. I…I couldn't get up. I tried, but I couldn't. I couldn't reach the phone. I couldn't yell for help."

They knew by the shakiness of his voice that Barry was close to tears. The event had obviously been terrifying for him, and he was clearly still shaken. Caitlin moved forward to hug him.

"It's alright, Barry," she comforted, "It's okay now. You're okay."

Barry didn't care about his pride anymore as he let the tears fall and hugged Caitlin back, his arms wrapping around her like a vice.


	13. Discouraged

Caitlin spent the night at the West house that evening. As his doctor, Caitlin knew Barry would be fine once they got his blood sugar back up, but as his friend, she still worried about him and wanted to keep an eye on him. Barry had always just assumed that Caitlin was just very thorough with her job, but in actual truth, she took extra medical precautions with him because she cared about him.

Yes, Caitlin was usually somewhat uptight, but she had never fretted over a patient as much as she did with Barry. She had never been so emotionally attached to someone she treated, and she tried her best not to let it cloud her judgement.

She monitored Barry regularly throughout the evening. He tried to give off an air of calmness, but they all knew he was still shaken by what had happened. Sure, he had passed out before—that wasn't new to him—but he had never felt so helpless, lying on the floor, unable to get back up. The phone had been sitting within his sight on the counter, but he hadn't been able to reach it. He had been simply too weak to get up off the floor, and he had never felt more vulnerable and pathetic in his life. He had yelled as loud as he could, hoping maybe a neighbor would hear him and come to help him, but no one had come before he lost consciousness.

Barry was exhausted, but he had a hard time quieting his thoughts enough to fall asleep, and when he finally did, his dreams were plagued by feelings of not being able to move and images of his friends and family standing and looking down on him while he struggled to get up and pleaded for their help. He woke with a start, sitting up in bed and breathing heavily. He looked around, but the room was dark and he couldn't see anything. The lamp on his nightstand suddenly turned on.

"Barry?"

Caitlin stood next to his bed, a concerned look on her face as she saw his panicked expression.

"Hey, Barry, it's okay. It's okay. It was just a nightmare."

Caitlin had been sleeping on the air mattress they had set up for her next to Barry's bed. She was woken by Barry talking in his sleep. His words had been incoherent for the most part, but she thought she heard him saying "help me" a few times.

She sat on the edge of Barry's bed and took his hand. Barry continued to take deep breaths, looking into Caitlin's eyes to ground him back to reality. His breathing steadied.

"That's better," Caitlin praised, "Nice, slow breaths."

"I'm sorry," Barry muttered, embarrassed.

"Don't be, Barry," Caitlin told him sternly, "I'm not here just as your doctor, but also as your friend. I _want_ to help you with these things. Do you want to talk about it?"

Barry shook his head, trying to blink back the tears in his eyes.

"No," he said, "I think I just want to go back to sleep."

"Okay," she said gently. She stood up from his bed and waited for him to lay back again before turning the light off. "Goodnight, Barry," she said, settling back down on the air mattress.

"Goodnight," he muttered, closing his eyes. After a moment, Barry spoke again, "Caitlin?"

"Yeah?"

"When…How…How long is this going to last?" he asked in a strained voice.

Caitlin sat up and propped herself up on her elbow to face him, but she couldn't see him in the dark.

"It's okay, Barry. I know today was scary for you, but you're okay now. We're not going to let that happen again."

Barry didn't respond. He sat in silence, contemplating her words.

"Barry?" Caitlin asked in the darkness.

"That's not what I meant," he said quietly. He paused for some time. Caitlin waited anxiously for him to elaborate. "I…I want to know how long we're going to keep this up. How long are we're going to keep trying a treatment that we all know isn't working?"

"Barry," Caitlin said urgently, "That's not true. You need to just give it more time. I know you're tired and that it's been a slow and frustrating process, but you need to see it through and hang on a little longer. We'll help you through it. You're not alone in this."

Barry laid in silence, mulling over her words. Yes, they were all there for him. He knew that. It didn't change the fact that this was happening to _him_ , to _his_ body, and _his_ life. He wasn't selfish enough to not realize that all their lives were also being affected by his illness, but in the end he still felt like he was going through it alone, despite how badly they wanted to be there for him.

From the start, accepting their help had been a challenge for him. He had always had trouble accepting help from others. Growing up in Joe's house, Barry as a kid had often felt that it was his duty to pull his own weight as much as he could. He already felt like a charity case, so he always tried his best to otherwise be as independent as possible, an attitude that stuck with him into his adult life. He had always been more comfortable being the one _giving_ help, not the one receiving it.

"Thank you, Caitlin," he said, "For everything."

"Your welcome, Barry," she replied, dismally feeling that her words hadn't been much consolation to him.

…..

Everyone was dumbfounded and not very happy the next day when Barry decided to go to work. They all wanted him to take another day off, and Iris had even offered to stay home with him and watch Netflix all day, something Barry normally didn't have time to do.

Like always, though, Barry was adamant about going to work. He even let Caitlin take his blood sugar before leaving to prove that he was okay to go in. Joe said he would check it again later at work to make sure he was still okay. Caitlin had shown them all how to use a glucometer so that they could continuously check his blood sugar throughout the day.

"Feeling better, Mr. Allen?" Carl asked when Barry walked into the lab.

"You could say that," Barry answered, "And please, Carl, how many times do I have to tell you? Just call me Barry."

"Right, sorry, Mr. Al—Barry," Carl said nervously.

Normally, when Barry came back from a sick day it was to find a mountain of case files on his desk for him to catch up on. He was surprised and pleased, however, to find that, with Carl here, that wasn't the case. Carl had managed to get through most of the cases on his own. Barry just had to read through them and sign off on them. He had to recheck and change a few of the tests that Carl did, but for the most part, Carl had done a good job.

Carl was pleased that Barry approved of his work. Knowing that Barry could have done a much better job, he was surprised that Barry had allowed him to do cases on his own at all. He didn't expect to be working with someone who would actually teach him so much and trust him enough to work cases on his own so soon.

Some cases, however, were beyond Carl's level of expertise, which was why he was grateful to have Barry to turn to.

"I haven't been able to do much with this one case that came in yesterday," Carl told him, "It has me pretty stumped."

Barry spent several minutes looking over the case file and the evidence that had been collected at the scene. He grinned suddenly.

"I have an idea," Barry said excitedly. He quickly crossed the room and grabbed something off of one of the shelves there. Carl gasped when he saw what he was holding.

"No way!" he exclaimed, "Is that a Laser Ablation Inductively Coupled Plasma Mass Spectrometer?!"

"It is," Barry said smugly, "This can scan the glass shards that were collected at the scene, and it should be able to tell us the force of impact of the bullet and the angle from which it was fired."

"That's incredible!" Carl said, amazed, "I've heard of them, but I've never seen one in person. It must have cost a fortune!"

"Actually, no," Barry said happily, "I begged the captain for years to get one for the department, but he shot me down, repeatedly. So I started working on building one myself."

"You _built_ that?!" Carl asked him, completely blown away.

"Well, I have some friends at STAR Labs," Barry explained, "They let me use the space and the equipment there. It's just something I worked on in my free time."

"Really? They just let you use their supplies?" Carl asked.

"Well, technically I own the facility," Barry said offhandedly. Carl's eyes grew wide in awe.

"You're the owner of STAR Labs?!"

"Sort of," Barry answered uncomfortably, "It was left to me by Harrison Wells after he died. It's all a little…complicated. It's not something I expected or really even wanted from that man."

"Why not?" Carl asked, puzzled.

"Like I said, it's complicated," Barry answered dismissively.

"So the people that work there now, your friends," Carl said, "They're your employees?"

"No way!" Barry laughed loudly, "It's definitely not like that with us. If anything they're my teammates. We all work together at STAR."

"That sounds amazing," Carl said, "I've always wanted to see the inside of STAR Labs. Is it true they have a proton splicer there?"

"Oh, that's not even the half of it. Some of the technology they have at STAR is unbelievable!" Barry said excitedly, "I'll definitely show you around there sometime. You're one of few people I know who will appreciate how amazing it truly is."

Carl grinned at Barry, glad that he was working with someone who was not only a forensic genius and the owner of what used to be one of the top research facilities in the country, but who was also a kind person and an excellent mentor. Honestly, Carl didn't know why Barry was working here. With his degrees and his knowledge and background in science, he could be doing much bigger things than running fingerprint scans and analyzing bullet fragments. He was way overqualified for his position. Carl just felt lucky for his own sake that Barry had decided to stay working for the CCPD.

He had only been working with Barry for a short time now, but he had spent enough time with the guy to know that something was off about him today. Granted, he _did_ just come back from a sick day, so he probably wasn't quite one hundred percent yet. Still, throughout the day Carl became aware that there was something about Barry that seemed wrong, and it had Carl worried for some reason he couldn't quite explain.

Not only did Barry seem beyond exhausted, but his mind didn't seem to be entirely there today.

"Carl, have you seen the stapler?" Barry asked at one point. Carl looked over at Barry's desk where Barry was sitting.

"It's right in front of you," he answered, looking concerned. Barry looked down. The stapler was an inch away from his hand.

"Oh, right," Barry laughed it off, grabbing the stapler and returning to his work.

"Are you feeling alright, Mr. Allen?" Carl finally asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Barry answered cheerfully, "Much better after taking yesterday off."

"It's just that, the way people around here act around you…" Carl continued, "It's like you're…never mind."

"Like I'm what, Carl?" Barry asked, his expression now serious.

"Never mind," Carl said again, "I shouldn't have—"

"Carl," Barry said, giving him a stern look.

"It's just that…I've heard that you're sick… _really_ sick," Carl elaborated, wishing he hadn't said anything in the first place, "I was just wondering if you should maybe take another day off, that's all."

Seeing the look on Barry's face, Carl now _really_ wished he hadn't said anything, but it was too late now.

"Thank you for your concern, Carl," Barry said calmly after a moment, "but I feel fine."

Barry turned back to his work, but he looked deep in thought. Carl turned away from him and went back to his own desk that Barry had cleared for him. The two scientists worked in silence for the next hour, their backs facing each other.

"Hey, Carl," Barry said eventually over his shoulder, "Did you finish the fingerprint analysis on the Hughes case yet?"

"The Hughes case?" Carl said, turning around to face Barry's back.

"Yeah," Barry answered, "All it needs is a quick fingerprint analysis, and then it will be done."

When Carl didn't answer, Barry looked around. Carl was staring at him with a confused and concerned look on his face.

"Mr. Allen, we filed that case last week. You gave it to the captain yourself. It's already done. It's going to trial in a couple weeks."

Barry's eyebrows furrowed as he strained to remember this.

"Oh, right. I remember now," Barry lied.

It terrified him. Normally, when someone reminded him of something that he had forgotten it would come back to him, but not this time. As he tried to recall the details of the case, he kept coming up blank. His head was pounding, which didn't help. His headaches had been getting worse lately and more frequent. He had been blaming his small mind slips lately on what Caitlin called 'chemo brain,' which apparently is an actual thing. This, however, was more than a simple slip of mind. This was bigger, and Barry knew he couldn't just blame his chemo this time.

"You know what, Carl?" he said, "I think I'm going to take your advice and take the rest of the day off. I'm still feeling a little tired today."

Carl looked relieved as Barry stood up and collected his things to leave. Of course he wanted Barry there, to learn from him, but the guy did not look well. He looked a little pale and clammy, and he wasn't acting like his usual self.

"I'm going to be taking these cases home with me, so I don't want you to worry about them," Barry said, feeling guilty to be leaving Carl alone again. In the back of his mind, however, Barry was still freaking out that he still couldn't remember that case. It was like his memory of it was just completely gone.

"Okay, Mr. Allen. I hope you feel better," Carl replied warmly.

"Could you make sure the Ortiz—sorry, I mean the Ottis case is given to the captain today?" Barry continued, "I finished it already. I just haven't filed it yet."

"No problem," Carl said, going back to his work.

"And," Barry continued, "I'll keep my cellphone on me. If you need anything or have any questions just give me a call."

"Barry," Carl said, finally calling Barry by his first name to get his attention, "Go home. Get some sleep. I'll be fine here."

"Thanks, Carl," Barry said, "I'll see you tomorrow then."

Barry smiled gratefully at Carl before leaving the lab. Little did Carl know, Barry would not be coming back the next day, nor for the rest of that week for that matter. Neither of them knew it then, but that was the last time Carl would be seeing Barry in their shared lab for a long time.

…..

Still feeling guilty about leaving, Barry made his way down the stairs to see Joe.

"Hey, Barry," Joe said, "How's your day going?"

"Not too good," Barry answered honestly, "You guys were right. I should have taken the day off today. I just can't focus on anything. I think I'm going to go home and get some sleep, come back fresh-minded tomorrow."

"Okay," Joe said, relieved to see that Barry was being reasonable, "I'll go home with you. Just let me grab a few things first."

"You don't have to do that, Joe," Barry insisted, "I know you have a lot to do here. I'll be fine on my own. I'm just going to get some sleep."

"I don't know, Bar," Joe pressed, "I really don't like the idea of leaving you alone again after everything that happened yesterday."

"I'll check my blood sugar as soon as I'm home," Barry said impatiently, "That's not going to happen again."

"Okay," Joe said, not quite convinced, "I'll drop you off then."

"Really, Joe, I think I can drive myself," Barry said, crossing his arms.

"I don't know, Barry," Joe urged, "I don't know if you should be driving if you're not feeling well. Are you feeling dizzy or anything?"

"No," Barry answered truthfully, "I swear, Joe, I'm just tired. It's only a few blocks away. I can handle it."

In the end, Barry managed to convince Joe to let him go on his own. He would take Joe's car home, and later Joe would just drive his squad car home instead.

Joe had an uneasy feeling as he watched Barry exit the precinct after giving him his keys. He knew it wasn't a good idea, but he didn't want to belittle Barry by not allowing him to drive himself. Any shred of independence Barry could keep would be good for him. Against his better judgment, Joe allowed Barry to leave, and as he returned back to his work, he made a mental note to call Barry later to make sure everything was alright.

Forty minutes later Joe hung up the phone after receiving Barry's voicemail for the third time. It wasn't like Barry to not answer his phone, and Joe was growing more worried with each passing minute. He knew Barry was probably just sleeping, and that's why he wasn't answering, but a feeling in his gut told him that something was wrong, _very wrong_.


	14. Crashed

Joe was just considering hopping into his squad car to run home and check on Barry when his phone rang. He answered it on the first ring.

"Hello? Hello? Barry?" he called into his cell. There was no answer. After a few seconds, Joe could make out the sound of quiet sobs on the other side of the phone.

"Barry? Are you okay?"

No answer.

"Barry?!" Joe called into the cellphone, already making his way out to the parking lot, "Barry, it's okay, I'm coming home. I'll be there soon."

"I'm not at home," Barry's voice finally said from the other side of the line. It was raspy and shaky, and it was followed by another sob. Joe felt his blood run cold.

"Where are you, Bar?" he asked frantically, "What's happened? Where are you?"

"I don't know," Barry choked, "I don't know where I am."

"Are you still driving?" Joe asked, getting into his squad car.

"Y-yes," Barry answered.

"Okay, listen to me, Barry," Joe said, trying to keep his voice calm so as not to cause Barry any further distress, "You need to pull over right away, okay?"

Barry didn't answer. All Joe could hear were his gasps and sobs. His breathing was quickly turning into hyperventilating. Barry was panicking.

"Barry, hey! Stay with me, Bar. Take a deep breath for me, okay?" Joe instructed. He heard Barry take a deep, shaky breath. "Good, Bar. Now please, tell me where you are. Anything you can see. Can you tell me what's around you? Are there any street signs? I'll come find you."

"I couldn't—I couldn't find our house. I couldn't find it," Barry sobbed, "So I just kept driving. I couldn't remember the way. I couldn't remember. I—"

"Barry!" Joe nearly shouted into the phone as he spun out of the precinct parking lot, "Try to calm down for me, alright, and _please_. Tell me where you are!"

Joe drove frantically through the city, desperately searching for Barry's car. He could be anywhere. He had left the precinct forty minutes ago.

"I forgot where we _live_ , Joe," Barry said hysterically, not answering his question.

"I know, son, but it's going to be alright," Joe assured him, "Just please tell me where you are."

"I don't know," Barry said between sobs, "I just turned onto a street I don't recognize."

"Barry, I asked you to pull over!" Joe nearly shouted, now panicking himself, "Please pull over right _now_!"

"I forgot where we _live_ ," Barry cried, not listening to Joe, "How could I forget something like that? Joe, what's happening to me?"

"Barry, listen to me!" Joe yelled, growing more and more panicked, "Pull over! Just pull over, okay? Pull over, Barry!"

"How could I forget that? How could I—" Barry's sentence was cut off abruptly by a sharp gasp, which was shortly followed by an earsplitting crash. Joe felt as if all the air had been sucked out of his lungs.

"Barry!? BARRY!" Joe shouted, but there was no reply. The silence that followed the crash was deafening.

Joe continued to shout Barry's name into his phone, but there was no reply. He drove frantically throughout the city, panicked tears welling up in his eyes as he hoped against all hope that nothing was wrong, that Barry and him were simply disconnected or Barry had hung up. But he knew better. Even in his desperation he knew that wasn't the case. Barry was hurt. He was hurt somewhere.

Joe turned on his police radio, hoping to hear something about Barry over the radio waves (or maybe, hoping _not_ to hear something).

After a few terrible minutes, he finally heard it. The call.

_"Dispatch to DC52. We have an accident on the corner of Dalton and McKinley. Unidentified driver appears to be a young, caucasian male in his mid-twenties. EMS has been dispatched. Driver appears to be in critical condition. ALS intercept and fire department are in route."_

Joe's mouth became dry when he heard the words 'critical condition'. He put on his lights and sirens. He swerved to make a right, nearly causing an accident himself, and he made his way to the intersection of Dalton and McKinley. Even though he knew there was no hope, he still couldn't help but think to himself, _Please, let it not be Barry. Please._

When he pulled up to the scene, all he could see at first were flashing red and blue lights. There were already several cop cars and an ambulance at the site. Groups of onlookers were standing some distance away, curiously watching everything that was happening. Joe didn't look at any of them as he pulled up though. He only had eyes for the car. With a sinking feeling he recognized it as his own. It was Barry.

The car was demolished. The front of it was completely compacted as though from a head on collision, but the entire thing also looked like it had rolled a couple times before coming to a stop. Debris littered the entire street, showing just how much ground had been covered by the accident. From where Joe was, the twisted, angry metal of the car allowed for no view of the driver inside.

Joe jumped out of his squad car as soon as it was parked and ran towards the vehicle.

"Hey, Joe. Good, you're here," Officer Davies said, blocking his path, "Do you maybe want to start doing traffic control? This side street here should be blocked off and—"

Joe impatiently sidestepped the officer, going around him to reach the car. Even though he was practically sprinting, Joe felt like he was moving in slow motion as he approached the mangled vehicle. There were already two paramedics there. One was standing next to the driver's side of the vehicle reaching in through the open door, while the other had managed to climb into the back seat of the car and was using his gloved hands to stabilize Barry's head and neck from behind.

When Joe got his first sight of Barry, he felt like his insides had been dipped in a bucket of ice water. Barry's face was almost unrecognizable from all of the swelling and bruising that had already started to form. His nose was certainly broken, and he had a large cut above his left eye that was flowing blood down the rest of his face and neck. The entire front of the vehicle had been compacted inwards, and the steering wheel was now pressing painfully onto Barry's chest, while the dashboard had collapsed completely on his legs, crushing them.

Nothing was harder for Joe to see, however, than the look of pure terror that was on Barry's face as the paramedic next to him carefully slid a cervical collar around his neck to immobilize his head. Joe stepped forward to try to comfort Barry, but the paramedic standing next to the car held out a hand.

"Sorry, officer, I need the space here to work on him. You'll have to case the scene after we get him out."

The paramedic thought Joe was just another officer responding to the accident.

"How—How bad is it?" Joe asked fearfully, watching as the medic applied gauze to a large, bleeding wound on Barry's abdomen, which was difficult considering the steering wheel that was in the way.

"When we first arrived he seemed to be having some sort of seizure," the medic responded, not looking up from what he was doing with Barry, "That's probably what caused the accident, if that helps you with your accident report."

"A seizure?" Joe asked, shocked.

He couldn't take his eyes off of Barry. He could see now that his entire body was trembling and his hands were still spasming slightly. Whether it was from the seizure or just from the adrenaline and stress, Joe had no idea. Barry was having a hard time breathing, no doubt from the fact that he had to have several broken ribs and the steering wheel was still compressing his chest. Barry's breaths sounded labored and strained. He had blood pouring from his nose into his mouth which probably didn't help his breathing situation. His eyes were open, but the swelling in his face prevented him from opening them entirely. It was enough, however, for Joe to see that they were filled with pain and sheer terror.

"How bad are his injuries?" Joe asked shakily, desperately wishing he could comfort Barry but not wanting to get in the paramedics' way of saving his son. The paramedic could barely even reach into the vehicle enough to care for Barry as it was.

"We're just trying to get the bleeding under control until we can get him out of here. We're waiting on the fire department. They'll have to take the car apart to get him out," the paramedic said while putting a nonrebreather mask on Barry and hooking it up to oxygen, "I think we might end up calling flight for life for this one, officer. He's lost a lot of blood, and there's bound to be some internal bleeding."

Joe paled. He couldn't believe this was real, that this was actually happening. An hour ago, he was handing Barry his keys. Now this. It had all happened so quickly. Joe didn't take his eyes off of Barry while they waited for Fire Rescue to arrive. He looked so scared and confused. Joe watched the sporadic rise and fall of Barry's chest with each strained breath he took.

A small whimper escaped Barry's throat when the medic applied more pressure to his abdomen. His hand came up slightly in a reflexive movement to guard against the pain, but other than that Barry didn't move or speak. He just breathed. He breathed through all of it.

The paramedic managed to pull Barry's wallet out of his pocket and glanced at it before handing it to Joe.

"Looks like his name is Barry Allen," the medic told him, turning back to his patient, "In case you want to notify his family."

"That's not necessary," Joe said quietly, "I'm his family."

The paramedic gave him a shocked look, but then nodded and went back to treating Barry, now calling him by his first name as he told him everything that he was doing to try to keep him calm while they waited for the fire department.

"Okay, Barry," the medic said in a reassuring voice, "I'm just going to try to slide the seat back to relieve the pressure on your chest. You just focus on your breathing and try not to move, okay?"

Barry couldn't nod because of the collar and the person behind him who was still holding his head still, but he blinked at the medic in understanding. When the paramedic slowly and carefully tilted the seat back, Barry let out a muffled cry, and a few tears escaped his eyes, sliding down his cheeks to mingle with the blood that was already there. The medic continued to offer words of reassurance as he returned to applying pressure to Barry's abdominal wound. Joe had never felt more helpless in his life as he watched.

While they waited for the fire department, Joe called STAR Labs and briefed them on what had happened. They said they would be ready for Barry when they got there.

"Hey, Joe," an irritated voice said behind him as he was hanging up his phone. It was Officer Davies again. "What do you think you're doing just standing here? We could all really use your…"

Officer Davies' facial expression changed when his eyes fell on Barry in the car.

"Oh, Joe," he said sympathetically once he had recognized who it was that the paramedic was treating, "Come on, you shouldn't be standing here."

The officer placed a hand on Joe's back and attempted to steer him away from the wrecked vehicle, but Joe pulled away.

"I'm staying right here, Bill," Joe said stubbornly, "I'm not going anywhere."

"Joe, you can't help him now," Officer Davies said gently, "Let the medics treat Barry. There isn't anything you can do to help by staying here."

Joe's jaw was set as he stubbornly stared the officer down. Officer Davies gave him a sad look before finally giving up and walking away to go back to directing traffic.

When the fire department finally arrived, Joe stood back while they dismembered the vehicle to get Barry out. The medics wasted no time rapidly extracting Barry onto a longboard, and he was then strapped down onto a stretcher within minutes with blocks on each side of his head to keep his spine aligned. His bleeding had worsened after being moved, despite their best attempts not to jostle him.

The paramedics got Barry into the ambulance immediately, wanting to transport as soon as possible. They paused before getting into the vehicle though when they were stopped by Joe.

"You can't take him to the hospital," Joe said urgently.

"Are you crazy?!" one of the paramedics said, "He needs medical attention!"

"They can't help him at the hospital," Joe said, "He has to go to STAR Labs. They're the best chance he has."

The paramedics looked flooringly at each other.

"And why is that?"

"Just trust me," Joe said, "He's my son. I know what's best for him. He has special medical needs that only STAR Labs can accommodate."

The medics continued to look puzzled. One of them looked down at his watch.

"We don't have time for this. We have to transport him now. I'm sorry, sir, about your son, but we can't just take a patient to a different location because their family member requests it. This is a critical trauma. DOT protocol says that we have to transport him to the nearest trauma center, which in this case is St Andrew's. The decision to transfer him to a different facility will have to be made at a later time, when he's in a more stable condition."

Joe's hand moved to rest on his gun in his hip holster, but he didn't draw it. Both paramedic's eyes flitted to it nervously. Joe's eyes were dark as he spoke to both of them again, looking at each of them in turn.

"I don't give a damn what your protocols are," he said dangerously, "We're taking him to STAR labs."

The older paramedic looked nervously at the other one and said, "Get in the driver's seat. We're going to STAR laboratories."

The other one nodded uncertainly and climbed into the front of the vehicle, starting the engine, while Joe and the older paramedic got into the back with Barry.

Joe watched helplessly while the paramedic continued to work on Barry. Everything about Barry screamed pain. He had multiple nasty-looking lacerations on his arms, legs, torso, and face. After the medic had cut Barry's shirt off, Joe could see that the wound on his abdomen was larger than they had thought and organ tissue was visible outside of the wound.

Barry's left eye was now swollen shut, and it was clear that he had several broken bones, the worst of which seemed to be in his legs, which had been crushed by the dashboard. A few of the bones were visible, jutting out through the broken skin at odd angles. His right ankle was almost completely severed, hanging on by just skin and sinew.

The sight made Joe's stomach churn. Barry seemed to be partially conscious. He was making small whimpering noises every time the medic touched him.

"Take it easy!" Joe yelled at the paramedic, "He can _feel_ what you're doing to him!"

The paramedic looked irritated, but he thought it best not to say anything. This was why they didn't allow family members to ride along in the ambulance.

He applied gauze that was soaked in sterile saline onto the eviscerated abdominal wound and added several layers of gauze on top of that.

"Is there anything I can do?" Joe asked desperately.

"Here," the paramedic said, gesturing towards Barry's stomach, "Keep applying pressure to that."

Joe didn't worry about applying gloves. He just rushed over and started pressing down on the gauze that the medic had just applied. Barry groaned when Joe pressed down, but Joe didn't pull away. He continued pressing on the wound. Joe soon felt warm blood seeping through the dressings and onto his hands, but he didn't care. All he cared about now was helping Barry.

"His vitals are dropping," the medic announced, checking Barry's blood pressure, "He's going into hypovolemic shock."

Barry started coughing up blood, and the medic had to suction his airway so that he could breathe. Joe wanted so badly to take Barry's hand to comfort him, but his hands were occupied with applying pressure to Barry's abdominal wound.

The paramedic stepped around Joe to work on Barry's legs. His right femur bone was protruding out of the skin and bleeding profusely.

"He has a major arterial bleed here," the paramedic said fearfully, applying a tourniquet around Barry's upper thigh, "If we don't get him there soon, he's going to bleed out."

…..

Caitlin and Cisco were on edge as they waited outside of STAR Labs for the ambulance to arrive. Caitlin ran through everything in her head. She had all of the supplies she needed waiting upstairs for them. She had plenty of gauze, suturing supplies, and even surgical equipment ready if they needed it. She even had blood on hand for Barry. Since he couldn't receive blood from anyone else, they had saved some of his own blood for emergencies such as this one. She just hoped that three pints would be enough.

As they stood there anxiously, Caitlin ran through everything in her head again and again. She was prepared. She had everything in place to treat Barry. When the ambulance pulled up and Barry was quickly unloaded, she felt her blood run cold. She wasn't prepared. Nothing could have prepared her for this.

They took control of the gurney, quickly wheeling it into STAR Labs and into the elevator. Joe hung back to take care of the paramedics. Caitlin wasn't sure how he had managed to convince them to take Barry here and not to a hospital, but she didn't concern herself with it. She was just thankful that he had.

Once they were in the elevator and rising, Caitlin started to assess Barry's wounds.

_Multiple lacerations and fractures. Airway is clear. Breathing inadequate._

She turned the meter on the oxygen tank up to 15 liters per minute. Caitlin tried to focus on Barry's injuries and not on the fact that he was staring at her with eyes fill with pain while she worked. The elevator dinged, and they rushed to wheel him into the medical bay. They didn't put him on the medical bed but instead transferred him onto a surgical table.

"Cisco, switch his oxygen to the STAR Labs tanks," she commanded, "This one's running low."

He followed her directions while Caitlin continued her initial assessment.

_Uncontrolled abdominal and femoral hemorrhaging._

"Cisco, I'll need that blood. All of it," she ordered, as she tried to stop the bleeding, "I already have it warmed and ready to transfuse."

Cisco returned with the blood just as they were being rejoined by Joe. He gave Joe a sympathetic look, knowing that as scared as he was feeling, Joe must be feeling even worse.

As Cisco started connecting Barry to monitors, he watched Caitlin start the blood transfusion and then return to treating Barry's injuries. Cisco didn't understand how she could remain so calm. It was like she had completely blocked out the fact that this was Barry and had entered full on doctor mode.

"Push one of epi," Caitlin ordered. Cisco tried to put aside his own panic as he quickly found a vial of epinephrine and injected some into Barry's PICC line.

"No change," he said looking at the monitor. Barry's blood pressure was 82/46 and still continuing to drop.

"Push two more then!" Caitlin yelled, her calm façade cracking slightly as she pulled out surgical supplies.

Caitlin felt a hand close around her wrist. She looked up to see Barry staring at her, his eyes pleading. She gently removed his hand from her wrist and set it back on the table.

"It's going to be okay, Barry," she said, injecting a large dose of anesthetic into his IV, knowing it wouldn't have much effect on him, "It's okay. I've got you. Just breathe."

Joe stood back in the doorway while the two of them worked on Barry. His legs felt like jelly, and he felt like he was going to collapse. He looked down and realized that both his hands were dark red. They were still saturated with Barry's blood. _Please_ , he thought, _Please let him make it._

Suddenly Joe saw a movement to his right, and he turned to see Iris approaching.

"Dad," she cried, running to him and hugging him, "How is he, Dad? How's Barry?"

Joe didn't even bother to ask how she knew. He figured Caitlin or Cisco must have called her.

"He's in bad shape," he said honestly, pulling out of the hug to look at her, "They're still trying to stabilize him."

Iris turned and looked into the medical bay to see them working on Barry. Caitlin was draping him for surgery, but his eyes were still open.

"Iris, can you come in here please?" Caitlin asked calmly, although there was a hint of shakiness to her voice. Iris rushed forward in an instant, standing on the opposite side of the table, looking at Barry in horror. She instantly felt dizzy. There was so much blood, and between the organ tissue visible from his stomach and the bones jutting out from legs, Iris felt like she was going to be sick. Joe came to stand next to his daughter.

"I have to open him up and see what's going on inside him," Caitlin said quietly to her, "I've given him all the pain killers and sedatives I can, but he's still conscious. I need someone to keep him calm while I cauterize the bleeds."

Iris nodded, tears already streaming down her face. She turned to face Barry while Cisco assisted Caitlin with putting on a surgical gown and sterile gloves.

"It's okay, Barry," Iris comforted, "I'm here. I'm right here for you. Caitlin's going to make you better, okay?"

He didn't say anything. He just continued to breathe heavily through the oxygen mask as he looked at her with tear-filled eyes. Iris grabbed a clean towel and wiped some of the blood off of his face and out of his eyes.

"Okay, I'm starting now," Caitlin said, grabbing a scalpel. When she made the first cut, Barry's entire body tensed up even more.

"Barry, it's okay, it's okay," Iris whispered to him, "Just look at me, Bar."

Iris gently took hold of his hand. It was slick with blood, and she could feel that a few of his fingers must have been broken. He squeezed her hand tightly nonetheless.

As Caitlin started to explore the wound, Barry started to whimper. Tears streamed down the sides of his face as he crushed Iris's hand.

"It's okay, Barry. It's okay," Iris whispered repeatedly to him running her fingers through his hair with her free hand. Joe cringed when Barry let out a sharp cry.

"You really can't give him more morphine?!"

"I can't, Joe. His liver. I've already given him too much. Suction, please, Cisco," Caitlin said firmly. Looking pale, Cisco suctioned the blood from the cavity so she could see the source of the bleeding.

When Caitlin started to cauterize one of the bleeds, Barry screamed and started to move. Iris held down the arm closest to her. Cisco grabbed hold of the other arm, while Joe rushed forward to gently hold down Barry's legs.

Barry pushed weakly against them all, but they held him down easily. He started to vibrate slightly as he continued to cry. As Caitlin cauterized another bleed, the smell of burnt flesh wafted through the air and filled their nostrils.

"Please. Stop," Barry said weakly through the mask, speaking for the first time since the accident.

"We can't, Barry," Caitlin told him, "I'm so sorry. It'll be over soon. If you feel like passing out, don't fight it, okay? Just let yourself pass out."

"What's happening?" he cried, "Why are you doing this to me?"

They all felt their hearts break.

"Barry," Joe said, "Caitlin's helping you. I know it hurts, but she's fixing you. She's almost done, okay?"

"Please," Barry said weakly, "Stop."

Barry lasted only a few more seconds before he finally passed out.

"I think I've got the bleeding under control," Caitlin said after a few minutes, "I'm not going to close the wound up yet though. I have to move on to his leg."

They had to cut Barry's jeans off in order to access his legs. Caitlin quickly fixed the arterial bleed in his leg so that she could remove the tourniquet before it caused tissue damage. Even after controlling the bleeding, Barry's vitals still continued to drop.

"His BP is 64/30, Caitlin," Cisco said worriedly.

"I know," she said, drawing up more medications.

"He's not going to last much longer."

"I know!" Caitlin yelled frantically, "I've got the bleeding to stop now, but he's lost way too much blood. His systems are going into shock from low blood volume. I've already transfused all of the blood that we had saved up. All we can do now is push epi and hope his vitals stabilize."

She wrapped a heated blanket around Barry's legs. Resetting the bones was not a priority to her right now. Right now, all she cared about was the fact that Barry was not improving. His respirations were slowing, and his vitals were bottoming out.

"He's diaphoretic," Caitlin muttered, feeling how cold and moist Barry's pale skin was, "Cisco, get the crash cart. We need to be ready."

Cisco pushed the crash cart next to the table and turned on the defibrillator. They all waited anxiously for Barry's vitals to either improve or to crash.


	15. Shattered

"His BP is rising," Cisco finally announced after Caitlin had injected her fourth round of epi. They all breathed a little easier.

"Is he stable?" Joe asked desperately.

"He's better," Caitlin said weakly, "His vitals aren't quite where I want them to be, but I think he's past the worst of it."

Iris was still in tears, bawling as she clutched at her dad's jacket. He held her tightly as he looked at Barry, tears starting to form in his own eyes. It was just like the night that Zoom had nearly killed him. In some ways it was worse. At least that night Barry had stayed unconscious afterwards. They were just thankful that he had passed out when he did. Caitlin still had a lot of work to do before he would be better again.

Caitlin set to work on Barry's other injuries. She started with his ankle. Reattaching it would be a lengthy procedure and one that she wanted to do while he was still out.

As Iris watched what she was doing, she felt her stomach churn. Barry's foot had been nearly amputated. The sight was too much for her, and she felt bile rise in her throat. She put her hand to her mouth and ran to the trash can, gagging.

"Come on, baby girl," Joe said, putting a hand on her back, "Let's wait outside while Caitlin cleans him up."

Iris nodded weakly, tear stains etched down her cheeks. They both went out to the Cortex to wait. Iris couldn't stop crying, and Joe comforted her while they both waited anxiously for Barry to recover.

"Why, dad?" Iris asked, "Why was he driving? What was he thinking?!"

"I let him leave," Joe said quietly, "I gave him the keys."

Iris stared him blankly before she became hysterical.

"Why would you do that?! Why would you let him drive?!" she nearly yelled.

"Because I didn't want him to think I didn't believe in him," Joe said sadly, "I wanted to believe that Barry was still okay. That he was capable enough to do things on his own."

"And I get that, dad," Iris said, "I really do. But _driving_?!"

Joe felt the tears in his eyes brim over.

"I know," he said shakily, "I know. I would do anything to change it. I wish I could take back the moment that I handed him those keys."

Joe covered his face with his hands, his elbows braced against his knees as his body was wracked with sobs.

"Dad?" Iris said sadly, "It's okay, dad. I didn't mean to blame you. This isn't your fault. It isn't anybody's fault."

"I couldn't get him to pull over," Joe said weakly, his voice cracking, "I was on the phone with him...when he got in the accident. I begged him to pull over, but I couldn't get him to listen to me. He was panicking, and I couldn't calm him down. And then I heard the crash," Joe sobbed a few more times, "That sound, Iris. I keep hearing it over and over. I'll never be able to get it out of my head."

Iris felt a chill run down her spine, not just from what he was saying but also because she never sees her dad this way. Usually he remains calm and level-headed in any situation, but now he was crying uncontrollably. She put a hand on his back.

"He was lost and confused, Iris," Joe continued, "He couldn't remember the way to our house. He had forgotten where we live. He was so scared…"

"Dad," Iris said quietly, "It's okay now. Barry is going to be okay. Caitlin will fix him."

"And then what?" Joe asked worriedly, "How is this going to affect his recovery? He's already so sick. This is going to make everything so much worse now."

"Barry heals fast, dad," Iris said confidently, "He'll heal from this. He'll be okay."

"Iris, did you see all that blood in there?" Joe said incredulously, "He shouldn't have bled that much. His healing isn't working right. He normally would be starting to heal right now."

Iris considered his words silently. Truthfully, she didn't know how fast Barry normally healed. The only time she ever really saw it for herself was after his fight with Zoom. The fact that he went from being paralyzed to running around the city again within a few short weeks made her believe he could come back from anything. Now, she wasn't so sure.

A while later their thoughts were interrupted by Cisco walking out of the med bay to approach them.

"How is he?" Joe asked immediately.

Cisco shifted slightly before answering.

"He woke up again while Caitlin was working on him, but it didn't take him too long to pass out again. He's stable now, but Caitlin said he's not healing properly. It's going to be a while before his injuries repair themselves."

"Is Caitlin still working on him?"

"She's got him mostly patched up now. She just has to finish a few sutures. We'll need some help moving him off of the table when she's done."

Iris and Joe both followed Cisco back into the medical bay. Caitlin was still there, stitching the cut above Barry's eye. When she was finished they all set to work washing the blood from Barry's body and then transferred him off of the surgical table and onto the medical bed.

"When is he going to wake up?" Iris asked anxiously, sitting in a chair next to Barry's bedside, looking at his bruised face. Barry had several braces on his arms and legs, and his cuts were now sutured.

"Hopefully not any time soon," Caitlin said, "He's going to be in a lot of pain when he does. It's better that he sleeps through it. His body needs to rest in order to heal."

"How is his healing now?" Joe asked her.

Caitlin stepped forward and pealed back some dressings to check Barry's surgical wound. She sighed.

"It's still slowed. The seizure and the accident took a lot out of him."

"But he'll be okay, right?" Iris asked, her voice thick from crying, "He'll come back from this?"

Caitlin gave her an unsure look, which didn't exactly raise confidence for everyone in the room.

"The bones in his legs were shattered in some places," she said heavily, "His body has been through a lot today, and when you add his illness on top of all that…"

Caitlin sighed and rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands.

"Barry is probably not going to be getting out of bed any time soon," she said quietly.

"Just because his healing isn't what it was, it doesn't mean he's not still healing," Joe said stubbornly, "He still heals faster than most normal people, right?"

"Yes," Caitlin said gently, "but his superhealing can only do so much for him in this case. We still have to account for his illness. It's all very complicated."

"How is this going to affect his treatment?" Iris asked.

"I don't know," Caitlin said unsurely, "It's likely that I'll have to postpone the treatments so that he can have time to heal."

Iris and Joe exchanged worried looks. Joe voiced what they were both thinking.

"What about the cancer?" he asked quietly, "Won't that spread and get worse if he's not getting the CP22?"

Caitlin nodded sadly, "It's the only option we have now though. He can't handle the chemo when he's in this state. His body can't take it."

"So, what?" Iris asked frustratedly, "All of the progress we've made, all that Barry has had to suffer through to get here, it was all for nothing?"

"No," Caitlin said quickly, "If he hadn't been getting those treatments, the cancer would have gotten out of control a long time ago. The CP22 has kept it at bay so far."

"What about now though? Now it's going to be worse than ever," Iris said worriedly.

"This is all my fault," Joe said quietly. They all looked at him.

"Dad, I already told you. This isn't anybody's fault," Iris told him desperately.

"I let him drive," Joe said, "I knew better, but I let him anyways. And now he's going to get sicker, because of me."

"Joe, please don't do that to yourself," Cisco said, "You know Barry wouldn't want you to blame yourself for this. No one could have known this was going to happen."

"Yeah, but I should have," Joe said, "He didn't seem right, when he left the station. He seemed…off."

Joe let out a heavy sigh, "His memory is getting worse."

"I'm going to take a few scans," Caitlin said, "I doubt they're going to tell us anything new though. The tumor in his brain has definitely grown. It's compressing different parts of his brain and affecting him more. I'm sure that's what caused the seizure."

"Is there anything you can do for him?" Iris asked desperately, "Can you stop this from happening again?"

"I can prescribe him some anti-convulsants and prophylactic supplements, but there's not much I can do about the tumor without doing chemotherapy. We can try doing memory exercises to prevent further deterioration of his memory though."

"Memory exercises?" Joe said skeptically, "That's the best we can do?"

"I'll see if there are any more medications that I can give him, but I'm trying really hard not to overmedicate Barry right now. His fast metabolism makes it so that I have to give him extremely potent forms of each med and in very high doses. His liver function is still impaired, and if I give him too much, I could risk causing further damage."

Caitlin was starting to feel overwhelmed by the complexity of Barry's medical situation. They all shared her frustration with how things had progressed. Joe and Iris remained at STAR labs for the remainder of the day and well into the night, wishing that their very presence could make Barry better.

…..

Barry didn't wake up until later in the evening around eleven o'clock. He didn't open his eyes right away, but his facial expression must have changed because a moment later he heard Joe's voice.

"Barry?" he said, "Are you awake?"

Barry turned his head away, still not opening his eyes. He felt a hand placed on his shoulder.

"Dad, maybe we should just let him sleep."

Barry cracked his eyes open. Iris and Joe were both standing next to his bed looking down at him. He was able to take in their anxious expressions for only a moment before he was hit by the tidal wave of pain that was his entire body. He inhaled sharply, causing Joe's hand on his shoulder to tighten very slightly.

"It's okay, son," Joe said quickly to him, "It's okay. You're okay. You're okay."

But he wasn't. He wasn't okay. Barry's entire body felt like it had been hit by a train. Sharp spikes of pain radiated up from his crushed legs, and each breath was agony in his lungs. His head felt like it was going to split in two.

Barry couldn't move as he took deep gasping breaths, trying to understand the sheer level of pain he suddenly found himself to be in.

"Barry," he heard Iris say. He tried to refocus his eyes to look at her. Joe was gone now. He must have left to get Caitlin. "Barry," Iris said again, "It's alright. I'm here for you. Just breathe."

Barry tried to move his arm, but Iris quickly reached out to touch it.

"Don't move, Bar. Try to stay still, okay?"

"What…happened?" he asked between painful gasps.

"You were in an accident," Iris told him quietly, leaning closer to him so his eyes could focus on her easier, "You had a seizure while you were driving."

Barry remained silent for a moment as he took in this information.

"Did I hurt anyone?" he asked, his voice cracking.

"No," Iris answered him quickly, "No one else was hurt. Don't worry about that, Barry."

Barry let out a strangled sigh of relief.

"Thank God," he breathed, his eyes filled with tears.

Cisco, Caitlin and Joe all re-entered the room, Caitlin quickly rushing over to check Barry's vitals, which were slightly elevated now.

"How are you feeling, Barry?" Caitlin asked, checking his blood pressure. Barry didn't know what to say. He didn't know how to express the stabbing sensations that were pulsating through his legs or the sharp spike of pain he had in his side with every breath he took.

His vitals and his eyes must have said it all though because a moment later Caitlin injected something into his IV.

"This is an extremely potent form of morphine," she told him, "It would probably kill a normal person, but for you, it should just help take the edge off a bit, but it's not going to take away all of your pain."

A few moments after she injected the substance, Barry felt the pain subside slightly, although it was still quite intense. Still breathing heavily, he looked around at all of them. They were all watching him anxiously.

With them all looking down at him, Barry abruptly felt his face burn. He wished they all wouldn't stare at him like this when he was in pain. He suddenly felt extremely foolish and embarrassed.

"I'm sorry," he muttered to all of them. They exchanged confused looks.

"You have nothing to be sorry about, man," Cisco said, "What the heck are you apologizing for?"

"I caused the accident," he said quietly, "I did this."

Barry's eyes burned with tears as the magnitude of everything that had happened crashed down on him and overwhelmed him.

"Barry, no," Iris said sympathetically, "This isn't your fault."

Barry didn't look at her but instead looked at Joe.

"I'm so sorry, Joe," he said, his tears now brimming over, "Your car…"

"Barry, please," Joe said sadly, "Stop apologizing. It was my fault. I'll never forgive myself for letting you drive. I should have known better."

Joe blaming himself didn't make Barry feel any better. He covered his face with his hand, and he couldn't stop his body from suddenly being wracked with silent sobs.

"Oh, Barry," Caitlin said quietly, placing a gentle hand on his arm.

"I told myself I wouldn't let any of you see me like this again," he choked, still shielding his face with his hand and looking down, not wanting any of them to see him cry.

"Barry, please," Iris said, stooping down to try to peer into his face, "Please, talk to us. It's okay."

She gently guided his hand away from his face so she could look him in the eyes.

"This isn't your fault," she told him firmly, "None of this has ever been any of your fault."

She cupped her hand around the back of Barry's head and gently pulled him forward to press his face into her shoulder, holding him tightly while he let his tears fall as he clung to her for comfort.

…..

Throughout the week, Barry was periodically frustrated by the thought that he would normally have been healed by now. After Zoom, he had been upset when he couldn't feel his legs. Now he would have given anything _not_ to feel them. The first two days, he could barely move without causing himself intense pain, and he relied on a steady drip of morphine just to get through the day. By the third day, however, the pain started to subside, and on the fourth day Caitlin was able to take the braces off of his arms and legs.

Joe and Iris took turns spending the night at STAR labs with Barry. He was never alone for the entire time that he was recovering from the accident. Cisco and Caitlin remained with him during the day. Cisco was there for moral support while Caitlin helped Barry with his physical therapy.

"That's good, Barry," She said, letting go of his leg, "See, you're doing it all on your own now without my help."

Barry strained to keep his straightened leg lifted off of the bed. He was grinding his teeth and sweating from the effort and the pain.

"Three…two…one," Caitlin said, looking at her watch. Barry let his leg fall with a thud. He let out a gasp of relief.

"You're doing great, Barry," she told him, covering his legs back up with the blanket.

"It doesn't feel like I've accomplished all that much," he muttered.

"You could barely move your legs without my help a few days ago," Caitlin pointed out, "I'd say you've accomplished quite a bit."

"When can I get out of bed?" Barry asked, "When can I try walking?"

"It's only been a week, Barry," Caitlin told him, "You need to give it more time."

"It's been a week and a half," Barry corrected, "When I was recovering from Zoom I was already starting to walk by then."

Caitlin sighed and gave him an exasperated look.

"First of all, last time you weren't walking at this point; you were just standing. Secondly, that situation was completely different from this one."

"Yeah, you're right," Barry said stubbornly, "It was _worse_. I was _paralyzed_ that time. So this time I should be able to recover a lot faster."

Caitlin shook her head.

"You know that's not how it works, Barry. There are other factors involved now. Your healing isn't the same now as it was then."

Barry let out a frustrated sigh. Caitlin took a step closer to him.

"I know it's hard for you," she said, "being confined to that bed, but don't worry. We'll get you up and walking in no time. You just have to be patient."

Cisco knocked as he entered the medical bay.

"Are you guys done with PT for today?" he asked them.

Barry looked questioningly at Caitlin.

"Yes," she said, grabbing her things and heading for the door, "He's all yours."

"Come on," Barry groaned, "Do we have to do this today?"

"Hey," Cisco said sternly, "You're going to hurt my feelings now. What? You don't like hanging out with me?" he asked jokingly.

"Hanging out with you? Yes," Barry said, "Doing stupid memory exercises with you? Not so much."

"Oh, come on, dude. They're not _that_ bad," Cisco said, sitting down next to Barry's bed.

"I just don't see why I need them," Barry said stubbornly, "My memory hasn't been that bad."

"Yeah, forgetting where you live is completely normal," Cisco said sarcastically.

"I mean it hasn't been bad since that happened," Barry said quietly.

"Barry, I'm not doing this to torture you," Cisco said sincerely to him, "We just don't want you to get worse now since we stopped doing your treatments. It's my job to keep you sharp, so come on. Let's just do this."

"Fine," Barry huffed, admitting defeat.

"I decided to mix it up today," Cisco said, "I think the flash cards were a starting to get a bit tedious."

"You think?" Barry muttered.

"So I thought I'd do something that would be more familiar to you," Cisco said grinning in spite of Barry's less-than-enthusiastic attitude. He pulled out a single sheet of paper.

"What's that?" Barry asked exhaustedly.

"It's a list of Central City's police codes," Cisco said enthusiastically, "I'm going to say a code, and you're going to tell me what it means."

"Cisco," Barry sighed, "This is silly."

Barry had to hand it to him though. Cisco never ceased to be upbeat and enthusiastic about everything he did, and Barry appreciated how much effort he was putting in to try to make this fun for him.

"Alright, go ahead," Barry groaned, waving his hand at Cisco, gesturing for him to begin.

"Okay, Barry," Cisco said happily, "What's a 10-79?"

"A bomb threat," Barry answered immediately. "Give me a hard one," he said, unable to stop a small smile from spreading on his face.

Cisco rolled his eyes at him before looking back down at his list, grinning at the small victory of making Barry smile.


	16. Supported

Iris walked into the medical bay holding a container full of brownies for Barry. She wasn't sure if bringing them was a good idea. He wasn't as nauseated lately now that they had stopped giving him chemotherapy, but his appetite still wasn't the greatest, and she didn't want him to feel obligated to eat them if he wasn't feeling well. Still, Caitlin said it was best that he try to gain weight while he still could, so Iris was constantly trying to persuade him to eat as much as he can.

As she walked into the med bay, Iris was surprised to find that Barry wasn't in there, and his bed was empty. She set the brownies down in the room and quickly walked back out through the Cortex, looking for him. She found Barry, along with Caitlin and Cisco, in a separate room.

Barry was walking between two long beams, bracing his hands on each beam for support. Cisco followed behind him, providing support by gripping onto the gait belt Barry wore around his waist. Caitlin walked closely alongside them, monitoring Barry's progress.

"Iris!" Caitlin said happily, "Look what Barry can do!"

Iris grinned along with Caitlin as she watched Barry take another step. Barry didn't look up at Iris when she entered the room. He was sweating, and his face was set in concentration as he strained to keep putting one foot in front of the other, pushing through the pain of it. The bones in his legs were mostly healed, but it still caused him intense pain to bear weight on them, especially on his reattached ankle. Barry gritted his teeth and persisted, determined to make it to the end of the row.

Iris watched happily as Barry pushed himself, but she was also partially nervous. She silently prayed for Barry not to fall. She knew that if he did, he would be crushed, and he would be discouraged despite all of the progress he had made.

Iris heard someone behind her and turned to see her father enter the room.

"He's doing so much better now, isn't he?" he said quietly to her, smiling as Barry thankfully made it to the end of the bars. Cisco helped him ease back into his wheelchair.

"That was great, Barry!" Caitlin said happily, "Soon you won't need that chair at all!"

Barry smiled at her as he breathed heavily, sweat gleaming on his forehead from the activity.

"When can I go home?" he asked her excitedly.

Everyone's smiles fell at the question, and they all looked nervously at each other. Barry noticed.

"What?" he asked all of them, "What is it?"

"Everyone, can I have a minute alone with Barry, please?" Caitlin asked seriously.

All of the happiness that had filled the room a moment ago had now evaporated. Everyone nodded sadly at her before exiting. Iris looked back at the two of them as she was leaving. Caitlin had sat down next to Barry and had taken his hand, smiling sadly at him.

"I wonder how he's going to take it," her father said as the three of them sat down in the Cortex.

They had already discussed the idea of Barry going home a week ago, and they had all agreed that it wasn't a good idea. Caitlin made it pretty clear to them that after Barry recovered from his injuries, they would have to resume treatment as soon as possible, and it was unlikely that she would be able to continue treating him at home.

Taking two weeks off from his chemotherapy made a huge difference. It was somewhat deceiving because Barry was now feeling a lot better without the CP22 in his system. He wasn't throwing up as much, and despite his injuries, he had a lot more energy. Yet at the same time, the tumors he had were growing and new ones were starting to form. Caitlin was watching them metastasize with unease the entire time Barry was recovering from his accident.

Iris, Joe, and Cisco sat in painful silence, waiting while Caitlin was in the next room telling Barry that he wouldn't be going home again, at least not for a long, long time. Iris felt a lump in her throat. She knew the news was going to kill Barry. He had been working so hard with his physical therapy, thinking the entire time that he would be able to go home once he was better.

Iris thought she heard Barry shouting from the next room, but she couldn't make out any of the words.

"Maybe I should go help Caitlin try to explain it to him," her father said, standing up.

"No, Joe," Cisco said, placing a hand on his arm, "Just let Caitlin talk to him. If more of us go in there, he's going to feel like we're ganging up on him."

Joe reluctantly sat back down, feeling useless. Iris felt the same way. She was getting sick of the feeling, the feeling of wanting so badly to help Barry but not knowing how.

Barry and Caitlin seemed to be in the room for a long time. When they finally emerged, Barry wheeled himself through the Cortex and back into the medical bay without looking at any of them. Iris had expected him to look angry or sad, but his expression was blank, void of all emotion as he disappeared into his room.

Caitlin paused briefly in front of them.

"How'd he take it?" Joe asked her nervously.

"About as well as you would think," she answered before walking after Barry, towards the med bay. Iris followed her into the room.

"Barry!" Caitlin exclaimed, rushing forward to take his arm and help him back into bed, "You shouldn't be transferring yourself. You need to have someone help you!"

Barry ignored her and didn't say anything as he leaned back against the pillows.

"Barry, I know you're upset," Caitlin said, "But please don't let this deter you. You really _have_ been doing a lot better."

Joe and Cisco hovered in the doorway, listening as Caitlin tried to console the broken speedster. Iris moved forward to sit next to Barry's bed, taking his hand. He didn't pull it away, but he didn't squeeze hers in return either.

"Barry," Iris said, "Barry, look at me."

Barry reluctantly turned his head to look her in the eyes.

"I'll be here for you, okay? I won't let you stay here alone. I'll sleep here every night if I have to."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" he asked bitterly, "Knowing that you and Joe are going to feel obligated to stay here with me? That you're going to be stuck here too? I don't want that, Iris."

She tried not to let his words hurt her. She knew it wasn't that he didn't want them there. It was that he didn't want them to feel like they _had_ to be there.

"Barry, we want to be here for you. We want to help," she told him, "Why do you keep pushing us away?"

"Because," Barry said quietly, "Dealing with all of this is bad enough, but knowing how much it affects you guys, knowing how you guys end up dealing with it too, it makes it all so much worse."

"That's what family is _for_ , Bar," Joe said to him, "We want to be there for you, but we can only do that if you let us."

Barry nodded sadly, staring at the wall.

"I'm sorry," he said, "I just really don't want t-to be a b-burden for…for…"

"Barry?" Iris said, her eyes widening in alarm when he started fumbling over his words. Barry's expression had gone slack, and he didn't look at any of them when he spoke.

"I d-don't want t-to b-be a bur-burden," he said again. Caitlin rushed forward, shining a light in Barry's eyes. His hands started twitching, and his eyes started to roll back into his head.

"He's having a seizure," Caitlin informed them in an urgent yet steady voice. She quickly lowered the head of the bed and pulled the pillows out of the way so that Barry was lying flat.

"He's what?" Joe asked, panic ascending up into his throat.

"He's seizing," Caitlin said, pulling the blankets off of Barry so they wouldn't be in the way.

Within a few seconds Barry started convulsing violently. All of his muscles contracted and his entire body jerked uncontrollably as his eyes rolled further back into his head. All of them were shocked by how suddenly it had started. A moment ago he had been sitting up and talking to them.

"Oh my God," Iris said, stepping closer to him.

"Nobody touch him," Caitlin ordered, "Cisco, I need you to grab me the phenobarbital."

Moving almost as fast as the Flash, Cisco got Caitlin what she needed. She quickly drew up the medication and carefully injected it into Barry's arm, but Barry continued to seize. He was drawing in short breaths of air through a series of sharp gasps, and his mouth was starting to foam.

"Isn't there anything more you can do for him?" Joe asked loudly.

"No," Caitlin told him, "He just has to ride it out. Don't try to hold him down. You could end up hurting him more."

It seemed to go on forever. They all stood by helplessly as Barry convulsed for another five minutes or so before his body finally went limp, twitching every few seconds after it was over. His breathing finally started to even out again, but it was still heavy and somewhat labored.

Barry was partially conscious as Caitlin checked his pupils again with her penlight.

"Barry, it's okay," she told him, knowing he was coming back to consciousness, "You just had another seizure."

Barry reached up shakily to grab her arm, trying to ground himself to everything that was going on.

"Caitlin," he muttered.

"It's alright, Barry. You'll be fine. Just take it easy, okay?"

"Why do I feel wet?" he asked her. Caitlin was confused for a moment, until she looked down and saw the large wet spot in the front of Barry's pants.

"Woah, that's awkward," Cisco said loudly.

"Cisco!" Caitlin hissed, glaring at him over her shoulder. She turned back to Barry, "It's okay, Barry. We'll get you changed, okay? Don't worry about it."

"What do you mean? What—?" Barry blushed suddenly, understanding what had happened. "Oh, God," he muttered, covering his face with his hands.

"It's alright, Barry," Iris said, her heart breaking to see him so humiliated, "It's okay. You don't have to be embarrassed."

"Yeah, man," Cisco said, "We'll help you get cleaned up. It's not like it's something we haven't seen before. We _did_ take care of you the entire time you were in a coma after all."

"Not helping, Cisco," Caitlin snapped.

Barry continued to cover his face and didn't say anything. He blushed furiously while Caitlin and Joe helped him change into new clothes and changed his sheets.

By the time the others returned back into the room, however, Barry was too exhausted to be embarrassed, and his eyelids were starting to droop.

"I think it's best we let him sleep," Caitlin told everyone, "The seizure took a lot out of him."

She dimmed the lights in the medical bay. She and Cisco left the room, allowing Iris and Joe to sit by Barry's bed while he drifted off into an uneasy sleep. His fingers twitched every once in a while, but other than that, Barry laid still.

"That was so scary," Iris whispered quietly to her father, tears in her eyes.

"I know," Joe said, looking sadly at Barry's sleeping face, "But it's over now. Barry will be just fine."

"You don't know that," Iris said sadly.

"Just watch, baby girl," Joe said surely, "Barry will resume his treatments in a couple days, and we're going to beat this thing. This nightmare will be over soon. It will."

Iris didn't say anything back. She knew her father was only saying the words to reassure her and probably also to reassure himself, as if saying them out loud would somehow make them true.

…..

"Yeah, I can understand why you would be unsure about that," Barry said into his cellphone. Joe walked into Barry's medical room and sat down next to the bed, listening.

"Yes, normally a luminol test would be a good idea, but if you smell bleach at the scene, then you definitely do _not_ want to use luminol," Barry said firmly into the phone.

"Bar," Joe said reproachfully, "I said no more work calls."

Barry waved him off dismissively, still holding the phone to his ear.

"Because, Carl," he said, "If bleach was used to wipe away evidence, then your luminol test will be inconclusive. An oxidizing agent like bleach is going to give you a false positive, and you would be contaminating the crime scene for nothing."

Joe gestured at Barry to end the call. Barry just gave him an impatient look and ignored him.

"I would use phenolphthalein. It doesn't work as good as the luminol, but it should be able to detect traces of hemoglobin without reacting with the residual bleach. There should be some of it in the lab."

" _Baarrry,_ " Joe growled.

"Okay, Carl. I have to go," Barry said reluctantly, "No problem! If you have any more questions, give me a call."

When Barry hung up the phone, Joe crossed his arms and glowered at him.

" _What_?!" Barry asked impatiently.

"You know what, Barry," Joe said, "You're supposed to be resting."

"I _am_ resting," Barry insisted stubbornly, "I've been in this bed all day."

"You have to rest your mind too, Bar," Joe said, just as stubborn, "All of this work stuff is going to put too much stress on your brain."

"My brain is fine, Joe," Barry asserted, "I've been doing those stupid memory exercises three times a day all week. My mind can take it."

"You just had a _seizure_ yesterday," Joe said severely, "Your brain is _not_ fine, Barry."

"Answering a few of Carl's questions isn't going to hurt anything," Barry insisted.

Joe rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands, letting out a heavy sigh.

"Bar, please don't make me take your phone away from you."

Barry opened up his mouth to retort, but their conversation was interrupted by the appearance of Caitlin coming in to recheck Barry's vitals for the seventh time that day.

"I'm pretty sure they haven't changed," Barry told her amusedly when she wrapped a blood pressure cuff around his arm.

She shushed him, listening carefully through her stethoscope as she took his blood pressure. She placed a pulse oximeter on his finger, her face falling when she saw his oxygen saturation. Sure enough, when she went to discreetly count his respirations, she could see Barry's shoulders moving as he was using accessory muscles with each breath he took. It wasn't obvious at first glance, but after observing his breathing for a moment or two, Caitlin could definitely tell that it was strained.

"Your oxygen's low," she told him, her voice even, "Are you having trouble breathing, Barry?"

"No, not really," Barry answered automatically. She sighed at his fib. She reached over to where they kept his nasal cannula next to the bed.

"I said I was fine," Barry said stubbornly. Caitlin ignored him as she positioned the oxygen tubing under his nose, securing the tubing in place around his ears. Barry didn't fight her though, and he didn't say anything when she turned the dial on the oxygen tank to cause a steady current of oxygen to flow into his nostrils.

"Barry, the tumors in your lungs are growing," Caitlin told him, "If you're feeling short of breath, you _have_ to use your oxygen, okay?"

"Okay," Barry answered flatly. Not entirely satisfied with his terse response, Caitlin continued to take his vitals. Barry's attention was drawn away from the doctor's fussing when Iris and Cisco entered the room.

"How are you feeling today, Barry?" Iris asked quietly, sitting down next to her father by his bed.

"I feel fine," Barry answered immediately, ignoring the pounding in his head. Caitlin scoffed at him but didn't say anything to contradict him as she continued taking his vitals.

"It's tomorrow I'm worried about," Barry said honestly, "I'm not looking forward to more of that CP22."

He tried to smile at them, but the fear plainly showed on his face.

"We're not going to use CP22," Caitlin told him quietly. Barry looked at her with a stunned expression. He hardly dared to let himself feel relieved, knowing that whatever would be replacing it was likely to be just as bad.

"Then what are we doing?" Joe asked, just as shocked as Barry. Iris also stared intently at the young doctor, waiting for an answer. Caitlin exchanged a look with Cisco before responding.

"The CP22 isn't going to work now," she told them, "The cancer has mutated. All of the lab tests and simulations that I've ran up to this point have shown that it is now immune to the CP22. I've tried altering the formula, but nothing seems to be working against it."

"What does that mean?" Iris asked shakily, "There's no cure for it?"

"There is no cure for cancer, Iris," Caitlin told her gently, "All you can do is treat it. It's strange though, the way that this thing is constantly changing. We need to keep in mind that this isn't normal cancer. Cancer is just the word that we're using to describe it. Whatever this is, it's adapting. It's fighting against any chemotherapy meds that I've simulated against it. None of them work. The chemotherapy isn't going to be enough now, but that doesn't mean we don't have any other options."

"So what were you thinking?" Joe asked.

"I think our best bet is radiation therapy," Caitlin informed them. Barry stared at her.

"Radiation?" Barry asked her.

"Yes, Barry," Caitlin said, "I think it's our best option. It's still going to be harsh on you physically, but at least I'll be able to give you dialysis for your kidneys while you're being treated."

Barry looked down at his lap, considering her words and taking in this new information.

"Why are you just telling us this now?" Iris asked, "The day before he's supposed to resume treatment?"

"I've still been trying to find an alternative," Caitlin said uncomfortably, "I was hoping to find a formula for a chemo med that would be effective, but I haven't. The radiation was always supposed to be somewhat of a last resort. I didn't want to have to use it if I could help it. Like chemo, it can have some nasty side effects, and the levels of radiation that we're going to have expose Barry to…"

She looked uncomfortably at Barry.

"What are my chances?" Barry asked her quietly. Everyone in the room went silent, looking at him in shock. "What's my prognosis, Caitlin?" he asked her.

Caitlin was taken aback. They all looked around at each other.

"Oh, come on," Barry said, "It's a fair question. Really, I should have asked it sooner."

"Barry," Joe said, "Don't do this. You shouldn't think that way."

"Actually," Barry said to him, "I think it's about time we all start considering the possibility that things might not work out the way we want them to." He looked around at everyone, "You guys still think of me as invincible, but I'm not, and my cancer is late stage after all. We need to start being realistic."

They all looked at him with sad eyes, crushed to hear him talking this way.

"Caitlin," Barry said sharply, turning to the doctor, "Answer my question."

Caitlin stared at him, her eyes pleading and her lips slightly parted open as she tried to figure out what to say. Barry didn't need Caitlin to say anything or answer his question. Her face said it all.

"That bad, huh?" Barry muttered. His face remained calm, but his fists were clenched under the sheets where they couldn't see them.

"No, Barry," Caitlin said desperately, "It's not! It's just…it's hard to say. You're a unique case, one of a kind really. I couldn't even begin to tell you any odds without any research or statistics to go off of. Yes, your cancer is late stage, but there are so many things that factor in with your condition, namely your speed, which is both a good thing with your superhealing and a bad thing with your hypermetabolism. It's just hard to say."

"But you have an idea," Barry pressed, "You know _some_ things."

Caitlin sighed.

"Yes, Barry, I do. Of course I can't fully guarantee that you're going to be alright, but I'm extremely optimistic. There are still plenty of things left for us to try yet."

"Yeah," Barry said unconvincingly, "Yeah, we can still try."

"Barry," Iris said, trying not to cry in front of him. She wanted to stay strong for him. "We're not going to let you…d-die. Okay? Please, just…just try not to think that way, alright? We need to stay positive."

"Positive," Barry snorted, "I can barely walk on my own, and meanwhile Zoom is still out there ready to attack again at any moment, and there's no one to protect the city. This whole situation is just fucked up, and telling me to be positive about it is _not_ going to help. I wish you guys would just let me kick it already so you can all move on with your lives."

They all stared at him with the same broken expression. This was the first time Barry, or anybody for that matter, had brought up the possibility of dying. It was something that none of them had wanted to consider, and definitely not something they wanted Barry to be considering.

"I'm sorry," Barry said suddenly, "I didn't mean that. I…I don't know where that came from. It just…I'm so sorry. I really do appreciate all that you guys are doing for me. It's just…dammit!" he clutched the sides of his head, "I can't think straight with these headaches. Their messing with my head. I'm so sorry, guys."

"Dude," Cisco said, "Stop apologizing. You have cancer. It's pretty much a free pass to say whatever the hell you want."

Barry didn't laugh, but a small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.

"Here, Barry," Caitlin said, handing him a medicine cup with two small pills in it, "This should help dull your migraine a bit."

"I'm good," Barry said stubbornly, trying to hand it back to her.

"Just shut up and take it, man," Cisco said, handing him a glass of water. Barry begrudgingly took the medication.

…..

Barry didn't sleep much that night, knowing what the next day would bring. He had a hard time getting comfortable now. He had lost so much weight that he now felt pain in all of the places where his bones jutted out when he was laying down. His breathing was worse at night, and he had to sleep with the head of the bed slightly raised so that he could breathe.

His searing migraines never seemed to cease, even with the analgesics Caitlin prescribed to him. His entire body ached constantly, and even though he was exhausted, Barry couldn't get comfortable long enough for him to fall asleep.

Joe laid awake on the cot set up a few feet away from Barry's bed, listening to Barry toss and turn. He felt terrible. Knowing that Barry was awake and miserable all night, Joe wasn't able to get much sleep himself. He heard Barry turn over and sigh again.

"Is there anything I can get you to make you more comfortable, Bar?" Joe asked desperately into the darkness.

"No," Barry answered flatly, "Thank you. I'm sorry that I'm keeping you up."

"Don't worry about it, Barry," Joe said sadly, "I just want you to be comfortable. I know staying here at STAR labs has been hard for you."

When Barry didn't say anything, Joe sat up from his cot and looked over at Barry's bed, but he had his back to him.

"Barry?" he whispered quietly, "Did you fall asleep?"

"No," Barry said, "Just thinking."

"About tomorrow?" Joe asked.

"Yeah."

"Don't worry, Bar," Joe comforted, "Everything will be fine. I promise."

They both knew it was a promise that Joe couldn't keep, but he sounded so sure when he said it, Barry couldn't help but feel at least a _little_ bit reassured, at least enough for him to eventually fall asleep, trying not to think of what tomorrow would bring.


	17. Irradiated

Cisco had built all of the machines and equipment necessary to administer radiation therapy to Barry right there at STAR labs. Barry had asked Caitlin not to share with Joe or Iris the details of what the treatment would do to him. He knew he would probably lose his ability to father children, and he knew that there would be some cellular damage from the radiation, although they didn't know yet what that would entail.

Normally radiation was used to target specific areas in the body that were infiltrated by cancer cells, but since Barry's illness was systematic, they had to administer all-over radiation to his entire body. Because of his superhealing, they had to expose Barry to extremely high levels of radiation, and none of them could be in the room with him when it was being delivered. They set up his treatments in the treadmill room where they could stand on the other side of the glass and talk to him while he was being treated.

In some ways, the radiation was worse than the chemo. The chemotherapy had made him tired and nauseated. The radiation, however, also made his entire body sore. At least, more sore than it already was before starting the treatment. Normally side effects of radiation didn't present themselves until a few days or even weeks after beginning treatment, but just after his first treatment Barry's joints and muscles were already starting to ache horribly, and Barry felt lightheaded when they guided him back to his room and helped him into bed, telling him that he had done a good job.

 _A good job?_ He thought to himself. It didn't take much for someone to just sit there while their entire body was being irradiated.

"What setting was that?" Barry asked them breathlessly, "How high was the radiation?"

Caitlin exchanged an unsure glance with Cisco before answering him, "It was the lowest setting. For you, at least. It was high enough though to kill a normal person."

Barry nodded thoughtfully, grateful for her honesty. Caitlin surveyed him with worried eyes.

"How are you feeling?"

He thought for a moment before answering her.

"Anxious," he said, "I'm just impatient to start seeing some results."

"Yeah, we all are, Barry," she said sadly, "But I meant physically, how are you feeling?"

"I know what you meant," he said quietly, "I think I just want to sleep now."

"Okay," she said lightly, sparing him one last glance before following Cisco out of the room. Iris and Joe stayed behind, watching Barry intently for any signs of distress.

"Can we get you anything, Bar?" Iris asked gently. He shook his head at her.

"Actually," he said suddenly, "I could really use my oxygen."

He was breathing heavily, and they knew that if he was actually asking for his oxygen, he must have really needed it. Joe lunged forward instantly to help Barry with the tubing.

"Do you want me to get Caitlin back in here?" Iris asked worriedly, concerned by his labored breathing.

"No," Barry said, "I should be fine now."

He closed his eyes and laid back, exhausted. After a moment he spoke again.

"It's a little hard to sleep with you guys staring," he said without opening his eyes.

"Sorry," they both muttered, looking away from him. Joe walked over to the wall to turn down the lights in the room. He and Iris both sat near Barry's bed, silently listening to the steady beeping of his heart monitor as Barry drifted into a light sleep.

His sleep didn't last long however. Just thirty minutes later, Barry suddenly woke with a sharp gasp.

"Barry?" Iris and Joe both said urgently, standing up to move closer to him.

"Get Caitlin," he choked, his face filled with fear. Iris ran as fast as she could from the room to fetch the young doctor. Joe put a concerned hand on Barry's shoulder.

"Barry?" he asked, but Barry didn't respond to him. He had reclosed his eyes and was keeping them squeezed tightly shut. His hands were shaking, and he was taking deep gasping breaths.

Caitlin appeared in the room within seconds, followed closely by Iris and Cisco. She approached the bed and knelt down next to Barry, seeing that he was clearly in severe pain.

"What's wrong, Barry?" she asked urgently, "What hurts?"

"Everything," he answered in a strangled, wavering voice. His hands were clenched into fists around the sheets, and he was sweating and shivering at the same time.

"It's okay, Barry," Caitlin answered, taking his pulse, "Just take a deep breath for me, okay?"

"I can't breathe," he gasped, opening his eyes to look at her. They were wide and filled with panic.

"Try to calm down for me, Barry," she instructed, placing a nonrebreather mask on his face so he could get more oxygen. "Tell me what's going on."

"Everything hurts," he said again, taking deep breaths from the oxygen mask.

"Okay, Bar," Caitlin answered, grabbing a syringe, "I'm going to give you some morphine, alright?"

He nodded gratefully at her.

"Okay, here it comes," she said as she injected the highly concentrated medication into his IV. The others stood back and watched, waiting anxiously for Barry to improve. Within a few seconds his hands loosened on the sheets that he had been clutching so tightly, and his breathing started to steady.

"Better?" Caitlin asked, knowing he was probably still in a considerable amount of pain. Barry nodded weakly, too tired to speak. His face looked green.

"I think I'm going to be sick," he said after a moment. Sure enough, a second or two later he yanked off the mask and started to vomit. Already anticipating it, Caitlin was ready for him with a basin.

"I thought. This was supposed. To go away," he said between gags.

"I'm sorry, Barry," Caitlin said, holding the basin for him, "Like chemotherapy, radiation treatments can also cause nausea and vomiting. I was hoping it wouldn't affect you this way."

"I thought I was done with this part," he groaned, retching again.

"I know, Barry. I'm sorry," she said again, rubbing his back.

Barry's stomach contracted until all of its contents were completely expelled and then some. When his nausea finally subsided, Barry leaned back against the pillows again, his eyes watering and his face covered with sweat. Iris placed a cold washcloth on his forehead, knowing that it usually helped him after all of the late nights she had spent sitting up with him when he was sick like this.

"Thanks," he said weakly to her, closing his eyes. "Sorry," he muttered.

"Why on Earth are you apologizing?" Cisco asked him incredulously.

"This is disgusting," Barry mumbled exhaustedly, keeping his eyes closed. "Sorry you have to deal with it," he slurred.

"Don't be sorry, Barry," Iris said sympathetically to him, but she wasn't sure he had heard her. He seemed to have drifted back to sleep already.

Barry woke up several times during the night to be sick, apologizing to them every time knowing that they were staying awake all night just to be there for him. All four of them spent the night at STAR labs, and they each took turns sitting up to watch over Barry while he slept.

…..

Around seven AM, Joe was paged into work, and reluctantly, he was forced to leave Barry's bedside. He would have refused, but he knew he shouldn't with how crazy things were in the city right now. Not to mention the favor the captain had granted him by taking care of the whole paramedic incident. Joe had never actually pulled his gun or even verbally threatened them to get them to take Barry to STAR labs. He had only implied it, so legally there was no foul play. Still, it was always nice to the have the captain on your side as a precaution.

Joe had a long day at the precinct, which was still very busy with all of the crime rates being so high. Despite all of the work he had to do, his mind kept reverting back to his sick son at STAR labs. It was impossible for it not to, especially with people constantly asking him about Barry's health status. Everyone knew about Barry's illness by now. Joe was telling people that it was leukemia. It would have been a little hard to explain to them that it was an extracellular mutation involving Barry's already genetically mutated metahuman cells that was caused by his face-off with a mysterious dark speedster named Zoom. Saying it was leukemia was much easier.

By now, everyone had also heard about Barry's car accident and the seizure that had caused it. A few of them had been on the scene that day, and the gory details of the wreckage were now common knowledge. Needless to say, Barry's coworkers felt extremely bad for him, and for Joe. Joe was starting to understand the frustration that Barry felt when all of their coworkers were constantly approaching him at work to offer their sympathy. Their regards were appreciated, but the reminders and the attention were unwanted. Joe now understood how Barry must feel at STAR labs with all of them constantly fussing over him.

People still referred to the lab upstairs as Barry's lab, even though Barry hadn't been there for a few weeks now. Joe avoided going up there if he could help it. It made him too sad to go into Barry's lab and not see Barry hunched over his microscope. If Barry, God forbid, didn't make it through all of this, Joe knew he would never be able to set foot in that lab again.

Today, however, Joe had no choice. He needed lab work done for a specific case he was working on, so he reluctantly climbed the stairs to Barry's lab. When he entered the lab, he could have sworn for a moment that it was Barry standing there holding up a flask to observe the chemicals it contained. He blinked a couple times, and Carl's form quickly took his place.

"Good morning, Detective West," Carl greeted cheerfully, setting down the flask.

"Morning," Joe said, trying not to sound too gloomy.

"How's Barry doing?" Carl asked sympathetically, "I didn't get to speak with him long yesterday morning, but he seemed kind of down."

"Yeah, about that, Carl," Joe said seriously, "I really need you to stop calling Barry with work stuff. He really needs to rest, and I don't want this CSI stuff to put more stress on him."

"Oh, of course!" Carl said sincerely, "I'm so sorry! I didn't realize. Of course I'll stop bothering him with work stuff. I didn't know it was putting strain on him."

"Barry would never admit to it," Joe said quickly, "If it were up to him, he would still be here in the lab working. He's not very good at staying within his limits, which is why I'm making this request for him. He doesn't know I'm talking to you about this, so I'd rather we keep it between us."

"Of course," Carl said, "I can always call the county CSI if I have questions. Between you and me, he's not nearly as good as Barry, but I'm sure he'll be able to help me out. If Barry calls to check in on me again, I'll tell him it's all covered."

"Thank you, Carl," Joe said sincerely, "It means a lot. Barry isn't doing too well right now, so it's good to have one less thing to worry about."

"Is he going to be okay?" Carl asked concernedly.

"Barry will be fine," Joe said for what felt like the hundredth time that week. It was starting to feel like just words to him now, an automatic response that no longer held any weight or meaning.

"I'm keeping the lab exactly how he left it," Carl said seriously, "Everything will be ready for him when he comes back."

"Thanks, Carl," Joe said gratefully, "I'm glad Barry has such a great coworker looking out for him."

"It's the least I can do," Carl said, "after all that Barry's taught me and done for me. I hope he gets better soon."

"Yeah, me too," Joe said quietly. After a slight pause he held out the papers he had brought up, "Sorry, I know you're busy, but I have one more case for you."

"No worries. I'll just add it to the stack," Carl laughed.

"You're doing a great job, Carl," Joe told him, "Barry's taught you well."

"I'm not as good as him," Carl said, blushing, "but thank you. It means a lot."

Joe gave him a small smile before leaving the lab, trying not to wonder too much about how Barry was doing right now after his first day of radiation and how much he wished he could be at STAR labs right now at his bedside. With a heavy feeling of guilt, Joe returned to his work.

…..

Barry spent the majority of the day in a haze. He slept periodically on and off, and he often woke up confused and disoriented. Caitlin told them it was most likely his brain adjusting to the radiation treatment, and hopefully his mental status would improve with time, especially once his brain tumor started to shrink.

In the late afternoon, Joe didn't waste any time returning to Barry's bedside after work. He headed straight for STAR labs, and he took the stairs to reach them, the elevator being too slow for him.

"How's he doing?" Joe asked Iris urgently when he entered Barry's room. Barry opened his eyes and looked at him.

"Well, he _was_ asleep," Iris said irritably, "Good job, dad."

"I wasn't really sleeping anyways," Barry lied, "Hey, Joe, did you check in on Camron for me today?"

"Yes, Bar, I checked on _Carl_ for you. He's doing just fine."

"That's good," Barry said, closing his eyes and smiling, "He's a nice guy. I hope Singh hires a new lab assistant and a CSI director soon. He shouldn't have to do everything on his own."

"I'm sure you'll be back there very soon to help him, Barry," Joe told him confidently, "Just give it time."

"Mmm," Barry said, falling asleep, "Maybe…"

"He's a little out of it today," Iris whispered.

"Yeah, I can tell," Joe answered sadly, looking at Barry's sleeping form, "Why doesn't he have his oxygen on?"

"He refused," Iris said simply.

"I thought we weren't taking no for an answer anymore," Joe said, raising his eyebrows at his daughter.

"I know," she said calmly, "But we don't have to fight with him either. I just put it on him once he's asleep."

Joe laughed lightly at that, "That's one way to do it I guess."

All of a sudden, Barry shot up in bed, taking deep, gasping breaths. Iris and Joe immediately moved closer to him, alarmed by the crushed look on Barry's face and the tears that suddenly filled his eyes, already starting to brim over. Barry didn't look at either of them but instead looked off to the side as if he was seeing something far away. His breath hitched, and his face screwed up as he started to cry.

"Barry?" Joe said, taking a step towards his bed, "What's wrong?"

Barry didn't seem to have heard him.

"Mom," he sobbed, "Mom, it's okay. You're okay."

"Barry!" Iris said fearfully, "Can you hear me?"

Barry tightly clutched the sheets in his fists as he let out another forceful sob.

"Your husband and son are okay," Barry said shakily through his tears, "They're both safe. I promise."

Comprehension dawned on both Iris and Joe. Barry was reliving the night his mother died as he had experienced it a year ago. Barry had never talked to them about what had happened that night, why he hadn't saved her. After everything that had happened with the Reverse Flash and the singularity after, Barry hadn't been eager to discuss it, and they hadn't pressed him.

"It's me, Mom. It's Barry," he choked, "Your Barry."

Joe grabbed Barry's shoulders and tried to shake him out of it, but Barry's tear-filled eyes remained focused on the ghosts that only he could see.

"Barry," Joe said, "It's not real, son. It's not real! You're not there right now. You're here with us."

"I got a second chance," Barry said shakily, not acknowledging Joe, "To come back here. To tell you that I'm okay."

Iris started to cry at the sight of Barry so lost and so heartbroken. Tears were falling freeing down his face, and his breath was still hitching between breaths.

"Dad and I are both okay," Barry choked, "and we love you, Mom. I love you," he said, sobbing uncontrollably. Iris desperately wrapped her arms around Barry, pulling him into a hug that she wasn't sure he could feel at the moment. It was all she could think to do to comfort him.

"Mom? Mom," Barry said brokenly, barely more than a whisper, "Mom."

His sobbing grew worse as he finally wrapped his arms around Iris, returning her hug. She held him there like that for a long time, letting him sob into her shoulder while deliriously whispering 'mom' over and over again.

That was the first of Barry's hallucinations.

…..

Within a few days of beginning the radiation treatment, Barry started to deteriorate further. He hardly ever got out of bed, and more times than not he was confused and disoriented. He spent most of his time asleep, but whenever he woke up, no matter what time that might be, there was always someone there. Joe and Iris took turns spending the night with Barry, and it was a good thing too because when Barry woke up in the middle of the night he was usually very confused and scared. There was no way they were going to leave him alone there overnight without his family by his side.

Barry was starting to look and feel more like a hospital patient. He refused to wear a hospital gown, but he had his nasal cannula on at all times now, and he had wires connecting from his chest to his 12-lead heart monitor. He was hooked up to an IV at all times, with multiple medications hanging in bags next to his bed. He wore a pulse oximeter on his finger that he was supposed to keep on all the time, but he often pulled it off out of annoyance. Every time he did this, his oxygen saturation levels on the monitor would drop, and Caitlin would run into the room in a panic. To her immense annoyance, Cisco often found this quite funny.

Since he was no longer receiving chemotherapy, Caitlin was finally able to give Barry dialysis for his kidneys. Joe usually had to leave the room when it was being done. The sight of Barry's blood being ran through tubes, filtered, and then ran back into him made Joe a bit queasy. Iris stayed in the room to hold Barry's hand, but she looked paler than usual as she watched the process. Barry was grateful to have Cisco and Caitlin there. Both of them stayed very calm, and Cisco cracked jokes the entire time, making the whole thing seem less serious.

Iris's boss had been very understanding of her situation regarding her sick friend. He had allowed her a lot of time off so that she could be there for him. However, Iris still had to go into the office once or twice a week to stay caught up with things. She always took her lunch hour at STAR labs though, and she always made a beeline for the facility once she got out of work for the evening.

Today was one of the days that Iris had to go into the office. Like always, she went to STAR labs on her lunch break to be with Barry. She stopped in the cortex briefly to talk to Cisco and Caitlin before going into his room.

"How is he today?" Iris asked them uncertainly.

"He was delirious all morning," Caitlin said sadly, "But you came at a good time. I was just in there with him a few minutes ago, and he's pretty lucid right now."

Iris smiled thankfully at both of them before making her way into the medical bay. Barry gave her a small smile when she entered his room, but his smile fell when he saw the takeout bags in her hands. Today Iris had brought food with her from three different places in town.

"Oh, Iris," Barry said, eyeing the bags apprehensively, "I can't today. I just can't."

"I got all your favorites though, Bar," she told him excitedly, "I didn't know what you'd be in the mood for, so I got you some pasta from Benvenuto's and some pastries from Jitters and some sushi from Sakura. I thought maybe if you had a bunch of different options to choose from it would be easier for you."

Iris sat down in her usual chair next to Barry's bed, setting her takeout bags down on his bedside table and smiling widely at him. Barry had to repress the urge to gag when the smell of the food hit him all at once.

"Iris, today's not the best day for this," he said weakly.

"It wouldn't hurt to just take a bite, Bar," she said happily, pulling out the container full of pasta.

"Iris, please," he said as she opened the container, the sight of the food repulsing him. "I haven't been feeling well all morning. I…"

Barry suddenly clasped his hand to his mouth when his stomach lurched.

"Bar?" Iris asked, her smile fading from her face.

"Get-tut-ere," he mumbled through his fingers, closing his eyes as he was struck by another wave of nausea.

"What?" she said, concerned.

"Get it out of here!" he nearly shouted, "All of it! Please!"

Stunned by his outburst, Iris hastily stood and removed the boxes of food from the room. She deposited them onto a table in the cortex and quickly made her way back to Barry. When she re-entered the room, it was to find Barry hunched over in bed, vomiting into a basin. She placed a hand on his back while he heaved.

"I'm so sorry, Bar," she said, rubbing his back, "I didn't know. I'm sorry."

"It's fine," he choked, the smell of the food still lingering in his nostrils. Iris took the basin from him when he was finished. Barry leaned back against the pillows again, exhausted. "I know you meant well. I'm just not feeling too great today."

"You were doing so well yesterday though," Iris said sadly, "I thought your nausea was finally getting better."

"So did I," he said tiredly. He ran both hands through his hair as he caught his breath, and Iris saw his expression change suddenly when he brought his hands back down to stare at them. That's when she saw the clumps of hair between his fingers.

"Barry…" she said, placing a hand on his shoulder. He brushed it off his hands and sighed.

"It's only hair," he said dismissively, his voice flat.

"Barry, I'm sorry," she said quietly.

"Don't worry about it."

"I bet you'll look good without hair," she said, giving him a small smile. He tried to smile back, a small twitch of his lips, but it seemed forced.

"Can you grab that garage there for me?" he asked her, gesturing behind her to the water bottle that was sitting on the side table out of his reach. She looked at him confusedly.

"Did you mean the water?" Iris asked.

"That's what I said," Barry answered, looking at her with a confused expression.

"Right, sorry," Iris said, turning to grab the water bottle for him. When she turned back around to hand it to him, it was to see Barry sitting there with his arms crossed, a strange look on his face.

"Is something wrong?" she asked, handing him the water. He took it with an irritated huff.

"Iris, I really wish you would at least _try_ to get along with her," Barry said in a harsh voice.

"W-what?" Iris said, looking at him with a confused expression. She didn't understand why he was suddenly glaring at her.

"Vanessa really is a nice girl, and if you would take the time to get to know her, I think you two would make great friends," Barry continued irritably.

"Vanessa?" Iris asked. Barry looked at her like she was being slow.

"Yeah," he said, "My girlfriend? She told me you guys had a fight at school today. Iris, you're my best friend, and she's my girlfriend. It's important to me that you two like each other."

"Barry," Iris said, looking at him with concern, "You're not still with Vanessa."

"I _am_ , Iris, and I really need you to just accept that. Please. You did this with Becky too. I know you're just trying to look out for me, but you can't mess with every relationship I'm in just because you don't like the girl I'm seeing."

"Barry," Iris said, "Listen to me. All of this happened a long time ago. We're not in high school anymore."

"I know you think it was Vanessa who forced me to quit the track team," Barry continued as if he hadn't heard her, "But that was _my_ decision. I chose to stop going to practice so I could be with her. She didn't _force_ me to do anything."

"Barry, you're confused right now," Iris said sadly, "You're not thinking straight."

She watched Barry worriedly as his breathing started to get heavier, his temper growing.

"Did I give you a hard time when you went out with Trent Robinson?" Barry seethed, "No! The guy was a total dick and I told you that, but you went out with him anyways. So you know what I did? I got to know him. I made an effort to get along with him for your sake, him and all the other jerks you've dated. The least you can do is try to get along with Vanessa for me."

"Is everything okay in here?" Caitlin asked, standing in the doorway. Iris looked at her with tearful eyes.

"He was talking normally a minute ago, but then suddenly he was just gone," Iris told her, her voice quivering.

"It's okay, Iris," Caitlin said, moving over to Barry to shine a light in his eyes, "He's been like this on and off all day."

Barry swatted her hand away harshly.

"I'm so sick of you damn nurses!" he said angrily, "Why can't you people just leave me alone? You've been harassing me all day. I'm exhausted, so just let me sleep already! Just get out of my room!"

"Barry…" Iris said, but Caitlin looked at her and shook her head.

"He doesn't know what he's saying right now," Caitlin said sadly, "Trying to reason with him is only going to further agitate him. Don't take any of it personally. He can't help it."

"Why does this keep happening to him?" Iris asked, tears in her eyes.

"I said GET OUT!" he shouted furiously at them, leaning forward in bed, "Just leave me be! Leave! Get the fuck out of my room!"

Iris broke out into sobs as Barry gave her a look of purest loathing, breathing heavily through his rage.

"Bar…" she said, outstretching her hand towards him. Caitlin touched her arm, shaking her head.

"We should probably just let him rest now," she said gently. Iris nodded reluctantly, letting out another choked sob before allowing Caitlin to steer her from the room.

Iris went back to work with an awful feeling in her stomach. It was terrifying to see Barry that way, so angry and unlike himself. Iris felt like she might break every time she thought about it and pictured the look of pure loathing Barry had given her. This was Barry, _her_ Barry! How could this really be happening?

She thought about how confusing it must be for him, completely fine one minute and lividly shouting the next. And on top of all that, he was still feeling so terrible. He was sick and confused and exhausted. Iris felt like she was holding back tears the entire rest of her shift at work. When she finally left work, Iris broke down the second she was in her car, clutching the steering wheel as she cried and sobbed. Why? Of all people, why did this have to happen to Barry?


	18. Visited

Later that week, Cisco tried to focus on the suit he was working on. He was building a suit that could withstand the high levels of radiation they had to expose Barry to. That way, one of them could wear it and potentially be in the room with him while he was being treated. Then Barry wouldn't have to go through the process so alone.

As he worked with the thick material, Cisco couldn't help but think about how much he'd rather be working on the Flash suit right now. He wished he could be building _that_ for Barry instead of a suit that would allow him to have someone with him while being blasted by enough radiation to kill an elephant.

He wanted so badly for things to go back to normal. He wished he could be prepping for the next major metahuman attack instead of the next cancer treatment.

He longed to go back into Barry's room to check on him again, but he felt like it wasn't his place. Caitlin had every right to go in there because she was his doctor, and of course Joe and Iris were always in there because they were his family.

Cisco didn't quite know where he fit into the equation. He was just Barry's friend. He spent whatever time he could in Barry's room, but at the same time, he wanted to give Barry's family their space and alone time with him.

When Barry had been in a coma, Cisco hadn't known him then. At that time, Barry was just a stranger that they were taking care of. He had been more than happy to let the West famiy be alone with him then. But Barry wasn't just some random comatose guy anymore. He was _Barry_ , and Cisco wanted to be there for him and support him as much as he could.

He was constantly trying to think of ways to cheer Barry up. He tried to occupy Barry's mind by playing board games with him, which worked at first, but now it wasn't as effective. Just yesterday, Cisco had gone into Barry's room, holding his own personalized version of Battleship that he had created.

"Come on, Bar," he had said, "You need to do something other than stare at the ceiling all day."

"Not today, Cisco," Barry had said wearily, "I'm just too tired."

Cisco hadn't been discouraged though. He resolved to try again tomorrow and the following days after that. Maybe board games were getting to be tedious for him. Maybe he should try playing a video game or something with Barry instead. Did Barry like video games? Cisco actually had no idea. Before, Barry never really had time to sit and play video games. He was too busy as the Flash. The idea was dismissed quickly though when Cisco remembered that they had taken the TV out of the room. Caitlin didn't want the flickering screen to trigger another one of Barry's seizures, and Barry had never wanted to watch it anyways.

Cisco was interrupted from his thoughts and his tinkering by the buzzing of his cellphone.

"Yo," he answered.

"Hey, Cisco. It's Felicity."

"Felicity, hey," he said warmly to her.

"Sorry to bother you. I tried calling Caitlin's phone, but I got her voicemail."

"Yeah, she's in with Barry right now," he answered glumly, "How can I help you?"

"I was just calling to see how he was doing with his treatments," Felicity responded anxiously, "I haven't heard from you guys for a while now, and all of us here in Star City were starting to get worried."

"Oh, sorry about that," Cisco said sincerely, "We've been trying to keep you posted, but it's hard to remember sometimes with everything that's going on here."

"So how is he?" she asked nervously, "How's Barry doing?"

"He's…" Cisco didn't have a clue what to say. Caitlin was so much better at these things than he was.

"…managing," he finished lamely, "His treatments are slowly starting to work, but his memory isn't really improving. I've been trying to help him with that, but he's usually too tired to do the memory exercises now."

"Oh, I'm so sorry," Felicity said sadly, "Is he still completely opposed to us coming to visit him? I really want to see him. We all do."

"Honestly," Cisco said, "I don't think he's really even with it enough right now to protest against it. He's been too exhausted lately to argue with us. I know he wouldn't like it though. It's not that he doesn't want to see you. I think Barry just doesn't want _you_ to see _him_ this way, under these circumstances."

"I understand," she said sympathetically, "but I wish he would answer my calls. I just want to talk to him at least _once_."

"He hasn't wanted to talk to anybody lately," Cisco told her, "I don't think Barry wants to talk about his illness. Now that he's staying at STAR labs, he's surrounded by it constantly. He doesn't ever really get any escape from all of this now, so if he doesn't want to call and discuss it with you, I wouldn't take the lack of communication personally. It's not just you. Barry has been shutting all of us out since this whole thing started."

"Do you think he'll get better soon?" Felicity asked anxiously. Cisco paused before answering.

"I don't know, Felicity," he said after a moment, "It's been a slow process. We're just taking it one day at a time."

"He _is_ going to get better though, right?" she persisted, "He's going to be okay? Eventually?"

"I hope so," Cisco said quietly. His answer, although honest, said volumes about the actual severity of the situation. Felicity took a few seconds to process his response before answering.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" Felicity asked desperately.

"I'm sorry, Felicity. I don't think so," Cisco said sadly, "If I think of anything I'll let you know, okay?"

"Okay," she said shakily, "Please send Barry my love. Tell him we're all praying for him."

"I will," Cisco assured her, "Thank you for calling, Felicity."

Cisco sighed after he had hung up the phone. He looked up to see Iris walking into the cortex.

"Where have you been?" he asked her, "Barry's been cognizant all afternoon, and he's been asking for you."

"I had to go and grab a few things," Iris said guiltily, holding up a shopping bag, "They're for Barry."

"It's not more food again, is it?" Cisco asked nervously, thinking about earlier that week.

"No," Iris said, "Although, I'm not too sure how he'll react to this. It might be a bit too soon."

"Too soon for what?" came Caitlin's voice from the other side of the room as she closed the door to the med bay behind her and joined them.

"I got this for Barry," Iris said, reaching into her bag and pulling out its contents.

"Oh," Cisco said when he saw what was in her hand. Caitlin didn't look surprised, but she maybe looked slightly anxious.

"How do you think he'll react?" Iris asked nervously.

"Only one way to find out," Cisco said, gesturing towards Barry's door. Iris let out a nervous sigh, looking anxiously at them for a moment before walking into the room, closing the door behind her.

…..

"Hey, Barry," she said softly upon entering the room. Barry's eyes snapped open, and he turned to look at her. Seeing her, Barry's face lit up as he gave her a wide grin.

"Iris," he said happily, "Guess what?"

"What?" she asked, smiling at his rare happy mood.

"Caitlin said my BUN and creatinine levels have lowered slightly. My kidneys might be starting to get better!"

"That's amazing, Barry," she said happily, grinning at him.

"What's in the bag?" he asked her, looking at the bag she held in her hands.

"Umm, it's for you actually," Iris said, her grin wavering slightly, "If you're ready for it."

He looked at her curiously as she sighed and then reached into her bag. It took him a moment to understand it when she pulled out an electric razor.

"Oh," was all he said.

"I know it's a bit early, Barry," she said hurriedly, "I just thought it might be easier if we got it out of the way now instead of waiting until…"

"Until nearly all of it had fallen out on its own," he finished for her, his face blank.

"It's your decision entirely," Iris said quietly to him, eying him nervously while he thought it over. His expression was unreadable as he considered it.

"Okay," he said after a moment.

"Okay?" she asked uncertainly.

"Yeah, let's just get this over with," he said, "We have to do it eventually. Why wait?"

"Are you sure?" Iris said, "I don't mean to pressure you. I only want to do this if you're ready."

"I'm ready, Iris," he said sincerely, "I'm not going to deny this anymore. I'm going to embrace it. I have to accept that this is my reality now, and denying it and fighting you guys isn't going to help anything. I'm ready. I'm ready to take this step."

Iris gave him a watery smile, proud of his determination. She knelt down and hugged him tightly, wiping the tears from her face when she pulled away.

"Okay," she said, "Let's do this."

…..

"Are you sure it doesn't look ridiculous?" Barry said, holding up the hand mirror.

"No, Bar. You look great!" Iris said smiling. Barry frowned at her. He looked back into the mirror he was holding up, running his other hand over his bare scalp.

"I don't know," he said, "It's just so…different."

"I know it's strange at first, but you'll get used to it, Bar," Iris said confidently, "It really doesn't look bad at all."

Barry didn't respond or look at her. He just continued to look into the mirror, his eyebrows furrowed as he took in his new appearance. There was a knock on the door. Iris looked anxiously at Barry.

"Do you need a minute yet?" she asked him quietly. He shook his head, setting down the mirror.

"No," he said, "Let them in."

Iris opened the door, and Caitlin and Cisco cautiously entered the small room, eying Barry anxiously.

"Well," Barry said, giving them a small smile, "What do you think?"

Cisco grinned at him.

"You might have to keep it like that permanently, man," he said, "Much more aerodynamic for running."

Barry snorted.

"Sure, Cisco," he laughed, "That's exactly what I was thinking when I decided to cut it."

They all laughed easily at that, the tension lifting from the room. Just then, Joe entered the room, still wearing his work uniform.

"What's so funny in here?" he asked, smiling lightly as he looked at each of them. When his eyes fell on Barry, his face fell ever so slightly.

"Wow," he said, giving Barry a small, uneasy smile as he took in his son's new appearance.

"I know it's a lot to get used to," Barry said to him, "It's a bit shocking at first."

"Yeah," Joe breathed, "I just wasn't ready for it. I didn't know this was coming so soon."

"Well, how long did you want to wait?" Cisco asked, "It's not like we were going to wait until he looked like Smeagol from Lord of the Rings."

Barry and the others all laughed at that.

"Does it feel weird?" Cisco asked him.

"I don't know," Barry said, running a hand over his head again, "My head feels colder."

Joe chuckled. Iris smiled as she reached back into her bag. Still smiling, she stepped forward with something in her hands.

"Here," she said, "I also got this for you."

She handed Barry a gray, wool hat. He took it from her and turned it over in his fingers, looking at it.

"Thanks, Iris," he said appreciatively, placing the hat on his head. They all smiled at him, happy about how well he was handling this. Maybe he was still their Barry after all.

…..

**One week later**

As Barry woke up he inhaled deeply and opened his eyes, squinting against the harsh daylight that filtered into the quiet room. The silence was punctured only by the steady beeping of his heartrate monitor, which had its volume turned down almost all the way so he could sleep. He blinked a few times as he took in his surroundings. It took him a moment to remember where he was.

He saw the IV stand next to his bed, and followed the tubing with his eyes down to where it met with his wrist, secured by a single piece of medical tape. He tugged experimentally at the wires that snaked from his chest but stopped when it hurt his skin to pull on them. There was a blood pressure cuff still attached to his arm. Caitlin must have left it on him so that she could check his blood pressure without waking him up again.

It was then that his senses started to come back to him, and his shifty memory started to solidify. He knew he was getting radiation treatment for something, and he knew he had been getting it for some time now, but for how long, he couldn't begin to guess.

He looked over and saw that there was a single sheet of paper taped to the wall near his bed, but with his blurred vision, he couldn't make out the large words that were written on it. He gave up on trying to read it when the strain of it made his head hurt more. It was then that he realized his entire body hurt. Shifting slightly to try to get more comfortable, he gazed over to the other side of the room to see Joe sitting in a chair, his head hunched over with his chin resting on his chest as he dozed.

"Joe," Barry said hoarsely. Joe woke and snapped his head up in an instant.

"Yeah, Bar?" he said, standing up and quickly moving closer to him so he could hear Barry's soft voice.

"I have to go to the bathroom," Barry rasped tiredly.

"Okay, Bar," Joe said right away, "Just let me grab someone to help, okay?"

Barry nodded, and Joe returned a minute later with Cisco in toe, Cisco grinning widely at him as he entered the room.

Together, he and Cisco slowly helped Barry to sit upright. Barry started to shiver instantly once he was sitting up with his legs hanging over the edge of the bed and he didn't have any blankets to cover him. He kept his hat on, hoping to maintain any warmth he could. The pace of the beeping on his heart monitor picked up slightly with the extra movement.

"Okay, Barry," Joe said, strapping a gait belt around Barry's thin waist, "If you're not too dizzy, I'll help you stand when you're ready."

With a nod from Barry, Joe counted to three before helping Barry stand. He allowed Barry some time to get his bearings before helping him to slowly walk to the bathroom. Cisco followed closely behind them, wheeling along Barry's heart monitor and IV stand with them, making sure his tubes and wires didn't get twisted or caught on anything.

"Sorry," Barry mumbled tiredly, his eyes half open, "I know it's a pain every time I have to get up."

"Don't worry about it, man," Cisco assured him as they slowly shuffled towards the bathroom. Barry leaned weakly against Joe, clutching tightly to his arm in fear of falling.

When they got him back into bed, Barry's teeth were chattering, and Joe added an extra blanket on top of him. Barry wasn't very efficient now at maintaining his own body temperature, and he relied heavily on heated blankets just to stay warm.

Once he was back in bed, Barry was now able to read the sign that was taped to the wall:

 _Barry, ask for help! Do NOT_ _get up on your own!_

Barry gazed curiously at the sign for a few seconds before looking questioningly at Cisco. Following his gaze, Cisco was able to find the source of his confusion.

"You fell a few times," he explained to Barry, "You forgot to ask for help."

Barry tried to remember this but couldn't. He was too tired to be bothered by it though. He was simply getting used to the fact that his mind wasn't working properly anymore.

"How is his side?" Joe asked Cisco quietly. Barry had fallen just the day before, and he was severely bruised on one side of his body as a result.

"It looks worse than it is," Cisco said, "Caitlin said there wasn't any serious damage. If it happens again though, we might have to start putting down some floor alarms just in case."

Barry didn't say anything. He felt like a little kid with them talking about him like he needed a babysitter. That or a senile old man who needed constant supervision because he got confused sometimes. Either way, it made Barry feel helpless and inept, and that was not a good feeling.

Cisco quietly left the room, and Joe resumed his position in the chair near Barry's bed. Barry felt bad that Joe spent so much of his time just sitting in here watching him sleep. It must be extremely boring for him. Barry wanted to talk with Joe for a bit to help him pass the time, but he couldn't help it when his heavy eyelids slid shut. Maybe tomorrow he would have more energy. Then again, he told himself that every day.

…..

Joe was shocked when the captain and several others from the precinct walked into the cortex at STAR labs. It was a good thing they didn't have the Flash suit on display there anymore. They had moved it out of sight for Barry's sake.

"David," Joe said to the captain, "What are you guys doing here?"

"We wanted to see how Barry was doing," Singh answered, "Thought we would pay him a visit."

"That's very kind of you, David," Joe said, "I'm sure Barry will appreciate that you're here."

"Where is he?" Carl asked, "Can we see him?"

"He's right in there," Joe answered, gesturing towards the door to Barry's room, "I should warn you guys though, Barry might seem a little…strange. He's not really himself right now."

"We understand, Joe," the captain said.

"I don't think you do," Joe said, standing in front of the door to Barry's room, "He's not just feeling sick."

Joe took a deep breath before continuing.

"His mind is starting to go too. He's confused and sometimes delusion, and he sees and hears things that aren't there. Normally it's pretty mild, but sometimes he can get angry and combative. I just want you guys to be prepared for however he might be."

"I'm so sorry, Joe," Singh said with sympathy, "That must be so hard to see him that way."

"Thanks, David," Joe said, "I just wanted to give you guys some warning before you go in."

Joe suddenly gave each of them a scrutinizing look.

"None of you are sick, are you?" he asked them, "Because I can't let you in if you're sick. His immune system is really compromised right now, and I can't take the risk."

"None of us are sick, Joe," the captain said understandingly, "If it makes you feel any better though, we can stand on the far side of the room to be safe."

Joe smiled and nodded gratefully at the captain. "Okay then."

Joe gave them a brief unsure look before slowly opening the door. He and the group of officers walked silently into the medical room. Their eyes fell on Barry in shock. None of them said anything as they looked at the young forensic scientist sleeping in the bed in front of them. He didn't look anything like the Barry they knew.

He was bald and thin in the extreme. He looked very pale with deep dark circles under his eyes, and he was breathing heavily despite the nasal cannula he had under his nose. He looked so frail now, with different tubes and wires snaking from different parts of his body, connected to several different machines. The painful sight made them all sad and a little uncomfortable. They hadn't realized Barry was _this_ sick. Maybe they shouldn't have come after all.

Joe quietly approached Barry's bed and gently shook him awake.

"Bar," he whispered, "Barry, wake up. You have visitors."

Barry winced in pain and his eyes fluttered open, squinting at Joe and then at the group of men who had come to see him. He sighed and looked back at Joe again.

"Why did you bring them here?" he asked quietly, although everyone in the room could hear him.

"They just wanted to see how you were doing," Joe told him, raising the head of Barry's bed into a semi-sitting position.

Barry grabbed his hat that was sitting on his bedside table and put it on. He tried to rub the tiredness from his eyes and subtly pulled off the nasal cannula that was under his nose. It was as if he was trying to look less sick for them, but his efforts were sort of futile because he still looked dreadful. Barry looked around at all of them for a moment before saying, "Thanks for coming, guys."

"It's the least we can do," one of the officers said, "It's good to see you, Barry."

"How's everything going at the precinct?" Barry asked.

"Everything's great," Singh said, "We're still missing our CSI though."

"I'm sure Carl's doing a wonderful job," Barry said hoarsely, "Looks like you hired him just in time."

Carl shifted awkwardly at those words. The captain looked down guiltily.

"We still can't wait to have you back, Barry," one of the older detectives said.

"Yeah," Carl agreed, "I still have a lot to learn from you yet."

Barry smiled weakly at that.

"If you have any difficult cases, you can always call or bring them here to me. I can help you with them," Barry offered.

"No, no, Mr. Allen. I'll be just fine," Carl told him, "You just worry about yourself right now."

One of the officers stepped forward.

"We all got these for you, Barry," he said, setting flowers on Barry's end table. Another officer handed Barry a get well soon card. Barry opened it to see that it had been signed by everyone in the department.

"Sorry everyone couldn't be here," Officer Liddell said, "But we couldn't all just abandon the precinct."

"That's okay," Barry said. He already found the number of visitors overwhelming, "I know it's busy there right now."

"You can say that again," Officer Liddell laughed, "Maybe if the Flash would stop being such a coward and make an appearance again, the city wouldn't be falling apart right now."

A couple of officers nodded their agreement. Barry felt sick to his stomach. Joe knowingly put a hand on Barry's shoulder as Barry looked away. The falling of his face didn't go unnoticed.

"You okay there, Barry?" the captain asked concernedly.

"I'm great," Barry breathed, but his eyes seemed to lose focus for a moment. Barry took several deep breaths, Joe still holding tightly to his shoulder in support. After a moment, he put his oxygen back on, no longer caring about how it made him look. Barry reached over to his bedside table for his water, but he couldn't quite reach it.

"I've got it," Barry snapped when Joe reached for the glass for him.

"I said I got it!" Barry yelled angrily when Joe handed him the glass anyways. Barry didn't take a sip.

"It's fine, Bar," Joe said, "I'm just giving you a hand."

"I don't _want_ a hand," Barry said angrily. The others shifted uncomfortably at the sudden tension in the room. "I can do things for myself."

"I'm just trying to help you, Barry," Joe said calmly.

"You want to help me, Joe?!" Barry shouted, throwing the glass of water, which shattered in the corner of the room, "Get my dad out of prison! You're the one who helped put him there, right?!"

Barry's visitors all collectively took a step back, shocked by how rapidly Barry's temperament had changed.

"Barry, your dad _is_ out of prison," Joe said calmly, glancing apologetically at the wide-eyed officers.

"He—? What?" Barry asked, his angry expression being replaced by one of confusion.

"He's been out for some time now."

"Then where is he? Why isn't he here, Joe? Where's my dad?" Barry asked demandingly with an undertone of hurt in his voice. The officers stood by awkwardly, wondering whether or not they should leave the room.

"We've been trying to get a hold of him for months," Joe explained, "He must be somewhere remote. No one's been able to reach him."

Barry looked down at his lap as he tried to process all of this, a pained expression on his face.

"How could he just leave like that?" Barry asked quietly, "After everything…"

Tears were starting to well up in Barry's eyes, and his breath started to hitch. It was clear that Barry was on the verge of tears, and it was probably not the best time for his coworkers to be standing by to witness it. Joe looked over at the group of worried looking officers.

"If you guys could please wait outside for a moment," he whispered to them, "I'm just going to try to talk him down a bit. Everything's okay."

They all looked anxiously between Barry and Joe before they left the room. They stood out in the cortex, waiting while Joe consoled Barry. So that's what Joe had meant about Barry not being himself. It was one thing to hear about it; it was a different thing entirely for them to witness it firsthand. Barry's condition was so much worse than they had thought it was.

The whole thing didn't seem right to any of them. Barry was so young and so… _good_. He was one of the nicest people any of them knew, and he definitely didn't deserve this. Why did this have to be happening to him of all people? He was twenty-six for crying out loud!

If Barry _did_ die, it was sad to think that this was the way he was going to go out. Frail and weak and acting like somebody that he wasn't. It was so…undignified. He deserved better, and if he didn't pull through, it was terrible that this was the way that his family would remember him. So weak and angry and confused. It just wasn't right.

When Joe exited the room, they all rushed forward to tell him how sorry they were.

"It's okay," Joe said, "I'm sorry you guys caught him on a bad day. He's not always like that. He's just exhausted today."

"We shouldn't have dropped in like this," Detective Hemsworth said to him, "We should have asked you first."

"No, it's fine, John," Joe told him, "It was great of you guys to come. I'm sorry Barry had to be so…"

"We know it's not his fault, Joe," the captain said, "He can't help it."

Joe nodded gratefully. He shook hands and thanked each of them for coming. After they had left, he went back into Barry's room. Barry had fallen back asleep. There were still stains on his cheeks from the tears he had shed after the officers had left the room. Joe hadn't realized just how hurt Barry was when his father had left so shortly after being released. He understood why. For so many years, Barry had obsessed and worked so hard to get him out, and then the man had left town within a few days of being freed. They knew Henry had only left for Barry's own good, but still. Henry probably wasn't aware of just how much he had hurt Barry by leaving the way he did.

Stepping back out into the cortex, Joe pulled out his phone and dialed the number that Henry had been using last. Like the million times before, he got the recorded message saying that the number was no longer in service. Where was he? Here his son was sick and needed him, and Henry was nowhere to be found.

"Cisco," Joe said when Cisco emerged from his work room, "Have you had any luck with finding Henry yet?"

Cisco shook his head sadly, "Facial recognition software really only works if the person goes in a public place where their face can be…well, _recognized_. Wherever he is, he's staying off the grid."

Joe sighed in frustration.

"Wait!" Cisco said excitedly, "If _I_ can't find Henry, I think I know someone who can."

Cisco pulled out his phone and dialed a familiar number.

"Felicity," he said after a few rings, "You asked me if there was anything you can do to help Barry. Well I may have thought of something. I need you to find someone for me."

Cisco paused briefly while Felicity was speaking before he said, "I need you to find Henry Allen."


	19. Promised

Iris sat with her laptop perched on her legs. Her neck was sore from sitting in this chair for so long, but she was long used to it by now. She couldn't even begin to guess how many hours like this she had spent in Barry's room, silently working on her articles while he slept in the medical bed a few feet away. She looked up in concern when she heard him shift in bed and groan slightly. His eyes were still closed though when she looked at him.

It still shocked her every time she laid eyes on him. Barry looked like a stranger now, without hair and with hollow cheeks and pale skin. Sometimes if she looked at him long enough though, she could still see her Barry in there.

Barry's eyes suddenly fluttered open, blinking repeatedly as he tried to focus on her. She quickly closed her computer and moved closer to him.

"Hey, Bar," she said quietly, not sure what to expect. Sometimes he woke up happy, other times sad, and sometimes even angry. Sometimes he was with it and he knew where he was and what was happening. Other times he was completely out of it, convinced he was in a different time or place than he currently was in. Iris never knew what to expect when Barry woke up like this.

"Hey," he said in a voice that was hardly more than a whisper.

"How are you feeling?" she asked. It seemed to always be the standard question for these moments.

"I've been better," he said hoarsely. He winced when he tried to shift his position in bed. Iris leaned forward in her chair towards him.

"Do you want help?" she asked concernedly.

"No, I'm good," Barry muttered as he readjusted his position, "What day is it?"

"It's Tuesday the eighth," Iris told him. Barry bit his lip, looking at her anxiously.

"Of what month?" he asked quietly.

"It's March, Barry," she told him gently. He nodded thoughtfully. He looked like he had a million questions that he was dying to ask, but he couldn't decide on where to start. He paused for a moment before speaking.

"Did you find my dad?" he asked her.

"Not yet," Iris said sadly, "But we're still looking. I thought you said that you didn't want him here, that you didn't want him to come?"

"I lied," Barry rasped, "That was before…when I still thought…I just lied, okay?"

Iris scooted a little closer to him in her chair, resting her palm on his hand.

"We'll find him, Bar," she said surely, "Felicity is helping us track him down now. It's only a matter of time."

"Iris, in case you don't find him in time…" Barry started.

"In time for what, Barry?" Iris asked him forcefully, "Nothing's going to happen to you. You're going to be just fine."

"Still," Barry said persistently, "If you don't find him in time, I need you to tell him something for me."

"No, Bar," Iris said stubbornly, "Whatever you need to tell him, you can tell him yourself the next time you see him."

"Iris, please listen to me," he said desperately, " _Please_."

Iris looked into his pleading eyes and sighed.

"What do you want me to tell him?" she asked. Barry thought for a moment before answering.

"Tell him that I love him," Barry said, "Tell him that I wish things could have been different for us, that I'm sorry he couldn't be there with me growing up. All of the holidays and birthdays, teaching me to shave and to drive, all of the things that Joe had to do when he couldn't. Just tell him that even though he could never be there in person, it didn't mean that he wasn't with me the whole time. To me, he was there for all of it, every step of the way."

Barry swallowed painfully, his eyes filling with tears before he continued in a shaky voice.

"And tell him that even though he couldn't be here for me now, I wasn't alone. I had all of you, and like always, he was still with me through everything, even though physically he couldn't be. Just tell him…"

Barry took a deep shuddering breath.

"Tell him I loved him no matter what and that he shouldn't feel bad about not being here. I knew it wasn't his fault and that he didn't know. Tell him I forgave him for leaving and that I understood why. Just tell him…"

Barry took in a strangled gasp, unable to hold back his tears. Iris felt her own tears sliding down her face.

"Just tell him I love him," Barry finished. Iris wiped her face and leaned even closer to him.

"Bar…" she said brokenly, squeezing his hand.

"Can you tell him all of that?" he asked her, his voice cracking. She nodded.

"I'll tell him, Bar. I promise," she said sincerely. She hugged Barry gently, mindful of the fact that his entire body was sore.

"Thank you, Iris," he whispered, hugging her back, "Thank you."

…..

Caitlin closed the door quietly behind her so she wouldn't wake him. Once it was shut she quickly turned to look at him, but Barry's eyes were still closed. Relieved, Caitlin silently went over to the bed. Still watching his face, she gently pressed two fingers at his wrist, taking note of how cold his skin felt while she took his pulse and counted his respirations.

She pulled the stethoscope from around her neck, and she gently slid a hand underneath his STAR labs sweatshirt so she could place the scope's diaphragm over Barry's heart. He shifted slightly at the cold touch of the stethoscope, but his eyes remained closed the entire time she listened to his heart and then his lung sounds.

When she finished taking his blood pressure, however, she looked up to his face to see that his eyes were suddenly open, and he was staring silently at her.

"Hi, Bar," she said in a hushed voice, "I'm sorry I woke you. I was trying not to."

Barry didn't say anything. He continued to stare at her with a confused expression on his face.

"How are your joints feeling?" Caitlin asked, "Do you want to do some range of motion exercises? Stretch them out a bit?"

Barry still didn't answer. His expression grew more confused and slightly panicked.

"Who…?" he started to ask, but he stopped, unable to find the words in his confusion. With shock, Caitlin felt a weight drop in the pit of her stomach.

"Do you know who I am, Barry?" she asked in a small voice.

He swallowed once, and looked at her with scared eyes before slowly shaking his head.

"No," he said quietly, "But I think we're friends."

Caitlin instantly felt tears well in her eyes. She tried to keep her voice steady as she answered him.

"That's right, Barry," Caitlin said in shaky voice, "We are. It's me, Bar. It's Caitlin."

"Caitlin," he said her name quietly, looking down and furrowing his eyebrows as he tried to remember.

Caitlin tried to hold back tears as she watched him struggle to recall the memories. She knew this wasn't a good sign. Before it was just his personality that was affected, but as the tumor had invaded into the hippocampus of his brain, his short term memory was also impaired. The fact that his long term memories were starting to be affected told Caitlin that it had spread to other parts of his brain. It was getting out of control, just like the rest of his body.

"You should rest, Barry," she told him softly, "You'll remember later, okay?"

He nodded weakly at her and closed his eyes, falling asleep within seconds. Caitlin tried to compose herself before she left the room so that Cisco wouldn't see her tears.

 _Put on your doctor face_ , she told herself. After collecting herself for a moment, Caitlin walked straight into the cortex, her face composed and her head held high.

…..

Cisco was walking through the cortex, on his way back to his workshop when he heard it. Behind the closed door of one of the lesser used rooms, he heard the sound of muffled sobs. Pressing his ear to the door, Cisco was sure. Someone was definitely crying in there.

He slowly opened the door to cautiously poke his head inside.

"Caitlin?" he asked. She was sitting on a small couch in the room, her head hunched over with her face in her hands. She jumped when he said her name, looking up at him in shock and quickly wiping her tears away with her hands.

"Cisco," she said in a strangled voice, standing up quickly and walking over to the desk that was in the room, "I was just going through some of Barry's blood work."

"In here?" he asked, looking around the mostly empty office.

"Y-yeah, I come in here sometimes, just for the quiet. I focus better," she said in a small voice.

"Caitlin, are you okay?" Cisco asked, stepping a little closer to her.

"I'm fine, Cisco," she said firmly, "I just needed a moment, that's all. I'm perfectly fine."

"It's okay if you're not, Cait," Cisco said, " _I'm_ not. With everything that's going on, I know how hard it is. You can talk to me about it. It's okay for you to not be fine."

"But it's not, Cisco," Caitlin said, "I'm the _doctor_ in this scenario. I can't afford to fall to pieces. I'm not allowed to be upset. If Iris or Joe saw me like this…"

Caitlin pressed her hands to her face again, unable to take a breath because of the sob that was threatening to escape her. Cisco placed a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"I'm the doctor. I'm not supposed to cry," she choked.

"Caitlin, it's okay," he said as she started to cry uncontrollably, her face still in her hands.

"I think he's going to die, Cisco," she said in a shaky voice, "If I don't figure something out, I think Barry's really going to die."

"We're not going to let that happen, remember?" Cisco said, terrified to see Caitlin losing control like this. She had never been a very emotional person, so Cisco was a little out of his element to see her this way.

"There is no ' _we_ ', Cisco. There's only me," she cried, "It's all on me. It's all my fault that he's gotten so bad. I'm trying. I'm doing the best I can, but nothing is working. The radiation isn't going to be enough, and I've been trying to find something else, but I haven't yet. I don't know what to do!"

"Caitlin, you're not alone in this," Cisco said, "We all know you're doing your best. Nobody doubts that. You'll think of something, with our help. Together we'll all find a way to save him."

"I feel like I'm failing him," Caitlin sobbed, "He's dying, and I'm letting it happen!"

"Caitlin, stop," Cisco said, "You're doing what Barry always does. You're blaming yourself for things that are out of your control. You're trying to put all of the blame on yourself. You know you can't do that, Cait. It's only going to drive you crazy to think that way."

"Cisco, if we lose him…If Barry dies…I don't know what I'll do. I can't take it."

"Then we won't let it happen," Cisco said simply, "Barry is going to make it through this, okay? Don't lose faith now, Caitlin. He's going to live. He's going to be okay. I promise."

Caitlin nodded with tearful eyes. "Thank you," she said quietly, hugging him.

He hugged her back. "Any time, Caitlin."

…..

Joe was regretting it already. They had all told him he had to go home and get some rest. One night away from STAR labs wouldn't hurt. Iris was staying with Barry for the night, and he wasn't alone, but Joe was still regretting his decision to go home for the evening. It was only eight o'clock, and Joe was losing it, pacing back and forth in his kitchen as he worried about Barry. What if something happened during the night and Joe wasn't there? What if Barry needed him?

His frantic worrying was interrupted by a knock on the front door. Joe paused in his tracks. Who would be here at eight o'clock at night? The knocking quickly turned into a frantic pounding. Joe thought the person must be trying to break the door down.

"Alright," he yelled, "I'm coming!"

The person was still knocking when Joe grabbed the door handle and swung the door open. The man standing on the other side spoke as soon as it was open.

"Where is he?!" he asked frantically. Henry Allen stood on the doorstep, tears in his eyes and out of breath as if he had rushed there in a panic.

"Henry!" Joe said, surprised. Henry stepped closer to Joe, almost as if he was trying to push past him to force his way into the house. He craned his head to see inside.

"Where is he?!" Henry asked again, louder this time, "Where's Barry?!"

Joe gave Henry a look of sympathy, understanding the panic and worry in Henry's voice completely.

"He's at STAR Labs."


	20. Reunited

Henry hardly heard their greetings when he rushed into STAR Labs with Joe. He looked frantically around the cortex, in search of his son.

"He's in here," Caitlin told him, leading him over to Barry's room and opening the door. Henry burst into the room.

"Henry!" Iris said surprisedly, standing up from her chair in the room, "You're here!"

Henry didn't acknowledge or look at her. He only had eyes for his son. Barry had woken up from the intrusion. He was gazing bleary eyed at Henry, still not quite acknowledging the fact that his father was suddenly standing in front of him. Henry's eyes grew wide and his mouth fell open when he took in his son's sickly appearance.

"Oh, my God, Barry," he said under his breath. Barry blinked at Henry a couple times, and all of them could see on Barry's face the exact moment when he recognized his father in front of him. Barry's face broke out into the biggest smile any of them had seen on his face since he had fallen ill.

"Dad," Barry cried.

"Hey, slugger," Henry whispered, not in the happy joking way he normally said it. This time, it sounded as if he was holding back tears.

Henry moved forward in an instant to embrace his son, wrapping him in a bone crushing hug. Barry didn't care that his body was sore or that his father's arms were painful on his tender ribs. It felt so good to hug him. He wanted to hug his dad so badly that it didn't matter to him that it was causing him physical pain. To Barry, embracing his father in this moment was the best feeling in the world.

Henry thought Barry squeezed him way too strongly for someone who looked so frail and weak. He could feel how thin Barry was when he hugged him, and he loosened his hold, not wanting to hurt him in this fragile state. It made Barry only hold onto him harder, hugging Henry harder than he'd ever hugged anyone in his life. Barry started to sob into Henry's shoulder.

"Dad," he cried, "You're here. You're here."

"I'm here, son," Henry answered in a shaky voice, "I'm here now."

Barry clutched at his father tightly, showing no signs of letting go any time soon. After several moments, Henry pulled away from the hug, gently loosening his son's grip on him and holding Barry's shoulders at arm's length so as to get a good look at him. Both father and son had tears streaming down their faces.

"I'm so sorry, Barry," Henry choked, "I didn't know. I'm so sorry I wasn't here for you."

"You're here now," Barry said, giving him a watery smile, "That's all that matters."

"How are you doing, son?" Henry asked, looking him up and down, taking in his pallid skin and shadows under his eyes with concern. He wondered absently just how much weight Barry had lost. "How are you holding up?"

"I'm good," Barry said, "I should get better soon. Caitlin is taking good care of me."

Barry smiled at Caitlin, and she smiled back, but it was more of a grimace. She looked down guiltily.

"What is this exactly?" Henry asked both of them intensely, "That girl, Felicity, just said that Barry was really sick and needed me. She didn't go into detail."

Henry's eyes rested on Barry's hat, and his face fell when he realized there was no hair underneath it.

"It's not…" Henry looked at all of them with fearful eyes.

"It's cancer, Henry," Caitlin said quietly. Henry's breath hitched in his throat. He ran his palm over his face and let out a heavy breath. It took him a long moment before he could speak again.

"What type and what stage?" he asked in a steady voice, grabbing his son's hand.

"It's…complicated," Caitlin said, "It's not cancer exactly. It's unique, specific to Barry. It's hard to explain."

"Well, I'm a doctor," Henry said in a strained voice, "I'm sure I can keep up."

"Dad," Barry said, squeezing his dad's hand, "We don't have to do this now. We can go over all these medical details later. Right now, I just want you to be here with me."

Henry gave his son a torn look. He was battling within himself, both wanting to comfort and spend time with Barry and also wanting to know every last detail of his son's condition and his treatments.

"Yes, of course," Henry said, squeezing his son's hand in return, "I'm sorry, Barry. Of course."

Barry suddenly grabbed his dad's arm for support, no longer able to sit up in bed on his own. Henry grabbed onto him with both hands to help him.

"Here," Henry said, helping Barry slide in bed to rest his back against the headboard. It killed him to see how weak his son was, "Better?"

Barry nodded weakly.

"Come on, everyone," Joe said, "I think we should give Barry and his dad some time alone."

They all nodded and left the room, leaving the father and son with some much needed time to themselves.

…..

"I'm so glad he's here," Iris said thankfully, as they all sat in the cortex, "Did you see how happy Barry was?"

"Yeah, hopefully having his dad around will help him feel better," Joe said quietly.

"You know you're his dad too, right?" Iris said, "Just because Henry's here, it doesn't mean that Barry doesn't need you too."

"I know," Joe said quickly, "I'm happy that Henry's here now. The more support for Barry the better."

"Felicity and the rest of Team Arrow really want to come visit him too," Cisco said, "I've been telling them not to because that's what Barry wanted, but I don't know. Maybe we should have them come."

"No," Joe said, "His dad is one thing. The two of them share a special bond. Of course Barry wants him here. Team Arrow though, if they all came, I think it would just overwhelm him."

"True," Cisco said, "He seemed really down for a while after all those guys from the CCPD came to see him."

Joe sighed. "Well, let's just hope his dad has a better effect…"

….

"It's so good to see you, dad," Barry said, his eyes still watery.

"It's good to see you too," Henry said, "Well, not under these circumstances, but…"

Barry smiled at him.

"I'm glad to see you under any circumstances."

"How bad is it?" Henry asked him, "I won't ask for all the details now if that's what you want, but I at least have to know. How serious is it?"

"It's under control," Barry said, "We're still looking for the best way to cure it, but Caitlin's been keeping it at bay, first with chemotherapy treatments and then with radiation."

Henry put his hand over his mouth, tears in his eyes.

"I'm so sorry," he said, fighting against the tears, not wanting his son to see him cry more, "You've been going through all of this alone."

"Dad, I haven't been alone," Barry assured him, "Iris and Joe, Cisco and Caitlin, they've all been here with me every step of the way. Trust me, I've had a lot of support, and now that you're here, I have all the support I need."

Henry grabbed Barry's shoulder.

"You can do this Barry," he said firmly, "You've been so strong, and I know you're going to keep being strong. We're going to make it through this. I promise."

These were the two words that did it. _I promise_. They triggered the memories in Barry's head which were then drawn to the forefront of his mind.

_I'm going to get you out of here, dad. I promise. Just hang in there, dad. I promise I'm going to catch the guy that did this. I'm going to get you out of here. I promise…_

"Barry?" his dad said, confused when his son's expression had gone slack. Barry hardly heard him. He was gone.

"I couldn't catch him," Barry said blankly.

"What? What do you mean, son?" Henry asked, terrified by the blank look in Barry's eyes.

"The man in yellow, the man in the lightning. He's out there, and I had him," Barry sighed in frustration, "He got away."

"Bar," Henry said, "What are you—?"

"I was so close," Barry said hopelessly, "I promised you that I would get you out of here."

"Barry, you _did_ get me out. I'm free now. You don't have to worry, son."

Henry placed both hands on Barry's shoulders, looking into his unfocused eyes. What was happening to him?!

"Barry, what's going on?"

"Every day you've spent in here has been because of him," Barry said thickly through his tears, "Until today. Now you're in here because of me, and I'm…so sorry. I—"

Barry started sobbing into his hands. Henry was completely taken aback.

"Barry," Henry said, trying to get through to his son, "None of that was ever any of your fault. You don't have to carry that burden anymore. You never did. All of that is over now. I'm free now, Bar. You're not thinking clearly right now. Something's wrong with you."

Henry started to panic. Barry was inconsolable as he continued to sob. Henry couldn't get through to him. Becoming increasingly concerned, Henry decided to get help. He opened the door and looked out into the Cortex.

"I need help in here," he said anxiously. All four of them instantly rushed into the room. Caitlin rushed over to Barry, who was still sitting up in bed, crying.

"Barry? What's wrong? What hurts?!" she asked him frantically.

"He wasn't making sense," Henry told her worriedly, "I think he might be having some kind of cognitive emergency."

Caitlin let out a sigh of relief. She had thought something new was happening.

"Yeah, Henry. I'm so sorry. We should have warned you," she said.

"Warned me about what?" Henry asked frantically, still looking at his crying son with worry. The rest of them, who were all somewhat used to this by now, were calm. Iris sat on the edge of Barry's bed and took his hand, whispering soft words of comfort in his ear.

"Barry gets a bit…confused sometimes," Caitlin told him, "He has lapses in memory and occasional breaks with reality. It must have been an emotional trigger this time."

"You couldn't have told me about that before?!" Henry asked angrily.

"Like I said, we should have warned you. I'm sorry."

Henry looked back at his son. Iris was holding him now, like a mother would a small child. Barry was resting his head on her shoulder, his breath still hitching as she rubbed small circles into his back. Iris clearly had a lot of practice with dealing with this. She knew just how to calm him down.

"Do you have him?" Henry asked Iris quietly. She nodded. "Good, because I need to have a word with Caitlin."

He turned to the other doctor, "I need you please to tell me everything that's going on with my son."

…..

It wasn't good. It wasn't good at all, and Henry and Caitlin both knew it. If Caitlin thought it was hard being a doctor to her friend, she couldn't imagine how hard it was being a doctor to your own son.

Henry was sick to his stomach when Caitlin showed him Barry's scans. The cancer had spread to almost every major organ; liver, lungs, prostate, kidneys, heart, brain. They all were compromised by Barry's illness. The tumors were invading the parts of Barry's brain that made him _him_.

Henry had to sit down for a moment and take several deep breaths after Caitlin had showed him everything. He tossed Barry's medical chart to the side with a sigh.

"Dammit," he said under his breath.

"I know," Caitlin said, tears in her eyes. She thought having another doctor around to go over everything with her would make her feel better, less alone in this. It didn't. Seeing Henry's reaction to everything made it all so much worse. His fears confirmed her own, and she felt more desperate and frustrated with the situation than ever.

"Have you considered surgery?" he asked her quietly.

"His metabolism is weak enough now that the sedatives would probably work on him, but I don't think he's strong enough for surgery in this state. His body can't handle it right now," she said sadly.

"Yeah," Henry sighed, "You're right."

Caitlin watched him cover his face with his hands, inhaling deeply. It wasn't until his whole body started shaking that Caitlin realized Henry was crying.

"Henry…" she said. He only shook his head.

"Sorry," he said, wiping his face quickly.

"I understand," Caitlin said, "He's your son."

He nodded sadly at her, his eyes still swimming.

"We're going to find a way to save him, Henry," Caitlin said, "I promise."

…..

Barry was white as a ghost from the lack of sun he was getting. They wanted to take him outside for some fresh air and sunlight, but he wasn't ever up for it. By the time they ever got him unhooked from the IVs and the machines and got him into his wheelchair, Barry was usually so exhausted he just wanted to get back into bed. Sometimes, he would let them push him over to the window, and he would sit there for a short time and look outside, but it was rare. Mostly, all Barry wanted to do was sleep.

"Barry?" Caitlin said quietly to him one night around seven o'clock. She gently shook him awake. Barry reluctantly opened his eyes to look at her.

"I'm sorry, Barry," she said, "But I really need you to eat something for me."

Barry didn't say anything. He closed his eyes again, ignoring her.

"Come on, Barry. Please."

He turned his head away from her, willing her to go away. She gently shook him again as the others watched anxiously. They didn't want to upset Barry. His mood was so unpredictable now, and it broke their hearts every time he broke down or lashed out at them. Keeping him calm and happy had become a priority for them.

"Barry, please open your eyes for me," Caitlin urged. His eyes fluttered open to look at her irritantly. She held up a spoonful of a pureed substance, her own special formula for him that was packed full of nutrients and easier for him to digest than solid foods.

"Nooo," he groaned, turning his head away from the food. Caitlin sighed.

"He hasn't eaten all day," she said to the others, "If he continues to not eat like this, I might have to start doing tube feedings. Maybe one of you should try. You might have better luck."

Iris stepped forward, taking the spoon from her. She took Caitlin's place sitting on the edge of the bed in front of Barry.

"Bar," she said, "You have to eat. You'll feel better if you do."

"Nooo," he groaned again, squeezing his eyes shut tighter, wishing they would just leave him alone.

"Please, Bar?" Iris pleaded, "For me? Can you just eat a little bit? Then I won't bother you again, okay? Just eat a little bit for me, and then I'll let you sleep."

He opened his eyes to look at her, his expression frustrated and reluctant.

"I know you're not hungry right now, but you really need this, Barry."

He stared at her for a few seconds before finally opening his mouth. Surprised, Iris wasted no time bringing the spoon to his lips. He made a face at the taste, but he swallowed it anyways.

"That's good, Bar," she said, "Just a little more."

Barry ate about half of the food before he refused to take any more.

"It's better than nothing," Caitlin said approvingly, "Good job, Barry."

Barry didn't listen to her praise. He was already falling back asleep, exhausted from the radiation treatment he had received the day before. Henry moved forward to sit next to Iris by his son while Joe pulled Caitlin aside to stand near the doorway.

"Please tell me the radiation is at least working," Joe said quietly to her, his voice desperate, "I need to know that something good is coming from all of this."

"It is, Joe," Caitlin said, "Just not as much as I would like it to be. It's a slow process, but it _is_ working."

"Right now it feels like all it's doing is slowly killing him," Joe said to her in barely more than a whisper.

"Because it is," she said honestly, "The goal though is for it to kill the cancer before it kills him. Right now, his tumors aren't really shrinking, but they're not growing much either. The radiation is buying us time."

Joe let out a long breath.

"I don't like this, Caitlin. I don't like what it's doing to him. It doesn't feel right."

"I know it seems…aggressive," she said, "But I have to be honest with you, Joe. It's all that I can think to do right now. I've been working nonstop trying to figure this thing out, but it's tricky. It's so far beyond anything we've ever seen in medicine before. I just need more time to find a better way to treat it."

"I know you're doing your best," Joe said sympathetically to the exhausted doctor, "but I don't know how much more time Barry has at this point. We need to _do_ something."

"Dad," Iris said, letting go of Barry's limp hand and standing up to join them in the corner where they were having their whispered conversation. "Barry's not dying. You don't have to make things sound worse than they are. We're not at that point yet," she said surely, "Right, Caitlin?"

Caitlin bit her lip and looked down, her eyes brimming with tears. Iris glanced over at Henry, but he also was looking down knowingly.

"Caitlin?" Iris said, "He's _not_ dying, right? He still has plenty of time."

"I don't know," Caitlin said, cursing the tears that were starting to fall. She was a _doctor_. She wasn't supposed to cry in front of a patient's family members. But Barry wasn't just a patient. He was her friend.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" Iris said, her eyes wide.

"I would say Barry has about a month left, maybe two if we're lucky," Caitlin said in a small voice, still looking at the floor. Iris put her hand to her mouth.

"A month?" she said, "Are you sure?"

Caitlin exchanged a serious look with Henry and then looked back to Iris and nodded, eyes still wet.

"Henry and I are working on it though, Iris," Caitlin told her, "We'll find a way to treat it."

"You've _been_ treating it," Iris cried, "You've been trying to find a way this whole time, yet you haven't. What makes you think you're going to now within the next month?"

"I have Henry's help now," Caitlin said, "We're not going to let him die, Iris. Alright?"

Iris turned away from her and went back to Barry's bedside. She rested her hand on top of his, looking at the gaunt, pale face of a man who had helped save so many people, who had done so much good.

"This can't be happening," she whispered, "This isn't supposed to happen. Not to you."

…..

Barry's days at STAR labs passed by in a blurry haze of pain and confusion. He lost all sense of time, and he began to accept that this was just the way things were now. He would have to endure it. He would have to trust his friends and family to look after him. All he could do now is wait for it all to be over, one way or another.

He didn't find the idea of dying scary or depressing anymore. It was simply a possible outcome of his condition, and he accepted that. At this point, he almost welcomed the idea. Of course, he would much rather recover and go back to his life, but either way, he wanted all of it to be over, and he no longer cared much about how that happened.

Barry continued to regularly have hallucinations. The frequency of the hallucinations seemed to be steadily increasing. Some of them were good. He would flash back to happier times. Birthdays and Christmases with the Wests, his earlier years that he spent with his parents, things that made him happy. Those were the hallucinations that helped the days go by easier and provided him with a welcome distraction from the amount of pain he was in.

Other times, however, he hallucinated things that weren't so pleasant. He often relived the night his mother died, both as an adult and as he had experienced it as a child. He also flashed back to his fight with Zoom sometimes, which was made more realistic for him when he came out of it to find himself in a hospital bed, just like he had that night.

Although they never fully got used to Barry's breaks with reality, everyone got better at dealing with them. They sometimes were able to talk him down from them or even pull him back from the hallucinations entirely. Other times, however, he would become hysterical, and they would have to restrain him to stop him from hurting himself or anyone else. When they did this Barry would curse and scream at them in a way that was nothing like the Barry Allen they knew.

That was one of the hardest things they had to deal with. They weren't just losing Barry physically. They were losing him mentally as well. His physical form was still with them, but his mind was gone. More often than not, Barry wasn't there.

Barry's pain had now increased to an unbearable level, and Caitlin set him up with a continuous morphine drip, which helped him to sleep through most of it, but Barry was starting to get tired of sleeping all day. His heart was still beating, but Barry felt like he wasn't _living_ anymore. All he did was sleep.

Caitlin scrambled to find a way to save him. She couldn't help but think back on what she may have had done wrong. Should she have started dialysis sooner? Should she have tried surgery right away to cut this thing out?

She definitely should have caught it sooner, she kept thinking to herself. It had come on so fast though, and even now, it was progressing faster. Not that long ago, Barry had been up and walking around. He had been _working_. Now he was bedridden and delirious at best.

Cisco couldn't stand to see Barry this way. He missed his best friend. He missed being able to talk and joke around with Barry. Barry wasn't the greatest at holding a conversation at the moment. Usually he was just sleeping. When he was awake, he usually wasn't himself. The few times that Barry actually _was_ himself though, he couldn't focus on anything besides the amount of pain he was in, and Caitlin would have to sedate him. To Cisco, it felt like he hadn't seen his best friend in a long time, and he really missed him.

The man lying in the bed was a stranger to them. He no longer looked like Barry, and he no longer acted like Barry, but they all loved him with all their hearts because he _was_ Barry.

Iris was a mess. She desperately wanted Barry to recover, and she stayed by his bedside as much as she could. Joe was the opposite. He had become numb as they watched Barry grow worse. He kept his emotions locked away deep inside. It was simply too hard to bring them out and experience them.

Henry never left STAR labs. The Wests had offered to let him stay with them, but he declined the offer. He didn't want to leave his son's side, so he was living at STAR labs. He didn't really sleep at night. He was too afraid that Barry would suddenly stop breathing or his heart would stop in his sleep. Instead, Henry stayed up and ran more tests, trying to find the answer. He took naps during the day in between spending time with Barry and helping Caitlin with her research. Still, Henry was exhausted.

Henry woke up one afternoon to the sound of Joe entering Barry's room.

"Sorry," Joe whispered, seeing that he had woken him when he closed the door.

"No, it's fine," Henry said, sitting up straighter in his chair, "I must have dozed off."

"I do that all the time when I'm in here," Joe said, "It's easy to do. It's usually so quiet."

Henry nodded his agreement as both men looked at Barry, who was sound asleep as usual.

"How has he been today?" Joe asked him quietly, setting down his coat. He had just gotten off of work.

"Tired," Henry answered, "He slept all morning. He was awake briefly around noon, but he was…impaired. Mostly just talking gibberish."

Joe nodded sadly as he sat down.

"He talks about you a lot," Henry observed. Joe nodded again.

"And you," Joe said quietly, "Before you got here, Barry asked about you a lot."

"I feel terrible about that," Henry said guiltily, "That he was going through all of this without me."

"Don't, Henry," Joe told him, "It wasn't your fault. You're here now. That's all that matters."

"Yeah," Henry said bitterly, "I'm here, now that Barry is so far gone he's not even himself anymore. I was too late. If I had just gotten here sooner…"

"Barry knows that you're here, Henry," Joe said, "He may not be as sharp now, but he's still Barry. He wouldn't want you to beat yourself up like this. It's not your fault. You didn't know he was sick until now."

"I shouldn't have left in the first place," Henry persisted, "At the time though, I thought it was the right thing to do."

"I understand why you left," Joe said, "And so does Barry."

"Well, I'm not leaving again," Henry told him quietly, "I'm not leaving his side."

Joe nodded understandingly, "You're a good dad, Henry."

"So are you," Henry answered, "I never…I never really thanked you. Not just for seeing Barry through all of this, but for everything. You were there for him growing up when I couldn't be."

"You don't have to thank me for that, Henry."

"But I do, Joe," Henry persisted, "I thank God every day that you took him in. If you hadn't…If he had gone into the system…who knows where he would have ended up?"

Joe sighed.

"Well, I never thought we'd end up here," he said, gesturing around the medical room.

"Yeah, me neither," Henry said sadly, "Of all the things Barry does, all the dangerous situations he puts himself in, to think that this is what has brought us here."

"But this isn't a normal illness," Joe said darkly, "This wasn't random. Zoom did this to him. He's responsible for all of this, for everything that's gone wrong." Joe sighed heavily. "I can't even waste energy on hating Zoom. All I can think about is how worried I am for Barry."

"What ever happened with that Zoom character anyways?" Henry asked.

"I don't know. He went back to his own Earth I guess. Maybe he just doesn't like to kill his enemies quickly. Maybe he revels in watching them die a slow, painful death," Joe said bitterly.

At that moment, Iris quietly entered the room, closing the door silently behind her.

"Is he doing any better today?" she asked, looking at Barry who was still asleep. Henry shook his head regretfully.

"Did you talk to him at all?" she asked him.

"Briefly," Henry replied, "He was rambling about fingerprint scans and the pied piper. I didn't understand most of it."

Iris sat down next to her dad by Barry's bed.

"I feel like I haven't talked to him, to _Barry_ , in a while," she said sadly. She noticed absently that the note for Barry telling him not to get up on his own had been taken down. She knew why. Barry was too weak to really even sit up on his own now, let alone stand.

Their thoughts were interrupted when all of a sudden Barry started to make a choking noise in his sleep. They all stood up in alarm as Barry started gagging. His eyes shot open, and Barry quickly leaned over the side of the bed to vomit over the edge. Iris immediately put a hand on his back to help Barry stay upright. Henry held a basin for him when him stomach heaved a second time.

Barry vomited until his eyes were red and watering. Iris slowly helped him lay back again, easing him down gently onto the pillows.

"Thanks, Isis," Barry said weakly. Iris gave him a small smile, trying to ignore the fact that her best friend since childhood had just gotten her name wrong.

"You're welcome, Barry," she said sadly.

"Is he okay?" Cisco asked, having just entered the room.

"Yeah," Joe answered, stooping down to clean up the floor, "Just a little sick."

"Joe, let me do that," Cisco said.

"I've got it," Joe insisted, almost finished cleaning. Barry was already falling asleep again. Iris gently shook him.

"Barry, you should drink some water," she told him gently. Barry shook his head without opening his eyes.

"Come on, Bar," Henry said, "Your throat's going to be sore later if you don't."

"It already is," Barry mumbled, his eyes still closed.

"Water will help," Henry persisted. Barry opened his eyes.

"Okay," he muttered, taking the water from Iris. She didn't let go of the glass entirely. Barry's hands had lost their dexterity, and his motor function was impaired, so Iris helped guide the glass of water to his lips. Barry sipped from the glass gratefully, and Iris set it aside for him when he was finished.

Barry blinked at her for a moment, his eyes going in and out of focus.

"Iris," he said to her.

"Yeah, Barry?" she said softly, leaning closer to him to hear his quiet voice.

"I don't feel good," he told her weakly.

"I know, Bar," she said, close to tears. Barry's eyes were already starting to droop again.

"I feel…really awful. I don't know what's wrong with me," he said in a scared voice.

"Shh, Bar. It's okay," she cooed to him. She rubbed small circles into the back of his hand with her thumb. His hand was thin and ice cold under her fingers.

"Iris," Barry said quietly, "I think I'm sick,"

Iris felt the tears brim over.

"You'll feel better soon, Barry," she said shakily, "I promise. You're going to get better."

"Okay, Iris," Barry mumbled, closing his eyes again, returning to his coma-like sleep.


	21. Tired

Caitlin sighed as she hunched over the microscope.

"No luck?" Cisco asked her, plopping down in the chair next to where she was standing.

"No," she sighed, "I thought maybe a different type of radiation would inhibit cellular growth, but it had no effect on the cancer cells."

"You should go home for a while, Caitlin," Cisco told her, "It's not healthy for you to be working so hard for long periods of time like this."

"It's not _my_ health that I'm thinking about right now, Cisco," she said, placing another slide under the microscope, "We're running out of time."

Cisco sighed.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" he asked.

"Actually, could you check on Barry for me?" Caitlin asked, "Joe and Iris are both at work, and I told Henry to go take a nap, so there's no one in there with him right now. It's making me nervous."

"Sure," Cisco said, "I'm sure he's just sleeping like always, but I'll go check on him to be sure."

Cisco crossed the cortex to reach what they no longer referred to as the med bay, but as Barry's room. He opened the door quietly and tiptoed into the room.

Barry was lying on his side facing away from him. Cisco was just about to sit down, intending to stay in the room to sit with Barry for a while when he saw all of the water on the floor by the bed. Staring at the puddle of fluid, Cisco curiously circled around the bed to try to find the source. He couldn't think of where the water possibly could have come from.

He was surprised to find that Barry wasn't even asleep like he usually was. He was wide awake, laying calmly in bed with both of his hands under the blankets. He seemed very interested in something there that he was doing with his hands.

"Watcha doing there, Barry?" Cisco asked him. Barry glanced at him.

"Nothing," he said quietly, still looking at his hands hidden under the blanket.

"Can I see?" Cisco asked gently. Barry shook his head.

"Why not?" Cisco asked calmly.

"It's fine," Barry said, keeping his hands out of sight, "I got it out now."

"Got what out?" Cisco questioned. He slowly and gently pulled off the top blanket and was instantly alarmed when he saw that the white sheets were stained bright red. "Jesus, man! What happened?!"

He pulled Barry's arms out from under the sheets to inspect them. Both hands were covered in blood.

"I got it out," Barry repeated. Cisco looked wildly around for a moment and then spotted Barry's IV laying on the floor. That would be the source of the water then. Barry had pulled his IV out, and saline fluid had been dripping onto the floor for the last half hour instead of into Barry's vein.

"Ugh, Barry, why would you do that?" Cisco groaned, stooping to pick up the fallen IV tubing. Barry stared at him.

"It was biting me," he said softly. Cisco just shook his head, slightly irked and slightly amused.

"Well, now I have to get Caitlin in here so she can get you a new IV," Cisco said sternly, "You pulled it out for nothing."

Barry was hardly paying any attention to him though. He was staring at the corner of the room, behind where Cisco stood. Cisco glanced behind him to see what Barry was looking at, but there was nothing there.

"Who is that?" Barry asked him curiously.

"Who is what?" Cisco asked, spinning around to look at the empty corner.

"That little girl," Barry said, pointing at the corner.

"Uh uh!" Cisco said loudly, shaking his head and waving his arms, "Oh hell no! You're not going to go all Sixth Sense on me now, man!"

Barry didn't respond. He just kept looking at the corner, and it was starting to give Cisco goosebumps.

"Seriously, dude. This is _not_ cool. You're starting to freak me out," Cisco said, repressing the urge to shudder, "I'm gonna go get Caitlin now."

He exited the room hurriedly, storming into the cortex where Caitlin still stood with her microscope.

"Okay, Caitlin, I am never going into Barry's room alone with him again," he said, shuddering, "He's seeing creepy little ghost girls in there now! I'm sorry, but I aint about that life."

Caitlin laughed slightly. Even though she knew that Barry's hallucinations were far from funny, Cisco's reactions to them could be amusing sometimes.

"You know it's all just in his head, Cisco," she said, "Obviously it's not really a ghost."

"Hey, you never know," Cisco said, "Maybe all that radiation gave Barry ghost seeing powers or something."

Caitlin rolled her eyes but smiled.

"By the way, Barry tore his IV out," Cisco told her.

"For real?" she said exasperatedly. She sighed. "Alright, I'll go in and reinsert a new one then."

As she walked towards Barry's room, she added, "I swear, you can't leave him alone for two seconds."

…..

Barry didn't know that his father had entered the room. Henry stood in the doorway, watching his son with worry. Barry was quietly groaning and gasping in pain, his breathing heavy. He had his hand on the morphine pump, pressing the button repeatedly. It was killing Henry to see him suffering this much.

"You know, I think there's a limit to how many times you can press the button," Henry said gently to him. Barry dropped the control and spun his head to look at him. Henry walked over to the bed and sat next to him.

"What hurts, Bar?" he asked quietly.

"Everything," Barry said in a small voice. "Sir, do you think you can get the nurse for me? I think this thing is broken," he said, gesturing to the morphine pump.

Henry sighed, "We can't give you any more, Bar. It's not good for you."

Tears sprang to Barry's eyes as he sighed, his head falling back on the pillow.

"Can I get you something else?" Henry asked him desperately.

"I want…I want to go home," Barry said weakly, his breath hitching as if he was about to cry.

"I know, son," Henry choked, "But we need you to stay here so we can take better care of you."

Barry looked at him with pleading eyes.

"Why am I here?" he asked his father, confusion written plainly on his face. Henry let out a heavy sigh.

"You're really sick right now, Bar," he told him, "You're here so we can make you better again."

"I don't like this," Barry said quietly, "I really don't like this."

"I know, Barry," Henry said gently, "I know. Just hang in there, Slugger. We're going to make you better."

Henry reached over to take Barry's hand, but he hesitated when he saw it. He took Barry's hand gently in his own to observe it. Barry's fingernails were blue. Henry knew Barry had poor circulation, but he didn't know it was _that_ poor. As Henry stood and observed Barry's heart monitor, Caitlin entered the room.

"Caitlin," Henry said quietly to her, "Have you seen this?"

He gestured to Barry's monitor. His EKG was displayed there, and both doctors looked at it with growing concern.

"He has peaked T waves," Caitlin pointed out. She and Henry exchanged a concerned look. Barry was staring at them curiously.

"Look at his heart rate," Henry said to her, pointing at the monitor again. Caitlin's brow furrowed.

"Fifty-two. That can't be right, can it?" she asked quietly, "That's slow even for a normal person."

"What was his potassium level this morning?" Henry whispered to her, trying not to worry Barry, who was listening to their exchange curiously.

Caitlin walked quickly over to the other side of the room where they kept Barry's chart. She flipped through the pages, pausing when she reached the CBC report from that day. She looked up at Henry with wide eyes.

"6.2," she said quietly. Henry's eyes also widened.

"He's hyperkalemic," he said seriously.

"I'll grab the dialysis equipment," Caitlin said urgently, "He'll need some extra treatments to correct it."

When Caitlin left the room, Henry continued to stare at the heart monitor with unease. It wasn't like Barry was about to code at any moment or anything, but it scared him. Barry's slow heartrate and abnormal heart rhythm were not a good sign. He was going downhill, and although they had been anticipating it, it was still scary to see when it actually started to happen. He grabbed Caitlin's stethoscope that she had left on the bedside table and pressed the diaphragm to Barry's chest as he watched the EKG. He was so focused on listening for heart murmurs, he was surprised when Barry spoke.

"I'm so cold," Barry said suddenly. Henry's eyes tore away from the monitor screen to look down at his son. Barry was shivering.

"Here, son," Henry said, adding another blanket on top of him. Barry looked at him gratefully as he pulled the blanket all the way up to cover himself. Henry also slid Barry's hat on him so he wouldn't lose heat through his head. Barry closed his eyes as he tried to get comfortable. Henry watched him sleep for a while. He silently thanked God for every breath Barry took. He vowed to himself that he was going to do everything in his power to make sure that his son kept breathing. He wasn't going to lose him. Not like this. Not ever.

…..

Barry deteriorated at an alarming rate. Over the next two weeks as Barry laid in the medical bed, he seemed to be wasting away right in front of them. He was jaundiced from his liver failure, and his eyes were sunken in. His weight was at an all-time low, and Caitlin had to start giving him most of his meals through tube feedings. Barry spoke less and less each day. He rarely was awake, and when he was, he usually didn't say anything. Every now and then he would mutter something to himself, delirious from his hallucinations.

Every once in a very rare while, however, Barry was cognizant, and they could speak to him somewhat normally.

"Iris?" he said through his raspy voice one day, his eyes fluttering open.

"Barry, it's okay, I'm here," Iris said, taking his hands in both of her own, "My dad and I. We're both here."

"It hurts, Iris. It…"

"I know, Barry," she said brokenly, "I know you're hurting."

"Please make it stop," he begged, "Please."

"How, Barry? How can I help you?" she asked, tears in her eyes, "I'll get Caitlin. She'll give you more morphine."

"No," Barry rasped, "No more morphine."

Iris blinked at him through her tears, still encasing his cold hands in both of her own. Joe stepped forward and leaned in to whisper gently to his son.

"What do you need, Bar?"

"I need—I need you to let me go," Barry said, his voice cracking. Iris dropped his hands.

"No, Barry," she said numbly, "No, we're not going to do that."

"Please," he begged, tears in his eyes, "Please. I just want it to end."

"You're not thinking straight, Barry," Iris said, almost more to herself, "This isn't you talking. You're just not thinking straight right now, that's all."

"I _am_ right now, Iris," Barry told her desperately, "Please, while I'm still me, you need to listen. Please, listen to me. I don't want any more treatment. I'm done."

"Bar," she said, hardly able to speak, "You have to keep trying. Keep fighting. Please, for us. You can't give up yet."

Barry didn't say anything. He shut his eyes tightly, tears brimming over and streaming down his face as he shook his head.

"Please, son," Joe said, "Please, for us. Please."

"You don't know," Barry choked, "You don't know how much it hurts. You…"

Barry's expression changed suddenly, his face going slack. He stared blankly for a moment.

"Barry?"

Barry's eyes were completely unfocused now. It was a look they were now too familiar with, and they knew they had lost him again.

"Joe, would it be okay," Barry said, "if Iris and I go to watch the particle accelerator turn on tonight? We've been planning to see it for months."

Iris sobbed and turned quickly away from Barry. She rushed to the other side of the room to face the wall, unable to look at him. She clasped a hand tightly to her mouth, holding back the cry threatening to escape her as her eyes burned with tears.

"Yeah, son," Joe answered him sadly, "Yeah, you can go see it."

Barry smiled at him, and Joe did his best to smile back at him past the lump in his throat.

"Thanks, Joe," Barry said, still smiling as he closed his eyes.

Iris and Joe watched him silently as he fell back asleep. The silence of the room was broken however, by a sharp beeping sound that suddenly erupted from one of Barry's monitors. In horror, Joe and Iris both looked up to see the dreaded straight line glaring at them on Barry's heart monitor.

His heart had stopped.


	22. Departed

Cisco, Caitlin, and Henry were all working behind the desk in the cortex when the alert went off. With dread, Caitlin looked at the alert on the screen to see that Barry was flatlining. At that same moment, Iris burst out of Barry's room.

"Help! He's coding! Barry's coding!" she screamed.

Henry was the first to reach the room, followed closely by the other two. He crossed the room in just two quick strides to reach his son, and he ripped the pillows out from underneath Barry's head so that he was lying flat. It was lucky that today Barry was wearing just a white t-shirt and not his thick STAR labs sweatshirt. Henry was able to easily tear the shirt open to expose Barry's bony chest. He started doing chest compressions immediately.

"Caitlin," he called out, huffing slightly with each compression, "Do you have a compression board?"

Cisco ran forward and quickly slid a compression board under Barry's back so that he was on a more stable surface. Caitlin was pulling out a crash cart and turning on the defibrillator, while Cisco took position at Barry's head, providing ventilations with a bag mask when Henry instructed him to.

Iris was bawling into her dad's shoulder, hardly able to look at Barry. Joe stood there numbly, watching Henry desperately press down on his own son's chest. Barry's eyes were closed, and it killed Joe to see him so still, so lifeless as Caitlin attached the defibrillator pads to his chest.

"We have V tach," Henry said loudly, looking at the heart monitor. The line that had previously been flat was now a series of zigzags. They were definitely not heartbeats, but it was better than a straight line.

"Charging to 300," Caitlin said in a shaky voice. "Everyone clear!" she said loudly before delivering the shock. Iris saw Barry's entire body tense up, but his back didn't arch up the way it normally happened in the movies. She found the way his muscles violently tensed just as terrifying though.

The line on the heart monitor went flat again, and they watched it anxiously, waiting for Barry's heart to start up again, but the line remained completely straight. Henry let out a yell of frustration as he went back to giving Barry compressions. As Joe watched them go through a few more cycles of CPR on Barry, he kept hearing the same words over and over inside his head.

_I need you to let me go. I just want it to end._

"Keep trying!" Joe said desperately to them, "Don't give up on him!"

Screw it. He didn't care what Barry had just been saying to them a few minutes ago. He wasn't ready to let him go. He wasn't going to give up on him. If that made him selfish, Joe didn't care. All he cared about was that Barry lived.

"He's still in asystole," Henry said, returning to giving chest compressions after Cisco had given a couple rescue breaths, "We can't shock him again yet."

Henry didn't cry. He didn't waiver. His face was hard as he counted compressions in his head. He couldn't afford to go to pieces. He could only focus on his son's still heart beneath his hands. Henry ignored the sick popping and crunching sound of Barry's ribs dislocating as he pressed down on Barry's sternum. Even though his arms were growing fatigued, Henry didn't let up and didn't slow down. He kept pressing down steadily on Barry's chest.

"Henry," Caitlin said after ten CPR cycles, "Do you want me to take over for you?"

"No!" Henry nearly shouted. After what seemed like countless cycles, when Barry still had no heart rhythm, they all started to lose hope.

"Henry…" Caitlin said gently.

"No!"

"Henry, he's been down for nearly fifteen minutes."

Henry didn't say anything back. He just kept pressing down on his son's skeletal chest, sweating from the strain and the effort. A deadly silence had filled the room. The only sound that penetrated the space was Henry's huffing with each compression he did. Nobody voiced what they were all thinking. Barry was dead.

"Come on," Henry growled, blinking back tears. Barry was so cold and still beneath his hands. Henry knew he would have nightmares about this for the rest of his life. He felt another rib dislocate from Barry's sternum as he kept pressing down. All the air started to leave Henry's lungs as doubt crept its way into his mind. No. Not his son…

"Give a few ventilations," he told Cisco breathlessly. Cisco looked at Henry pitifully before doing as he was told, sealing the mask over Barry's face and gently squeezing the attached bag twice. Barry's chest rose slightly with each of the two breaths Cisco gave, and Henry immediately moved in again, telling himself repeatedly that it wasn't too late, that Barry could still be saved. That he wasn't doing compressions on a corpse.

"Henry…" Caitlin said again, her voice thick with tears. She and Cisco both exchanged tearful looks, both feeling the same overwhelming sense of loss. Iris felt like her legs were going to give out as Joe held her in shock.

"Henry," Caitlin said again, but Henry ignored her. He just kept pushing down on Barry's chest.

"There!" Henry shouted suddenly, looking at the screen. Barry was in V tach again, as shown by the same series of zigzags that had occupied the screen before. "Charge again!"

In shock, Caitlin quickly charged the AED to the highest setting. It was all or nothing.

"Clear!" she yelled. Barry's muscles tensed up again for a second time as the shock went through his body. Again the group watched the heart monitor screen, staring at that dreaded straight line. They all held their breath for what felt like an eternity until finally, a beat. One zigzag on the screen and they all breathed again as it was followed by another one. Barry suddenly took a deep, gasping breath, and his eyes opened, but he didn't move just yet as he struggled to get air into his lungs through labored breaths.

Iris sank to her knees in relief, her legs finally giving out from under her. Caitlin quickly placed an oxygen mask on Barry and started taking his vitals. Henry fell back into a chair, completely exhausted and covered in sweat. Now that his son's heart was beating again, Henry finally allowed what had happened to come crashing down on him, and his tears started to fall. He buried his face in his hands and lost control as he started sobbing silently in his chair.

"His pulse is steady," Caitlin told them, "His breathing is decent but labored."

"Dr. Snow," Henry said, looking up from his hands, "He was down for a long time. Brain damage."

Caitlin nodded at him and turned back to Barry.

"Barry," she said gently, "Can you understand me? Can you say something for me?"

Barry opened his mouth, but it took him a moment to form any words. He stuttered a couple times.

"M-my chest," he said, placing a shaky hand to his bare chest.

Caitlin sighed in relief. At least Barry could speak. Quite a few of Barry's ribs were sure to be disconnected from his sternum now, a common occurrence for cardiac arrest victims who receive CPR. Blood was already started to pool just under the surface of Barry's skin, a spectacular bruise starting to form in the center of his chest where his father's hands had been.

"I know it hurts," Caitlin said softly to him, "Your heart just stopped, Barry. We were able to get it started again."

Barry started to cry. He pulled the oxygen mask up off his face, sobbing a few times before speaking again, tears brimming over and running down his cheeks.

"Why?" he sobbed, "W-why would you do that? Why didn't you just let me go?"

"Barry…" Caitlin said, completely shocked. After all they had just done to save him, Barry was now upset with their interference. Barry covered his face with his hands. Henry stood and leaned over his son.

"I'm not giving up on you, Bar," he said, touching his arm, "Ever."

"I'm ready," Barry cried weakly, "I'm ready."

"You're not going to die, Barry," Caitlin said, "We won't let you."

"But I want to," Barry said in a shaky voice. He continued to cry, his breath hitching uncontrollably.

"Barry…" Caitlin said softly, her eyes now swimming with tears too.

"I want to die," Barry cried, "I'm ready. Please. I can't do this anymore. The treatments, tube feedings, needles, struggling through every meal, throwing up all the time, relying on you guys just to go to the bathroom, feeling like I'm losing my mind. The pain…"

Barry took a deep breath, "I'm not me anymore, guys. I'm just this weak thing lying in a bed for you all to take care of. This isn't living."

"Son," Joe said in a pleading voice, "You're still our Bar. We can't lose you. We can't let you give up."

Barry let out a sob.

"I'm just done," Barry said hopelessly, "I'm so tired. I just want to be done."

"Barry, please!" Iris cried.

"I'm tired," he said quietly, "Please. I want a DNR."

"No you don't, Barry," Henry said firmly, "You don't want that."

"Yes!" Barry nearly shouted, "I do! I want a DNR. I'm so sorry, but I'm doing this. I need you guys to understand. I'm sorry. I need to be selfish, just this once. I want some DNR forms right now."

They all stared at him brokenly, begging him with their eyes. But Barry wasn't budging. He was serious, and he was himself right now. This wasn't the tumor talking, and they all knew it. Barry really wanted to die, and it broke their hearts.

"Okay, Barry," Caitlin said calmly, "I'll get you the forms."

Everyone else looked at her in shock.

"Just rest now, Barry," she said, "I'll get the forms for you later, okay?"

That seemed to calm Barry down a bit. His breathing started to even out, and he stopped crying.

"Thank you, Caitlin," he said, his voice filled with relief and gratitude, "I'm sorry."

He looked around at all of them, "I'm so sorry. I just can't do this anymore. If I code again, I need for you guys to let me go. I'm sorry."

"We understand, Barry," Cisco said solemnly, "It's okay."

"No," Iris said. They all looked at her. Her face was angry as she glared at Barry, "No, it's not okay. I'll never forgive you if you do this, Barry. I will always resent you for it."

"For dying?" Barry asked her brokenly.

"No, for giving up," Iris said flatly before turning and leaving the room.

…..

Caitlin had only agreed to the Do Not Resuscitate order to calm Barry down. He had just been brought back from the brink of death, and he was understandably very emotional at the time. She had thought Barry would change his mind, or maybe even forget about it. He didn't. He kept asking for the DNR forms.

Iris wasn't talking to him. She was so angry with Barry for doing this. She knew she was being selfish, but she thought Barry was giving up too soon. He still had time. She understood that Barry was in pain, but he only had to hold on for a few more weeks, during which they would either find a cure or…

Iris didn't want to consider any other scenarios. She just couldn't accept the fact that Barry really might die. She couldn't accept or even consider any scenario where Barry didn't live. A few days later, when Caitlin brought the DNR forms into the room for Barry to sign, Iris left. She didn't return to STAR labs again until later that evening.

"Did he sign them?" Iris asked Caitlin before going back into Barry's room. Caitlin nodded sadly. Without another word Iris brushed roughly past her, placing a hand on the door handle to Barry's room.

"Iris," Caitlin said, stopping her, "It was within his rights. I couldn't deny him that. It's what Barry wants."

Iris didn't turn around. She didn't respond or look at Caitlin. After a moment she turned the handle on the door and entered Barry's room, closing it behind her.

Henry was in there, sitting next to Barry's bed, watching him sleep. Iris sat in a chair on the other side of the room.

"He's not doing this to hurt you, you know," Henry said quietly to her.

"I know," she said wearily, "I'm not really mad at him. I'm just…mad."

"You're scared," Henry corrected, "Being angry is just easier than being afraid. We're all afraid right now though. Barry is afraid too."

"I know," Iris said sadly, looking at Barry.

"Except I think right now, Barry is more afraid of living than he is of dying," Henry told her, "I don't want him to die either, but…he's in a lot of pain, Iris."

Iris was going to respond, but just then there was a gentle knock on the door.

"Sorry to interrupt," Caitlin said, "but it's time to turn him."

"Right, of course," Henry said, standing to help her. He slowly pulled the heated blanket off of Barry so it wouldn't get tangled. Barry shivered slightly, but he didn't wake up.

"Which way are we turning him?" Henry asked. Barry was currently laying on his back.

"Onto his left," she answered, keeping her voice low even though she knew Barry was going to wake up when they moved him. He always did.

On the count of three, the two of them together gently turned Barry onto his side. Barry's eyes instantly snapped open with the movement, and he groaned in pain.

"I'm so sorry, Barry," Caitlin said, "I can't have you staying in one position for too long though."

As Iris watched Caitlin prop a pillow behind Barry's back for support, she could see it. She could see just how poor Barry's quality of life had become as he winced in pain with the new position. Caitlin readjusted his pillow for him as Barry breathed through the fresh waves of pain that were coursing through him.

"Do you want to do your tube feeding now, Barry? While you're awake? Just get it over with?" Caitlin asked him while covering him up again with his heated blanket.

"S-sure," Barry answered weakly. Caitlin nodded and started to get all of the stuff ready when Barry mumbled something else.

"What was that, Barry?" she asked him quietly.

"Not with them in here," he said in barely more than a whisper.

"Okay," Caitlin said. She looked pointedly at the other two, who soon after left the room. Iris took one last look as she was leaving. Caitlin was hanging up the bag of liquid nutrients and attaching all of the necessary tubing to it.

Iris felt sick to her stomach when she closed the door behind her and walked through the cortex. She understood now. She understood Barry's decision. This was no way to live. When it came to quality of life, Barry had none. They all were doing everything in their power to make him more comfortable and make things less terrible for him, but Barry was in hell. Iris understood now why Barry wanted it all to be over.

She didn't agree with his decision, but she understood it. She silently prayed that Barry's heart wouldn't stop again because this time, if it did, they weren't going to do anything to reverse it. Iris's face hardened at the thought.

No. If his heart stopped again, she would do compressions herself if she had to. They would have to fight her tooth and nail if they wanted to stop her from saving Barry, even if he, himself, didn't want to be saved. He wasn't going to die, not if she had anything to say about it.

"How's he doing?" her father asked them, having just entered the cortex.

"He's getting his tube feeding now," Henry told him, "He's not doing very well tonight."

Joe nodded, not surprised by this information.

"Caitlin's been allowing him more morphine now though," Henry told him, "We figure at this point…"

"You might as well keep him comfortable," Joe finished for him. Henry nodded.

"And his heart?" Joe asked, his voice cracking slightly.

"Still irregular," Henry answered, "The upper chambers of his heart aren't contracting fully now, and fluid is starting to back up into his lungs."

Joe let out a shaky breath. Iris sat down, listening to the conversation in silence. She didn't cry. She sat stone-faced, numbing herself to the painfulness of the entire situation.

"How long do you think he has?" Joe managed to say in a small voice.

Henry shook his head.

"Sometimes I really wish I wasn't a doctor," he said sadly, "It's so much harder when you know just how bad it really is. I'd say just a few days at this point."

Joe sank down in a chair, his legs no longer able to support him. He buried his face in his hands, sniffling as he cried shamelessly. No one else said anything. They all understood completely how Joe was feeling.

"You're still trying though, aren't you?" Joe asked in a voice higher than usual.

"Of course," Henry said to him, "He's my son. Caitlin and I are doing everything we can to buy him more time. We're still looking for a way to save him."

"But you don't think you will?" Joe persisted, "You think he's really going to die?"

Henry didn't answer. He just looked sadly at Joe with tears in his eyes. His lack of response was all the answer that Joe needed.

…..

"David," Joe said heavily, entering the captain's office, "Can I have a word with you?"

"Of course," Captain Singh said, straightening up behind his desk.

Joe closed the door and sat down on the other side of the desk. Singh looked at him expectantly, but instead of saying anything, Joe suddenly covered his face with his hands and started to cry, his entire body shaking as he sobbed into his hands.

"Joe…" Singh said sympathetically. He didn't know what to say or do, so he just sat politely and waited for Joe to recover.

"S-sorry," Joe said shakily, looking back up at him with bloodshot eyes, "I just—I'm going to need some time off."

"Barry?" Singh asked quietly. Joe nodded, a few more tears escaping his eyes.

"He's…he's not doing well," Joe told him, "They say he may only have a few more days."

"Oh, my god," Singh breathed, "Joe, I'm so sorry."

Joe didn't know what to say to that. It's okay? He couldn't say that because it _wasn't_ okay. Nothing about this was okay. Instead Joe just nodded.

"I want to be with him as much as possible," Joe said, "n-near the end."

"Of course, Joe," Singh said empathetically, "Take all the time you need. Is there anything else I can do for you…or for Barry?"

Joe shook his head.

"Thanks, David," he said, "But at this point, I don't think there's anything anyone can do."

The captain let out a shaky sigh.

"I'm so sorry," he said again, "I've always really liked Barry. He's a good kid, the last person who this should be happening to."

Joe nodded his agreement. Singh had never seen him look this miserable, this hopeless. Joe was a mess, and understandably so.

"Listen, David," Joe said, "After this is over, when Barry is…gone, I don't know if I'll be able to return to the force. I don't know if I'll be able to come back here."

Singh looked at him in shock, but then he nodded sadly.

"I understand," he said, "If that's the case, then the CCPD is going to miss you…and Barry."

Joe sighed.

"Thank you, David. You've been so understanding and supportive throughout all of this. I can't thank you enough for that."

"You don't have to thank me," Singh told him firmly, "I'm glad to do whatever I can to make this whole thing less terrible for you and your family. I just wish I could do more."

Joe nodded and gave him a watery smile. He stood up shakily from his chair. Singh did the same, and the two men shook hands.

When Joe left his office, the captain sank back down into his chair with a sigh. He felt sick. He had always been fond of Barry, even if he didn't show it. Although always late and a bit scatterbrained at times, Barry was a good employee. He always had a positive attitude, and he always took enthusiastic pride in his work, but more than that, Barry was kind. He was a good person. Everyone loved Barry, and his loss would affect the entire department.

Singh thought about how Barry had looked when he last saw him. Lying in that bed at STAR labs, he had been hardly recognizable. He looked downright miserable, to the point where he had actually been hard to look at. Singh couldn't even imagine what Barry looked like now, weeks later.

He also remembered the way Barry had acted, deliriously asking about his father, thinking that he was still in prison. The way Barry had lost all sense of himself and started shouting and crying was terrifying. It was humiliating, and it was heartbreaking to witness. He couldn't imagine how hard that must be for Barry's family or for Barry himself.

Over the years, the captain had lost quite a few men on the force, but to lose someone like this…It wasn't a pleasant way to go. It was agonizingly slow. It was undignified. There was nothing admirable or glorious about the way Barry was leaving them. It was just pure ugliness.

Captain Singh felt sick for the rest of the day. It was as if Barry was already gone.

…..

The following night, when Henry looked at the data, he hardly dared to believe it. He stared at the numbers in shock. His heart began to race as he read through the page. It couldn't be. He looked up to see who else was in the room. Caitlin was standing a few feet away, pipetting some of Barry's blood samples into different test tubes. Joe was standing outside Barry's room, talking quietly into his cell phone.

Henry waited until Joe had hung up the phone and gone back into Barry's room before saying anything. He didn't want to give Joe false hope when he wasn't one hundred percent sure what this new data meant. His heart was still racing, and his hands were shaking slightly as he looked over at the other doctor.

"Caitlin," he said, his voice shaking from excitement. She looked up at him in reply. "I think I found it."

Caitlin's eyebrows raised in question as Henry suddenly grinned at her.

"I think I found a way to save Barry."

…..

"Iris, I know you're upset and this is hard, but you need to be here," Joe said into the phone. He was standing outside Barry's room, pacing back and forth while he talked to his daughter. Henry and Caitlin were working silently a few feet away from him.

"Dad," Iris said on the other side of the line, "I can't. I just can't do it tonight."

"Iris, I know you. If you're not here…when the time comes…you'll never forgive yourself for it. Please," Joe said, "Get here now. Barry could pass any day now. He needs you here. He needs you to be here for him."

Iris sighed heavily.

"Okay," she said, "I'm on my way."

"Thank you," Joe breathed into the phone, "I'll see you soon then."

Joe hung up the phone with a sigh and walked into Barry's room. He was surprised to find that Barry was actually awake for once.

"Hey, Bar," Joe said in a hushed voice. He didn't ask Barry how he was feeling. It seemed a redundant question now, to which Joe already knew the answer. Barry was feeling like shit, like always.

"Hey," Barry rasped, his voice difficult to hear. Barry could hardly speak now, and he had an oxygen mask over the lower half of his face at all times, making him difficult to understand. Joe sat down and scooted closer to him so that they were only about a couple feet away from each other and he could understand Barry better.

"Are you mad at me?" Barry asked weakly, looking like he was fighting to keep his eyes open.

"I could never be mad at you for this, Barry," Joe said sincerely, "I understand your decision."

"I'm sorry I'm not strong enough," Barry rasped, his eyes filling with tears.

"Don't say that, Bar," Joe said, his voice cracking, "You've been so strong already. So strong, Barry."

"Is Iris really going to hate me now?" Barry asked.

"No," Joe said quickly, "No, she won't hate you. She's not mad at you. She's just scared, Barry."

Barry's eyes were still swimming with tears as he took a deep breath, pulling in oxygen from the mask.

"I'm scared too, Joe," he said weakly, "I don't want to die."

Barry's tears spilled over, running down his face.

"I don't want to die, but I also don't want to live like this anymore."

"Barry," Joe sobbed, tears now leaking down his own face from seeing Barry cry.

"I don't want to die," Barry whispered, "I'm afraid to. I want to live. I want to live out the rest of my life. I don't want to die."

"Do you want to void the DNR?" Joe asked him quietly. Barry shook his head, tears flowing freely down his face.

"No. I can't keep doing this anymore. I'd rather die than keep living like this. It's just…" Barry let out a sob, " _I don't want to die._ "

Joe understood what Barry meant. He didn't want to die, but he also didn't want to keep suffering the way that he was. What Barry really wanted was to just get better, but that didn't seem like it was going to happen now.

"They're still looking for a cure, Barry," Joe told him, "There's still hope yet."

Barry just shook his head.

"I can't wait any longer, Joe. I just want this to be over with," he said past his tears, "I just want to know that I have your blessing first."

"Of course, Bar," Joe choked, "Whatever you need. If you're ready to let go…it's okay. You—"

Joe let out a few sobs before continuing, "You can let go now, Barry."

"Thank you," Barry cried, his voice filled with gratitude, as if this was the permission he had been waiting for all along, "Thank you, Joe. I love you."

Joe leaned forward and kissed Barry's forehead, sniffling as he tried to swallow back the lump in his throat. When he pulled back again, Barry's eyes were closed, his face tearstained but peaceful.

"I love you too, Barry," he whispered.

A moment later, the monitor beeped loudly, and through his blurry vision, Joe could see the familiar straight line glaring back at him from the screen.


	23. Revived

Caitlin's mouth fell open in shock, hardly daring to believe it. She felt her face mirror Henry's as a smile started to form on her lips.

"What do you mean, you found a way to save Barry?" she asked intently, moving closer to him.

He held out the data he had just found.

"Look at this," he said pointing at the numbers, "Compare these two averages here. Do you notice a pattern?"

Caitlin looked over the numbers for a minute or two while Henry watched her face, grinning at her as he waited for her to see what he had seen. Caitlin gasped suddenly and looked up at him, the same excited look in her eyes that he had.

"How did I not see this before?" she said stupidly, "It's so obvious."

"You had a lot of information to look at," Henry reasoned, " _Too much_. It was overwhelming."

"So, if I'm understanding this right…" she said looking at the numbers.

"His speedforce is what's feeding the cancer," Henry summarized.

"And if we take away the speedforce…" she continued excitedly.

"…we might be able to starve the cancer," Henry finished, "Caitlin, we could save him."

"Oh my God. Henry!" Caitlin squealed.

Caitlin grinned at him with tears in her eyes and her heart filling with happiness. She wasn't normally a touchy feely kind of person, but in this moment she couldn't stop herself from rushing forward to hug Henry.

"What's going on out here?" Cisco asked, emerging from his workshop.

"Cisco!" Caitlin yelled, running over to hug him too, "We found it! We found a way to save Barry!"

Cisco looked disbelievingly at her, shocked by this information. He had just finally come to terms with the fact that they were probably going to lose Barry, and now she was telling him that it might not be too late to save him.

"You what?" Iris's voice came from the doorway. They all turned to look at her. She looked like she had come in a hurry. She was out of breath and her hair was disheveled.

"We can save him, Iris," Henry told her, smiling at her, "We may have just found a cure."

Iris stood there in shock, hardly allowing herself to feel the hope he was giving her. A smile was just starting to form on her lips when they heard the beeping. They all looked at the screen in the cortex to see that Barry's heart was no longer beating.

"No," Iris breathed, looking at the straight line on the computer screen. She suddenly found herself to be moving, her legs carrying her towards Barry's room as fast as she could. Her mind felt detached, like her body was moving along without her while she tried to catch up. She was the first to reach Barry's room.

Caitlin entered the room just after her to find that Iris was already shouting and fighting with her father.

"Get out of the way, dad!" she yelled.

"Iris, I'm sorry," Joe said, crying uncontrollably. He stood between her and Barry, stopping her from going to him by holding onto her arms. Iris was struggling to free her wrists from her father's grasp. She had to get to Barry before it was too late.

Caitlin stood there watching the scene in front of her in shock. Henry and Cisco came to stand next to her near the door.

"We can still save him!" Iris screamed at her father, "It's not too late! We can save Barry!"

Joe sobbed as he held onto her tightly.

"We can't, Iris. It's not what Barry wants," he cried, "We have to let him go."

"Dad, please!" Iris shouted, now practically hitting him to try to get to Barry. She could see Barry lying there lifelessly in the bed with his eyes closed. It wasn't too late. If they did CPR now, they could save him. She looked around at the others. "What's wrong with all of you?!" she yelled at them, "Why are you all just standing there?! Save him!"

They all looked brokenly at her, not moving.

"Iris," Caitlin said gently, "It's not what Barry wants. We told him that we wouldn't interfere if he coded again."

"But we can save him!" she cried, "You found a cure! We can save him!"

Upon hearing this, Joe loosened his hold in shock. It was just enough for Iris to land a sharp elbow to his gut and finally break free from her father's hold. She scrambled over to Barry, placing her hands on the center of his bare chest and pushing down on it with all her might.

Doing the compressions was harder than she thought it would be. She didn't know how Henry had managed to do it for so long last time. It was exhausting. Her adrenaline spurred her though, and she pressed down on Barry's chest with fervor.

"Help me!" she cried to the others, "Please! Help! It's too soon! I'm not ready! I can't lose him! Please!"

She stared at Barry's face in a panic as she pushed against his chest. His face became blurred when her eyes filled up with tears. It was like Barry was fading away from her.

"Why are you all just standing there?!" she cried, "Why aren't you people moving?!"

"Please, Iris," Henry said, "It's time to let go."

"No!" she yelled, "We can cure him now! I'm not giving up on him! Shame on all of you! Shame on you for quitting him!"

Caitlin started to cry, the tears of happiness that she had shed a few minutes ago now turning sour. She didn't know what to do. They had possibly just found a way to treat Barry, but it was too late. He was too weak. To bring him back now, when he was so ready to leave them, it would just be cruel.

But at the same time, what if they could save him…?

Joe didn't move to pull Iris off of Barry. He watched painfully as his daughter tried desperately to save him. He was about to tell her again that this is what Barry wanted, that he wanted to die, but he was stopped by another thought. Barry _didn't_ want to die. He had just _told_ Joe a few minutes ago. Barry didn't want to die. He wanted to live. If what Iris had said was true, if there was even a chance they could still cure him, it would be worth it.

"Help him," Joe said suddenly to Caitlin and Henry. They looked at him in shock, surprised by his change of heart. Joe looked back at them urgently.

"Joe," Caitlin said, "I know this is hard, but you need to remember that—"

" _Help him_ ," Joe said firmly.

"Joe," Henry said painfully, "I'm not going to do that to Barry. I'm not going to make this whole thing harder for him. We need to let him go."

"We can't just let him die!" Joe said, "Not if you've found a way! Not if you think you might have a cure! We have to save him! Deep down Barry wants to be saved!"

"Joe, I can't do that to him! I can't put him through all of that! It's my decision," Henry said, tears running down his face, "I'm his father!"

"SO AM I!" Joe screamed at him, "I might not be biologically, but I'm Barry's father too, Henry! We need to save him! Barry doesn't really want to die. I know he doesn't. He's just giving up, and I was ready to accept that, but now if we might be able to cure him, then we can't give up! Not now!"

Henry was at war with himself. He looked painfully at his son. Iris was still trying to resuscitate Barry, but she wouldn't be able to do it by herself. She needed someone to give ventilations and someone to grab a defibrillator. Henry knew he could probably bring Barry back again, but why? His son was in pain, and to let him go now would be a relief for him, for everyone involved. Looking at Barry's face, Henry decided. He made the most selfish decision he would ever make in his life.

"Cisco, grab the crash cart," he said urgently, "Caitlin, do ventilations."

Caitlin glanced unsurely at him for a moment, but then rushed over to the bed to pull Barry's oxygen mask off, replacing it with a bag valve mask so she could breathe for him. Henry placed a hand on Iris's shoulder, telling her to step aside so he could take over for her.

Like the last time, it took them quite a while to get Barry's heart started again, and also like last time, Barry's eyes snapped open immediately once his heart was beating.

He gasped and looked around at all of them. His expression was confused at first, but when he placed a hand painfully to his chest and felt the defibrillator pads still stuck to his skin there, he understood.

Barry started to cry instantly.

"Why?!" he yelled at them as loud as he could, which for Barry, wasn't very loud at the moment, "Why would you do this?! Why?!"

"Barry," Caitlin said.

"I thought we had agreed!" Barry cried, "What the hell did I sign those papers for if you weren't going to honor them?!"

"Barry," Caitlin said his name again.

"Why won't you just let me die already?!" Barry sobbed, "Are you trying to torment me?! Make it drag out longer for me?!"

"Barry, we had our reasons," Caitlin started to say, tears running down her face.

"Joe!" Barry shouted, "I thought I had your blessing! You told me I could let go! You told me it was okay!"

"I know, Bar," Joe choked through his tears, "But that changed."

Barry let out a yell.

"What do I need to do?! Slit my wrists?!" he cried hysterically, "Is that what it's going to take for me to finally escape from all of this?! To finally get some peace?!"

"Barry, calm down," Iris said tearfully, "Let us explain."

Barry looked like he wanted to shout more, but he was too out of breath. He could barely breathe as it was, but then shouting and crying after having been in cardiac arrest, he was now completely winded. Caitlin placed a breathing mask over his face, and increased the flow of oxygen.

"Barry," Caitlin said gently, "We were going to let you go. We _were_."

Barry glared at her as he held the mask tightly to his face, breathing heavily.

"Son," Henry said, leaning down in front of him, "We found something. We think we found a way to cure you."

Barry tried to say something, but he was difficult to understand with his soft voice and the mask over his face.

"Barry, we can save you," Caitlin said to him. Barry tried to speak again, and they understood him this time.

"It's too late," he said, "I'm done."

"Barry…"

"Whatever it is, I don't want to try it. I'm tired. I'm done with all of this," he took a few deep breaths, and they waited politely for him to recover. "I came to terms with all of this a long time ago. I've already accepted it. Why can't you guys do the same?"

"Barry, we know you're tired," Caitlin said, "We know. We just want to try this and see if it works."

"I don't care if it works," Barry said weakly, "I don't care if it's some miracle cure. I don't want to go through more months of treatment. It's not worth it."

"Your _life_ isn't worth it?" Iris asked him incredulously, "It's not worth fighting for?"

"At this point, no," Barry answered, still gasping for air through the mask, "I'm just done, Iris."

"Barry if you won't do it for yourself, please do it for us," she pleaded, "What about us, Barry? What are we supposed to do once you're gone? You need to live, Bar! You need to live for us!"

Barry squeezed his eyes shut as he shook his head, sobbing uncontrollably as tears streamed down his face.

"Please, Barry," Joe begged, "You told me you don't want to die…"

"I don't," Barry nearly whispered, "But I can't do this anymore, Joe."

"Just try, Barry," Iris pleaded, "Try for us."

Barry sighed and rubbed his eyes, wiping his tears away. Did she not realize what she was asking of him?

"Okay," he said quietly, "I'll keep trying. I'll try for you."

Iris sobbed in relief.

"Thank you, Barry," she cried, hugging him, "Thank you!"

Barry was still crying when she pulled away.

"Okay," he said, his voice cracking, "What is this miracle cure?"

…..

With Cisco's help, Caitlin was able to create a device that would take away Barry's powers. Whether or not they would be able to give them back, none of them knew. They found that they didn't really care though. Who cares if Barry can run really fast? At least he'll be alive. They can worry about getting his speed back later.

"Now, Barry," Caitlin said, "This whole thing isn't as simple as it sounds."

"What do you mean?" Barry asked weakly, "You told me if you take away my speed, I'll get better."

"Well, yes and no," Caitlin said nervously, "Yes, the speedforce is what's been fueling the cancer this entire time, but it's also what's been keeping you alive. If it weren't for your regenerative capabilities, you wouldn't have lasted nearly this long."

"So you're saying that when you take the speedforce away…"

"You're going to get worse," she said quietly, " _Much_ worse. But then hopefully you'll get better."

"I didn't even think I _could_ get any worse," Barry said breathlessly.

"All of the treatments we've been doing are going to catch up to you now," Henry told him, "Your body has held up to the radiation therapy because of your powers, but now you won't have them to protect you."

"But I'm done with radiation," Barry said to them, "I'm not doing that anymore."

Caitlin and Henry exchanged a look, and Barry started to sweat.

"Right?" he asked them shakily, "I'm done with that."

"No, Barry," Caitlin said sadly, "We're going to resume the radiation…and the chemo."

"What?!" Barry cried out, "Why?"

"Taking away your powers will weaken the cancer," Henry explained, "But these treatments are what's going to actually destroy it entirely. If we combine all three…"

"It's too much," Barry said quietly, "I can't take all of that. I can't. It's too much."

"I know it will be painful, Barry," Caitlin started, "but—"

"Painful?!" Barry said, "Caitlin, it will be downright miserable! How can you guys expect this of me? How can you ask me to go through all of that?"

"We want you to _live_ , Barry," Iris said, taking his hand.

"This isn't living," Barry said, "I know I agreed that I would try, but…Iris, this is too much. Please don't ask me to do this."

Barry was shaking now, not from his usual shivering, but from fear.

"Barry, I'll give you plenty of morphine to help you through it," Caitlin said, "You won't have your hypermetabolism anymore, so it should have a better effect on you."

"That's not enough," Barry said, "Morphine can only help so much. You forget that I know what it's like. I've gone through these treatments before. I'm not naïve to them now like I was before. I know how terrible they really are."

"Please, Bar," Joe said, "I know you can do this. You're so strong, Barry. You've been fighting so hard up to this point. I know you're strong enough. I know you can get through this."

"I can't," Barry sobbed, "Please, I can't. It's too much."

Joe knew Barry wouldn't do it for himself, so he said the only thing that he knew would convince Barry to go through with the treatment.

"For us, Barry," Joe said, hating himself, "You need to do it for us."

Barry was full on crying now. He had been so close. So close to escaping this nightmare, but then they had brought him back. They just kept dragging him along, forcing him to go through this when all he wanted to do was let go. He knew they meant well, but he resented them for it. He resented the fact that he was going to do this, he was going to go through this painful and terrible thing, just to make them happy.

"Okay," Barry said in a defeated voice, "We can start the treatments."

Joe wanted to die from the guilt.

…..

Barry felt incomplete without his powers. He could physically feel the lack of speedforce in his system. It had been many weeks since he had last used his speed, but now that it was gone, he physically noticed its absence. It made him feel empty.

As Barry watched the chemotherapy medication slowly drain from the IV bag into his arm, he thought he might cry. Tears welled in his eyes as he stared at the tubing in his arm, fighting the urge to rip it out. Henry held his hand the entire time, feeling guilty for doing this to him. He still wasn't sure about his decision to revive Barry. The father in him was extremely relieved that his son was still alive, but the doctor in him knew that what they were doing to him was inhumane. It was cruel to keep Barry alive and put him through all of this for their own selfish reasons, and he knew his son was only doing it to make them happy.

Barry was vomiting before the chemotherapy treatment was even finished. He instantly started going back in forth between a fever and then chills. One minute he was shivering and couldn't have enough blankets on top of him, and the next he was tearing his hat off and pushing the blankets off of him because he couldn't stop sweating. Cisco placed a cold washcloth on the back of Barry's neck as he hunched over in bed, vomiting into the basin.

"Almost done, son," Henry said, looking at the amount of medication left in the bag.

Barry's hands were shaking violently, his breath hitching in his throat. His eyes were bloodshot and watering as his stomach heaved again. Joe, who was helping Barry to stay sitting upright, felt Barry's weight sag even more, and he tightened his grip on Barry's shoulders to hold him up. His head was lulling forward in exhaustion, his arms hanging uselessly at his sides. Barry tried to raise his hand to wipe his mouth, but he could barely get it off the bed. Cisco grabbed a towel and wiped his mouth for him. Barry sniffled and could barely keep his eyes open as he waited for the next wave of nausea to wash over him.

After a moment Joe felt Barry go completely limp in his arms and knew that he had passed out from the strain. They couldn't lay Barry back though because he was still vomiting despite the fact that he was now unconscious.

"It's all in," Henry quietly announced in a solemn voice, looking at the now empty IV bag. He removed the IV from Barry's arm as Caitlin moved to sit in front of Barry. She gently used her thumb to open one of Barry's eyes to shine a light in it, repeating the same thing on the other one. Barry was completely out.

He was starting to shiver now, his entire body covered in cold sweat. Barry's sweat had soaked through his thin white T shirt, which also had a small amount of vomit down the front. With Cisco's help, Joe pulled the shirt over Barry's head.

"Iris, did you bring more of his clothes from home?" Joe asked her, still holding an unconscious Barry upright in bed.

"I haven't gone home for days," Iris replied from where she stood, heartbreakingly watching them tend to the sick man.

"Here," Cisco said, reaching into one of the cupboards in the room, "He'll just have to wear a gown."

Joe and Cisco managed to get the hospital gown on Barry without too much strain, tying it in the back. Barry seemed to have finally stopped vomiting.

"You can lay him back down now," Caitlin told Joe, "Lay him on his side."

Joe nodded sadly and slowly lowered Barry's limp form back onto the mattress, turning him on his side like she had instructed. They covered him up with an extra blanket, turning the heated one up to the highest setting. Joe gently put Barry's hat back onto his bare head and made sure his arms were also covered by the blanket.

With the new drugs in his system, Barry fell into a coma-like state for the remainder of that day. He spent the entire next day vomiting repeatedly as they prepared him for his radiation treatment.

Iris was extremely grateful towards Cisco for making the suit that allowed her to be in the room with Barry while he was receiving radiation therapy. It was similar to a hazmat suit, but not quite as bulky. Just to be able to hold his hand made her feel better, and she knew having someone right there with him helped him feel less alone.

"You ready, Barry?" Iris asked him quietly, standing next to the bed they had set up in the treadmill room. Barry nodded weakly, but Iris could see the fear in his eyes. Feeling a bit fearful herself, Iris turned to face the window in the room, giving a thumbs up to everyone standing on the other side of the glass.

"Okay, we're starting now," Caitlin's voice came through the speakers. A moment later, Iris heard the slight hum of the machine starting. To Iris, it didn't feel like anything was happening, but she knew that Barry was currently being hit by waves of high dose radiation.

Barry, who had been through this before already, stayed relatively calm. He shook slightly but otherwise was fine. Iris gripped his hand tightly and rubbed small circles in the back of it with her thumb, trying to soothe him in any way she could. She wished she could take his pain away from him. She wished she could draw it into herself somehow, to give him even a moment of relief.

"Okay that was the first dose," Caitlin said after a while, turning off the machine. She opened the door between the two rooms and entered, approaching Barry's bed.

"How was that, Barry?" she asked him.

"Not too bad," he replied, breathing heavily, "My chest feels a bit tight though."

"You're doing great, Bar," Iris told him, "Just one more round."

Caitlin took his pulse and the rest of his vitals. She also drew some blood from him.

"Let me know if his breathing worsens," Caitlin whispered to Iris as she left the room. Iris watched Barry's chest, seeing that his breathing was strained even with the oxygen mask he was wearing.

"Ready for the next dose?" Henry asked through the speakers once Caitlin was back on the other side.

Iris gave Barry's hand a squeeze and nodded. As the machine went on again, Barry's shakiness seemed to only get worse. Iris noticed his breathing was getting louder. When Barry squeezed her hand suddenly, she knew something was wrong.

She leaned close to him so she could hear him through the oxygen mask and over the hum of the machine. Even then, she could barely make out his soft voice.

"I can't…take…much more," he managed to say, "Can't…breathe."

Iris stood up straight and looked at Caitlin through the window.

"Kill it," she said urgently. A moment later she heard the machine stop. By the time Caitlin got into the room, Barry had passed out.

"He's not breathing very well," Caitlin said, pulling the oxygen mask off of him, "I have to intubate him."

Iris didn't even have time to feel shocked before Caitlin was already shoving a tube down Barry's throat. She attached a bag valve to the end of the tube and started forcing air into Barry's lungs.

"Can you take this for me?" Caitlin asked Iris, gesturing toward the bag in her hand. Iris gave her a terrified look.

"It's okay, Iris," Caitlin said, "It's easy. Just count to five and give it a gentle squeeze every five seconds. It's simple."

With a shaking hand, Iris took the bag from her and squeezed it. Caitlin moved lower on the bed to listen to Barry's chest, making sure the air was going into his lungs and not his stomach.

"Good," Caitlin said, now taking Barry's pulse, "He's going to be fine, Iris," she assured her, "I only put the tube in as a precaution."

When Caitlin started to exit the room again, Iris got scared.

"Wait, you're not going to continue, are you?"

"Yes," Caitlin said firmly, "We need to finish the treatment. Just keep counting to five Iris. It'll be over soon."

Iris looked back at Barry, unconscious with a tube down his throat. She felt like she was going to pass out herself. Shaking, Iris continued to squeeze the oxygen bag as they finished the last dose of radiation.

"Good job, Iris," Caitlin praised, reentering the room and taking Barry's vitals again. Barry's nose was bleeding, and his entire body was trembling now.

"Let's get him back to his room," Caitlin said quietly.

A couple hours later, Caitlin was able to take Barry off of the ventilator and take the breathing tube out, and a couple hours after that Barry woke up. Joe sat on the edge of Barry's bed, allowing Barry time to open his eyes and adjust to the light of the room. When Barry's eyes finally focused on him, he gave Joe a confused look.

Realizing the source of Barry's confusion, Joe pointed at the mask that was covering his mouth and nose.

"It's so we don't get you sick," he explained to Barry, "They said you don't have much of an immune system now, so we have to wear masks and gloves so we don't pass anything we might have to you. Caitlin said it would only be for a couple days though."

Barry nodded in understanding. He closed his eyes tightly, his head hurting even from the slight movement. Barry's skin was red and cracked from the treatment, almost like a bad, blistering sunburn. Caitlin told them that his healing abilities had prevented it from happening before.

Barry hardly ever moved, both from weakness and from the pain. He just laid there, too uncomfortable to sleep but too exhausted to do anything but stare at the ceiling. Barry cried silently every time they turned him or when Caitlin needed to draw blood. He didn't say a word. He just laid there, tears streaming down his face as he waited for them to stop touching him.

Caitlin warned them that Barry would bleed easier now without his healing, but they didn't quite understand it until they saw it for themselves. It seemed like even the slightest bump or touch would bruise his delicate skin, and despite how careful and gentle they were with him, Barry was always covered with bruises.

His nose bled profusely on and off for three days after the treatments, and by the third day, Barry's blistered skin started to peel, only adding to his discomfort.

They all felt extremely guilty for putting him through this. Cisco couldn't even stand to look at him. Iris cried most of the time. Joe never left Barry's bedside. Caitlin guiltily loaded him up with morphine. And Henry watched the results with an obsession, wanting to be sure that what they were doing to his son wasn't for nothing.

Barry's days passed in a haze of pain. He hardly heard what any of them were saying to him most of the time. It seemed like every inch of him was in pain. Every movement was agony. Every breath was strained. Just to keep living, to keep breathing, was difficult for him. He still wanted so badly to just let go. He felt like he could at any time, but he didn't. His heart kept beating, and he kept breathing, for them. Just to keep going, to keep pushing through it, was the hardest thing he had ever had to do in his life.

When they happily told him that the treatments were working, that he was getting better, Barry couldn't make himself smile. He found that he didn't really care. The way he saw it, it didn't matter that the treatments were working. He still felt like shit. He would smile when he actually started to _feel_ better. That part wouldn't come until later.

"How much longer is he going to be like this?" Iris asked, sniffling as she looked at Barry's broken face. He looked downright miserable.

"He's getting better," Caitlin answered, "For a while there, it looked like the treatments were going to be too much for him, but he's starting to adjust to them better now."

As if to contradict her, Barry started gagging. Cisco rushed forward to turn Barry on his side in case something actually came up, but nothing did. Barry's stomach was long empty. Barry whimpered as Iris rubbed his arm soothingly. A small trickle of blood ran from his right eye. The first time this had happened, Iris and Joe had been extremely alarmed. That is, until Caitlin told them that it was normal. Barry bled easier now, and the force of his vomiting often caused the small blood vessels in his eyes to break. It looked more alarming than it actually was. Iris now grabbed a tissue and wiped the trail of blood from this face, trying to hide the tissue from Barry as she pulled it away. He didn't need to see that.

Barry tried not to be angry with them. He tried not to resent them for putting him through this, but some days it was hard not to. A part of him wanted to hate them for using his love for them against him, for manipulating him into doing this to himself. Another part of him loved them for it because he knew they were fighting for him. They were fighting for him to live. How could he hate them for that?

Weeks passed, and Barry lost all sense of time. He found that he didn't even care what day it was anymore. It didn't make any difference to him anyways. Every day was just another day to get through, to endure.

With time, his mind started to grow clearer, and he became more and more aware of his surroundings. He started to speak again. Not much. Just short phrases and sentences here and there.

At first, his increased alertness was more of a curse than a blessing. Being more alert to everything also meant being more alert to the pain he was in. The treatments seemed even more terrible, the days longer and harder to fill.

"It's working, Barry," Caitlin told him one day, "Your tumors have shrunk tremendously."

"That's good," he mumbled, wishing she would just stop talking and give him some more pain meds.

"The tumors in your brain have shrunk too," she said excitedly to him, "You seem to be thinking much clearer now."

"Fantastic," he muttered, closing his eyes and covering his face with his arm. She was holding the medication in her hand, but she was too busy talking to think about actually administering it.

"We'll have this thing beat in no time, Barry," she said happily, "You just need to hang in there. If we just keep going ahead with the treatments, we should be able to—"

"Caitlin!" Barry finally yelled, "Will you please just shut up and give me some more morphine already?!"

Caitlin gave him a shocked, hurt look and fumbled with the syringe that she had been holding absently in her hand.

"Yeah, um. Yeah, sorry, Barry," she stuttered, drawing up the medication.

"Caitlin, I'm sorry," Barry apologized instantly, "I just can't focus on anything you're saying right now. All I can think about is…"

"Pain," she finished for him. "I understand, Barry," she said, finally injecting the morphine into his IV, "I should have realized."

Barry closed his eyes in relief when he finally felt the effects of the morphine in his system.

"Th-thank you, Caitlin," he breathed, his tense muscles finally relaxing, "I'm so sorry for snapping at you."

"It's okay, Barry," she said again, "I was late with this dose. I promise I won't be for the next one. I'll be in here with it in two hours, okay?"

"Make it one," Barry said, his eyes still closed.

"Bar, I'm trying to relieve your pain, not help you develop an opioid addiction," she joked. The corners of his lips twitched as he fell into a drug-induced sleep. One benefit of losing his powers; he could now feel the full effect of morphine.


	24. Discharged

"Caitlin said you should try eating today, Barry," Iris told him one day, "She thinks you're ready for it."

"I don't know," he mumbled, "Aren't the tube feedings enough?"

"You should try to get back to solid food again," Iris insisted, "Come on, Bar. I'll get you anything you want. What are you hungry for?"

"I'm not hungry," Barry said weakly, "I'm never hungry anymore."

"Pick something anyways, Barry," she said to him, "I'll get you whatever you want."

Barry didn't know what to pick, so he said the first thing that came to his mind.

"Watermelon."

Iris couldn't help but smile. Barry had always craved watermelon when he was sick. Of course that would be what he asked for now, even though now, he didn't just have the flu or something. He was a whole different level of sick.

"Okay, Barry," she said sweetly, "I'll be right back. I'm going to run to the store."

She hesitated before leaving, looking at him with a worried expression on her face. Even though he was on the mend now, she still had intense anxiety about leaving his side, as if she was afraid his heart would suddenly stop again as soon as he was out of her sight. She knelt down and kissed his forehead before turning and leaving, going out to her car as fast as she could. She couldn't get back to his bedside fast enough.

Cisco took Iris's chair next to Barry's bed.

"Watermelon," he said, "For real?"

Barry nodded at him.

"Dude, of all the amazing foods you could have chosen…"

"It's the only thing that sounds good," Barry said with a shrug, "And it's light, so hopefully I'll be able to keep it down. Thankfully I haven't thrown up all morning."

"Ugh, man. Now you jinxed yourself," Cisco groaned.

"I don't believe in that, Cisco," Barry said weakly with a small smile of amusement.

Cisco laughed and then surveyed Barry with a thoughtful look on his face.

"I'm glad you're starting to feel better, Barry," he said quietly.

"Yeah, well don't celebrate just yet," Barry said, "I have another round of chemo tomorrow."

"Still," Cisco said, "You're doing a lot better now. You might even be walking soon."

Barry raised his eyebrows, "I don't know if I'm quite there yet."

"Why not?" Cisco said, "If I were you, I'd want to get out of that bed as soon as possible."

Barry didn't say anything as he looked away.

"Come on, dude," Cisco said, "I know you have to want to stretch your legs, not to mention get that catheter taken out."

Barry's face reddened slightly, but he sighed.

"I know," Barry said, "I want to get out of bed. I do. It's just…physical therapy...That's going to be its own new form of pain. I'm just so tired already. I don't know if I'm up for it just yet."

"Caitlin said this physical therapy won't be nearly as painful as it was after your car accident," Cisco told him, "Your legs aren't completely shattered or anything this time. They work just fine. You just need to get your energy back. That's all."

"My joints hurt, Cisco," Barry insisted, "My whole body hurts. Trust me. There will be pain, and I just can't take on any more pain right now."

Cisco gave him an amused look.

"Is there something funny about that?" Barry asked him irritably.

"No," Cisco said quickly, "No, no, no. I was just thinking. When you first started getting sick, you were pushing yourself too hard. Now you're doing the opposite. You're talking yourself out of trying."

"Well, I've been sick for a long time," Barry said quietly, "My attitude on a lot of things has changed."

"I've noticed," Cisco said sadly.

When Iris returned with the watermelon (in record time), she instantly went to the STAR labs kitchen to cut it up for Barry before bringing it in his room for him. Iris watched Barry nervously when he took the first bite. He looked surprised.

"Wow," he said, "That's amazing."

Iris smiled at him. Caitlin had been giving Barry corticosteroids to stimulate his appetite, and Iris was glad to see that they were finally starting to work. Barry felt a bit better after eating, even if it was only watermelon (with Cisco's calorie powder stealthily sprinkled over it).

…..

Every time Barry was starting to feel better, he would go through another round of treatment and he'd feel bad again. Over time though, the treatments became more tolerable for him. Two steps forward, one step back.

It was a slow process, but Barry gradually started to feel better and better. Finally, he was able to get out of bed again. He couldn't handle being up for long, but it was a huge mood lifter for Barry just to know that he wasn't confined to the bed anymore. Although walking was still difficult for him, Barry was able to use his wheelchair to get around. He started to go outside again for some much needed fresh air and sunlight.

Caitlin didn't like to have him sit out there for too long though. She was afraid his pale skin would burn from sitting out in the sun, especially since his skin was so sensitive after his radiation treatments. Then again, sunlight was supposed to be a mood enhancer, so she was glad that he was able to go outside and absorb some much needed vitamin D for once.

On a bright Tuesday afternoon, Henry could be found sitting outside STAR labs with his son. Barry had his eyes closed and head tilted back as he sat in his wheelchair, enjoying the feeling of the sun on his skin.

"Barry, can I ask you something?" Henry asked cautiously. Barry opened his eyes and turned his head towards his father.

"Yeah, sure. Anything," Barry responded curiously.

"Are you still upset with us for saving you?" his father asked, "Do you still wish we had just let you go that night?"

Barry seemed to think about it for a little bit before answering.

"I did for a while," he said slowly, "For those first few weeks of combined chemo and radiation, it was hard not to be mad at you guys. I was so miserable, and all I wanted to do was give up, but you guys wouldn't let me. Now though, I feel…grateful to you guys. You made a decision for me that I never would have decided for myself. You forced me to do something I otherwise wouldn't have done, and now I'm still alive because of it."

"I know it was selfish of us," Henry said, "keeping you alive when you didn't want to be. It's the most selfish thing I've ever done."

"Wanting to keep your son alive doesn't make you selfish," Barry told him, "It makes you a dad."

Henry smiled at him, wiping his eyes.

"Are you nervous?" his father asked him, "To go home?"

"Why would I be nervous?" Barry asked.

"You tell me," Henry said with a knowing smile, "You haven't seemed very enthusiastic about the idea."

Barry sighed. "I think it's just that going home is going to feel a bit…misleading."

"Misleading?"

"It's going to make me feel like I'm all better," Barry said, "I'm going to feel like everything is all back to normal, but it's really not. I'm still sick. I'm better, but not completely. I'm not quite out of the woods yet."

Henry nodded in understanding.

"If things keep working the way that they are, you should be better soon, Barry," Henry said, giving his son a reassuring smile, "Going home before you're completely cured might not feel like a victory to you, but it's a step in the right direction."

Barry still didn't quite look convinced, and he gave his dad a skeptical look.

"Barry, you're going to be a lot happier there," Henry assured him, "I think being home is going to help you heal faster."

"I know," Barry said, "You're right. It's just…I don't know how to go back to normal after all of this. This experience has changed me, and it's going to be a while before I can just go back to living my life the way that I was before."

"We all know that, Bar," Henry said, "No one expects you to just go back to normal right away. This whole thing has changed us too, and we all know it's going to take time to get back to where we all were before. Just know that we're here for you every step of the way."

"Thanks, dad," Barry said, "You always make me feel like everything is going to be okay."

Henry smiled at him.

Barry gave him a watery smile.

"You know, when you say it, dad," Barry said, "I actually believe it."

…..

"How are you doing, Barry?" Caitlin asked him quietly once he was back in his bed in his room. Barry had just had another radiation treatment, and he was still breathing heavily and pressing a tissue to his nose, which was bleeding heavily.

"That was an intense one," he said breathlessly.

"I know," Caitlin said sadly, "We decided to go for an extra couple minutes during the second dose this time."

"A little heads up next time would be nice," he said with a weak smile.

"Of course," she replied, "Sorry, Barry."

"How do my films look today?" he asked as she handed him another tissue for his nose.

"They look really great, Barry," she said encouragingly, "The mets on your liver are mostly gone. Your lungs aren't the greatest yet, so you'll have to continue to take it easy, but you're doing really well."

"How much longer?" Barry asked. Caitlin tried not to sigh. He asked her that question every day.

"You know I can't say for sure," she said patiently, "but you should definitely be able to go home very soon."

Caitlin didn't understand why Barry didn't look very excited about this. It's not like he looked disappointed or anything. Just not as happy as she thought he would be.

"Barry, what's the real reason you don't want to go home?" she asked quietly.

"Of course I want to go home," Barry said with an unconvincing smile that quickly crumbled under the skeptical look she gave him.

"It's complicated," he said defeatedly, "Hard to explain."

"Try to," she pressed.

"I don't know," he said, "I just don't want to go home…prematurely."

"What do you mean by that?" she asked him, her eyebrows furrowing. Barry sighed.

"Shouldn't we wait?" he asked, "Wouldn't it be safer if we waited until we knew for sure?"

"But we _do_ know, Barry," she assured him, "We're on the right track. You're getting better. Do you…do you not believe that?"

Barry looked shiftily away from her for a second but then returned her gaze again.

"Yeah, I believe that," he said, but she could sense the hesitancy in his voice.

"You don't think you're going to get better," she said in a small voice. When Barry looked down and didn't immediately deny it, she knew it was true.

"It's not that I don't have faith in you, Caitlin," Barry said, "I'm glad that I seem to be getting better and all, but at the same time, I don't want to get my hopes up. It wasn't easy for me to accept that I was going to die, and now that I'm not, I just want to be sure about it before I go and get my hopes up."

"But you're so much better now," Caitlin said desperately, "You're almost ready to go home."

"And then what?" Barry asked quietly, "What happens if I go home and then take a turn for the worse? I can't do that, Caitlin. I can't go home just to have to turn around and come back here again. I can't take it. And what about Joe and Iris? It's not fair to get their hopes up like this either."

"A little hope can be a good thing, Barry," she said, "Studies show that believing you're going to get better can increase your chances of a positive outcome."

"I know," he said, "I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be pessimistic. I just want to be realistic though. I know you've been sugarcoating things. It's great that the tumors are shrinking, but I've noticed that you haven't been mentioning my CBCs."

Caitlin's face fell at these words.

"Wow, you really _are_ thinking clearer now, aren't you?" she said with a small smile. She then sighed. "Your CBCs aren't terrible, Barry. They're just not where I'd like them to be. Your potassium levels are still out of whack, which makes me still worry about your heart, and your kidney and liver enzyme levels are still too elevated for my liking."

Barry nodded, appreciative of her honesty.

"But that doesn't mean you're not getting better, Barry," she said quickly, "It just means we're not quite there yet. That's all."

"You're right," Barry said quietly, "I should have a little more faith in you. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Barry," she said, "I understand your hesitancy. You've been through a lot, and I know this whole thing has been very hard on you."

"And on you," he said softly, "I know how hard you've been working, Caitlin."

"Well, your life is worth working hard for," she said with a small smile.

"I never really thanked you," Barry said thoughtfully, "I've been so focused on me and my family, I haven't really properly thanked you for everything you've done for me."

"Barry, you don't have to—"

"Thank you, Caitlin," he said sincerely, "Thank you for trying to save my life."

She smiled at him.

"Well, hopefully it won't be too long until you can take the 'trying' part out of there."

That earned her a small laugh from him. They both smiled warmly at each other, and she laid a hand on his arm.

"You're welcome, Barry."

…..

"Are you sure you got everything?" Joe asked Iris, "Did you get all of his clothes?"

"I've got it all, dad," Iris said happily. She couldn't stop herself from grinning. She had had a smile on her face all day. Barry was coming home. He was finally coming home.

"I'll be right back," her father said, "I'm just going to go bring his bags down to the car. I want my hands to be free in case he needs help getting there."

Iris nodded, and after he had left, she turned to go back into Barry's room where Caitlin and Henry were still arguing.

"His heartrate is fine, Caitlin," Henry was saying.

"It's way too low," she said nervously, "I'd feel better if he just stayed another day. Just one more."

"He's not a speedster anymore. Of course his heartrate is low now," Henry countered.

Barry just sat on the edge of the bed with his legs dangling over the side, trying not to listen to their argument. Cisco was helping him get set up with a portable oxygen tank. Once they had it all hooked up and the tubing was securely placed under Barry's nose, Cisco grinned at him.

"Oh, I have one more thing for you, man," he said brightly. He handed Barry a small device that was secured on a thick string. "You wear it around your neck."

Barry held it up and looked at the small button.

"Cisco," he said in an exasperated voice, "You did _not_ get me a Life Alert button."

"Hey, you never know," Cisco said, putting his hands up defensively, "I'm serious though. I'd feel a lot better if you kept it on you just in case. I'm going to worry about you, man."

Barry held it in his hand and looked at it with a reluctant expression on his face.

"Oh, come on, Barry," Cisco said, "Wearing this isn't going to be half as bad as that catheter must have been."

Barry rolled his eyes.

"Mention the catheter one more time and I'm going tell everybody about that one time I caught you trying on my suit," Barry said. Cisco's eyes widened.

"It was _one time_!" he said with a laugh, "And you said you were never going to bring that up again."

"Well, don't give me reason to then," Barry laughed. He looked back at the emergency button Cisco had given him and reluctantly put it around his neck, tucking it under his shirt and out of sight.

"Okay, you ready, Bar?" Joe asked happily when he returned back to the room. Barry nodded with a smile.

"Wait," Caitlin said, "First let me check—"

"Caitlin," Henry said gently, putting a hand on her arm, "Let Barry go home."

She sighed, but she smiled at him.

"Okay, then," she said, looking at Barry happily, "Get out of here."

Barry grinned at her and then stood up from the bed. He grabbed onto Joe's hand to steady himself but got his bearings fairly quickly. Joe kept his hold on his arm anyways and helped Barry walk out of the med bay and towards the elevator while Cisco followed closely, wheeling the small oxygen tank with them.

When they got to the car, it finally became real for Barry. He was going home. No more dim hospital gray. He was finally going home. Cars had always been difficult for Barry to ride in when he had his powers. They were always way too slow, and that was also the case here and now. Even without his speed, the short ride home seemed to take forever to him. Iris sat in the back seat with him, occasionally grabbing and squeezing his hand in excitement. Barry couldn't help it. He was excited too.

When they pulled up to the house, Barry thought he just might cry. He had thought he would never see it again. He didn't think he would ever be here, on the mend and returning home, back to where everything felt familiar and normal. Again, Joe supported him as he walked, but this time it was Iris who handled the oxygen tank alongside them. When they got into the house, Barry had to sit down to catch his breath, but he was still smiling as he sat on the couch.

"I'll go grab your bags from the car," Joe said happily, disappearing through the front door again. Iris sat down next to Barry on the couch. She was so excited to have him there.

"How does it feel?" she asked him gleefully, "To be home?"

He grinned at her.

"It feels right, like how everything should be."

He frowned slightly then and ran his finger along the end table next to the couch, bringing back a thin film of dust on his fingertip.

"We didn't really have time to clean," Iris explained to him, "We haven't been home much."

Barry frowned as he wiped off his finger.

"I suppose I'm not really the only one returning home today," he said quietly, "You guys have been practically living at STAR Labs too."

"Yeah, well at least we were able to return home when we wanted to," Iris pointed out, "It's not like we were trapped there."

"Still," Barry said, "You both put your lives on hold too. It's like everything stopped because of me."

"Well, now everything can start again," Iris said happily, "We can all start getting back to our lives."

"Almost," Barry said, "I have a little ways to go just yet."

"We can take it one step at a time," Iris said supportively, "The first step was bringing you home. Check."

Barry gave her a small smile.

"Okay, so what's the next step then?" he asked her with a smile in his voice.

"Step number two is to put some more weight on you," she said with a small laugh, her eyes raking over him, "You're skin and bones."

He laughed, but there wasn't much humor in it because what she said, although said jokingly, wasn't necessarily untrue. He was severely underweight, and although his appetite had improved slightly, he still hadn't gained any of the weight back. He was still going through weekly treatments, and when it came to his nausea and his appetite, he had his good days, and he had his bad days. Today, thankfully, just happened to be a good day.

"Well, I'm glad I'm done with those tube feedings now," he said happily, "Those were just disgusting. I'd much rather eat your cooking."

She smiled at him.

"Well, consider me your personal chef," she said with a grin. "Oh, here dad. Let me take those," she said, standing up from the couch to grab Barry's bags from her father, "I'll go upstairs and unpack them."

"I can unpack my own bags," Barry said to her from the couch.

"No, Bar," she said, "I've got it. You just take it easy."

Barry frowned but didn't say anything or move from the couch as she ascended up the stairs with his bags. Once they had gotten Barry settled in, Iris set to work making her famous mac n' cheese for him. Although he was actually pretty hungry when he sat down at the kitchen table for lunch, Barry still only ate a portion of it.

"Is that all you're eating, Barry?" Iris asked, looking at how much food he still had left in the bowl.

"Yeah," he replied tiredly, "If I eat any more, I don't think I would keep it down. I'd rather eat a little bit and keep it down than eat the whole thing just to throw it up later."

"Yeah, I suppose you're right," Iris agreed, still frowning at the food he had left in the bowl.

"Well, we have the rest of the day," Joe said happily, "What do we want to do to celebrate?"

They both looked to Barry who looked sheepishly back at them.

"Actually," he said tiredly, "I was really hoping to go take a nap. I'm sort of exhausted."

"Right, of course, Barry," Iris said understandingly, "Let's get you upstairs. I'm sure it will feel good to sleep in your own bed finally."

Barry smiled appreciatively at her. They had wanted to do something fun with Barry to celebrate, but they had to keep reminding themselves that he was still sick and needed to rest. It was a bit of a struggle, getting Barry up the stairs with his oxygen tank, but they managed it.

"You don't have to stay in here with me," Barry said as he laid back against the pillows, "I feel like you guys have spent more than enough time watching me sleep."

"I don't mind, Barry," Iris said, "I can stay with you for a while, until you're settled."

"I'm okay, Iris, really," he insisted, "I'd really feel better if you left. I don't want you guys to spend another minute sitting in a room while I sleep away the better part of the day. I'll be fine on my own."

"Are you sure, Barry?" Iris asked, frowning, "I really don't mind staying."

"Iris, I would prefer it," he said surely.

She knew not to take offense to this, knew that Barry just didn't want to feel like any more of a burden. She wanted to tell him that he wasn't a burden, that she wanted to take of him, but she thought it best not to argue and to just let it go. Reluctantly she left the room, leaving Barry to sleep.

…..

The first couple weeks back at home, Barry mostly just slept. Henry, who had his own apartment nearby now, spent a lot of time at the West house to help them take care of his son. Barry didn't like that they were all still taking care of him, but he mostly just let them, knowing it made them feel better to be useful. He still went into STAR Labs for regular checkups with Caitlin and still received both of his treatments every week.

After only three short weeks, Barry was already tired of sitting around the house all day. You can only watch so much Netflix before you start to go stir crazy. What he really wanted was to go back to work. He wanted that sense of normalcy and purpose that came with working. When he first mentioned it to Joe, Joe thought he was joking. When he realized that Barry was serious, he told him that it was way too soon to be thinking about that.

After a month of being home, however, Barry couldn't take anymore, and he decided to call Singh himself.

"CCPD, Singh," the captain answered stiffly.

"H-hey, captain," Barry said somewhat nervously. Really, he didn't have any reason to be nervous. Maybe it was just the fact the he was going over Joe's head by calling Singh. "It's Barry."

"Barry," Singh said, his tone softening instantly, "It's so good to hear from you, Allen. How are you doing?"

"I'm doing great," Barry answered immediately.

"We're all so relieved that you're getting better," Singh went on, "When you were at your worst, you should have seen everyone here at the precinct. I've never seen the precinct so quiet before. It was like working in a mortuary."

"I'm sorry I worried all of you," Barry said sincerely. He hadn't realized just how many people had been affected by his illness.

"Well, don't worry about that," Singh said dismissively, "We have Joe back now, and hopefully we'll be getting our best CSI back soon enough."

"Yeah, about that, sir," Barry said, "The reason I called, I wanted to let you know that I'm ready to return to work."

The captain paused for a moment in shock.

"So soon?" he asked, "Isn't it a bit early for that? Shouldn't you give yourself more time to recover?"

"No," Barry said immediately, "I'm good now. I'm ready to come back."

"I don't know, Allen," Singh said unsurely, "Just two months ago you were on your deathbed. Joe was a mess. He was so sure you were going to die."

"Well, I didn't," Barry answered, "I'm alive, and I'm doing better now."

"Barry, I saw you myself," the captain persisted, "You didn't look too good at the time, and it hasn't been that long since then. I think you need more time."

"Please, sir," Barry begged, "I really need this. I really need to go back to work."

Singh sighed, deep in thought.

"What does Joe say about all of this?"

When Barry didn't respond, the captain got his answer.

"Barry, I—"

"It doesn't have to be full time," Barry argued, "I could just come in for a couple days each week, just to help Carl out."

"Barry…"

"Please," Barry pleaded, "Please, sir. I really need this."

Singh paused for a brief moment before answering.

"Fine," he said, "but I'm going to discuss it with Joe first."

"Thank you, sir!" Barry said happily, "Thank you, Captain!"

After hanging up the phone, Barry couldn't help but grin. Things were finally getting back to normal, one small step at a time. He didn't want to let himself get excited, but Barry couldn't help it. He couldn't help but start to hope.


	25. Cured

** Cured **

“You’re almost there, Barry,” Caitlin said happily, “A few more months of treatments should do it.”

Barry smiled at her. He couldn’t believe it. He was almost done with this whole nightmare, and he couldn’t wait to put it all behind him. He was doing so much better now. He didn’t require an oxygen tank everywhere he went, and he had so much more energy than before. They had been cutting back on the chemo and radiation treatments now, making them way less aggressive now that they had the upper hand. The treatments were still once a week, but now they could afford to make them way less intense, and Barry was much happier for it.

To add to his happy mood, Barry would be going back to work tomorrow. It was only going to be for three days a week for now, but it was better than nothing. It was probably for the best to start slow anyways so he didn’t overwhelm himself right away.

Barry was excited but also sort of nervous to be going back to work. He wasn’t sure how it was going to be on the first day back. He was still so thin, and he still didn’t have hair. He was nervous as to how people were going to react and how they would treat him when they saw him. He just really didn’t want anyone to comment on it. Then again, they probably won’t be too shocked considering quite a few of them had gone and visited him a while back when he was still really sick.

Barry wasn’t sure if he should wear a hat or not. He felt like he would be a little more comfortable if he had a baseball cap or something covering his head, but at the same time, what was the point in trying to hide it? Everyone would know that he was bald underneath the hat anyways, and it seemed silly to attempt to conceal it. For that reason, he went hatless on his first day back to work.

The next day, he walked into the CCPD alongside Joe with his head held high and a grin on his face. Several people came forward to hug him and welcome him back. Barry was glad no one made any comments on how thin he was when they hugged him. They all just smiled at him and told him how happy they were to see him there and doing so much better.

He was especially happy to see Carl. The young man’s reaction when Barry walked into the lab was touching. He was so happy and excited that he dropped the beaker he was holding.

“Between the two of us, I think we’ve dropped more than enough beakers in this lab already,” Barry said with a laugh.

Carl didn’t care about the beaker though as he moved forward to give Barry a hug.

“Welcome back, Mr. Allen,” he said enthusiastically, “I’m so happy you’re here! The lab hasn’t been the same without you.”

“It’s good to be back,” Barry said happily, looking warmly around the lab.

“I have everything exactly as you left it,” Carl said excitedly.

“Thank you, Carl,” Barry said, grateful for the young man’s enthusiasm, “You didn’t have to do that.”

At that moment, Singh walked into the lab.

“It’s good to have you back, Allen,” he said happily.

“I’m happy to be here, sir,” Barry said with a smile.

He was still so thankful towards the captain for allowing him to return so soon.

“How are you feeling?” Singh asked him with a surveying look.

Barry was still sick after all, just not as sick as he was before. The captain knew that he was still going through treatments, and he was still fighting his illness, which made Singh a little unsure about his decision to let Barry return.

“I’m feeling great,” Barry said for what must have been at least the tenth time that day already, and he had only just gotten there.

“Good,” Singh said, “That’s really good, Barry.”

For a moment, the captain gave him a soft look, not the usual piercing frown of disapproval that Barry was used to, but a look of genuine caring and relief. A couple seconds later though, he was back to all business again.

“Allen, I’ll need you to fill out all of this paperwork now that you’re back,” he said seriously, handing Barry a stack of papers.

Barry tried not to laugh at the sudden change in the captain’s tone as he looked down at the files. Barry was shocked by the sheer amount of forms that needed to be filled out.

“Why are there so many?” he asked, “Shouldn’t it just be sick leave forms?”

He flipped through the papers and was surprised to find that the captain had given him an entirely new employment contract.

“What, did you terminate my position or something?” Barry joked.

“Yes, actually I did,” Singh said calmly.

“For real?” Barry said with a shocked expression, “I was joking.”

He looked down at the documents, not sure how to feel about it.

“I suppose at the time you didn’t think I’d be coming back,” Barry said quietly, “So I guess that makes sense.”

“I didn’t do it when you were on hospice, Barry,” Singh said, a small smile forming at the corners of his lips, “I did it just this morning.”

Barry gave him a confused look.

“I’m not hiring you back as a forensic assistant,” the captain said, full on smiling now, “I’m hiring you back as our new CSI director.”

Barry’s eyes widened. He wasn’t sure if he had heard correctly.

“So, I’m…?”

“You’re now the head of Central City’s Forensics Department,” Singh told him, “Congratulations.”

When the captain reached out to shake Barry’s hand, Barry’s face broke out into a grin. He shook Singh’s hand eagerly.

“Thank you, sir!” he said happily, tears starting to fill his eyes, “Thank you so much! You have no idea how much this means to me!”

“It was nothing, Allen,” the captain said dismissively, although he was amused by the young man’s excitement. It felt so good to see Barry smile after all this time. “You’ve earned it. You were the obvious pick for the job, and I’ve been intending to give you the position ever since Southworth was transferred. I was just waiting for the right time.”

Barry was grinning for the rest of the day. He had been so nervous to go back to work, but now that he had, he was having one of the best days that he had had in a long time. People were congratulating him all day, both on his improved health and his promotion. It didn’t feel possible that Barry could be this happy after all the hell he had been through over the past few months.

“Did you know about this?” he asked Joe when they were driving home from work, “Did you know Singh was going to promote me?”

Joe smirked at him.

“I’ve known for a long time,” he said smugly, “Ever since Southworth left. At first I didn’t tell you because it was going to be a surprise, but then you got sick, and then I couldn’t bear to tell you because I wasn’t sure if Singh was going to go and give the position to someone else or not. The state has been on him for months to fill the position, but he kept it open for you, even when it looked like you weren’t going to pull through. He said you were the only person for the job, and he had to pull quite a few strings to make sure the position didn’t get filled by somebody else while you were recovering.”

“Wow,” Barry said quietly, “I can’t believe Singh did all of that for me.”

“The captain really does care about you, Barry,” Joe said, “We all do.”

Barry turned to smile at him, but then he saw that Joe was starting to get choked up. His eyes were watering as he drove.

“Joe…” Barry said.

“Sorry,” he said quickly, shaking his head and wiping his eyes, “I’m just so happy, Bar. I’m so happy that you’re getting better.”

Barry smiled and patted Joe’s arm.

“Me too.”

…..

Barry took his time adjusting to being back at work. Singh told him not to worry about his new responsibilities as director now. He could take a few weeks to get back into the swing of things before he started his management duties. Barry was grateful for it. He was excited to start his director position, but it was nice to start out by just running the usual fingerprint scans and gun residue tests while he was getting settled back in. He had really missed working in his lab, and Carl had definitely missed having him around.

Carl hadn’t been kidding when he told Barry that he had kept everything where he had left it. Carl hadn’t even erased what Barry had on his whiteboard. It still had the same equations and algorithms on it that Barry had written there months ago.

“Yeah, I didn’t know what any of that meant or what it was for, but it looked important, so I just left it there,” Carl told him.

“Carl, you really didn’t need to do that,” Barry said with a fond smile at the young CSI, “I want you to make this space your own too. This lab is just as much yours as it is mine.”

“Thanks, Mr. Allen,” Carl said gratefully.

Barry had been worried that in his absence, everything would change, and he would have to find a new way to fit back in at the CCPD once he returned, but he found that wasn’t the case. He fit back in perfectly. Within a few days, Barry was running the lab again, and Carl was eager and grateful for the guidance and direction. He had been somewhat overwhelmed during Barry’s absence and had relied heavily on the advice of other CSIs in the area when he didn’t have Barry to turn to.

Some cases even had to be put on hold because there really wasn’t anyone qualified enough to take them on. Even the CSIs at the other precincts in Central City were stumped by a few of them, and Barry welcomed the challenge when he returned back to work. There was a reason why Singh had said he was the only man for the director position. He was one of the best and most well-rounded forensics specialists in the state. Barry loved his job, and he was _very_ good at it. He had most of the cases solved within the first two weeks.

…..

Because Barry had Tuesdays off, it was often the day of the week that he went in for his checkup with Caitlin. She would usually just take some fresh scans and do some bloodwork and then send him on his way. They had gotten so used to the routine that they had managed to narrow the whole thing down to take only about two hours.

That was why Barry was confused on one Tuesday when he had been there for nearly three and a half hours and Caitlin was still running tests. He was starting to grow more and more worried with each passing minute.

Henry, who had brought Barry to STAR Labs today, joined the doctor in looking over his scans and his bloodwork. Cisco sat with Barry in the med bay as the two doctors worked out in the cortex.

“Why is this taking so long today?” Barry asked nervously as he watched Caitlin insert a new slide under her microscope. His father was busy looking over his MRIs for a third time.

“I don’t know, man,” Cisco said, “I’m not a doctor. I just build the toys.”

“Should I be worried?” Barry asked anxiously.

“Nah, don’t sweat it, dude. You know Caitlin. She just likes to be thorough.”

“What if I’m getting worse though?” Barry asked quietly, “What if I’m getting bad again?”

“You’re not,” Cisco said surely.

“But what if I am?” Barry persisted, “Cisco, I can’t go through all of that again. I can’t. If these test results aren’t good…I don’t know what I’m going to do. My life is just starting to get back together again. If I get sicker now, I don’t think I can take it. I can’t be sick like that again. The test results have to be good. They have to be. They have to be good.”

“Barry, calm down,” Cisco said, putting a hand on Barry’s back to comfort him.

Barry was starting to breathe heavily, and his fists were clenched.

“Everything’s okay,” Cisco assured him, “Caitlin just likes to dot her i's and cross her t’s. You have nothing to worry about.”

Barry nodded at him and permitted him a small smile, but he was still tense. In his head all he could think was ‘ _they have to be good_ ’ over and over again.

It was already starting to get dark by the time they finished. After over four and a half torturous hours of testing, Caitlin and Henry finally walked into the med bay to talk to Barry.

“What is it?” Barry asked them immediately, standing up from his seat on the medical bed, “What’s wrong?”

“Sorry to make you wait so long, Barry,” Caitlin said apologetically, “I just wanted to be absolutely sure before we told you.”

“Told me what?” Barry asked nervously, looking back and forth between Caitlin and his father.

Both of them exchanged a look, smiles spreading across their faces.

“I’ll let you tell him,” Caitlin whispered to Henry, patting his arm.

Henry looked back to Barry, a wide grin on his face.

“You’re cured, Barry,” he said, hardly able to get the words out in his strangled voice.

“I’m…?” Barry said, his eyebrows raising in shock.

“You’re cured,” his father repeated, his eyes filling with happy tears.

“The cancer is gone, Barry,” Caitlin said shakily, wiping her face with a smile.

Her tears had already spilled over.

Barry just stared at them in shock, still processing what they were telling him. Slowly, a smile started to form on his lips.

“I’m better?” he asked, his smile now turning into a full on grin.

Caitlin nodded and couldn’t contain herself anymore. With a small laugh that almost sounded like a sob, she moved in and hugged Barry. Barry hugged her back tightly, tears starting to form in his own eyes now as the shock of what they were telling him started to wear off and he fully wrapped his head around the idea. He was cured. He was finally cured.

“Finally!” Cisco said loudly, laughing and clapping Barry on the back, “It’s about time!”

Barry laughed and wiped the tears from his face, but new ones were already starting to spill over. He hugged his dad next. He felt like nothing in this moment could deflate the balloon of happiness that had swelled inside him. The nightmare was over. It was finally over. Just as he was breaking away from the hug, Barry’s phone started ringing. With an apologetic look at the rest of them, Barry pulled out his phone. It was Joe calling. He quickly wiped his face and took a couple deep breaths to calm himself before answering. He could see that his hands were shaking.

“Hey, Joe,” he said, trying to keep a level voice.

“Bar,” Joe said tensely, “Are you still at STAR Labs?”

“Yeah,” Barry answered, wiping tears from his face again. He couldn’t wipe the smile from his face though.

“Why are you still there?” Joe asked worriedly, “I thought you’d be here by the time I got home from work.”

“Um, yeah, sorry, Joe,” Barry fumbled, “We just had a few extra tests to run. We’re done now though. I’ll be home soon.”

“Is everything okay?” Joe asked with concern.

He had to have heard the shakiness in Barry’s voice and sensed that something was off.

“Everything is fine,” Barry answered.

More than fine really. Everything was perfect. Barry was bursting to tell Joe the news, but this wasn’t the kind of thing you told someone over the phone. This was a special moment that had to be had in person.

“I’ll see you in a bit, okay?” Barry said to him.

“Okay,” Joe said, his voice still etched with worry.

After hanging up the phone, Barry turned back to the rest of them.

“I have to get home,” he said happily, “I have to tell Joe and Iris.”

“I’ll drive,” Henry said with a smile.

“You guys should come too,” Barry said to Caitlin and Cisco, “You should be there.”

“We will,” Caitlin said, “but you should go first. We’ll stop by the house in a little bit.”

Barry nodded and then grabbed his coat. He smiled at them one more time before leaving the lab with his dad. He couldn’t stop smiling as they drove. Neither could Henry. Barry’s hands were still shaking with excitement, and his heart felt like it was trying to leap right out of his chest. When they pulled up to the house Barry had to stop himself from jumping out of the car before it came to a stop. He opened the front door to the house to find Joe and Iris waiting for him in the living room.

“Barry, what’s wrong?” Iris asked worriedly, standing up and rushing over to him as soon as he stepped into the house.

Yep, Joe had definitely sensed something strange in Barry’s voice over the phone, and he and Iris had clearly been assuming the worst.

“Nothing,” Barry said quickly, “I’m sorry I worried you guys. Caitlin and my dad just had to run some extra tests today. It took a while.”

Joe and Iris still exchanged worried looks, no doubt because of the tears that were forming in Barry’s eyes. Barry couldn’t help but smile at them. He ran his hand over his head, something he still did even though he didn’t have hair now. He was trying to find the right words to tell them.

“So…um. My tests results came back,” he said, his smile now turning into a full-on grin, “I’m officially in remission.”

Iris and Joe looked shocked for a moment as they processed what he had said.

“You’re cured?” Joe asked in shock.

Barry nodded, a breathy laugh escaping him. Iris covered her mouth with her hand as tears filled her own eyes.

“Oh my god,” she cried, and a moment later she was wrapping her arms around Barry in what had to be the happiest hug she had ever had in her life.

Barry laughed as he hugged her tightly, both of their tears now spilling over and running down their cheeks. When they finally broke apart, Barry was quickly embraced by Joe next.

“I can’t believe it,” Joe said while they hugged, “It’s over. It’s finally over.”

It felt like they had all been waiting for this moment for far too long, and yet, now that it was here, it was hard to believe that it was really happening. The last time Barry had been this happy was when his father had gotten out of prison.

Cisco and Caitlin showed up at the house not long after that. Cisco, of course, had insisted on picking up a cake for Barry. According to him, it wasn’t a proper celebration without cake. Barry couldn’t remember being hugged so much in his life. They all just couldn’t stop hugging him over the course the rest of the evening, and it had been a while since Barry had smiled this much. He was finally cancer-free.

Although Barry thought he would finally sleep easier once he was better, he barely slept that night. He was too happy and excited. He still couldn’t calm down even hours later after hearing the news.

Although he was exhausted when he went into work the next day, Barry was the happiest he had been in a long time. The good news of his remission had spread fast, and throughout the day, everyone was stopping by the lab to congratulate him on his recovery. It took a few days for the idea to really sink in for Barry.

He was healthy. Well, not quite fully healthy yet, but his body was free of cancer. He was normal now. He could be like everybody else. He wouldn’t have to worry about test results anymore. He wouldn’t have his illness nagging at the back of his mind all of the time. He was free.

Well, almost. He was _almost_ free. That Friday, Barry still had to go in for a chemotherapy treatment. Caitlin had explained to all of them that even though they were almost completely sure that the cancer was gone, they would have to do a few more weeks of treatment just to be safe. Barry, surprisingly, had taken this news very well. In fact, he didn’t really seem to care. What were a few more weeks of treatment to him? As long as he was better, he didn’t mind enduring a few more weeks of chemo and radiation.

Even as Barry was throwing up after his chemo on Friday, he didn’t let any of it spoil his happiness because at least now he knew that it was only temporary. He finally knew that there was going to be an end to it. There was a light at the end of this very long, very dark tunnel he had been traveling through.

The three weeks seemed to fly by, and when he finished his final radiation treatment, Barry was over the moon about it. He was finally done. No more agonizing treatments. No more late nights hunched over the toilet bowl. No more nosebleeds or dizzy spells. He was free. He was completely free.

Now he could really focus on putting his life back together. He could try to resume where he had left off. Within a couple weeks Barry was working full time again. It was a lot easier for him now that he wasn’t feeling sick from his treatments anymore. Barry was finally healthy again. Thin and empty of speed force, but healthy.

…..

Joe felt his heart swell every time he looked at Barry. His color had returned. He wasn’t pale grey anymore, but now a healthy shade of tan. He had gained some weight back, and although he still looked like someone who was recovering from having been sick for a long time, Barry looked a million times better than he had when he was on his deathbed in STAR Labs.

“Can I help you?” Barry asked him with a smile.

Joe had been standing in the doorway, staring at Barry without thinking.

“Sorry,” he laughed, “I was just thinking about how much better you look without all the tubes and wires all over you. The look didn’t really suit you.”

Barry laughed.

“Yeah, I’m not sure this one does either,” he said running a hand over his head, which now was covered with short dark hair, “I think Oliver wears the buzzed look better.”

Joe chuckled.

“It looks great, Bar,” he assured him, stepping further into the room.

“Sorry to bother you,” Joe said with a grin, “I know you’re busy with all your director stuff. I just wanted to check out your new office.”

Barry now had an office all to himself on the ground level of the precinct. It was actually pretty big, and it was right next to Singh’s. Barry was still getting settled in, but he wasn’t quite sure how he felt about it yet. He already had a desk upstairs in his lab, and something told him he was going to be spending more time up there than he would be in his new private office. Not that he didn’t appreciate it. Even Joe didn’t have his own office. Barry just liked doing the science in his lab so much that he knew he wasn’t going to spend much time in here.

“If you ever want to use the space, you can,” Barry told Joe, “I don’t think I can bear to part with the lab. I’ll probably only be in here when I’m filling out my reports from the other precincts.”

“How has that been going?” Joe asked him, “Is it overwhelming? If it’s too much for you, I can always go talk to Singh for you. I’m sure he could give you more time to adjust.”

“Joe,” Barry said, smiling but shaking his head slightly, “I’m fine. I’m cured now. You don’t have to protect me. I’m happy to be getting back into all of this.”

“I know you are,” Joe said with a smile, “I just don’t want you to take on too much too soon. With this new promotion, you’re going to be even busier now than you were before.”

“It’s all good, Joe,” Barry assured him, “I’m all caught up and on top of things. I already have a schedule for this month all laid out. Tomorrow I’ll be visiting all the other city precincts to make sure everything’s on track, and later this week I’ll have to make a trip to Gotham. Apparently their CSI, Edward something, has been acting strangely, and they asked me to stop in and see what I can do.”

“Barry, Gotham isn’t even within your scope of duties. See, you’re already taking on more than you have to.”

“I’ve got this, Joe,” Barry said, “I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’m going right back to the way I was before, taking on more than I can handle and pushing my limits, but I promise you that’s not what this is. This is just me trying to get back on track. I’m trying to get my life back together. I know my limits though, and I’ve definitely learned my lesson about pushing them. You don’t have to worry anymore about me working myself into an early grave.”

“Alright,” Joe said, feeling a little more reassured, “Sorry. I’m not trying to coddle you. I just…”

“You’ve gotten so used to worrying about me all the time,” Barry finished for him with a smile, “But now you don’t have to.”

“I’m always going to worry about you, Barry,” Joe said, “Whether you’re healthy or sick, I’m always going to want to look out for you.”

“I know that,” Barry said, smiling warmly at him, “Thank you, Joe.”

…..

Joe wasn’t the only one who was still trying to look out for Barry. Iris was slowly driving Barry crazy from all the mothering she was doing. Even though he was cured now, Barry was still not completely back to full health. His electrolytes were still off balance, which was still putting strain on his heart, and his kidneys and liver were still in the process of healing. Not to mention all the weight that he still had to gain back yet. Iris was taking it all very seriously.

“At least try it, Barry,” she whined, “It’s really good for you. Just give it a shot.”

“Iris, now that my appetite’s back, I’m going to eat what I want,” Barry laughed, “I can’t drink any more of these ‘health shakes’ you keep making for me.”

“Come on,” she pouted, “I’ve done my research. Mango and spinach are both supposed to be really good for recovering cancer patients. It’s also a good source of iron and—”

“Iris,” Barry said firmly as he set the shake down on the kitchen counter, “I appreciate all the research you’ve been doing, but between all the shakes and the yoga and meditation you keep trying to get me to do all the time, I’m going to start losing my mind again, and I only just got it back.”

Iris laughed lightly, but then she quickly turned serious again.

“I’m just so relieved that you’re in remission now, Barry, and I want to make sure you stay that way. I want you to stay healthy.”

“I understand,” Barry said, nodding, “But you don’t need to do all this. Caitlin has put together an excellent diet plan for me to help me gain weight. I don’t need you to be my nutritionist or my caretaker. I need you to be my best friend.”

“Okay, Barry,” Iris said with a sad smile, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so overbearing. I’ve just grown so used to taking care of you. It’s a hard habit to break now that you’re better.”

Barry nodded understandingly.

“Joe was having the same problem. I just need you guys to know that it’s unnecessary. I don’t need all this attention. I’m going to be okay now. Caitlin said I’ve been making really good progress with my weight, and I’ve been really good about taking the ridiculous amount of meds and supplements she has me on. I promise, you and Joe have nothing to worry about now.”

“Okay, Barry,” she sighed, “I’ll try to back off a bit. About your meds though…”

With a smile she pointed at the clock. It was that time of day again. Barry rolled his eyes, but he smiled as he walked over to the kitchen cabinet where they kept his meds. Barry had several different bottles in there, each med serving a different purpose. There were diuretics, hormone replacement therapy supplements, a blend of different vitamins, corticosteroids, selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, and the list went on and on.

Barry had lost track of what each of them were for, but he just trusted that Caitlin and his dad knew what they were doing, and he took all the correct doses at the times that they told him to. Now that he was cured, he was surprised by how many meds they still had him on, but if they were going to help him recover faster, then Barry wasn’t going to complain about taking them.

Barry was still desperately trying to gain weight. On top of getting back on track at work, gaining weight was Barry’s other main goal. Twenty-five pounds. That’s how much he had to gain before Caitlin would even consider trying to give him his speed back. That, and his organs had to be back to full health. Barry was dying to run again, and he was doing everything he could to make that happen as soon as possible.

He was eating around the clock, taking in as many calories as he could each day. He didn’t have a super metabolism anymore, but he still used Cisco’s calorie powder and ate his calorie bars throughout the day. Barry had really missed eating. For his first couple weeks off of chemo and radiation therapy, all Barry wanted to do was eat all of his favorite foods, but Caitlin had also given him a strict meal plan to follow while he was recovering. He followed it happily. He didn’t really care what it was he was eating; he was just happy that he could actually enjoy food again.

Barry was also trying to strengthen his heart. He couldn’t do much in terms of cardio exercise. He couldn’t go for runs (even at normal speed), but he went for walks every day with Iris and sometimes his dad. It felt so good to move after being in bed for so long, and Barry was looking forward to when he would finally be running again.

Caitlin was still very leery about the whole idea though. Her simulations told her that they would be able to give Barry’s speed back to him without any problems. His cells were still primed for the speed force, and when they had removed his speed Cisco had found a way to store it in a small cylindrical container that he had created. He joked that he had literally bottled Barry’s energy. Bottled lightning, he called it. All they would have to do is inject it into him, and Barry’s body would take care of the rest.

Although the simulations they ran all checked out, Caitlin wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to attempt it. Barry’s body had been through a lot, and he was still recovering. She was afraid that suddenly reintroducing speed force into him like that would shock his system if they didn’t give him enough time to adjust. To her, it seemed like an unnecessary risk to take, but Barry assured her that to him, it was completely necessary.

When Barry came in one day for one of his weekly checkups, Caitlin seemed very irritated about something. He wanted to ask her what was wrong, but at the same time he wasn’t sure if he really wanted to know. He found out soon enough though when she finally turned and snapped at Cisco.

“Cisco!” she barked, “Do you really have to do that in here?”

Cisco looked up at her from what he was doing. He was sitting behind the desk in the cortex with the Flash suit laid out in front of him.

“I’m just improving a few things on the suit,” he told her, “Why? What’s the problem?”

“Do you really have to be doing that right in front of Barry right now? You don’t have to go and get his hopes up by having the Flash suit out. We don’t know anything for sure yet regarding his speed.”

“Caitlin,” Barry said, “It’s fine. I’m not made of glass. You don’t have to tiptoe around me when it comes to Flash stuff. I know there are no guarantees.”

“I just know you’ve been very hopeful about the whole thing, Barry,” she said, “but I’m still not sure about it. I still don’t know if we should even try it.”

“Of course we’re going to try it,” Barry exclaimed, “We have to, Caitlin. I need to get my speed back, and you said all the simulations look good. I should be able to get it back without any problems. The speed healing might even help me recover faster.”

Caitlin shook her head.

“It could help you, but it could also hurt you, Barry. It’s a huge adjustment for your body.”

“Like I said, you’ve already ran the simulations. There’s no reason why we shouldn’t at least try it.”

“Well, there is another reason,” she said seriously, “Your speedforce is what was fueling the cancer in the first place. If you get your speed back, what if it causes you to relapse? The cancer could come back, Barry.”

“So we’ll watch it,” Barry said simply, “I’ll let you run as many blood tests and body scans you want. And if it comes back, we’ll just treat it again.”

“Is that really a risk you’re willing to take, man?” Cisco asked.

He had been completely on Barry’s side with all of this up until hearing that it could cause the cancer to come back. That was a horror show that he was not keen on seeing again.

“We have to _try_ ,” Barry insisted, “This isn’t just about me, guys. Yes, I would love to run and have the feeling of the speedforce in my system again, but this is about more than just that. Central City has gone from having the lowest crime rates in the state to having one of the highest. We’re almost as bad as Gotham now. The city needs the Flash.”

“We almost lost you,” Caitlin said quietly, “We almost lost you, Barry. We were already given one miracle. Don’t you think we’d be pushing our luck by asking for another one?”

“This isn’t about me,” Barry said again, “Zoom is still out there. He hasn’t come back because he probably thinks he killed me, but he’ll find out I’m alive eventually. He’ll come back.”

“Don’t you think you’d be making yourself _more_ of a target by getting your speed back, Barry?” Caitlin asked.

“So I’m supposed to just let him come back and attack innocent people? I’m supposed to just leave the city defenseless?”

Caitlin and Cisco both looked down. They didn’t really have an answer to that. Neither of them said anything so Barry continued.

“And it’s not like I’m asking you to rebuild the particle accelerator and blast me with it. Now _that_ would be crazy. In this case, all we have to do is inject the speedforce back into me. It’s simple.”

Cisco and Caitlin both exchanged an unsure look.

“Barry,” Caitlin said, “This is far from simple.”

“Guys, this isn’t your decision to make,” Barry said firmly, “It’s mine, and I’m doing this.”

Both of them exchanged another look of uncertainty. They both thought it over for a moment.

“Okay, man,” Cisco finally said with a sigh, “We’re not going to change your mind on this anyways, so I guess I’ll just respect whatever you decide to do.”

They both looked at Caitlin who still seemed to be at war with herself. She looked at Barry with pleading eyes, but she knew she wasn’t going to win this one.

“Fine,” she said in a small voice, “But be prepared for a _lot_ of medical tests afterwards.”

“Thank you, guys,” Barry said with a smile. His expression quickly became worried though.

“Could you both do me another favor though?” he asked, “Can you please not tell Joe and Iris about this? About the whole relapse thing? I don’t need to have this conversation with them too. I’m not going to change my mind, so I’d rather not argue with them about it and make them worry unnecessarily.”

Caitlin sighed.

“I guess so,” she said, “I have to respect HIPAA regulations, don’t I?”

They all laughed lightly at that.

“Yes,” Barry laughed, “Yes, you do.”

…..

“I think you just put an extra scoop of calorie powder in that,” Iris said, watching Barry mix his breakfast shake. Barry nodded with a smile.

“Can’t hurt, right?”

“Yeah, well be careful. Caitlin said too much of that can make you feel sick, and I think you’ve thrown up enough to last a lifetime,” she said with a small laugh.

“Agreed,” Barry said, also laughing, “I’m just anxious to get my weight back up to where it needs to be.”

“You’re looking much better,” Iris said happily, “Not as sickly.”

Barry grinned at her.

“I’m only five pounds away from my goal weight, and then we can start looking into getting my speed back.”

“That’s great, Bar,” she said, smiling warmly at him.

“And my hands are warm again,” Barry said happily, “It’s been so long since I’ve had warm hands. Caitlin said it’s because my heart is getting better.”

Iris tried to blink back the tears in her eyes, sure that Barry was sick of seeing her cry all the time.

“I’m so happy for you, Barry,” she choked, smiling widely now.

He really did look a million times better. His cheeks looked fuller. His hair was longer, although not quite as long as it was before but getting there. Most importantly though, Barry had a glow about him that Iris hadn’t seen in a long time. He was starting to be her Barry again. He was smiling and laughing more, and there was light in his eyes again. All that seemed to be missing now was his speed.

…..

“Now, Barry don’t be disappointed if this doesn’t have the effects that you want it to,” Caitlin warned, “We’re only giving you back twenty percent of your speed force to start, and we’re going to take it in increments from there.”

Barry nodded enthusiastically. He was sitting on the edge of the medical bed, the same exact one that he had laid in for months while he was sick, but the atmosphere was far from gloomy. The room seemed to be filled with nervous anticipation and excitement. Barry was hooked up to several different monitors so Caitlin could assess how his system reacted to the speed once they injected it.

Iris sat next to Barry and held his hand while smiling at him. She knew this was a big day for Barry. He had been waiting so long for this, so she tried to share his excitement, but at the same time she felt nervous for some reason. Joe stood next to his daughter, feeling the same way she did, excited and nervous at the same time.

Henry stood a ways away in the corner of the room with his arms crossed over his chest and a worried frown on his face. He didn’t say anything though. He had said his piece on how he felt about this whole thing. He was adamantly against it. To him, it was lunacy to risk his son’s life just so he could be the Flash again. He hated that Barry felt so incomplete without his powers. Didn’t he see that he was perfect just the way he was? He was perfect just being Barry Allen. He didn’t need superpowers to be amazing, and he certainly didn’t need them to be his son.

“Here, Caitlin,” Cisco said, handing Caitlin the syringe, “Twenty percent bottled lightning.”

Barry smiled at them and shifted eagerly where he sat. He gave Iris’s hand one more squeeze before letting go of it to offer his arm to Caitlin. Caitlin gave him one last look of uncertainty. When Barry nodded firmly at her, she took a deep breath and finally injected the speed force into him.

Barry’s entire body tensed. It was kind of like being struck by lightning again but not nearly as intense this time. The feeling of electricity spread throughout his entire body instantly. The sensation of lightning coursing through his veins made his every nerve awaken and his senses seemed to increase tenfold.

“Barry?” Caitlin said worriedly, “How are you feeling?”

Barry opened his eyes. He hadn’t even registered closing them. He took a deep breath and then smiled at her.

“I forgot how good this feels,” he said happily.

Everyone seemed to let out a collective sigh of relief. Barry laughed. He felt so good. After feeling so weak for so long, to now have all of this power coursing through him again made him feel like he could do anything. It made him feel invincible.

“Dude,” Cisco said, laughing at him, “You look like a drug addict who just shot up some heroin or something.”

“Heroin is a depressant,” Barry said with a laugh, “Speedforce has the opposite effect.”

“Fine, crack then,” Cisco said with a grin.

“Are you calling me a crackhead?” Barry joked.

“No, more like a speed addict,” Cisco bantered.

Barry just laughed. He held out his hand in front of him and made it vibrate. He could tell right away that it wasn’t anywhere near his normal speed, but it was still fast, and fast was good. Barry, Cisco, Iris and Joe were all smiling, but Caitlin and Henry were not. Both doctors were watching the heart monitor apprehensively.

“His heart seems to be holding up,” Caitlin said with a small hint of relief in her voice, “All of his vitals appear to be normal. For him anyways.”

She finally let herself smile slightly. She couldn’t help it. It was so nice to see Barry so happy.

“When can I run?” Barry asked excitedly, standing up from the bed. His father stopped him, placing both hands on Barry’s chest and forcing him to sit back down.

“Not yet, Slugger,” he said seriously. He still hadn’t smiled. He still kept glancing at Barry’s heart monitor nervously, as if he was waiting for the worst.

“He’s right, Barry,” Caitlin said, “I can’t let you run until we know for sure there won’t be any adverse effects. You need to allow your body time to adjust before you strain yourself like that.”

“Last time you let me run right away. I was running on the first day after getting my powers,” Barry reasoned.

“Yeah,” Cisco said sarcastically, “You only had nine months in a coma for your body to adjust to it.”

“That was different,” Barry argued, “This time my cells were already primed for the speedforce. Last time my DNA was mutated and my body was still adjusting. You’re comparing apples and oranges.”

“Barry,” Caitlin said seriously, “You said if we did this, you were going to listen to my medical advice.”

“Okay, okay,” Barry said with his hands up, “No running then.”

“It’s only temporary, Barry,” Caitlin assured him. He nodded at her, but she could tell he was practically sulking. He looked like a five year old who was pouting after not getting his way, and Caitlin had to fight the urge to laugh at him.

Caitlin had told him to expect a _lot_ of medical tests, and she certainly kept true on her word. Henry made the whole thing take even longer. He seemed to be even more thorough than Caitlin when it came to his son’s health, and they all didn’t leave the lab until both doctors were one hundred percent certain that Barry had absorbed the dose of speedforce successfully and without any complications. Once they were sure he was in good health, Barry was finally allowed to leave the lab (via car).

It took everything he had for Barry not to take off running as soon as they were outside. It was hard, but he managed to control himself. It was a different kind of torture to go through the next couple days without running. He had all of this pent up energy in him now and no real way to expend it. Barry tried to find an outlet with his work, which was keeping him plenty busy nowadays, but at the end of the day he was still itching to run.

It wasn’t until two weeks later, when Barry had about sixty percent of his speedforce back, that Caitlin finally gave him the go ahead to run. That first time was probably the best run Barry had ever had in his life. Better even than the first time he ran after getting his powers in the first place. He had imagined this moment so many times, had even dreamed about it, but the actual thing was even better than he remembered.

Air couldn’t get out his way fast enough. The whole world seemed to slow down as he practically flew through the city. Barry laughed as he ran. He suddenly didn’t have a care in the world. He didn’t care about all the time he had lost because of his illness. He didn’t care that his shoes were starting to smolder or that his clothes were being singed in places. All he could focus on was the wind on his face, the ground beneath his feet, and the yellow lightning crackling out behind him as he _ran_.

They still forced him to take it easy. He was only allowed to run so much each day, and most of the time he had to keep it on the treadmill where they could monitor his vitals and his speed. At least he was done riding in cars now. Barry ran everywhere he went now, and he felt freer for it. It didn’t take long for people to notice the streak of yellow light racing past them down the street. Word spread, and rumors that the Flash had returned buzzed throughout the city. It wasn’t long before Barry finally was out on the streets saving people again.

The first time he put the suit back on, he nearly cried. He was glad he had managed to put some weight back on because it wouldn’t have quite fit him right otherwise. Even now, he could tell that it was a bit looser than it was before, but he didn’t care. It felt amazing to finally be back in his suit again after all this time. It felt even more amazing to be saving lives and helping people again. Being the Flash was a part of him that Barry just didn’t feel quite whole without. Now, he felt truly complete. Now it felt like everything had finally come together.

He now had all of his speed back, and although it would take him a while to get back to where he was before regarding his speed, he was happy just to be the Flash again. If everything he had to endure was to get here, then it was worth it. It all had been worth it. Sure, things weren’t completely perfect. Zoom was still out there, and Barry knew he hadn’t seen the last of him. Harry and Jay had never returned from their scouting trip to Earth 2, and Barry would mostly likely have to travel there to find out what had become of them. They all still had a long way to go in order to take down Zoom, and there were still many dark days ahead of them, but for now, Barry felt lighter than air. He didn’t have a care in the world, and he felt like he could do anything. For now, Barry felt invincible.

…..

**Thank you everyone for sticking with me for this very long, very emotional journey. This final chapter was such a relief to write after writing so much pain in the previous ones. Being me, I couldn’t help but put just a hint of darkness in the very end here. We all know from the canon storyline that Barry has some very dark days ahead of him from this point on, but I still consider this ending a happy one.**

**Important:**

**This story has been rewritten. You can find the much better version, _Vitality_ , through my profile. It’s revised to the point where it’s practically an entirely different story, particularly in the earlier chapters.**

**I also wrote a mini sequel, _Relapse_ , and an alternate ending, _Departed_ , both of which aren’t quite so happy with their endings.**

**Thanks again, everyone, for sticking with me this far. I hope you take the time to leave a final review for me after this last chapter, and I hope to hear from you all as I continue to post on my other stories! Thank you!**

**_RedQ_ **


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